mudpiegrl
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2004 8 September :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: calm
so tonight i went to the BEAT (Bringing Education About Tobacco) meeting today.
it was fun actually. im really starting to be able to get out ideas so that'll be a help in those horrible officer meetings where i cant come up with any good ideas.
erm...i didnt bring my notebook...i wrote what i wanted to post next in here...ill go get it.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 6 September :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: angry/exhasted/sad/tired/rushed/accomplished/sick/
i just finished a three day, non-stop working weekend.
building and painting...
im not trying to do my homework and find time to go get my work clothes for tmro, my first day of work.
wed. we start crew and thurs. im training.
i have a job, im in all-state, im an officer, im trying to do my homework, im making friends, im not a total idiot, im in two anti-drug programs...
this is better than anyone on either side of my family, yet im not good enough.
im still getting yelled at for my room...
who the fuck cares? no one sees it, not even me!
all i wanted to do this weeked was see neil because i miss him so much.
but all i go to do was use ten gallons of paint in ten hours.
woo.
im tired and i want to sleep.
i have a headache.
my gums/teeth hurt. (wisdom teeth are moving in)
i wasted my weekend with people i dont know.
i have so much to do.
and have done so little of it.
my voice is gone.
and my body hurts.
all i want to do is sleep.
but this is just my break and then hello to another day with only a few hours of sleep
so if i look tired tmro.
that's why.
goodnight.
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Aaron
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2004 3 September :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: Infuriated
:: Music: The patient, Tool
I know no one is to blame. But how the hell do you explain this? the world is so fucked up. Am I the only one that gets it? How did I jump so far ahead? She's back where i was last january. jesus' shit on a stick, I am about rady to kill something! Stop apologizing to the world!!! your full of this dramatic "Oh I'm horrible because I dumped a couple guys and stepped on a couple friends feet" shit! And then the "your not in my life so you wouldn't know, but just for your information I'm perfectly fine" shit. Shitty shit shit! Your not fine and I know it, I knew then, and I know it know. My intuition has never failed me. Not once. I don't think it'll start to now.
A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.
But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.
Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.
If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 30 August :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: confused
first, i must tell you, neil and i got in a sort of fight. more like i was yelling at him.
i wont get into it.
but then i couldnt sleep...first cuz i was crying...and cuz i always feel bad for yelling at him...
then i had a dream.
::gets out notebook:: i wrote it down in study hall.
I was with jackie, patrice, jill, sandy and the same guys as a few entries before. We went to dinner and afterwards, visited another school and listened to their band/orchestra play. They were actually really really horrible, but we thought they were okie...maybe it was some circumstance we knew that i didnt actually know. we went to the parking lot and the girls got in the car but the guys decided it was nice and stayed out there so we got out too. we started looking at the stars and they were shooting...but not just straight across.
"Do shooting stars change direction?" I asked, as if no one else could see them (my dream is beginning to sound narrative-like).
After a while, they got boring and we all trotted down to the dock. Two signs saying 'play dog #1' and the corresponding number two on the higher level of the dock. i took the first one out on a leash...he was a happy playful dog. then he started to get growly and i got more cautious. he randomly ran and jumped in the water (we're on a dock, remember) and we were like, "hey we should pull him back"...but it was really casual...until we saw the tail fin of a dolphin (beluga whale; white, small) and the dog tried to bite it. We kicked it into high gear, attempting to pull the dog out of the water. Eventually succeeding, the dog approached me, glaring at me and circled me, growling. i got scared and pulled my arms and legs into my hoodie and woke up shaking uncontrollably at five thirty five in the morning in the same position i was hiding from the dog. i couldnt go back to sleep for a while. i was afraid to close my eyes becasue the dog was going to get me, which, of course, i know is dumb, but my subconscious would catch me everytime i got halfway rested.
yea....thats all really i wanted to say.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 28 August :: 1.46pm
so hello...
today im going to a five year olds birthday party!
last night i had a dream...
i was at some kind of building...and for some reason we were laying on the floor...waiting for something to start i think. and i felt really lonely so i started smelling people...like hul and wender. then i smelled bentons cheek...which was really weird cuz i was smelling everyone elses shoulders. and then i kissed benton, and it felt wonderful...like the loneliness drifted away. and i started hoping no one saw...but kyle hul and wender were all over at the ticket booth asking a question, and although there were more people around me, i only cared what those three thought and so i kissed him again.
::shrugs:: i dont know...
um...let's see...in other news...(can it be news if its not quite new?)
i still miss neil...gee, you needed to hear that to know...ill write another entry about that...
um...yea this was mostly for the dream...
oh yea and im going to give the link to neil...
all the ones i dont want him to read, ill 'friends only'
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mudpiegrl
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2004 27 August :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: radio
gerbilness
my gerbil is dying.
shes got a lazier eye now and her paws were bloody the other day.
she also was really fat and now shes super skinny.
shes gonna die
shes old
::sigh:: i want another pet though...
on a happier note...
my birthday is sunday!
woo!
ill be r-rated and able to stay out late!
yay!!!
