I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.
my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.
like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.
I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.
I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.
I wanna be big like my plans/ So why am I so tiny, and why am I so mad?
I've worn the same skinny jeans
Since I was 15, it's probably nothing
(Inertia) my friends say they're quitting this week
To chase down their dreams, they're probably bluffing, but
Don't you like it bigger, better?
But you do what you can (do what you can)
Don't you like it a little better
When you don't understand? (Don't understand)
I was gonna save the planet, but today I got plans
I guess this is just what I am
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am
you said you'd break up with her
But she met your family, and dating's the worst, yeah
(Inertia) now, you're not in love anymore
But you'll stick it out for, like, 20 years more, saying
don't you like it bigger, better?
But you do what you can (do what you can)
Don't you like it a little better
When you don't understand? (Don't understand)
I was gonna save the planet, but today I got plans
I guess this is just what I am
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am
I wanna move out of this town
But everyone knows me and packing is tiring
(Inertia) I said I would start working out
But I'm f- hungry, and screw you, I'm trying
I wanna be big like my plans
So why am I so tiny, and why am I so mad?
It's inertia, guess this is just what I am
I'm stuck in this life, and I'm stuck in these pants
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (look at me dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
don't you like it bigger, better?
But (oh-ah) you do what you can
Where I am going is right where I am (right where I am)
(Oh-ah) don't you like it bigger, better?
But (oh-ah) you do what you can
Where I am going is right where I am
Oh, inertia
been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.
it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.
I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.
Time moves so damn slow I swear I feel my organs failing
Two months since you got back
How have you been and are you bored yet?
The weather ain't been bad
If you're into masochistic bullshit
And every photograph
That's taken here is from the summer
Some guy won Olympic gold
Eight years ago, a distance runner
And that makes a lot of sense
This place is such great motivation
For anyone trying to move
The fuck away from hibernation, yoo-hoo
Well, I'm tired of dirt roads
Named after high school friends' grandfathers
And motherfuckers here still don't know they caught
The Boston bombers
Time moves so damn slow
I swear I feel my organs failing
I stopped caring 'bout a month ago
Since then, it's been smooth sailing
I would leave if only I could find a reason
I'm mean because I grew up in New England
I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them
Spend the rest of my life with what could have been
And I will die in the house that I grew up in
I'm homesick
I'm homesick
I'm homesick
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
I would leave if only I could find a reason
I'm mean because I grew up in New England
I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them
Spend the rest of my life with what could have been
And I will die in the house that I grew up in
I'm homesick
I'm homesick
I'm homesick
I'm homesick
so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.
I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.
I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.
my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.
life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.
::
2024 12 February :: 10.52pm
:: Music: Noah Kahan & Sam fender- homesick
I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them
Two months since you got back, how have you been and are you bored yet?
The weather ain't been bad if you're into masochistic bullshit
And every photograph that's taken here is from the summer
Some guy won Olympic gold eight years ago, a distance runner
And that makes a lot of sense, this place is such great motivation
For anyone tryna move the fuck away from hibernation
Yoo-hoo
Ooh, ooh-ooh
Oh, no
Well, I grew up in the fallout from the riots in the nineties
Static cranes stand lifeless, casting shadows on the town
I stare out that hallowed ocean as if to pick a fight
For the dreams my old man dreamt for me, lay on the other side, yeah
I would leave if only I could find a reason
I'm mean because I grew up in New England
I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them
Spendin' the rest of my life with what could have been
And I will die in the house that I grew up in
I would leave if only I could find a reason
I'm mean because I grew up in New England
I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them
Spendin' the rest of my life with what could have been
And I will die in the house that I grew up in
you didn't even like me... so why do I miss you so much? I dream about you almost every night. I still worry about you, and hope you're okay, and getting clean, and taking care of those babies.
I have a huge fucking hole in my heart. and no matter what I try to fill it, I can still feel the wind ripping through. my friends tell me to give it time, but it's been over a year and I still feel it sometimes like it was yesterday.
::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.
I broke my right foot a couple years ago, it's healed up fine ... but now my left foot causes me excruciating pain after walking even short distances. I'm seeing the doctor this week but it's made exercising nearly impossible and it's extremely depressing.
this winter has also just been giving horrible so far. it's been in the negatives all week. now we are finally maybe getting our first real snow, followed by shitty rain. it's always dark.
I might take some classes at the community college in the spring just to give me something to do. my joints hurts so much anymore I don't crochet or do any crafts, I just sit on the couch and watch YouTube obsessively. it's fucking sad. maybe I just want to love it my last few months kids free doing stupidly mindless shit?
I'm in my second trimester and haven't gained any weight, which I am very proud of. the first Dr I saw said I should gain 30lbs, which would essentially be undoing all my hard work over the past year. that really fucking brings me down too. this journey i thought would be fun and exciting but it's mostly just been painful and sad. hopefully I don't have ridiculous post partum depression once the nugget arrives, but I'm deeply concerned...
why am I just such a pile of trash? my body hates me, my mind hates me... am I even worth anything?