godessalthena
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2009 15 November :: 12.11pm
I want to make this happen.
All I want for Christmas is help moving back to Seattle. If this is the last gift you'll ever give me I'll be happy with that because it is honestly the best gift I could ever receive.
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godessalthena
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2009 14 November :: 11.07pm
:: Mood: anxious
I must say hotwings have to be my favorite food!
We are watching the Matrix :/ nothin else is on.. I'm bored out of my freaking mind and idk what to do..
I keep choking on drinks. Like juice and water.. It goes right up my nose and burns :/ blegh.
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godessalthena
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2009 13 November :: 1.27am
So! We went to the Vu tonight! (my idea ;3) and at first it was pretty boring..
But then! this girl starts dancing to Trent and I was smitten. She came to our table after her set and good lord she is hot!! And really sweet. She offered us a couples dance and after a short deliberation we agreed :3
seriously.. Hottest thing I have ever experienced! She was grinding and purring and nibbling.. I was honestly going crazy! After the dance SHE offered ME her number and said " I should be paying you!" :3
She wants to hang out.. I think we're going to try hanging out on Saturday :3 I'm so excited!!
Ah and I didn't think I was going to have any fun!
:D
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godessalthena
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2009 10 November :: 7.11pm
I hate feeling like I deserve to die every day.
I'm honestly convinced I'm the worst person I've ever known.
I just hate everything about myself and I just want to say fuck it and just do whatever.
I'm so done being Amelia. And I have no clue how to be someone else.
I need to see a doctor.
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godessalthena
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2009 9 November :: 9.28pm
More wishlist:
cast iron skillet
cast iron grill plate
a wok
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godessalthena
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2009 8 November :: 12.00am
Feelings suck a lot of the time.
And I hate how once people wiggle into my heart they get stuck there and won't leave..
It hasn't really happened in the past year + (thankfully) but..
I need to learn how to let go.
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godessalthena
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2009 5 November :: 11.14pm
Current holiday wish list:
any t-shirt from asofterworld.com
a softer world book
a new full set of kitchen pans etc.
PS3
LOVE
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godessalthena
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2009 5 November :: 1.53am
Sex should always be screaming bloody murder good :3
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godessalthena
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2009 4 November :: 11.23pm
Well... My life is extremely boring and filled with pointless stress I really don't want..
There are a lot of things I really don't want..
But I did finally get Giraffie back! An old friend who has always been there and loved me. Last night was the first night in a long time that I had him in my arms again and it just felt so right..
My Premera interview is this Friday.. I'm very nervous and very worried about moving.. Or finding the means to move. But if I get this job there is no way in HELL I am staying here a day longer. I need out and I need it now! I need a change. I need a new life, a fresh start. A city that let's me be myself without feeling ashamed or afraid! I read a hilarious quote today.. That there are two sets of values in Washington: that of Seattle and that of the rest of Washington.
Living in Spokane again really made this painfully clear. I can't wait to get out.
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poisonedheart
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2009 4 November :: 3.08am
I WILL get a job before january, and I WILL move out.
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godessalthena
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2009 3 November :: 9.50am
Premera called me! The one in Mount Lake Terrace. They want to know if I'll be moving that way.. Answer is HELL YES if I am offered a position.
Now all I need is a place that is low cost on the front end or a small personal loan :)
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godessalthena
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2009 2 November :: 11.05am
Things are pretty nice right now.. We have enough to pay rent, we will have enough to cover everything, Halloween was fun, and I have the hottest boyfriend ever!
Now if only we could find a bitchin' roomie.. Or be in Seattle :D
I'm getting a haircut soon. I'm experimenting with new make up. I'm losing weight. I just need to be a little more positive and I'll be all set for a happy life :)
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godessalthena
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2009 1 November :: 6.15pm
I like the way Sus put it - they treat me the way they do because they see me as an adult. So I don't need to be doted on or shown affection. I'm a big girl now..
I hope Zuzu liked her gifts..
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godessalthena
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2009 30 October :: 9.16pm
This sadness needs to leave.. I know what it's from but I have no way to remedy it.
Everytime you say it I want to say "liar" because I know you don't really mean it..
What's wrong with me?
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godessalthena
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2009 30 October :: 2.24am
A softer world makes my life. Period.
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godessalthena
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2009 29 October :: 6.38pm
No Halloween plans..
No Friday plans..
