Zuleika

Zuleika

:: 2005 8 March :: 12.22am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child

sorry i'm always such a whiney bitch on here. i should update more often when i'm happy about stuff, as jackie kindly made me aware earlier.

i feel much better. actually, i felt better almost right away. i said what i needed to say, and reached some sort of conclusion about things. plus i went into all of my old entries, and remembered a time long before any romantic involvement with katie. and that helped a ton. i had somehow forgotten all of the drama i went through with jessie wilde and both beanses, and all that jazz. that was a rough time for me. and i pulled through okay. and even during it, i was a pretty funny bastard a lot of the time. i want to stay a funny bastard, not some morose, brooding sort of bastard. hopefully i'll stay in this place for awhile.

i get my teeth cleaned tomorrow! yay! they need it. i swear they forgot to make me an appt. or something, because i feel long overdue.

i should get to bed. i stay up too late monkeying with code and porn. it's not good. peace to my homies in the streets. and anywhere else, for that matter. and even people who aren't homies. i could've just covered it better with a simple "peace." oh well. i'll learn someday.

1 comment | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 7 March :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: DMB - Crash

Egocentric

so, she doesn't hate me. but she hasn't loved me for a long time. so, what am i? apparently, the only thing left is to be inconsequential. i know that people that i don't hate, don't love, and am not forced to be around, will not be in my life very long. so, what reason to i have to be in hers? none, that i can see. not only that, if she doesn't hate me, then how come she's purged herself of any and all possessions that are possibly linked to me (excepting, of course, LOTR and the turtle lamp)? how come i don't get to help out with things. if we were still friends, as she claims we are and claims she desires, then how come i can't fix her radio. how come i can't eat lunch on thursday? not that i necessarily want to do these things, but where does she expect it to start and stop? i have no medium; least of all, for her. it's all or none. and she chose to have nothing to do with me. which was her choice. it's not what i wanted. it's what she wanted. or at least, what she told me she wanted. and what she didn't tell me, i'm forced to guess on. from that perspective, the interaction hasn't changed one single iota. she still doesn't know what the hell she wants. and if she does know, she's not about to give me a straight answer. the only thing that's certain is that i'm wrong, and anything else that is wrong is all my fault - as far as she's concerned.

i thought i was over this. well not OVER it, but at least farther along in the convalescence. but seing her again has brought it all back. she gave me things i had forgotten she had. things i didn't really want back. things she apparently didn't want either.

the blankets smell like her room.

i'm such a wreck. or at least a nutcase. i don't know what the fuck i am. the only thing i do know for certain, is that i don't like what i am right now. i don't like crying. i don't like hurting. i don't like having to deal with this shit on top of school and college and money and family and friends. i don't like being out of her life. but i don't want back in.

i don't know whether i should be embracing this opportunity for a fresh start in forest hills or not. it might be the way to move on, to keep going. but it might be a way to simply ignore the bullshit until i can't keep it from haunting me any longer.

when dad's around i'm always impressed with this faith that god has it all under control, and i'm right where i'm supposed to be, and i'm going in a good direction. but as soon as he leaves, the faith fades, and eventually i'm back to the emptiness. it's like i'm one person living two lives. not two different people. i'm the same person. but i have two different lives to keep track of, and i can't manage even one. the life i have with dad is my personal favorite, simply because it doesn't have to be managed. the great sheep in the sky has it all taken care of. all i have to do is stay receptive and aware for the direction of the quadripedal diety. but it's this life, with mom, where i'm forced to spend the majority of my time, that isn't so hot. and it's not anybody's fault. i just forget about the sheep. i start running things; or at least trying to. i start feeling the gap in my soul. and it's not a fun place to be. and i don't know what the hell to do about it.

i should go do something. maybe i'll figure out exactly what it is i should go do, as i'm going to do it. that always works.

*exhasperated raspberry.

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 28 February :: 11.14pm
:: Music: bnl - wrap your arms around me

And now for something completely different;
my hair is hoochie (or hooshie for all you anglos out there)

Recording Technology

Music Requirements:

Basic & Advanced Studio Techniques - 14 credits
Basic & Advanced Sequencing - 6 credits
Music Theory/Aural Comprehension - 8 credits
Applied Music - 4 to 6 credits
Interpretation - 2 credits
Piano Techniques - 4 credits
Ensemble - 2 credits

Total Music Credits = 40 to 42

Non-Music Electives:

Business & Technical English/English Composition - 6 credits
Political Science - 3 credits
Wellness- 1 credits
---Group I: Humanities and Fine Arts :
SC135 Interpersonal Communications - 3 credits
SC 293 Group Problem Solving (new) - 3 credits
---Group II: Social and Behavioral Sciences :
PY201 General Psychology - 3 credits
---Group III: Natural Science and Mathematics :
PC141 Science of Sound - 4 credits
MA107 College Algebra - 4 credits
---Electricity :
EL144 Basic Electricity - 4 credits

Total Non-Music Credits = 31

that's approx. 75 credits at $66 a credit hour. hm. some of them are rather disappointing too. college algebra? puh-leeze. wellness? i'm not even gonna ask.

