Zuleika

Zuleika

:: 2006 4 August :: 11.30am

i was going to take a picture of my scruff before i shaved, but alas, i can't find my camera.

and i need to shave. so, it's going. bye bye. it only took two weeks, so i figure if i dedicated a solid month, it could be a full-fledged beard. however, i hopefully will never have to go a month without seeing shannon, and i will shave for her, so... there you have it.

libby just made me a mad lib. it was delicious.

5 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 3 August :: 1.37am
:: Mood: tired

worknstuf

so, i worked ten hours tonight. which means several things:

- OVERTIME!!!
- didn't get to talk to shannon.
- got out at 1am (which is just depressing).

but OVERTIME!

i'm trying to milk it for all it's worth, since it's the only positive aspect of the situation, and i really need the money.

3 comments | p.s.

spud	:: 2006 2 August :: 2.49am :: Mood: kinda ticked. fucking come home already!!! gosh. they're stupid, i'm telling you. 3 comments \| p.s.

spud

:: 2006 1 August :: 11.59am
:: Music: Incubus - A Crow Left of the Murder

sausage patties (not links)

this weekend was a lot of fun.

next weekend will be a lot of fun. i'm changing my oil saturday. it's been like 7,000 miles, so i figure it's time.

tomorrow i'm doing lunch with my cousin, before she goes to ireland. should be cool.

today i'm doing laundry, going to work, and lifting weights. because i'm cool like that.

i made a list. because i always make lists. it really helps to get all that shit out of your head, and onto something that is less likely to forget. and i can pull it out and add more later.

2 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 29 July :: 2.32am

well. another late night.

which would be fine, except i have to get up in the morning.

that could put a damper on things.

and i decided it's worth being a little late to the party, in order to go home and change my clothes and shower and stuff beforehand.

i'm so unprepared for life most days.

one week down. it don't take no guff.

7 comments | p.s.

spud	:: 2006 26 July :: 11.50am note to self: REMEMBER! (you will, won't you?) 2 comments \| p.s.

spud

:: 2006 26 July :: 11.28am

:: unentitled ::

oh man. less than a month now until i'm done with work. that's unbelievable. it went so damn fast. which is good and bad, i guess. i'm not getting as rich as i thought i would be getting.

hopefully the home improvement place in allendale needs a forklift operator. i'm fully licensed. i now have 3 months of intensive experience. that should be enough, i think.

in other news, shannon's this weekend was a rockin' good time. the movies were funny and felt good. the beach was warm, and freezing-ass cold. the blueberry pancakes were absolutely spectacular. and the talking was super-duper great.

i guess kevin and dylan might be coming over tonight. or maybe i misunderstood. that happens all too often. it would be fun if they did.

two weeks is a long time to go without any attention. i kind of backed myself into a corner on that one though. and i know it's just for me to prove to myself that i can do it. nothing more than that. i mean, why would anybody else give a shit? exactly.

i'm looking very much forward to the mackinac trip. i'm also looking forward to havoc at hastings, the following weekend (labor dabor). and there is also move-in to look forward to, which is something like 3 weeks away. two weeks. something. i don't even know. it's getting here much sooner than i anticipated, i know that much. but i'm pumped and jazzed and all that, just the same.

credit card bill (camping trip) - $100
bells - $100
havoc pre-registration - $20
internet @ apt. - $90
rent - $350

total - $660 (otherwise known as two weeks' pay)

gone.

p.s.

spud

:: 2006 17 July :: 12.43am
:: Mood: much better
:: Music: genesis (yes, still)

alrighty. i'm doing a lot better. and to evidence the change of spirit, i now entail the assistance of a webcomic, directed particularly at one shannon rench, who i assume will be internet stalking me tomorrow sometime before i talk to her.

i could be wrong though.

because they want to know what the hell is wrong with you.

4 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 16 July :: 12.42am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: genesis

big book

i started feeling better today while i was at work. i just made the realization that i needed to let go of the physical. there's just so much more than that. i lied when i said i wanted to cum more than anything. i really didn't care. i just knew she wanted me to. and i love her. to death. and whatever she wants. i mean, the physical cannot be ignored, but there's so much beyond that. i was getting too caught up in it.

i also had the opportunity of a nice talk over dinner tonight with dad, since kevin fucking ditched on me.

it's interesting hearing your own father say "i needed half a pint of vodka in me, just to bring myself to get up and go to work in the morning. and i didn't think that was a problem." and then to know that you can tell that very same man that you drink, and have him look right back in your eyes, smile, and tell you to do some research: look within yourself, within a book, within the world around you. no condemnation. no know-it-all bullshit. just honest help, with honest answers. that is truly love beyond anything i've ever been capable of providing.

i want that capacity. and i intend to make full use of it.

for now.

it's time for me to read this book. i can sleep in tomorrow.