No friends who can hang out when I'm free..
This really sucks..
I need to find somewhere to find friends..
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godessalthena
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2009 27 October :: 11.19am
Sometimes I really wish I was someone else..
I want to be happy with my life. To let go of the people who don't love me and focus on the ones who do..
I almost lost the last piece of home I have.. And it's all my fault. I don't understand why I work so hard to ruin the last nice and steady thing in my life. :/
I love you, Sus. <3
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godessalthena
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2009 24 October :: 12.33pm
Didn't get the Premera job :(
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godessalthena
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2009 21 October :: 11.08am
Well.. I think I'm getting better at staying positive in the face of adversity..
But.. Premera's new hire class starts on Monday and I still haven't heard from them... :( it's making me really worried.. I honestly will go crazy if they do not rehire me. I don't see reason for them to not hire me again.. D:
:/ I really am getting frustrated with my life.
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godessalthena
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2009 18 October :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: drained
Wii... Have nothing to do haha!
We got a wii today.. After being constantly ditched and brushed off withthe people we attempt to be friends with we decided to finally get something to entertain us while we are drunk and stuck at home! (I'm secretly hoping it will entice more ppl to come and hang out with us!)
work scheduling sucks.. I work Sunday thru Thursday 2 to 10 and Sus works Monday thru Friday 9 to 5... Which is f'ing retarded. Alls I can say is Premera better freaking call me this week.. Ppl at work can't understand how I can stand working with and living with him. Like I see him 24/7 :/ which isn't true.
And I don't really like half + of my team (I say + cuz I haven't met everyone on my team yet.. But I don't really like 4 of the 5 ppl I've met on the team :/)
oh well! We'll see what happens!
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godessalthena
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2009 17 October :: 9.54am
Now that I've done it.. I can definitely see the appeal of going out and drinking with friends. Last night was really fricken fun and I think the only thing that could have made it better would be my back not being injured so I could have joined in DDR. And to have those born agains STFU
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godessalthena
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2009 15 October :: 5.58am
Why do I even try..? *take foot, insert in mouth*
drunkenness + txting cute girls who are vulnerable = horrible idea :( :(
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godessalthena
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2009 12 October :: 7.46am
I want to amend my last entry:
I don't hate the used of the drug. I hate the overuse and abuse of those drugs.
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godessalthena
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2009 11 October :: 1.16pm
:: Mood: angry
I am probably in one of the most foul moods I have ever had right now.
I hate how you finally find someone you can talk to and connect with the fucking start taking WAY too many fucking mind altering drugs and change their opinions about eveythinf so whenever you fucking say one thing they jump down your throat and make you feel like a fucking piece of shit. I really have had it with drugs and with hippies. And with the fucking idiots that I work with. I am so fucking sick of bring treated like I'm stupid like I'm wrong like I'm less than every fucking smoker and irresponsible mother and father out there.
I really am trying to be a good person, I try really fucking hard to be responsible and to take care of myself. I spend so much of my fucking time thinking about what would be best for this world and for myself and then I get treated like fucking shit. I am not a bad daughter I am not a bad friend I am not a bad anything. I'm an abused and neglected girl who is trying her fucking best to not get beaten down so badly she can't stand to live anymore.
I'm sorry you have become a good-for-nothing druggie who has no money no prospects and can only think about their next trip. I miss the friend I used to have. I miss the person who used to support me and comfort me and be there for me. I have no fucking clue what happened to you but you are no where near the same person and it kills me every time we talk...
I just wish I could have what i used to. I wish things didn't always turn out this way.. It isn't fair and it isn't right.
Fuck you pot acid lsa.. Fuck all psychadellics. You ruin people. You destroy beautiful people.
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godessalthena
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2009 8 October :: 10.17pm
God I have been so freaking exhausted this week! Waking up every morning at 5 am and going to bed at 10 pm.. It's so taxing.. Plus working full time at a job I am bad at and the stress of feeling like a loser at work.. I need an assload of sleep..
Plus the meds I'm taking mean I can't have a night cap :/ good news is the horrible thing that could have been wrong with me is just weakening due to a constant bacterial infection caused by irregular bleeding.. Haha what a loop! I prolly got a cut and the blood caused an imbalance so the natural bacteria went crazy causing a chain reaction! What a relief!
