mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 16 December :: 1.34pm
now i have an immense amount of shame. i want to hide. i want to die. why did i tell anyone? i know. because i wanted to change my image. i knew that before. i knew that and i told people. i guess all i wanted in the first place was to be told that i should have no doubts, btu the only person who could convince me didnt. i wish he had. i wish he loved me, too. now, ive hurt myself and everyone around me. how dumb, how perfectly stupid i am. that doesnt make anything better. i see how the cycle perpetuates. i wont do it again though.
what do i want? why does everything feel so wrong? why do i ask so many questions? why does it hurt that everyone is angry at me...why?
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 12 December :: 9.00am
pigeons!
if you want a little entertainment, go to google and type in cold pigeon and find the images. all the ones that their heads hidden in their little bodies look like the ones i pass everyday. it makes me kinda sad that they're so cold because it's not their fault that people are dumb and feed them, but at the same time, they are sooo cute.
i woke up really late...like six-thirty. that's usually when am getting on the train. but oh, well. technically, i should be in class now until nine-twenty, but i didnt want to walk in a half hour late when, lately, ive been walking in fifteen minutes late anyway. so ill just ask someone on facebook for the notes.
i asked zak to drive me on wednesday in the morning and he could take my car, but i get the feeling that wont go over so well with my parents, so am going to talk to tyler to see if he will take me with him on the cta. then he can drive me and i dont have to worry about my car at all. im actually kind of excited to go to al's on wednesday, but it's kind of a pain in the ass because of the car and i need like twenty dollars (of which i have negative) and i'll probably get bitched at by the vh kids who depend heavily on me for my car. that never makes me feel good to think about.
ama go study for japanese because we have the chapter five test today and it's the last and then on wednesday i only have a history final and a party!!! woo! but i have to finish a paper before friday, which is weird, cuz the last class is today...
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 10 December :: 3.07am
So you're afraid of coming to conclusions [about yourself], thereby possibly nullifying other possibilities.
You want to remain open minded to the point that you can't trust your own intuitions.
true for me?
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 4 December :: 12.59am
have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking?
Read more..
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 3 December :: 1.24am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: skindred
I PASSED CLEP ON WEDNESDAY! woo no english classes...but six credits!!!
am a little worried about doing well in school, because dad will be angry.
justin's so frustrating. i have half a mind to not even talk to him anymore, but then it would hurt too much...but maybe just not to talk to him for a bit, but then he'd be angry.
but he wants me to be him...not to be me. that's frustrating too. why cant i be hyper or sad when i feel what i do? why does he critisize everything i and everyone else do?
no one has ever inspired me to do so much artwork when i think about them. in fact, whenever id done it before, it was to give to them, not in reminisence of them. the hand picture, a poem, a descriptive story, a painting...that isnt soemthign that anyone has made me do before.
how is someone so controlling so appealing?
its sad how ridiculously infatuated i am with him. and yet, everytime he tells kristen to get over stunkel, i cant help but wonder if he's really talking to me.
i dont know ama take a bath. g'night
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 24 November :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: angry
that turkey on google taunts me. he has pie and cranberry sauce in front of him. i want all that and mashed potatos and sweet potatos and green beans...a normal thanksgiving dinner. ive been so excited about it. but, no. we're having appetizers...cheese and crackers. i was more full last night when we went to red robin!
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 23 November :: 11.43pm
im so jealous of her.
she has someone to protect her, someone to guide her, and someone to love her.
i dont think she sees it, though.
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 22 November :: 11.10pm
i shouldnt be writing in here. i need to do my paper.
kristen was talking about stunkel and la-te-da...
she told me dont give up on justin...
but i love him. too much to lose him.
zak says otherwise now...
"if he had wanted you, dont you think he would have gone for you? he went for a freshman and not you"
ouch. but why couldnt anyone tell me before. before eight months had rolled around? before i started this ridiculous emotion.
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 20 November :: 9.45pm
hello! the last few days've been interesting. friday we went to a concert and took dagi and kristen, and that was fun...funny, too, cuz they were frightened a bit...until they started to participate. :)
Read more..
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 17 February :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: aggravated
as if i dont do so enough, am going to bitch. and of course, among common topics, about my parents.
Read more..
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 14 November :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: melancholy
you know, i dont know if im really melancholy...but it's such a pretty word.
strangely, life seems to be fated ironically. the jealousy of my love for another flipped into my envy for his action with another.
Read more..
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2005 9 November :: 10.41pm
i know if you're reading this, you're sick of hearing about justin. because i almost am.
kristen does not see the appeal in him. understandably. the thing about spending a lot of time with someone is the fact that you can pinpoint perfectly what his or her biggest issues are.
Justin's issues:
I. CONTROL
there is no doubt about it; he wants to be in control of the situation and the people involved because if he's in control, then no one can make him do anything.
II. DENIAL
he claims he is one way, and is definatly another. classical idenity confusion.
III. SUPERIORITY
most people work themselves up in competition; there is the all out defeating someone, and the sabotaging their progress to fuel your own. he's the second one.
so, with all that, the guy that spoke at the school a few weeks ago said that first there is infatuation. then there is the problem discovery and that seems to be the stage within which i am.
i got some pants and boots and so that's happy. ama go to kohl's tmro though to exchange the pants (they're too big).
4 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
Aaron
|
::
2005 8 November :: 4.53pm
:: Mood: calmer...but still hurt
:: Music: I never told you what I did for a living
Old friends...
So deep and down we go
down
and down we go
and down we go
and down we go
And we fall down right here
i tried
And we'll all disown to the sound of your death
We'll love again, hold hands again
and its better off this way
and never again
and never again
they gave us two shots to the back of the head
and we're all dead now
well never again
and never againt
they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead, now
I tried
one more night
one more night
laugh out cry out laugh out cry out laugh out loud
cause its dry for life
I tried
I tried
I tried
and we'll love again
we'll laugh again
we'll cry again
and we'll dance again
and its better off this way
so much better off this way
and never again
we'll never again
they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead now
fitting...there were days when all of [them] would have come running...and I don't see one of them...not one. Proof, I guess, that there really wasn't a place for me anyway.
18 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
Aaron
|
::
2005 6 November :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: Excited
:: Music: This bizarre piano my dad has playing.
I have a MySpace!
http://www.MySpace.com/prince_of_heaven
Come check it out!
5 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
