:: 2005 6 April :: 11.42 am

no luck finding a prom dress...

we went everywhere... the night ended with me buying ben and jerrys mint ice cream, renting shall we dance (which the girl at the movie store told me i'd cry... just what i was looking for) and falling asleep with keegan till 5 this morning.

for a shitty day.. it ended really good.
thanks.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 5 April :: 12.32 am

today was a good day.

me and keegan had to work from noon to 3 and from 6 to 8... but inbetween we *get this* went to long lake park and tried to fly the kite his mom bought us.. awww. she bought us a kite... and we brought food and stuff... *that classifys it as a picnic...!* there wasnt much wind though... so we lacked the whole "kite flying" part of it... its all good. then we had to go back to work.. but nobody showed up so Veronica had us go to Sams Club and pick up all the stuff concessions was out of... which was cool.. we got payed to go shopping for her.. woot hoot....

i just got home... we were at micahs house.. aww.. i love micah.
*laughs....

we have to work tomorrow... its cool how Veronica scheduals us at the same time... *giggles..... i've only worked there without keegan once..i think im schedualed with out him once this week too... but other then that she always keeps us together.. which i think is cool.. *smiles.

damn me and my over obsessive use of the astrics.

my legs are SO fricken smooth.. that never happens! lol.

i miss becky. both beckys.... burns and visser. im a little upset with burns though. more like dissapointed. really dissapointed.

i miss dylan too..... *cries.
he's gotta be like one of my best guy friends... well of course.. thats what english incest is all about... is it not! *winks... i love ya.

hmm.. im tired... and my bed is lookin real good over there in that corner... mmmm. if my bed was a person, i would so sleep with it right now.....

*laughs.....

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 1 April :: 6.27 pm

the kenny chesney concery was awesome last night...
my mom and i had so much fun together.

sue and tina were fun.... but lets not go there.. because they both kind of make me sick....

maaaaannn.. it was so good. my voice is a little odd today. .im suprised i even have one! my mom and i both got concert shirts... *loves them.

yeah.. i'll leave it at that.. but it was SOOO good.

im really tired though, and i have to work at lazerskate till midnight tonight.... woot hoot... im comming straight home and going to sleep.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 29 March :: 10.00 pm

he will never be a christian... and that kills me.

whats worse, is i just got the most awful email i could have ever possibly gotten. my hope is gone... he's a lost cause and there's nothing i can do about it.

what a dissapointment.
so now what do i do? i have nobody to talk to about it, alyssa wont call me back, nobodys here. i hate when that happens. i hate feeling alone. but hey.. i've gotten used to it right?

i mean what good am i if i've learned nothing about the thousands of things i've let dwell inside of me? who would i be if i didnt keep things to myself because in the moment of pain im all alone..... WHO would i be if my entire fucking life i hadn't been alone?

he said it himself... he'll do things occasionally he'll regret and then realize they're wrong later. well im so glad i've had the priveledge to be one of them. should i be jumping with joy that im one of his mistakes?

i almost wish nothing would have ever happend, that i never would have met him. not knowing would have been so much easier.

damn it erika, go to bed and stop thinking....
its not healthy.

all will be forgotten by morning... this will just be one more entry i neglect to re-read.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 28 March :: 2.23 pm

yay... we got new carpet.

i need white shoes.... this i have determined.

easter was incredible.. me and keegan spent all day together. my pastor delivered an amazing sermon... im so glad i got to hear it.. i needed to hear it. i've been thinking about alaska alot lately.. and its almost made me cried. i miss the mountains.... more importantly i miss the spiritual growth i got up there. i came home and it disappeared.

i want a coconut fudge granola bar....
i'd also like to learn how to spell.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 25 March :: 4.28 pm

i just talked to ryan... i miss him. awwwww. what a nerk he is... :)

keegan came over this morning.. the INTENTION was to wake me up... sadly that didnt happen.. he took to long... pshhhh, yeah thats right i said it. he had to leave for their talent show practice.