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Aaron
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2004 27 August :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: helpless/weak
:: Music: silence
Patrick
I'm leaving for whidbey...I'll miss him....now he's finally gone. My Angel is gone....
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Aaron
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2004 27 August :: 11.44am
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: piggy NIN
My battle...
I tried. i really did...look, laura, just don't come near me. my past...don't tangle yourself with it. I really liked you...it just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I'm not the man I have to be. I'm sorry...I really am...I know i'm horrible and cold. please...stay away from my past. it's just...too much. I have to handle it alone. It's my battle...and it'll either kill me, or make me stronger.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 22 August :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: radio
im talking to the sandy kim and sort of the goli and just talked to the hul-ay!
today i did allstate, as well as yesterday......
PEE-POLE:
angela ames and laura mohs from LHS are in and laura's fun to talk to.
katlin is from resurrection hs in chicago...going to be a junior i believe...i dont know shes cool though.
carmel kid is obviously from carmel, but not jessica harling...he's cool....i understand why carmel's plays arent all that great...in the first place, the plays arent exactly moving around plays so much as im gonna stand....and talk....and not only that....the director thinks her work is incredibly talented making people stand and talk for blocking because "it looks natural". and of course, being a catholic school, funding is not abundant, but even when they have it, they spend it on dumb things....i dont remember examples but anyways....carmel kid is cool
sublime kid...i havent talked to him much but him and his friend.....sublime kid's real name is AJ...they're really funny...they're from naperville
jeremy...hes the first person i talked to that i hadnt known before! he's a sweetheart. he's a real tall black guy (no, im not racist)...and he's awesome...he's from a little town down south i believe...but no southern accent. he's funny too. his school only has about four hundred people in it. oh and he has really soft hair!
the cool bryan....look at this! an actor! we had to do interviewish things...which wasnt that bad, cept it was at nine on the first day...we would have rather gone home but anyway...i talked to him and i dont remember where he goes but he has really really cool hair, like jeremy's but not so soft. but he spells his name with a Y so he's cooler than the brian....which i dont really knwo but eh.
drew and woody (bruce): holy....i dont know...southerners. they're friends from the same school....in rockford....straight west of here (north of chicago)...but yea. and they dont accept my suggestions or anything and it pisses me off! but eh. they're okie i guess.....they dont do a whole lot of talking to me but i got put in a group with just them so ::shrugs::...oh well we're done with our piece so yea. oh and its funny cuz drew calls a hammer a "beater".
jeramiah...wow...thats such an awesome name i love it. there's soemthing sweet, and cool...like calm and relaxing... about it. i dont know...he looks like mushroom...only his hair isnt so shiny, he's skinnier and.....no, no, hes just about as cute.
cool kid with the beard (ben) is a senior just as most people are. his eyes are such a pretty shade of green/hazel...i dont know (i love brown eyes). he has a full beard but its not that long...well okie it is...its not system long...lol. and he has long curly hair...all dirty dirty blonde. but his eyes arent just pretty. they have an attractively kind quality about them...like you could cry on his shoulder really easily and know he cares. that kind of kind. but he's really quiet and funny when he talks. dont remember where hes from either.
pietro...i think thats it...i dont know...its a cool name tho...wonder what nationality it is....anyway..at first i didnt talk to him much cuz usually its relaly hard to talk to deaf people....but its fairly easy....only a few words are difficult to understand...and i had a long convo with him...he's cool....hes just a normal kid...oh god that sounds horrible.....i know i know....but laura (a deaf girl at VHHS) and the one in crew.... they're harder to get along with......mostly cuz they dont talk....i dont know....he's treated well at his school...he was talking about people there. he lives in naperville.
matt...hes the tech director...one of them...he's really easy going and extremely positive but its awesome cuz he tells you what he means and if he doesnt like it, he helps you fix it rather than just being like grr you did it wrong. i had him for my interview and he kept saying fantastic!...he still does that with various encouraging words.
bob is the other TD. hes real rough.....like hes in his seventies and you can tell hes had years of experience. he has good suggestions but hes gonna be an ass closer to the show...you can tell.
anne...we're moving into people i dont like, which thankfully, the list currently has two people on it....anyway...shes not really that bad...shes real hyper but that isnt the thing....shes a cheerleader...or bred that way...she has cheer shorts and ive never actually heard someone say SHUT UP! like they do in princess diaries...but apparently, it happens. shes a valley girl...yea....thats all...and she cant remember my name for shit...and pretends she knows......
casey kid...okie.....just like casey skeens....the way he walks...and talks....and he does the whole shaking hands thing too....he has an ego...and hes like casey. hes also henry ford.
oh and theres this kid that looks like little mike from LHS....and his name's mike...but hes not him. little mike is still popping amps at LHS....as laura told me today.
