Zuleika

Zuleika

:: 2008 17 January :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Dear Whatever-you-are,

why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?

is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?

well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.

now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.

i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.

but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.

i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.

sincerely,

Chris

4 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: frustrated

this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.

PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.

and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.

any bright ideas?

4 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2008 3 January :: 12.34am

it's 12:34 ... make a wish.

i feel - unfulfilled? i'm not sure that's the right word. it's just that nagging feeling like there's something missing. something i forgot to do.

and i know there are things i forgot to do. which is okay, for the most part. i can accept that, drop them, and move on.

but obviously there are more that i have not yet realized, because after dropping them and moving on, the feeling remains.

i need to make this go away. it's not unbearable, so much as obnoxious and slightly depressing.

2 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2008 2 January :: 5.07pm

i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.

then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.

i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.

p.s.

spud

:: 2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)

i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.

mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.

the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.

additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?

and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.

so, to recap:

:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.

:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.

:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.

:: libby has a kickass playlist

that's it.

2 comments | p.s.

spud	:: 2007 27 December :: 1.22am christmas 2.0 begins tomorrow. should be fun. 1 comment \| p.s.

spud	:: 2007 24 December :: 1.46pm :: Music: the 12 days of christmas interesting covers. i think youtube and jesus were god's christmas gifts to humanity. or something. taking back sunday straight no chaser woo html. 1 comment \| p.s.

spud

:: 2007 21 December :: 1.40pm

you know, i'm kind of with lindsay on this one.

this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.

and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.

however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.

not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.

5 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2007 14 December :: 6.39pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: pink floyd - animals

i really like this album a lot. i always have. and somehow it always helps me.

but it doesn't change the fact that i'm sitting in my apartment, now half-empty, waiting for nothing to happen; just as i have been for the past couple of days.

i got a C on my last abelard and heloise paper. my botany professor was not in her office, so i still don't know how i did on my mistletoe paper. i'm not very optimistic though. but i suppose i did alright on the exam, and that should help make up for it.

there's a bunch of cleaning to be done here, but i really don't want to do it.

i can't decide if i want to get out of here and escape from it all for awhile, or if i want to laze around and wallow in it. i don't have any good food here though. i really want some good food, some good company, and just something to make things different than they have been for the past week or so.

yep. and starving kids in africa want food. but just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.

8 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2007 13 December :: 1.23pm

exams are over. the semester is over. nearly twenty-one years of my life are over. nearly 2008 years have passed since the institution of that which is currently referred to as the common era.

and mostly i'm just tired. i'm sexy, sitting here with my shirtless, pajama-pantsed self, waiting for the next thing to happen. mostly, i'm just trying to figure out what that next thing is, and what i need to do to prepare for it.

edit:

and you know what the worst part is? i'm more than halfway done with college (62.5%, to be exact), and yet i feel as though i'm almost farther from my destination now than i was when i started. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

and i know that in the end it'll be over faster than i ever could have realized, and i'll wish it wasn't gone. but right now it just seems so oppressive and eternal, and - horribly - completely useless. i can't help but have this notion that i'm going to graduate and get some job that i could have gotten with a high school diploma, that has nothing at all to do with my major, and be utterly content for all of existence.

i suppose it's not a bad ending. but there's a very expensive extra half-decade thrown in there somewhere.

3 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2007 11 December :: 12.04am
:: Mood: flusterated
:: Music: our refrigerator

my terrible memory

i feel like someone wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but i don't remember who. there's also the german club christmas party happening at the same time.

and i have my two "hard" exams.

sometimes i suck at life, just a little. it's not like hardcore suckage, it's more along the lines of moderate.

6 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2007 10 December :: 1.05am

i just turned in the shittiest paper in the world. via email. half an hour late.

...

yep. pretty sure i just nabbed myself a C in botany.

on the plus side, i should do semi-okay everywhere else.

that and i don't have to write any more fucking papers for at least a month.

no really, the shittiest. in the world. paper.

Edit:
1 - i'm enjoying the sudden popularity that my journal has been experiencing. i think it has something to do with a general increasing trend in the overall woohu traffic.
2 - emo philips is currently on my journal header. i like it.

2 comments | p.s.

spud	:: 2007 8 December :: 3.05pm There's a penny on the ground, and it's sporting a frown while it's raining outside. There's another one around, facing neither up nor down, because it is worth two points. if you were playing horseshoes. 8 comments \| p.s.

spud	:: 2007 5 December :: 1.56am so... ... it's 2am, and there's this guy standing outside of my apartment building, winging a nunchuk around in the snow. i just thought it was odd. kids are fucking crazy sometimes. 6 comments \| p.s.

spud	:: 2007 2 December :: 10.17pm this is what happens when you fall behind on homestarrunner and don't want to write papers... Homestar Cartoon 4 comments \| p.s.