last night we watched secret window... he had never seen it before. i forgot how scary it is! lol... im not kidding.. its scary! im a panzy though.. i dont like blood, witnessing pain, things jumping out at me, or ghosts... that rules out every possible scary movie in the world... i do make exceptions though. johnny movies are ok.. like sleepy hollow... thats gotta be my favorite "scary" movie of all time... its more of a comedy.. te he ha.... yay for johnny.

whats that i hear blasting through my house? Shaniah Twain.. i love her. i think country music is by far my favortie genre.... true story.

kyle.... grrrr, i shouldnt go there.

we're coloring easter eggs tonight.... how exciting..

at the moment we have no living room furniture, or a kitchen table.... we're getting a new living room set tomorrow, and new carpet monday... woohu for us.

i do believe im falling into the process of eventually falling in love... and thats an amazing feeling. i dont believe that two people can fall in love in high school... i mean genuine love.. not just a "i really care about you" love.. because you "love" the person that sits behind you in your classes..... after telling myself once that i was in love, and then realizing that i never was, and that it was all a lie.. i've realized something about myself... i'm extremely critical when it comes that kind of stuff. even in movies if the two main chars. fall in love right off the bat, im like pleeeaaaseee.... but i do think, that if me and keegan stay together for a really long time, and keep developing the way that we are..... it could really blossom into something beautiful... because in truth it already is. mainly because he's such a beautiful pserson. his words speak to me... not just because they're his words.. but because he's such an amazing writer, and to me thats one of the most attractive qualities a guy can have..... im really lucky, not because i have him.. and i should feel honored, because that would be saying i have something i would never deserve.. and everyone deserves to be happy... im lucky because not only do i have somebody to care about, but i've found somebody to genuinly care about me. to genuinly take care of me... to carry me through my weakest moments. when i struggle he lifts me up and when he struggles i lift him up. he doesnt just agree with me.... he has his own opinions. i've never experience that before. somebody with their own mind who will stand up for what they believe in, even if i disagree. he's the person that will point out my imperfections... but he's also the person that will help me work em out... the only time he's impatient with me is when he knows that im right about something.... and its the same for me... we just balance eachother perfectly.. and we've never jumped the gun. for how mature we are, and how close we are..... i admire us for staying true to our morals and not jumping the gun before we're ready for a commitment.. because the way i see it, saying i love you is a commitment that you're supposed to live up to regardless the cost.... and i dont think its very likely that a couple of high schoolers can fulfill that promise to eachother. but thats just my opinion... no offense to all you "love birds" out there... thats just how i feel.... once again.. i could go on forever about how i feel about love, but i'll stop here, smile a few more times... and be on my way.

8 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 22 March :: 1.39 pm

so i have without a doubt the sweetest boyfriend in the whole world.... awwwwww.... how sweet you are! *smiles all huge-like and such

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 22 March :: 9.52 am

the musical went good... except for the whole dilema thursday... but ehh.. its all good now i guess.

i'm really happy the musical is over.. i warmed up to it.. and we had 3 awesome shows.. but it'll be nice to have the extra time back in my day to focus on bringing my grades back from hell.

keegan looks hott today.. he looks hott everyday... but its taking everything i have to not tackle him to the ground and lick his face.... te he.

i got new shoes yesterday... we went to alpine.. we being none other then me and keegan.... that makes for a happy day. one of the nights of the play i went back to keegans house afterwards and we fell asleep... cuz thats just the cool thing to do... and around 2 he was bringing me home (because recently i decided that i hate to drive) and my shoes were no longer by the door. me, being in my tired state, groaned... "lilly" (name of evil adorable dog who i so dearly loved before...) and keegan went to find my cuter than cute pink shoes that no doubt every one has seen me wear because i wear them everyday.. when suddenly from the darkness of his living room i hear an "oh no"... a phrase you never want to hear when cute pink heels are involved. he then brought me one very mauled pink shoe... saying... "it looks like one shoe survived the wrath of lilly"... and that is my sad story.. my sad sad drawn out story..... hense the reason we went shoe shopping.... wait.. no not entirely hense the reason.. oh no it isnt.... i have more.. yes i do........ this time the object in hand is my little black heels.... sooo cute, so innocent... broken. this is true. the heel broke right off... so now (then) i was left with a loss for my two favorite pairs of shoes.. because heaven knows the only thing i wear anymore is heels....... NOW we may continue on with the "hensing".... *clears throat* hense the reason i now have a new pair of black shoes and a new pair of pinks..... OH zsnap... i am just so happy..

