<center>pathos

:: 2008 4 August :: 9.16am

so life is stupid.
and things and people in my life are stupid..
and i just am so done with having people in my life who make me feel stupid.

so i decided that i won't let them make me feel stupid..
by making sure i never give them any ammo to do so..

i keep forgetting i was accepted to bcc and uw this year..
what make me give up?
i have no idea what the reason was that i wasn't going this year..
....
am i just really, really stupid?

i just need to go choke and die.
i'm just a pussy.
i need dreams.
goals.
and a back up plan if i dont marry a rich man.

haha
wish me luck

1 = | +

:: 2008 27 July :: 3.13am

So, everything is transient and meaningless, there's no point to life, yet I think I'll stick around a bit yet.

:: 2008 26 July :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: depressed

i don't think i like vicodin
so... here i am.. at my house.. alone.. like always..

where is kirk? hell if i know...

i hate this stupid fucking place.
i hate everything..

today really just.. when right down the shit hole whn i got home..

i don't think i can take this much longer.
i...

i feel so worthless to him. like i'm not really a part of his life..
or at least a part he enjoys..
i just want to run away..
i just want to die..
i want to stop existing..
i wish i had never started existing..
i feel so small and insignificant..

:/

on a higher note i found my old mp3 player haha

4 = | +

:: 2008 24 July :: 5.32pm
:: Music: marilyn manson - this is the new shit...

no matter how hard i try to stay away from the drama that is my friend's mouths..

it seems to just.. find me.. and try to destroy me. and i hate it.

the first thing she asked me when i said we had been hanging out was...

"Did you have sex with him?"

and when i said no she said:

"Well you know I'm the first person you'd tell."

Her arrogance really, really, really pissed me off. who does she think she is? i most def would not tell her first.. or at all. not after last time.

i just hate the feeling like she thinks that i'm obligated to tell her everything in my life. she isn't my mom.

god i love this song. and i don't know why.

:(
but i think i'm going to try to go back to DP.. but i'm scared..
i saw a doctor today.. and he was so...
i wish i could be like that.

follow your hearts kids, because that's all that matters in life.

:: 2008 23 July :: 9.26am

i feel like i'm dying.

and my friends here are making me so angry

2 = | +

:: 2008 16 July :: 9.04am

i'm starting to think i should stay away from woohu...
it just makes me depressed because everyone on here is depressed...

yesterday was a horrible day..
i was so upset and angry and hurt yesterday..

i really hate my job...
and i really hate most of the people there..
and i just..

i wish people were happy.
and they weren't assholes..
and they kept secrets..
and they didn't lie about other people..

i'm getting sick of humans again. GRRR

tonight~!!!!

I'm driving to spokane!!!!!
and i get to see LAUREN!!!
and my family!
and yay!

2 = | +

:: 2008 15 July :: 10.43am

going home tomorrow night..
little nervous..
little excited..
i just don't know what to expect..
GAAAHHH
i just hope nothing goes bad..
haha

:: 2008 11 July :: 9.59am

:)

life is so wonderful.

3 = | +

:: 2008 5 July :: 6.15pm

things seem to just...

i don't really know what to say. i do so many things thinking it'll make me happy, but i really don't feel happy most of the time...

like today.. i had fun hanging out with someone new.. but talking to him made me feel depressed... i don't know what it is about certain people... maybe it's just because people who i actually talk to remind me so much of myself that it makes me feel bad...

makes me feel bad about being... me...

and i know it's all in my head, because i'm a good person and people like me... but when i talk to people so many of my faults come out that it just makes me so... upset that i have to be like this...

and it makes me feel so alone... i know this won't work out... no matter how much i want to have a good friend, i just can't help feel like it's going to be like every other man i've met since i've moved here...

at some point you'd think that i would hate men and just give up.. but most women are more of a liability than an asset unfortunately...

someday i'll make the friends that i need... i won't always feel so alone or so... self-loathing...

i really miss my family.. i know they don't miss me the same as i miss them... and i know i don't show it.. but in all honesty, they are really the only people i talk about here... they are always on my mind... i really miss having them close to me...

i can't wait to start my own family...

<3 amelia.

p.s. i got my ears pierced today! two more on my right lobe. sooo bad ass.

:: 2008 30 June :: 1.04pm

Last night sucked so hardcore.
I think that's the last time I hang out with Quin and Morgan together.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i'm kind of getting sick of it.
Maybe I just want someone to show me that they care. That sound's pretty lame but I'm not feeling it.

There were seven cop cars in front of my neighbors house when I got home from work yesterday, it was pretty ridiculous. Apparently, some 40 year old dude died and it was "suspicious".

Thursday, hopefully me and Zak Attack will go to Airway Heights and load up on fireworks for the fourth. :D
I'm pretty excited for that.

