<center>pathos

pathos

:: 2007 7 November :: 7.22pm

I'm pretty sure Natalie Portman's Shaved Head started the whole sideways pony tail thing, and not Katelyn Eyford.

It must be hard for her though, with people wearing the same hair style and all. God forbid.

aerii

:: 2007 6 November :: 8.13pm

i just want it back.

i just want to be able to sit and talk and laugh.
and not have to hide all the time.
i want to feel safe.

aerii

:: 2007 6 November :: 7.18pm

what career are you going to pursue?

a logger. what else am i going to do with a saw for a foot?

aerii

:: 2007 6 November :: 5.43am

"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still be weaving that same basket. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have and overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletiner. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way--I can't explain what I mean. and even if i could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it."

aerii

:: 2007 4 November :: 3.25pm

This would not have happened if I hadn't missed my plane
I would've been there when they told you I'm the rat within the grain
Within this big misunderstanding now, I'm being misunderstood
I'm thinkin' someone's trying to fuck with me and set fire to my wood

I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful, and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you

It's a stupid situation now where everything goes wrong
If you can't tell if I am lying, then you do not belong
In my bed, go rest your head upon the bones of a bigger man
And he can cover you with rockwool and you can close up like a clam

'Cause I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful, and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you

So go play with your piano and write a mediocre song
About this shell of mediocrity
And pretend there's nothing wrong
I never thought you were a chicken shit
I never thought of you at all
Until you asked me to be part of it
And now you're showing me a wall

I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you

La la la...

In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you

godessalthena

:: 2007 2 November :: 10.08pm

i feel so alone and isolated.
more than i've ever felt before.
i'm not a part of anything.
and there's nothing i want to be a part of.

i hate where i am right now.
but at this point i really don't have anywhere else to go.

i don't want to feel like this anymore.

poisonedheart

:: 2007 30 October :: 7.38pm

"If The Brakeman Turns My Way" - Bright Eyes

When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the Brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence but it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, Oh Babylon, with merry Middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes from those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child then the other way around
The Scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the Brakeman turns my way

It is an old world it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed up tea leaves
Phantom Pain
Fuzzy logic in the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the Brakeman turns my way
Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the Brakeman turns my way

aerii

:: 2007 30 October :: 5.58am

this week is going to be so shitty.
1. write personal essay by friday
2. write proposal essay for senior culminating project by friday
3. figure out what to do for senior culminating project
4. finish biome project for neff
5. halloween
6. birthday
7. talk to councilor about senior culminating project & college shit.
8. buy some knives
9. edit my senior pictures and turn them in (SOOOO LATE)
10. figure out senior quote and turn it in

slkdjflsdkjflskdfj

oh well, life goes on.
:D

poisonedheart

:: 2007 27 October :: 8.05pm

Well, so closes that chapter of my life I guess, it's just two years down the drain.

poisonedheart

:: 2007 25 October :: 10.25pm

aerii

:: 2007 24 October :: 5.58am

I am waiting for something to wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
And i am waiting for that sense of relief
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

godessalthena

:: 2007 22 October :: 5.11pm

talking seems to make things a lot better...
it's just getting the nerve to talk that's hard...

and knowing what to say.
and how to say it.

i'm glad i did though...
because i feel so much better now that i did.

now if only i could just...
get some friends here. so i could hang out with them.

hehe and my cat does not like water.
and i love the movies donnie darko and the thing.
especially the thing. it's amazing for 1982.
ah the best movie i've seen in a while...

poisonedheart

:: 2007 21 October :: 9.33pm

Ha, summary of why women suck 99.9% of the time.

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

5 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 21 October :: 2.53pm

i hate this.

i'm done.

3 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2007 19 October :: 10.24pm

is it wrong that i feel so alone?

yea.. i have friends...
but where are they?
where are they right now?
where are the ones who understand me?
who know how i feel?
who don't tell me things i don't need to hear?
where are my friends...
my friends who listen...
and care..
and sit with me when it's cold outside...
friends who like adventures...

where are all the people?
am i doomed to only have typed words for the rest of my life?

i'm in a very dark place right now.
and no one really cares...
"cheer up"
"smile"
...
i can't fucking cheer up.
i can't fucking smile...
what can i smile about?
i have a tedious job... and everyone makes fun of me or ignores me.
when i'm not at work i'm home alone.
i call people...
but i don't feel like i'm really someone they want to talk to...

maybe i am just a big cry baby.
but who cares?
i'm alone most of the time anyway.
i can't really talk to anyone...

i feel so fucking alone.
and i feel like there's nothing i can do about it.

what's the point?

1 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 18 October :: 7.51pm

i wish running away from your problems really worked.

why does this have to be so difficult?

1 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 17 October :: 6.54pm

i feel sick
anxious sick

sldkfjldkj

i hate people
a lot.

