spud
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2005 11 October :: 10.24pm
:: Mood: holy shit!
i just landed a gig!
wow. cool. i just. man.
in less than an hour i've managed to hear about and accept an offer for my first paying gig.
at a place called Franco's. this saturday night. from 9pm-1am.
everybody come see me!
it's on 36th st. between burlingame and clyde park.
practice is thursday. which means i'm going to need to freak out or something!!!! oh wait, i already am!
AWEXOME CROSS!!!
yeah. i'm giddy like a two-years-old girl. shut it up, you.
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spud
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2005 10 October :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: self-propelled oscillating fan device thingy
sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm totally fucking up this car thing. doing it all wrong. i should buy a cheap american car as a beater. sell the red rocket. and then wait until dad has a pole barn where i can build my cheap race car.
i would so totally like to buy evil betty. and a beater. that would be teh sweetness. but i'm not in a position to do either. and i can't help but think i fucked myself. it looked like a winner at the time. i thought i had it all figured out. it seemed to be everything i wanted. i guess now i'll just have to make it what i want.
this is the first time i've ever upgraded a car without HAVING to repair it. i'm just upgrading because i feel like it.
to me that's a dangerously easy way to spend a couple hundred bucks.
this does not look good for homestarrunner.
i wonder if i could get a job at a shop. that seems to be the way to do this cheaply.
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spud
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2005 9 October :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: liebevoll...
:: Music: heart - dog and butterfly
and just like that. life is good.
i was really afraid that i'd never be able to listen to heart again without crying.
and honestly, i'm still very close to tears. but that's okay.
i'm just tired of being a screw-up. and asking everyone else to just tolerate me. and they do it. maybe out of pity? nay (yeah, i said "nay". deal with it), out of love; unjustified, though that love may be.
and rachel's cool. she seemed really happy for me. i just hope she can find someone. or at least find peace with being single.
i'm still dirty though. i'll take a shower in the morning. at least 2 of my worlds are meshing. it's a start.
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spud
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2005 9 October :: 6.51pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: nuffink
growing up (post-divorce), i felt like i lived three different lives. one at school. one at home. and one at dad's.
i'm pretty sure i've graduated to like 7 different lives by now. and they're all constantly clashing with each other. they're not tidily separated like they were in the past.
i would really like to get back down to, oh say... one. that would be fantastic.
*
i got together with jackie. we talked. it was wonderful. but now i'm left with this tremendous guilt. like i don't deserve jackie's forgiveness, and i'm a horrible person for using rachel like i did. and just. messy.
and my homework is not doing itself, either. not that that is unusual.
and i forgot to get fucking groceries. so i'm going to have to remember when i'm out and about tomorrow. SHIT. i just remembered, i also forgot grandma's care package of cookies. which she gave me because i ditched on brunch to be with jackie. which was important. and then i ditched on dinner at kathy's... 'cause. i don't know. i just needed to get away for awhile.
the car has been postponed to next weekend. i get the parts tomorrow. i'm doing the valve cover, valve cover gasket, lifters, timing belt... and maybe the shift lever, if i get the chance to run to that place in cornstalk park. i need a boot and lever. and a dome light. and rear seatbelts.
i guess i could always remove the rear seat entirely, and that would solve the WHOLE problem. yeah. when i get a winter beater.
i'm just so emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. and i know that it still pales in comparison to what jackie's going through. i'm just too numb to go through it twice. and i never wanted to do that to her. and that's exactly what i fucking did.
i'm supposed to give a persuasive speech tomorrow.
oh dear.
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spud
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2005 7 October :: 10.34am
:: Mood: ass.
:: Music: the mars volta - "i'm totally freaking out, man!"
wow. i'm really disoriented. and this music isn't helping. oh well. it's still fucking cool.
i guess i'm going to work on the car tonight. hunter invited me to the haunt, but i'm not sure if i'm going to go or not.
it reminds me of a few years ago. the time i went to dee's house for halloween. and i was single, and miserable. considering i've spent the last 3 years un-single, and intermittently miserable, i don't know how to feel now.
i hate being this big of a jerk. but i know it's the only way.
this is what i get for taking romance advice from dorkus.