that was a very extensive paragraph if i do point out myself...

keegans interview is today... where you may ask.. none other then abercrombie.... ohhhhh yeahhh.. this was not my doing though.. i swear..... really.

next thing you know he'll be wearing make-up.... *evil cackle* *points and laughs*.... i am SO devious.

well i do believe i rambled on about enough pointless ramblings... now i must be on my way....

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 14 March :: 1.52 pm

i'm very sad.....

i have an incredible boyfriend...
but where is my best friend?

i've been meeting with alyssa every wednesday at Schullers to talk because i hate not seeing her as often as i see my other friends. we meet to "do homework" but rarily get any done. then we venture on over to Logans and split chicken fingers and sweet potatoes and giggle relentlessly and come close to crying... i've come to look forward to wednesday nights... and yet i still feel like somethings missing. i think about all the people here in cedar.. and how many people i'm close to.. and still i continue to remain distanced from so many of them. it's only a matter of time till we graduate and go our seperate ways... and at the point, later on in our lives we'll run into eachother, inquire about random basics ie: how long have you been maried, how old are your children, im sorry for your loss.... then we'll continue to go on our ways, only reminising on lost time for mere moments before losing contact for the next x amount of years.

i dont want that to become of us... even though we both know its already happening.



growing up isnt as easy and as painless as people make it out to be.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 10 March :: 10.33 pm

Gaaaawd.

im getting my hair highlighted tomorrow... exciting? suuuuure.
im gonna try and look good tomorrow.. try, keyword.
i'll snag me up a hot korean boy and he'll wisk me away... OH wait, not tomorrow! silly me, i suppose i shall wisk myself away then eh?! ;)

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 10 March :: 7.09 pm

its amazing how we can argue.. and then laugh. i've never experienced a person who just lights me up, even when he IS proving me wrong. we dont fight... and we're so mature. here i was.. thinking that mature relationships don't happen in high school. here i was telling myself that i would never date another person in high school because it wasnt worth it.... and then here he comes, proving me wrong. *shakes head. goofball....:)

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 7 March :: 7.50 pm

i wish i could move far far away. away from cedar, away from our high school.... anywhere. out of state. i hate my life here. i wanna start over, i would give ANYTHING to start over in a new town with new people.

away from my family, or lack there of. we're all falling apart. after my grandpa died, everything changed. i dont have a huge family like i used to. my mom's one of 10, and we dont even have a christmas party. how pathetic is that. the only time our whole family is together is at funerals... there has NEVER been a picture taken of ALL the brothers and sisters. there has NEVER been a complete family picture... i dont even know... it just sucks.

i need mountains, i need something to live for, away from routine. i need to recapture my faith.. that should be my number one priority.. but i just keep pushing it aside, telling myself... "i'll get there eventually"... its not gonna happen that way.

i feel like im drifting away from my best friend, and my mom, and school..... i feel like i've lost all sense of caring about anything. im numb... im just a numb person. and i hate that, but i've gotten used to it. i live for stress. if i dont have a zillion things goin on at once, like i always do... i think i'd lose it. i cant remember when i've been able to just sit down and relax, for like a week straight, with nothing that i have to do. i have so many responsibilites.. and dont get me wrong.. im so thankfull for everything that im a part of... but it gets tiring. i get tired. i AM tired. right now... im so tired. and theres nothing i can do about it. im so stuck.... and it's not gonna change. i know it isnt.

yeah, i have awesome things in my life.. i have an amazing person in my life. and for that im so greatfull, but everything else is still on the back of my mind all the time, i just choose to ignore it most of the time. thats why i hate being alone, i start to think. and sometimes my thoughts scare me, and i'd rather not process things at all.

i have so many things that i want to do. but there are even more that i NEED to do, and yet i dont. i want to do things for me, but its not an option. and even STILL, im no good at prioritizing.

im never good enough, i dont respect her, my grades arent good enough, im not responsible, i listen to bad music, i support the wrong things, i never spend time at home anymore, i never spend time with my sister, i only think of myself... and the list goes on.