2 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 28 February :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: almost normal
:: Music: bnl - aluminum

well, i'm feeling good. i think it's because mom and i fought about dad and the future and stuff. it was a good reality check, something from the distant past that kinda reminded me that life is still going. some of the stuff she said was pretty harsh, though. well, i suppose i wasn't any better. we'll be cool.

i've decided that i want to listen to everything on headphones, just because it sounds so much better.

stuff to buy this summer:

- subwoofer amp from paul 250
- crossovers from the circuit shop 100
- desktop computer from matt ?
- cheap lappy from wherever? ^including both, <2,000
- A2 gti 1.8 16v, or equivalent. 1,000
- good headphones/mics for fostex recorder. 600
________
2,000 from me, 2,000 from bruce.

oh yeah, and
- college 5,000+
- food 10,000

this shit is expensive; college least of all. i'm spending two thousand dollars (equal to all of last year's income) on bullshit. oh well. hopefully it will be worth it. and hopefully i'll be making more money this summer than the last.

i really don't know about all of this future shit. it's looking up, at least as far as my family's overall financial security is concerned. maybe in two years they'll be able to fund my bachelor's. maybe in two years I'LL be able to fund my bachelor's. maybe in two years i'll have a fucking clue as to what the hell it is that i want to do with my life.

that's a lot of maybes to be staking my future on. but what else have i got?

*

gratuitous song lyrics, aptly ensconced in various nefarious adjectives (sort of):

the bravest thing i've ever done was to run away and hide. but not this time; not this time.
the weakest thing i've ever done was to stay right by your side. just like this time; and every time.

i couldn't tell you i was happy you were gone, so i lied and said that i missed you when we were apart.
i couldn't tell you, so i had to lead you on; but i didn't mean to break your heart.

and if i always seemed distracted, like my mind is somewhere else, that's because it's true, yes it's true.
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel like i have to follow through, even half-assedly loving you.

why must i always speak in terms of cowardice? but i guess i should've just come out and told you right from the start.
oh, why must i always tell you all i want is this? i guess 'cause i wouldn't want to break your heart.

you say: what'd you think that i was gonna do? curl up and die just because of you? i'm not that weak, you know.
what'd you think that i was gonna do? make you try to love me as much as i love you? how could you be so low?

you arrogant man; what do you think that i am? my heart will be fine. just stop wasting my time. i know i love you, i'll be okay, and that i've got what i want; and that's rid of you. goodbye. and it's not 'cause i'll be missing you that makes me fall apart, it's just that i didn't mean to break your heart.

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 27 February :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Lenny Kravitz - it ain't over 'til it's over.

this weekend was pretty good. i went up to traverse city with dad and libby, to see the mayers.

i had fun. spent most of the time pulling sleds around with the snowmobile. i honestly enjoyed driving. but it started to grate by today.

maybe it's wrong to say this about a 12-year-old, but Ally is turning into quite a looker. i mean, really. it's kinda like hermione in the harry potter movies, you just know she's gonna be hott. i think ally knows it too. i mean, i'm not boning for her or anything, i was just making an observation. one that was rather hard to miss.

it was strange. up until friday i'd been haunted. you know, like i'd been running - but not - but still everything was a malevolent reminder. even in my sleep i couldn't escape. i think my very first escape was not at all what i expected. it happened as i was driving north on 131. i saw us-10 to ludington, and had a vivid flashback to that first summer. i was still thinking about her, but suddenly it wasn't sad. it was happy; nostalgic. and i maintained that feeling for a long time. that nostalgic one, like i was living in the past - just for a while. and recent time reared its ugly head when sharon wanted to watch "raise your voice". the whole peabody thing came flooding back, and all of its associate bullshit. it never really left me after that. and all last night it haunted me in my dreams. it's still there now. i was hoping to watch something before i go to bed to kinda clean me out, and preoccupy my brain, but i'm just gonna hit the sack.

although, to maintain that sense of fresh adventure, i think i'm gonna sleep in the sleeping bag tonight.
my sheets need to be washed anyway.

goodnight, you guys.

and i mean that.