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spud
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2005 6 October :: 10.23am
okay. well. everything is packed. and i did laundry last night. there's still one little spot, but the majority is gone. it smells good, and it's folded nice and pretty. that's more than i can usually manage.
i'm just really weirded out about the whole thing. but last night was a good talk. didn't really accomplish anything, but it made me feel better.
i just remember sometime back in march asking myself "why?"
and getting the response "why not?"
i couldn't find a good reason not to, so i did. and now we both have several reasons not to, and we're hard pressed to convince ourselves "why".
from that perspective, it seems pretty obvious. it's still really sad though.
Ich habe nicht gut glück mit die Fräu...
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spud
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2005 5 October :: 5.02pm
:: Music: uno melodic (funk compilation old skool)
dear diary, (mood: apathetic...)
i must be eeemo...
well. i about crapped my pants. i put the stopper back in the throttle linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner. i could NOT possiby start from a dead stop without squawking them in first. until the stop screw fell out.
i have to devise a way to change the setting. i like how it is now for road driving. it's doggier than sin, but it's smooth, with good low-end torque. then when i'm "racing" i can shove some sort of stopper in, then just take it out when i'm done. but first i'll need to be fixing my hood latch. it sucks having to open it with a screwdriver.
"the mating call of the teenage girl"... i need to buy me some techno to blare on my system. and some mid-ranges for the back. i'm thinking some 6-8" woofers or something. i think that would cover what i'm missing. maybe closer to 5" i don't know. we'll see. i'll just try a bunch of different stuff. whatever dad has lying around the trailer.
i don't really want to drive the gti this winter. but i don't want to get a beater either. and i don't have anywhere to store it. fuck. i don't want to HAVE to get a job on top of school.
plus next semester, i'm bumping up to 16 credits and possibly an internship for even more credits. yes. i'm pretty insane, that's for certain.
i think jackie and i are over. but i'm not really sure. she's not saying anything. i guess i'll operate on the assumption that she hates my guts. and then if she doesn't, i'll provide her with ample reason to. which would prove difficult, because i hate being mean. but then again, maybe if i just keep being myself that will be reason enough.
i'm sore from lifting yesterday. and i did a mile on the treadmill. a WHOLE mile! aren't you proud of me? i knew you would be. i need to stay on top of the lifting business. i want to feel huge. not necessarily look huge, but feel huge. and right now i don't.
that's enough for now, i think.
funkalicious.
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spud
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2005 5 October :: 8.42am
:: Mood: i'm awake, honest...
okay. so maybe it wasn't such a great idea. but that's okay.
i had fun, right?
shut up, brain.
i wanna take a nap. german quiz in T-15.
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Yes - Close to the edge
several seditious scribes from syria...
well, i went to the commmunications discussion board tonight. they had people there from wood tv 8, fox 17, and the grand rapids press.
i was disappointed that they didn't have any radio people there.
and it's just more of the same thing. me having questions - unanswerable ones. at least, none that they can answer for me. i have to find out for myself. and nobody seems to know how. aside from getting knee deep into it, only to realize i'm in the wrong place, then look somewhere else. i'm personally getting a little tired of the runaround. but how else am i supposed to find it?
i mean, i have a strange and unique combination of skills and interests. that must mean that i have a unique role out there somewhere. i'd like to think that god didn't just put me here for shits and giggles, with no real purpose. and i'd like to think i can feel good for serving that purpose. but if i don't know what the purpose is, how can i tell if i'm serving it properly, and adequately?
i'm just tired of running in circles, not knowing where to go or what to do.
...
i readjusted the throttle setup according to the bentley. it's definitely smoother, and i have more low-end torque. but it doesn't wind out nearly as quickly. and i was going to try putting the stop-screw into the linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner, but the hood latch release is on the fritz. so now i can't even get into the engine compartment. i'll have to figure out a way to get at it with like a coat-hanger or something, to get it open, so i can fix it. but i didn't feel like doing it tonight. and i don't know if i have solid lifters or hydraulic lifters or what, but i guess i need to replace them. they're noisy as fuck. which is really loud, in case you were wondering.
edit: the mess i have to work with -
that's all for now kids. and my "blow shit off all weekend" thing has yet again come back to bite me in the ass. at least i got to sleep in this morning. so i'll be coherent while i'm pulling the late-nighter. but it will suck tomorrow morning. i think i might go lift weights tomorrow night. that would be cool. by my lonesome...
it's too easy to fall into this cycle. it sucks you in. makes you lazy. makes ME lazy.