1 = | +

:: 2008 28 June :: 9.51am

so it looks like things may start changing for me... which is good and what I need...

kirk and i talked last night... we're going to start looking for a new place that's less expensive and bigger. because i know they're out there. at eat a place bigger for the same price. this place is too expensive for how much space we have...

and kirk's looking at things, but i don't want to say much about that because it's really all his choice and i'm not sure how he really feels about it.

i'm going back to school part time, because i'd rather just work and learn a little of what i want rather than putting myself into debt. i really want to buy a motorcycle. that's what i've really been wanting to do. a crotch rocket. but we'll see.

we might even get a dog if we get a bigger place! which would rock. i really want a dog.

hmm...

yeah, so yesterday kinda sucked and kinda rocked. so... we'll see where this takes us.

:: 2008 27 June :: 6.48pm

wall-e is the cutest movie ever! <3

2 = | +

:: 2008 27 June :: 10.23am

allergies are bad this year.

my bird really doesn't like me for no good reason...

i, once again, am doing nothing on my day off other than dishes and the cat box... I hate days off just because it reminds me of how lonely i am.

DAMN YOU SLEEPY KIRK GO TO BED EARLIER!

at least it's a really pretty day outside. maybe i can go swimming today! that would be so fun.

i want to get another tattoo soon...... i wish i wasn't so afraid of my parents... what they'll think... stuff like that... it's my body i can do with it as i please... at least it isn't drugs or sex with strangers... i mean... the places are clean and the needles are sterile... it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. yeah they're permanent... but i can cover them up with clothing and what not.

i just don't get it. but i hate their disapproval. but i can't let their.. not acceptingness of what i love get in the way of doing what makes me happy.

I AM SUCH A FREAKING LOSER OMG.

:: 2008 25 June :: 2.28pm

i feel like we're in an ocean... in separate boats... drifting away from each other... except i'm not in a boat, and you're rowing away from me... laughing about it...

1 = | +

:: 2008 14 June :: 1.47am

80's dance party?

i think so.

:: 2008 9 June :: 7.33pm

people are so nice these days

I'm glad I have the chance to have assholes insult me all the time

:D

2 = | +

:: 2008 4 June :: 11.19pm

I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.

Crap.

3 = | +

:: 2008 3 June :: 8.45pm

two hours tomorrow
and i'm done.

it hasn't hit me yet.

2 = | +

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

1 = | +

:: 2008 29 May :: 6.53pm

three and a half days until high school is behind me

2 = | +

:: 2008 28 May :: 9.16pm

I miss me...

I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...

Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...

I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...

But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...

Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...

But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...

Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.

I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.

What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?

I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...

peace&love <3 amelia

3 = | +

:: 2008 24 May :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: random stuff

nothing is right
i dyed my hair today. i smell pretty.

i think my parents will hate me when i visit. because i'll have more body art. and i really feel like it will alienate me more. but i like it and i don't want to not get it just because of my family.

do you ever feel like everything you say is completely trivial. why the hell am i even talking about anything? i'm having one of those days.

my days off are pointless. i don't do anything and it's so boring here. it's beautiful outside, but i don't want to go out alone. what's the point of adventuring if you have no one to go with you?

i miss having friends. i miss having people to hang out with and talk to and feel and want to touch. people here... they make me happy that people don't like touching me. i don't really want them to touch me. maybe i'm sick. idk, but the people here aren't people. they are... something else... adults. but really crappy adults. they have all the crappy qualities of adults and teenagers mixed together.

i think i'm very harsh with the people here. but i can't trust them and i certainly don't want to give any part of my heart to them. i know what they do with hearts like mine.

except... my heart is fuckered up now. and i'm so cold and mean. i push everyone away. i don't get it. i'm so alone and desperate for friendship, but i push everyone away because they aren't what i want. what do i want..? not these people. not the people at work. i had a dream about jason the other night. he txted me telling me he missed me. hahaha i'm so fucked up.

i've started talking in my sleep on a much more regular basis now. i have no idea why. i can't even remember what i would have been saying.

oh well.
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

sigh.

3 = | +

:: 2008 14 May :: 6.04am

It feels good to conquer what you're battling.

Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?

1 = | +

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

4 = | +

:: 2008 5 May :: 6.46am

this was pretty much the worst weekend ever.

:: 2008 27 April :: 9.17pm

probably heading home this weekend...
or next weekend.. to see the dentist!
huzzahh!

idk, i just hope it isn't snowy. i had to take off my snow tires... haha.

work sucks.. people sucks... idk, nothing really to be looking forward to right now..

adam's visiting in june! yay!
uhm... not much else to say..

my life is boring.
i made some brisket. hella tastey.

it was my birthday a while ago.
hella great birthday.

hella cute kitty.

3 = | +

:: 2008 27 April :: 8.18pm

I just don't want to go.
Is that so hard to understand?

Stop trying to make me do something I don't want to.

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37pm

Pictures from last weekend.

Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder

A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground

Different angle, same bubble

Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke

Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.