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 24 February :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: Nervy
:: Music: DMB - two step

well. the band concert went fairly well, at least as far as i was concerned. i know rhosy kinda fell apart, but that had nothing to do with me, obviously. i attribute that breakdown to a combination of missing people and lack of practice. it was much better this morning. oh well. hopefully they'll have it by contest. it's a really young band, though. i figure we'll get a two. but i still strive to maintain that unnatural optimism. but it's difficult.

i feel better that i got to talk to summer, so i just have to give her my number. hopefully i'll be able to get some things off of my chest this weekend with dad. and i think that grant would be wonderful. thank god for all of the marvy people i have in my life. if it wasn't for them, i'd be more toast than i am now.

katie did an admirable job of avoiding me, but i also paid her the same courtesy. sorry addison, i really do mean to keep you in the loop, but sometimes i drop the ball. it was nice to see mama colligan too. i've always been fascinated with her sincere care for me, and how well she can communicate without saying anything at all. it's not always a boon to her communication skills, as is evident in her relationship with her daughter, but it's fascinating nonetheless. and in this instance i feel it was beneficial.

all in all, there's still a lot of shit i have to work through. i'm not trying to ignore it, although i know i come off that way. but a lot of great resources have been placed at my disposal, and i'd like to utilize them as advantageously as i can. not to say that i'm "using" people, but if they offer assistance, i'd like to take them up on it. but i'd like to be wise in the triage of who to go to, and what for. which is difficult, especially for me.

i feel better than i did a week ago, much better. i can only hope and pray that that trend will continue.

and hopefully i can get some shit done in the process.

peace.

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 24 February :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: good

yeah. summer talked to me yesterday. that was interesting. i felt really bad, like i should have been more of a help, you know?

i mean, out of anybody around, i could have related the best, and i still didn't know what to say. it's just weird. there's no better way to describe it. and i can't honestly say you ever get totally used to it, but there is a sort of gradual accustomization that happens. but it's never quite gone.

i don't know. i just felt like i could have been more comfortable about it. and offered to get together and talk sometime ... i mean, if she wanted to. but i've never really been too familiar with her, so i don't know what's too forward and what's acceptable. i suppose i'm overthinking the whole thing. i'm super-paranoid nowadays, especially around girls (yes, even moreso than i used to be!). it's sad and pathetic, and i need to do something about it, but there you go. one more thing that i really don't feel like taking care of at the moment.

college update:

looks like GRCC is gonna be it. i figure on transferring out for a bachelor's degree, but it really all depends on what i intend to do.

the primary reason of picking CC is this whole recording arts business. i've scheduled a meeting with Joe McCargar of River City Studios Ltd., next week thursday. hopefully that will solidify the long-term picture a bit. i guess Tim Heldt is teaching the recording program at CC, which would be way hella cool. i haven't seen him in years and years. i can only imagine what lindsey and brennan are like now. it's been a long time. it's almost like a different lifetime. weird. of course every thing seems weird now, that i can recall from my middle childhood, anyway. something snapped during middle school, and i literally became someone else, just with a bunch of lingering idiosyncrasies. it's strange. but yeah. that's all i've got for now. band concert tonight. i hope i do well, more than usual, just because i enjoy my part on Wabash. i find it challenging, but fun. however, i haven't been doing too well in rehearsals lately, so hopefully i'll nail it tonight.

talk at y'as all later!

1 comment | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 20 February :: 1.32am

who do you think?
you know, i really did mean everything i said to lindsey. i meant it more than a lot of other things i've said in my life. and that's saying something, because i've never been a light and flippant sort of person.

i was talking with mom last night about that. how and why i've always paid such careful attention to the precision with which i craft the things i say.

anyway. despite that.

why is it that i still look every single time i drive by, just to see if she's there?

force of habit? maybe. faint glimmers of hope? i hope not.

i suppose the real question is - why have i done it every single time i've driven by since the very first day she worked there?

answer that, and you'll have answered them both - i think.

____________

in other news, Sarah Cohen is extremely hot!

sadly, there's nothing i can do in response to that extreme hotness, due to my relation to her as a Fraternal-Androgynous-Hermaphordite-Soulmate-Type.

Alas, i've again been thwarted while in the throes of hopelessly romantic desperation.

Ladies:
- If you are rich and i have boned you, would you please meet me by the nacho cart. Also, if you are rich, and would like to be boned, would you please meet me by the nacho cart. Thank you.