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 10.51am
an excerpt from the autobiography of Saint Ignatius Loyola (honors reading)
"When he thought of worldly things it gave him great pleasure, but afterward he found himself dry and sad. But when he thought of journeying to Jerusalem, and of living only on herbs, and practicing austerities, he found pleasure not only while thinking of them, but also when he had ceased."
that's what peace is. when the thoughts can stop, and the good feeling keeps right on going.
that's what i want. i'm greedy for it. but i find that i don't need religion in order to get the feeling, and keep it. i just need spirituality.
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 11.45pm
hector is the king of late apexes...
The Nürnburg Ring
top speed: 223 mph
lap time: 6:49
(close your tags...)
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 6.48pm
:: Music: incubus - here in my room
i'm sick of angry people. they make me mad...
i'll do my best to not become one of them. it's such a waste.
oh, i wrote some free verse.
:
I'm in the car - in the parking lot - watching the smoke haze drift lazily; languidly wending its way out the window.
With a futile hope that the smoke will occlude my mind's eye, and prevent me from remembering all of the wonderful moments.
I lack the capacity to avert the catastrophe. My unmitigated audacity portends impending unpleasantness. The end?
:
maybe i'm overreacting, being a drama queen. but i'm not going to bend over and take it like i always have in the past. fuck that shit. i mean it still hurts more than words can say, but i refuse to be stupid about it.
it's gonna take me a while to gather everything back into the snowman bag. and to get those grease stains out of the aéropostale hoodie, but we'll get there. in the mean time, i'm going to have some fun. and most people disagree with me on what's fun. but so what. like right now, i'm going to eat food, listen to music, and read a fucking book. because i think that will be fun. and i may just turn my phone off while i do it.
quote: (jan 12, double-oh five)
i'm sick of katie being so goddamn difficult. i love her, i really do, but i'm tired of busting my ass, and having shit fall through, then getting flack about how i'm not good enough.
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justadreamer
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2005 30 September :: 11.13pm
Just a notice:
I'm alive, and still have a home. Hurray.
Hope everyone's doing well, and I still read all the journals on my friends list nearly every day.
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spud
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2005 29 September :: 12.38am
:: Mood: Kreativ
:: Music: WGVU jazz...
because i like to show off:
Nein pferdspielen, immer!
Wer ist größer: ein Nilpferd aber Schwein?
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yeah, that's all i've got so far. pferdspielen! honestly... i crack myself up, sometimes.
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spud
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2005 28 September :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: i'm totally crushing!
:: Music: seal - don't cry (on the radio!!)
recent events
okay. so i drove the car today!!!
just around the block, but still. and i'm still leaking oil onto the manifold, and it's burning off, making one hell of a stink. karl said he thought it was the valve cover gasket... which means i need to source a G60 valve cover, and a new gasket.
that should be an "easy" project. *knocks on wood* relatively speaking.
but it drove okay. and i adjusted the shift linkages to where they were happy. i still want to get a new shift lever, because the one that's in there is all fubar and sloppy.
some more tweaking of the clutch adjustment and such, and it should be getting close to happy.
and i still have to do all the vacuum shit on the intake to get it running properly. there's some REALLY nasty clicking going on in the compartment somewhere. it sounds like super-pronounced lifter noise on a single cylinder, but it could be anything. i hope it's not something with the cam. i don't want to tear the engine apart. no thank you.
at least... not yet.
mwahaahaaa.
and i'm also the king of breakfast for dinner. half a dozen maple links and a poached egg. i fucking rock sometimes.
i'm not gaining weight yet, but this summer's muscle is definitely softening a bit. oh well. i obviously don't care enough about it to do anything yet.
if only delilah played jazz. that would be nice.
but i drove it today, that's the important thing. and i wound up doing the CV joint all by myself anyway... so add that to the repertoire.
i'm really starting to get this. and it feels absolutely marvelous.
only bad thing was, i accidentally sent a jack stand through the already disintegrating floor pan. things to NOT look good for homestarrunner...
i'm not going to be able to go through the snow with this. shit.
oh well. one thing at a time, right?
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