die you son of a bitch

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:: 2013 4 March :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: sleepy

My depression seems to just be getting worse, and I'm not really sure why. I have an appointment with my Dr, but it's in a month. I almost feel like I'm not going to make it another whole month without some serious mental break.

All I want to do anymore is get drunk and have sex. That's really it. I don't really care about anything else, I just go through the motions of "normal" life and pretend like it's still all the same.

But it's not. I don't know what changed inside of me. But I am so desperate for some kind of connection with another person. I just want to feel loved like I love people. And I don't think that'll ever happen. Not because people don't love me, just that I'm so fucking broken in my head that nothing will ever feel good enough.

Every night when I drive home I think about the bottle of vodka next to my bed. I think about how much I just want to drink the whole thing and fall asleep. I think about how nice it would be if I lived by myself so I could have someone over to fuck every night. I just want to badly to get away from myself. I hate my own skin, and everything inside of it. I can't find any redeeming qualities in myself. I just want to let go. Be nothing. Just be like all those fucked up losers on intervention, surrounded by their family, crying their eyes out, and then refuse help because that still wouldn't feel adequate. I'd just be angry that they couldn't accept me for who I was.

That's a major reason why I don't want to have kids. I'm so terrified they'll end up as fucked up as me, or as one of those addicts on TV, and that nothing I do can save them.. And I'd always blame myself.. If only I had been more attentive, loved them more, did something different, they'd be happy and successful. But broken people don't raise happy adults. They raise more broken people.

I know I'll never be able to start over. I know this is the only chance I get. I know all the shit people say to inspire and reassure, but I can't help but feel like it's all just bullshit. All of it. No one ever changes, we just all stay fucked up. It's difficult to want to try harder when there's no success that will ever make it worth it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm addicted to feeling this way.

I just can't. fucking. stop.

:: 2013 23 February :: 1.27pm

I now work at Cirilla's on 28th st. Yes, the "adult" store.

:: 2013 2 March :: 6.21pm

Last night was a good night.
Read more..

Best. Cocktail. Party. Ever.

:: 2013 23 February :: 1.04pm
:: Mood: crushed

Honestly, does anything really matter?

No, it doesn't, because once I die, and my friends die, I'll be forgotten and my life will have been completely insignificant and inconsequential.

I don't understand how people keep living. I guess most of them don't think about these things.

I really want to call out of work, stay home and just cry. Maybe that would make me feel better...

:: 2013 17 February :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: pensive

I talked to John yesterday. I miss talking with him. I'm glad I was able to help him, and I'm glad he always tries to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that other people have been through the same things that I have, and that they don't think I'm a bad person.

He asked me what really makes someone good or bad, and who exactly made the decision on what was "good" and "bad". He said that almost every single person, given the right circumstances, would be "bad" and that being "bad" isn't necessarily bad. It's just a word people use to describe actions to make themselves feel better.

Now, this is just in the context of my recent expedition to discover who I am.

We talked about how difficult it is to not be cynical after experiencing life. And how challenging it is to reawaken that voice inside you that stays optimistic despite overwhelming evidence that nothing will ever work out the way you hoped. And even if it does, the cynic in you can't even find joy in that.

I'm just so terrified I'll always he so jaded. I'll never believe in love again. I'll be the anti-romantic and live my life bitter, old, and broken hearted.

I can't even talk to anyone when I feel this way. I feel like I'm always just going to be trapped in a birdcage, all alone, with faces that on occasion speak to me through the bars.

How does anyone keep going? What is really so amazing about this life we have? What's the point of being here, scraping through life, feeling alone with only brief moments where you're distracted enough to forget.

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:: 2013 14 February :: 7.32pm

Today was really crushing. Not because of Valentines day - I couldn't care less about this stupid corporate holiday.

I just feel so betrayed. And that I can't be myself. And that I'm an idiot.

Which, yes, I make bad choices sometimes, but so does EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I want to make that clear - I make mistakes, like everyone, and the whole "holier-than-thou" attitude just makes me so insanely angry and hurt.

It makes me just never want to share my life with anyone else ever again. I tell people things that are bothering me, that I need guidance on.. I confide in my friends because I need help and support. But instead I get met with disgust? Like I'm really worse than you?

I'm sure some of these feelings are just me being sensitive because I didn't have a chance to take my anti-depressant this morning.. But it still really hurt my feelings.

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:: 2013 12 February :: 12.48pm
:: Mood: sad

I feel like I'm a shitty friend. Maybe just a shitty person in general. I just want to go hide in a hole.

I've been reading Ham on Rye, but Charles Bukowski. The sentiments of Henry are really similar to my sentiments, and it has really put my life into a new perspective. I'm not as bitter as he is, but I still feel like most of the time I'm just reading my own thoughts.

I'm trying to make myself feel better about being who I am. I miss Jana, and I enjoy the things she posts, because it makes me feel better about who I am. It's a battle accepting myself, and a lot of the time I try to pretend as though parts of me don't exist. I know I'd be happier if I just accepted myself and moved forward, but it never is as easy as that.

I'm just frustrated with my life. I know I'm making positive changes, but... I still feel as though I have so much farther to go and it makes me overwhelmed.

I won a Bravo award at work. I could get a multitude of things, or a $75 gift car. I'm thinking I want to get the gift card and go to Total Wine and just buy the beginning of my own liquor cabinet... For when I'm done with this challenge and can drink again.

I really miss drinking. I really miss a great many things.

:: 2013 7 February :: 1.09pm

Sick of being sick and I am sick of all these stupid dreams the codeine makes me have at night. My inhaler sucks and makes me cough more. I woke up this morning and could barely breathe. SO OVER IT.

Also, my boyfriend is in Colorado. He left for there a few weeks ago. He left me behind to watch his dog. I don't know when I will be seeing him. I miss him. I am pissed at him. He never talked to me about moving. He just assumed that there was nothing else he could do but to move 20 hours away from me. Never asked me if it was something I wanted to do. He'll be making money out there, PROVIDED he doesn't blow it all.

:: 2013 6 February :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: anxious

Worked out this morning, heading to Physzique in a little bit..

I'm so not ready for today. All I want to do is have someone watch TV with me. Maybe have some drinks. I am SO poor until Friday :( stupid poopy expenses.

But with all the money that will be coming my way shortly, I'll be able to finally pay off all the debt on my plan and start saving money! I'm so excited.

It's cold here. I need to get dressed. Bleh.

:: 2013 13 January :: 12.49pm

Bronchitis sucks.

:: 2013 26 January :: 8.54pm
:: Mood: depressed

e.e. cummings
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

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:: 2013 26 January :: 11.20am

why am i such a stupid fuck?

:: 2013 26 January :: 12.08am

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed my weekend for the most part, but there have been parts where it fucking sucked.

Tonight was pretty awesome. Today in general was pretty awesome! I got to see so many awesome people.

Unfortunately, my back hurts so fucking bad. I want to cry. :(

:: 2013 18 January :: 3.14am

Moving to Colorado at the end of February with the boyfriend. Mmmhmmm