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 10 October :: 5.37pm

Julia wants me to smoke some salvia with her this weekend, she said she'll buy a gram if she gets the chance, I think I'll just go ahead and try it, I mean, it's legal and has no long term effects, so why the fuck not?

poisonedheart

:: 2007 7 October :: 8.13am

So, I'm just the medicine
You take when you're sick
You get well and that's it
I'm put back on the shelf in your mirror
And it isn't exceptional
The course of our fate
So, people love and they hate
And I guess it's just our turn to hate
Yeah, you were just some song I wrote
A poem on a page
A sculpture I made out of clay
Desire was the flame
But now you're more of a basketball
Boys just pass you around
They bounce you hard on the ground and dribble
And then we all get high fives
And you think I'm an asshole now
Well, you're probably right
But at least I'm not blind to the facts
I've been wishing were lies
But still I hope you get everything
That you care to possess
And unbelievable sex with him
Or any one of my friends
But just don't ask about my appetite
I didn't lose it tonight
No, it's been gone half my life
It's just act, I've been eating for you

poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 October :: 10.19am

Ya know, I'd be a completely different person today if I had never joined this website.

I never would've met Lauren.
Never would've been invited to SpokLAN by Lauren.
Never would've become friends with Julius and later Jen at SpokLAN
Never would've become friends with ANYONE from SpokLAN for that matter.
Probably never would've taken Japanese without Jen's influence, meaning I'd have a completely different plan for my future.
So yeah, in the end, this website has changed my life immensely.

poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 October :: 9.42am

This is why I fucking hate getting close to people, all that ever happens is that you get hurt, you should never invest your emotions in anyone but yourself, because they'll just treat your feelings like a toy, and toys always end up broken.

1 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 October :: 8.37am

I see why they call it a broken heart, it actually hurts, it feels like someone just reached in there and squeezed my heart until it popped.

It's just so hard knowing that your biggest reason for waking up in the morning doesn't even seem to give a shit about how her actions make you feel.

godessalthena

:: 2007 4 October :: 11.01am

my kitten loves me <3
my fiancee loves me <3

i'm happy.
even though work is exhausting me.
my future is questionable.
i should work on that scholarship.
but...

i wish i had someone to talk to.
i want someone who understands where i'm coming from.
i want someone who will give me some advice that i can really use.
from someone who's done this before.

next year i will be completely independent.
i will pay all my own bills
i will pay my own car insurance.
i will work for myself.
i will own all of my own stuff.
how many people i know can say the same thing?
"at 19 i was completely independent without even planning it."

i just feel like i'm 19 going on 30.
and i want some help, but i don't know who to turn to.

the biggest thing i want to talk about is college.
and how real the option of college is to me..
but i can't talk to anyone.
because the way i look at it and the way everyone else does are very different.

i feel lost.
but at least i am loved.

2 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 3 October :: 6.34pm

(And I know...)
State is not an ocean, not an island, not a road
If I don't know where I come from
How do I know where to go?
It's not where you're from, not where you're at
It's where your going... and I am going home...
To the land of the lost souls
Feeling a loneliness that really only exists in abandoned foster homes

poisonedheart

:: 2007 25 September :: 7.37pm

I did painful things today....

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 19 September :: 11.25pm

I should try forming a serious relationship, everyone else does it these days, I should too.

godessalthena

:: 2007 18 September :: 11.56pm

this is a situation that you can either let it destroy you to fix you

this last year there have been a lot of situations like this in my life.
and i never took advantage of them.
i never tried to make myself better because of them.

well, this time i'm not going to let my nature fuck over this chance.
i'm going to take what i've got and i'm going to make this shit into gold.
one way or another i'm going to get to where i want to be.
and when i get there, it's going to be so much better than if someone gave it to me.
i make my own destiny.
and my destiny is to be great.
just you wait.

poisonedheart

:: 2007 16 September :: 9.01pm

"I Won't Ever Be Happy Again"

Well morning came
And it dressed the sky
In a lovely yellow gown
Now the shops they are
All opening
In that narrow hallway of downtown
Filled with people who
Are shopping for
Their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again
Well a forest fenced
becomes backyards
Like songs are born from sound
And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground
So here we go
But there ain't no escape
Yeah, these streets they're just dead ends
So I won't ever be happy again
Well, it seems you too
See a painful blue
When you stare into the sky
You could never understand
The motion of a hand waving you goodbye
"Bye bye"
But as the story goes
or it is often told
A new day will arise
And all the dance halls will
Be full of skeletons
That are coming back to life
And on a grassy hill
the lion will
lay down with the lamb
And I won't ever be lonely again
No, no, no, no, no
But until that time
I think I had better find
some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2007 16 September :: 2.12pm

so...
i had to leave the one place that i really loved
and that i really felt a part of.

now i'll probably be gone forever from there.
all because people lied to me.
and then freaked out on me.

i think it's because the world has conspired against me.
everyone wants to see me dead.
so they are working their asses off just to get me to fail...
so miserably...
that i can never, ever get back up.

well i got news for you.
all you fuckers that want to see me fail...
and tell me you want to see me "succeed"...

FUCK YOU.

i hate you all.
when i get married...
you are so invited to the wedding.
so i can make a speech.
and tell you all how horrible you are.
and that you'll never meet my grandchildren.
because i don't want you to have the chance to fuck them up
like you have everyone else in your life.

thanks for making me fail.
thanks for being "there" for me.
thanks for letting me know that you all think i'm worthless.
thanks for destroying all my hard work in convincing myself that i'm not.

i'm still not.
but now it's more clear than ever that everyone else thinks i am.

c'est la vie or whatever.
fuckers.

2 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 15 September :: 12.02am

sdlfkjsadlkfjsdlfkjsd

1 = | +