5 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy

meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.

i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.

i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.

i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.

dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.

so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.

5 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving

i want to make music.

i want to write stories.

i want to be muscular.

i want to be athletic.

i want to be sweet.

i want to make girls swoon.

i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.

i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.

"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.

everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.

so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.

3 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired

scholarships.

for miss katie booms:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887

for me to remember:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3

-------------------

working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.

it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.

in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.

3 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2006 30 June :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: me! (on drums)

et cetera

you know?

i don't. but i'm cool with that. there's much less pressure that way; less responsibility. i like not knowing. adds a sense of adventure.

i'm still alive, just in case anyone was getting worried. hung out with kevin. hung out with shannon. i've been working a lot, lifting weights a little, and stuff like that. i've been working with the digital recorder a little bit too. that thing is fun. i only wish i knew better how to work it. there is so much untapped potential there. but it works well enough for my purposes, for the moment.

i haven't been writing anything lately. i've been trying to keep up with my reading, but even that has been slow lately. the only cognitive thing i've done lately is i proofread a guy's doctoral thesis earlier tonight. for some reason it makes me feel alright knowing that even professors at U of M write bad papers sometimes. not that it was bad, but i mean, there were some mistakes, which i caught. i'm sure i also missed a lot. and i didn't do most of it. bruce did. he just asked me to finish what he hadn't done. he's a better writer anyway, so i'm glad he did it. not to mention, the whole thing was like forty pages.

two more days. then i get a breather again. sunday i'm dj-ing for grandpa and grandma best's fiftieth wedding anniversary. and tuesday i'm going over to kevin's. aside from that, i work. i'm working saturday, monday, wednesday, etc. this (and next) week. it's crazy talk. but i like the overtime. too bad i don't get holiday pay. those fuckers.

shit. it's time for bed. i keep forgetting things. it's bothering me. bed. right.

2 comments | p.s.

JustADreamer

:: 2006 29 June :: 11.28pm

My last year of high school is fast approaching, and I'm torn between what to do.

I'm home from Dallas. In Dallas, I was energetic, happy-go-lucky, and overall joyful. As soon as I got back to this town, my energy went downhill and I felt more self-conscious. In Dallas, you don't have to worry about anyone knowing you, really. Here, everybody knows everyone and what they do.

Part of me, the not-nice part of me, says, "Screw it. It's my last year. Why should I care at all what anyone else thinks? I'll just do what I want." But the rational side says, "No, you can't do that. You've got to be nice and all of that nice stuff."

It'll probably be the latter. I'm nice by nature, apparently, but I like being outgoing sometimes. Smiling at strangers, waving out of car windows, dancing and singing along with Skye and my other friends.. All great and fun things. But I'm not that outgoing. I can't do all this alone. I'm not equipped with the quality of making friends easily and keeping them. I'm not popular. I cannot keep a conversation about makeup and another girl's boyfriend (or lack thereof) for hours on end. I refuse to go shopping for shoes and clothes in a large group.

So that eliminates most people I know my age. But hey, one more year. Then I'll be around more people, and maybe that'll make it easier to reach out and talk to some random person I don't even know.

This is all assuming I can make up my mind about where to go. Oy...

For some reason, here, in this town, it is so incredibly difficult to be.. obviously happy and outgoing. It's oppressive, in a way, but at the same time.. I don't know.

Yes. Just a little ramble on the difference in country and city.

2 comments | p.s.

JustADreamer

:: 2006 24 June :: 1.43am

Wow, Canada.
You're producing some great bands. Stars, Arcade Fire..

Also, lately, I've gotten into The Bangles, Frank Sinatra (more-so than before), Mario Lanza (more-so than before), other 50's singers.

I'm also investigating some other bands that seem to be of the types of music I like: The Pixies, Pavement, Ben Folds (I know they have great music), Death Cab, Interpol, Postal Service.

Anyone got anymore suggestions of music to check out, please, feel free to suggest away.

p.s.