TELL me, how am i suppose to deal with everything, when you keep adding stress to my life. im a teenager, im not a little girl anymore. if you're gonna lose your temper with me, then i'll lose mine with you. is it really that hard to comprehend? im 16, and very defensive..... you know this. you OBVIOUSLY know this.... why do you constantly continue to push me. i'll never understand you.

i dont even remember the last time i prayed before going to sleep.

im changing, but im maturing. and at the same time, im not changing. im still sensitive, and shy, and alone. ultimately, im alone. and i think its a fear that shadows my ability to work through my past. to fully forgive him and accept him as a part of my life. im so blessed that he's here, he's finally here. but im so selfish, i dont wanna share him. i dont want anyone to meet him... and i dont want to forgive him.. but i am.. and i hate that. i want to hate him, but i cant. i simply cant. its his personality, and the fact that when i look at him, i see myself. its the most incredible feeling i've ever felt... i cant even explain it. this experience that everyone else has had.. im just now experiencing, but its so different.. there are no standards to put it against.

at least i have a home now... a place to park my car and a place to have my mail forwarded to. at least i have that.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 4 March :: 8.06 pm

i get upset really easily....
am i an awful person? i mean.. is it really easy for people to just not like me? i have my issues.. and i have my problems, but doesnt everybody? and yeah.. i dont like some people either, but gahh.. i try, you know? i try... and im so self concsious.. i hate to think that some bodys mad at me. or that i did something that made somebody look at me the way i look at people i dont like. i hate that feeling.. because i try to dislocate myself from all that drama, and all those people who cause it... which is impossible.. i realize this. but i just feel so above so much of all the stuff that goes around our high school... and to think i used to be ALL in on it. my freshmen year i was so catty.. until i started dating.... hmmm, well thats not the point..... but it took my mind off everything else.. and it was nice. until it wasnt anymore.. then i focused all my attention on my grades... which was also nice, until nice turned to lonely, and lonely turned to.. i dont know, sadness..... but im not sad anymore. my life is looking up. i've got the boyfriend, a house.. im missing the grades. i dont even know what to do anymore. its obvious that ive lost all cause for caring.. which i havent.. but im all down right now.. so me being all sad and such will just say that, realize i was wrong later, retract my statement.. but to save time i'll just awknoledge it now.

i've been so stressed lately.. theres so much going on. its this this this, that that that that.... work, play, red flannel, work, work, school, social life, family, senate, yearbook, work, church.... i just wanna be like STOP... and then everything will. it feels like everythings spinning out of control.. but im a big girl, i can handle it. im not gonna complain and be like "ooooh im gonna kill myself..." because honestly.. are you gonna? and then i think to myself no.. so why would i say that. im sorry.. i just think its really sad when people have to be all dramatic and such.....

and i have way more that i'd like to update, but im talking to my dad... which is one of the most amazing things to say... so im gonna go...

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 3 March :: 7.50 pm
:: Music: Christina Aguilera: Fighter.... woo

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 1 March :: 7.08 pm

who got 4 kenny chesney tickets today?

*points at self...

thats right.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 28 February :: 7.02 pm

my mom is so irrational.

how do you even make any sence of anything they say.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 28 February :: 12.16 pm

im at home.... thought i wouldnt go in cuz it was snowing... thought it'd be a good day... but im all alone. i took an hour and a half bath with the best smelling bubble bath and the best smelling shower stuff... i EVEN lit candles and such, but now im bored. just sitting here. and i wont be able to do anything until the "school day" ends anyway... so now im just behind on even MORE work, sitting here ALONE being BORED overusing the CAP LOCKS key... wishing i would have just gone in during 2nd hour, realiznig that i'll never just "not go in" again.