4 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 19 February :: 1.31am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Pink Floyd - shine on you crazy diamond (pts. 1-5)

ahhh....
it's one thirty on saturday morning. i'm jamming out to pink floyd and doing my taxes.

today was great. dad and kevin and bob were all wonderful. it was just terrific. one of the best days i've had in a long time. thank you, kev. we'll have to do it again sometime.

tomorrow i'm going downtown with mom and libby, now that i know where the library is. they're gonna go to grossology at the museum.

today was really excellent.

i believe i owe sarah cohen and dustin nastaj each a cigar. berry or mango?

2 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 18 February :: 2.03am
:: Music: Supertramp - breakfast in america

no, i don't expect you guys to be reading all these. but kudos if you are, i guess.
part of me really wants to talk about the fact that i could have left her when she was cheating on me with gabe. and ryan. but no, i caved. i felt forgiveness, compassion, love. and i stand by that decision, even still. however, i feel slightly betrayed by the blind faith that decision required.

part of me wants to say how rediculous this is, that she leaves me because i'm not giving her enough attention, and she's probably more attracted to ryan gravelle now. not that she's ever had the hots for me. but i'm cute, and i milk it, so there.

part of me wants to say the whole thing was fucking retarded from the beginning, and that i was too blinded by infatuation to see it.

but i know that's not true. at least, not some of it.

i want to hurt her back. i want it to be fair. i want to fill this gap inside me. i want to just be friends. i want to have my love reciprocated. i want to crawl in a hole and not feel this anymore.

needless to say, bad shit happens when i get what i want. and - if you believe this sort of thing - whatever god wants will happen whether i like it or not, so there.

i really have to lighten up. let shit go.

thanks a lot! i was supposed to film bob tomorrow, not spill my guts which you were so willing to rend and maim, only to have them shabbily patched back up until the time comes for them to be spat out again.

i know when i read this later i'll be pissed at myself for sounding like such a fucking martyr. i have food. i'm tepid. i'm dry. i'm going to bed. i get to sleep in tomorrow. i'll take a shower when i get up. i have my mom's sympathy (a rare and precious commodity). plus, now i have this really cool nickname; torso boy! so what am i complaining about?

i needed to get that out. and then laugh at it. now i can go to sleep.

thank you god, for letting me have laughter. it keeps me sane. or INsane, depending on your perspective. either way, i like it.

goodnight.

spud

:: 2005 18 February :: 1.26am
:: Mood: strange
:: Music: DMB - busted stuff

i just finished Dead Poets Society.

that was really good. kinda morbid ending. leaves you feeling kinda ick. i felt rather punk to begin with. of course i've been keeping you all painfully aware of that. so i'll spare you any additional exhortations.

And now for something completely different ...

so far i have 3.16 GB of music on my hard drive. i'm less than halfway through. i guess that's what i get for copying at 160 Kbps.

... and the hours keep on rolling by. the days drag on forever, turning to a boundless bundle of placid recollection, only to remember that you would have done something different if you could go back. the morrow's morn bodes just as bleak as those of the past, yet hope lurks just beyond the field of perception. somewhere on that elusive horizon a glimmer is creeping that we must keep striving for. maybe we'll never reach it, but i must try and get closer, closer, close as i can with all of the resources at my disposal.

the joy of life is in the journey - for life is for the living, and death for the dead. but life will multiply, and death will continue to thwart us in its inevitability. it may be a cycle; to be repeated for eternity. it might actually take the form of a limitless cosine, dictating the fluctuations of a millennia of subsequent epochs. or it may be in fact a simple line, whose source cannot be undone, and whose direction with which we are charged. lateral motions evade gratification, as well as consequence. vertical motions hold all of the weight of the decision in the guidance of the projectile life, which spawns off other lives which are out of its jurisdiction, yet within its realm of influence. and eventually that line will fizzle and dissolve into an ethereal mist whose remnants are soon forgotten. the true legacy of that life-line lives on in the adjacent lives which the originator has touched and altered, positively OR negatively.

i want my alterations to be positive. for my sake, as well as the sake of those around me. for all of the ones i love. and i do love them, more than i would ever publicly disclose (at least, beyond this disclosure, whose medium doesn't do the message its full justice).
even more difficult is positively impacting the lines of those whom i may not love, or whose lines run contrary to my own. however, those must be nurtured the most carefully of all, and are simultaneously the most difficult to nurture.

for what it's worth: my efforts (although plebian, ineffective, and reeking of condescention) are sincere, and benevolent. the remonstrance which i feel toward these fruitless efforts is too great to define, or if they are fruitful, the fruit which they bear is too miniscule and sour to appreciate and properly ascertain. therefore, why continue the efforts?

because they are the utmost maximum of my capacity, and the only way to further augment that capacity is to push it, to rehearse the most fruitless of efforts, until their supply becomes abundant, or at least more desirable and pleasing to the eye.

i leave you with two idle ponderings:

- how do i go about making my life extraordinary?
- what provides that quality, that supercession of the mediocre?

