i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.
then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.
i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.
::
2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)
i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.
mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.
the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.
additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?
and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.
so, to recap:
:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.
:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.
:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.
this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.
and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.
however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.
not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.
i really like this album a lot. i always have. and somehow it always helps me.
but it doesn't change the fact that i'm sitting in my apartment, now half-empty, waiting for nothing to happen; just as i have been for the past couple of days.
i got a C on my last abelard and heloise paper. my botany professor was not in her office, so i still don't know how i did on my mistletoe paper. i'm not very optimistic though. but i suppose i did alright on the exam, and that should help make up for it.
there's a bunch of cleaning to be done here, but i really don't want to do it.
i can't decide if i want to get out of here and escape from it all for awhile, or if i want to laze around and wallow in it. i don't have any good food here though. i really want some good food, some good company, and just something to make things different than they have been for the past week or so.
yep. and starving kids in africa want food. but just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.
exams are over. the semester is over. nearly twenty-one years of my life are over. nearly 2008 years have passed since the institution of that which is currently referred to as the common era.
and mostly i'm just tired. i'm sexy, sitting here with my shirtless, pajama-pantsed self, waiting for the next thing to happen. mostly, i'm just trying to figure out what that next thing is, and what i need to do to prepare for it.
edit:
and you know what the worst part is? i'm more than halfway done with college (62.5%, to be exact), and yet i feel as though i'm almost farther from my destination now than i was when i started. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels.
and i know that in the end it'll be over faster than i ever could have realized, and i'll wish it wasn't gone. but right now it just seems so oppressive and eternal, and - horribly - completely useless. i can't help but have this notion that i'm going to graduate and get some job that i could have gotten with a high school diploma, that has nothing at all to do with my major, and be utterly content for all of existence.
i suppose it's not a bad ending. but there's a very expensive extra half-decade thrown in there somewhere.
i feel like someone wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but i don't remember who. there's also the german club christmas party happening at the same time.
and i have my two "hard" exams.
sometimes i suck at life, just a little. it's not like hardcore suckage, it's more along the lines of moderate.
Edit:
1 - i'm enjoying the sudden popularity that my journal has been experiencing. i think it has something to do with a general increasing trend in the overall woohu traffic.
2 - emo philips is currently on my journal header. i like it.
There's a penny on the ground, and it's sporting a frown while it's raining outside.
There's another one around, facing neither up nor down, because it is worth two points.
::
2007 30 November :: 1.14am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: porn
fucking dumbass...
... so i had this dream last night that i was riding in the car with kevin. obviously it was kevin's car, since i don't have one. but then again, it's a dream, so nothing's obvious, since it could have been any car, because it was a dream. but it was kevin's. anyway.
so we're cruising along, and he's going like 65, which would be fine, but there's this curve coming up. i'm not paying attention, because i'm trying to improve my skills as a passenger and not be such a backseat driver like i always am. so he tries taking this corner waay too fast, and the car starts sliding, and we go off the road, and there's this big patch of grass that we cruise through all sideways-like until we get into the trees, and then fall into this big gorge. and as we're flying through the air toward impending doom (in slow motion, of course) all he can do is blame it on the car. and i'm just like "dude, what the fuck is your problem? it's not the car's fault. you were going way too fast for that curve and are just freaking dumb." so then we hit the ground, but are still bustling along in our weird spinny-hovery-ness, and we encounter some trees which take out the windows for us. and i'm like "dude, we've gotta bail before we hit the bottom" but he's all braced for impact and shit, resigning himself to whatever fate lies at the bottom of the gorge, cursing the shortcomings of his automobile all the way. i see my opportunity in a relatively soft-looking patch of earth, bail out the shattered window, and watch the car go tumbling down.
i woke up before he hit the bottom.
i don't think it really means anything, but i figured i'd write it down. because that's the kind of thing that i do.
i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