And the best thing to come out of my dr's visit is I'm on seasonique and the dr said there is absolutely no reason for me to ever have a period on such a low dose!!!!!!! I can't tell you how fucking rad that is!! I hate the mood swings the nausea the immense pain sleepless nights.. The fights the more intense and frequent bouts of sadness... NEVER AGAIN!! And prolly no menopause! God that was a painful but productive visit!
Anyway.. I can't wait to start making money to start saving money and paying off credit cards :)
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godessalthena
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2009 6 October :: 3.18pm
Sometimes this monster named intense immediate and all encompassing sadness finds me and holds on tight. It makes me feel like my chest is made of lead and I have knots in my throat and I get this horrible urge to cry or scream.
It has me right now and squeezing tight and I feel like there is no way out. It feels like I'm slowly dying and I almost just want to give in...
I feel like I don't fit and I want to run and disappear so I never have to see these people again. I hate feeling like a back up.. But that's what I am and always will be.
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godessalthena
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2009 30 September :: 5.58pm
Today was extremely stressful.. I hate my job I hate he QA chick plus mist of her department.. I feel like i'm one of the biggest losers there because I'm different and I really suck at selling stuff...
But I do really love my new phone! It isn't a huge piece of crap that alwaysturns off and never does what I say! My old phone was such a piece of crap..
We hung out with Lauren last night and it was really fun and awesome!! It was worht he hge hangover..
I've been thinking a lot about the past and all the stupid things that have happened... I feel like cryig more often than not ususally.. I just feel so stupid for making the choices I have and for not bein able to change the circumstances I'm in for a good year. I just can't look at my future and see me suceeding anymore.. I'm so terrified that I'm gign to be in debt forever now..
I just want to leave Spokane. I'm so done with this city.
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godessalthena
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2009 23 September :: 5.30pm
can i cry now?
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godessalthena
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2009 20 September :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: sleepy
i love the movie "let's go to prison" its so frickin funny :D
i'm super bored. its sunday, i have to go back to work tomorrow and there's nothing fun to do here. sus is playing his game and i don't have any friends to hang out with.. :/ so boring.
i got a book from the library and i'm pretty sure i hate it. and i haven't really read that much of it, but the style is driving me crazy and i want to punch it in the face. grr.
we tried to go out to sushi yesterday. the first time we went it was packed, the second time we went it was closed :( we saw 9, which, i must say, though very well animated, was a weak movie. there was a lot of character development missing and it just seemed.. like it was lacking a lot of story. it was like.. an idea that wasn't fully developed and then put into a movie. rushed and not well thought out..
BUT MAN!! those monsters were scary as hell!
i've also decided that i really enjoy bjork. she is a cutie and her music is just soo... random and enjoyable. and cute topics. and her videos are awesome!
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godessalthena
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2009 19 September :: 2.59pm
so this place is hiring that i really want to work. and i'm super excited about it and i really hope they call me because i don't want to cell sprint phones. screw that.
I am down to 183 lbs. When I moved out of my parent's house I was 215 lbs. So in the last year I'm down 32 lbs (i lost and regained the same like.. 10 lbs a few times :/) and i am so freaking proud of myself. I didn't realise I had gotten so fat, but now that i've lost some weight i can really see the difference. and it isn't really all that hard..
at this point i'm on a low calorie, high protein diet. i eat like.. six times a day, but only really small meals of mostly protein, with some carbs (usually rice or lettuce and cheese on salad. or popcorn OMG). i eat a ton of chicken. and when drinking i use vokda and diet soda. i also drink a fuckload of water. i don't really feel super hungry all the time and to be honest, i would much rather be hungry for like.. 2 hours a day and a pound less the next day, than be satisfied and and pound bigger or the same.
sus's birthday is soon! we're going to seattle for a two days which i'm super excited about! i'm trying to lose as much weight as i safely can so i look decent when we go hot tubing with his friends. we're eating lunch with his dad and i think his dad's sister or mom and her husband or something.. we're probably staying at danielle's house and jarred will be there (which is kinda.. makes me uncomfortable because i don't really know him at all :/ but he's a good guy so w/e) sus's family makes me soooo freaking nervous.
anyway, we're done with training at work and i'm going to start taking calls on monday. i'm a little nervous because i don't really know anything about the phones..
and some sex updates Read more..
idk if i get that job, if they call me, my life will be so freaking awesome you have no idea. i can't wait.
alkfdlkfajldkfaldsj
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