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 17 February :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: more weird al.

10/21/2002 - 2/16/2005
i'm not fit to talk about it yet. at least, not on here. but mom and dad have both been extremely supportive.

this could turn out to be an extremely beneficial experience. it just doesn't feel like it yet. we'll get there.

but i'm really not sure about this whole "friends" thing. i just don't see it working. i don't think it can work. therefore, i'm not going to work too hard at it.

1 comment | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 17 February :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: scrumtrelescent
:: Music: Weird Al

wow.

that was weird. i don't know. lately life has just felt off. like i'm numb. like it's not really happening to me, i'm just watching someone else go through it. it leaves me with a horrible empty feeling. in fact, horrible empty feeling about sums it up in all facets of my life.

i just can't figure out what i've done so horribly wrong to do all this harm. i tried my best, didn't i? i know i did. i always do.

i guess at the end of the day, just like any other, my best wasn't good enough. and i'd like to apologize to all of you for that. i really wish it were better. just for you guys, that's all i want. i want to make it better for everyone else. i know if i do that, then i'll naturally feel better too. i don't mean pretending to be okay when i'm not, i just mean being okay when i know there's no good reason not to. all too often i'll dwell on the negative crap, and let it drag me down, when i should be using the good stuff to hold me up. nobody likes being around a miserable person, except of course for all of the other miserable people. and i'd rather not be one of them.

i just hope i did the right thing today. i guess i didn't really have a choice. it was her decision. i had already made mine. and in the end of it all, mine doesn't mean dick to the outcome, so hey. even if it wasn't the right thing, it was the best i could do, so what the fuck am i worrying about?

i'm suddenly very tired. and still cold and empty. i really think it's this house. or at least the people in it.

i really don't want to be one of them. les miserables. but they love company. and i love having food and a bed. i guess i have to figure out where my priorities are; in my stomach or in my soul.

i just feel bad.

i suppose one always does, when one ruins the life of another.

2 comments | p.s.

spud

:: 2005 16 February :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: a little better
:: Music: incubus - you will be a hot dancer

see? a couple four pints of milk, two pieces of pizza, and i'm better. not cured, but better.

maybe i'll go take a shower. or maybe i'll keep plugging away at calculus.

just pray to god i actually get something done tonight.

p.s.

spud

:: 2005 16 February :: 7.46pm
:: Music: Benton Falls - sad like winter leaves

i feel cold.

colder than i've felt in a long time. both physically and emotionally. maybe it's this basement, this computer, this room, this music. maybe it's her.

it hurts me so badly. it's just sickening, with my stomach doing flips in my throat, for no apparent reason at all. except for her. and i guess she's reason enough. but maybe not. apparently not. if i'm dogshit to her, then why am i so torn up over this? she should be dogshit too. but she isn't. she won't be - she can't. even still, i can't stop the motion picture show in my head. playing potential scenarios and ... i shudder too much at the thoughts i can't quell to bring myself to describe them. but i can't shut them off. i can't change the channel. i can't make the plot take a drastic upturn. it's stuck in a tim burton downward spiral that cannot be undone. and the voices. they narrate the movie. so, what my mind's eye doesn't use to haunt me, my mind's ear will. and does. incessantly.

sometimes the show is entertaining, imaginitive, comedic, happy.

but not now. never at these times.

and a part of me doesn't want it to end. a part of me gets trapped in the familiarity of it all, and doesn't want to venture out into that unknown, however green it may appear. i feel like Dr. Manette. i'm pacing and making shoes inside my brain, while some malicious specter assails me with a barrage of endless multimedia nightmares.

... and it always seems like when i'm trying to do calculus.

but here... maybe i'm beginning to feel better. that's the first time that's ever happened. assess the situation, and see it for what it is, not for what the motion picture show wants me to see it as. that's what i have to do.

the feelings are lies. real, but lies. c'mon spud, you can pull out of this nosedive.

i hope.

4 comments | p.s.