FOOD
yea its really not that great.
salad: of course yummy, fresh...salad dressing has no spoons!!!
veggie salad: fresh veggies with vinagerette...yummy as well.
pasta: weird ass noodles, ketchup and water sauce, uncooked meatballs.
sandwiches: the meat doesnt like you if you make your own, or if you get the prewrapped, the bread is so tough you have to rip at it with your teeth.
fruit: need i say how yummy little bananas are after craving food? and the valencia (new word for you all-means orange) oranges were yummy and perfect juicy for the ride home and apples are fun for chats after cleaning.
BUILDING
this is what we're there for right...lol
well, the majority of the large pieces are built.
towers: there are six, box on top, box on bottom, flats in between...at least twelve feet tall.
staircases: large and small, they got built....but holy stairs on the big ones! they are gigantic.taller than any at VHHS yet.
platforms: the girl has issues....cuz the rest of her group is guys and dont listen to her common sense, not to mention the fact that shes never built set before. everything has so much detail in wood...would be easier in foam but wood is easier to transport without getting ruined.
gates: these are cool....angela's on them though, along with jeremy....but i dont wanna tell her cuz shes irritating as it is with her i know everything attitude.
bleachers: finally, the project im on. difficult to figure out from the plans, seeing as they're incredibly vague (that how you spell it?) but like a picnic bench....only four of them in stair shape. but we got it to be amazingly stable....which matt was enthusiastic about!
i guess thats it... hm....yes i suppose....its okie...about the same as i thought...im just bummed about not being able to hang out with everyone at theatre fest.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 17 August :: 2.04pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: some radio station
neil
contrary to most other entries about neil, this one is positive.
first, allow me to begin by saying i woke up this morning to a warm, gentle kiss on my forehead.
i opened my eyes to him, who recently, ive been feeling a deeper love for. love is hard to describe, its just this feeling in your heart and you know it. but now its stronger and i like it.
i liked waking up and making breakfast with him. i hope that he is my future because he makes me feel so good. when i cry about my mum or my friends, he holds me and rocks me, comforting me. and when im mad at him, he explains himself and apologizes and no matter what we're disagreeing on, we agree at the end...because we know how to get across what we're trying to say rather than just hoping it'll go away and letting it build up.
i dont want to be too hopeful though. it feels like we have forever when he's leaving only FIVE days from now.
i didnt realise it was so close.
oh, sinking feeling.
oh thats not good. i thought it was further away. in the summer, everything seems so floaty...and dates dont matter...
i think ill go see him...i dont know...
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mudpiegrl
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2004 9 August :: 10.40pm
:: Music: breaking benjamen
went to the race today...mushrooms back...my dad was 13/16 with his team of three, my bro 14/16 when i left...jens babysitting.....cathy's here.....neils in gurnee with the rest of the world.....cathy's here and were gonna go for a walk cuz my mum's being super-bitch again.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 4 August :: 11.16pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Enya
Fucking relaxing bath...
im gonna pop mr. bubble's bubble
set fire to burt's bees hives
shoot dove
put venus in a good fly trap
and rip apart all the water molecules in the universe.
yes.
my bath sucked.
i inhaled bubbles.....and it hurts like fuck in the bronchial tube...
then i got soap in my eye from burt's bees...
the water wouldnt get hot...
the other day i cut myself with the razor
and im cursing dove although its done nothing but run out on me.
not to mention, my brother walked in on me...it wasnt that bad ::shrugs:: although i think i would have preffered someone else...
anyway.
ive been a real basket case this week....i cleaned the whole downstairs
Mood swings like CRAZY!
Attracting the male more
and crazy driving
yup...im not even gonna bother writing about today...its not that intresting to anyone but jen...and she was there...
basically i felt like a little kid all day...
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Aaron
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2004 23 July :: 3.50am
:: Mood: enfuriated
:: Music: Tool
morals
what is he trying to tell me? this doesn't make sence... it's like john said. You have a dragon to fight. go fight it. is this deep rage suppossed to help me? somebody explain to me how the fuck I'm suppossed to do this. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME!!! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!! what am I saying...I'm just and ignorant male...I'm worthless... just whip me...whip me to an inch from death. every day, whip me. because i deserve it. I'll never accomplish this... I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I AM, OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?! i'm fucking sorry... *cries*...i wish i were different. my morals...my fucking morals... they hold me back. like drizzt. he swore he would never kill another drow. now he can't kill drow, no matter how hard he tries. I swore i would die a virgin. now i will. goody. tori was right. i know she was. how can i possibly expect to find a lover if i sacrificed a crucial part of love: intimacy? so fuck it. fuck love. fuck it all. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I HATE YOU KALIE!!!!!! I'll never loved you. i never did. so give it up. i don't know why i did what i did so don't ask. I was once the hunted, but now i'm the hunter. I am the monster now. fear me now. fear me, for i am hatred in it's purest form. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! i...hate...me....-cries-
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Aaron
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2004 23 July :: 2.58am
:: Mood: enfuriated/soothed
Suck and suck like a little parasite. drinking my blood and more flesh goes with every bite.
dear god what have I done...what am I? what is this primal fury I feel? she puts out the fire that burns, and replaces it with the twinkle of stars... look me in the eyes.... you'll know the difference from when she's with me and when she's not.
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