whatever... gahhhh.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 26 February :: 1.34 pm

I just took the most amazing shower in my LIFE.. .seriously. AMAZING!

i hung out with my mom last night, which was so fun. cuz we're really close, but we havent done anything together in awhile.. so we went to Woodland and got our eyebrows done, and then spent like 75 dollars at Victoria Secret on lotions and stuff like that. they had the most incredible sale, we just went crazy! i got a new scent called romantic wish, i love it. its really flirty and just smells SOO good. i got the entire set, and my mom got the entire set of sweet temptation. they have this sale buy 7 for 35, get one free.. and its anything.. no restrictions.... GAHH, its so wonderful... and THATS why i just took the most amazing shower of my life.. lol.

AND last night we finally ordered me a class ring.. im so excited, we got it from zales. its sooo cool, i cant wait for it to get here! ahhh!

im going to beckys tonight, we're gonna rent johnny movies and make smoothies..... gotta love the old times.

last night i went over to keegans around 10, and we fell asleep together, thats really one of the best feelings in the world.....

i've been listening to Ani DiFranco lately.. she's really good. ya'll should download her. but ok, i guess im gonna get goin.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 21 February :: 11.00 pm

i woke up this morning to keegan standing over me, kissing my forehead... (it was 1:30, so i slept in a little...) i didnt even know he was here.. well, obviously, cuz i was sleeping.. but it was so sweet. awwww *warm fuzzys

im a nerd.

then sadly he had to go to work, then it got cancelled, so he came back to me... and just left... we're just the coolest couple ever.. we are. no fer really.....

OH, and go to his website....
http://inspiringtruth.cjb.net

no really.. its awesome..

ok, im super tired.... night loves.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 21 February :: 12.18 am

sometimes i hate myself.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 20 February :: 10.22 am

last night was fun.

after i got out of work, keegan and alyssa came over, i took a shower (cuz most people like to do that after working in a kitchen for 4 hours) and then we headed over to micahs house. we went down to alpine. went to logans.. well.. 2 of us did.... *shakes head.. fools.... went back to micahs house, watched brown sugar... and me and alyssa walked in at about 2:30..... it was a really fun night. now im getting ready for church.............. woooo. too tired.. dont make me go.. mreh.

the night BEFORE last night... i had to work, but keegan came over afterwards and we rented "Three to Tango"... which HE says is a chick flick.. but it TOTALLY isnt. its got matthew perry in it... has anyone seen it? because it isnt.. we need a third opinion! and anyway.. he left a little after midnight.

the night BEFORE that night danielle spent the night.. we watched the notebook again... THIS time i didnt cry.... i love that girl. (millering) aww.. we have so much fun together. i think we're going to florida over spring break with the national relief... gonna have us some good times im guessing... giggles*

the game friday was awesome... i dont generally get into sports... but that game was pretty "exhilerating"... geeeeze, i make it sound like some sort of sexual experience.. MAYBE it was.... *dun dun dun.

this weekend has flew by WAY to quick...makes me sad.

but yeah... god is calling, i must be on my way.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 17 February :: 7.07 pm

my messenger isnt working.. but im kinda happy it isnt.. i really hate talking to people on that thing.

i've gotta turn in my lazer skate app tonight.. OH, danielle is spending the night... *gets excited... *loves her.

i was supposed to go to micahs meet tonight.. but ended up not being able to make it.... awwwww

i love my room.. i just like to look at it.. alot. esp when its clean.

theres no point to this... im just oddly happy.... like really happy.. lol, i dont know.

aww jenna and jess.. i love you girls, yearbook is the best cuz we can be all girly together and talk about boys and bad people and fun things... lol. *triple hugs... awwwww.

ok, thats enough from me for now....... *loves you all.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 17 February :: 10.09 am

awww.. i know im gonna sound like a broken record.. but LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST!

lol... im so girly sometimes it kills me....

we rented the notebook last night.. and we had a picnic on his bed.. (he has a dvd player in his room).. it was so sweet. i made shrimp dip, and we had grapes and jello cut into little hearts (cuz we're cute like that).... when i got there he had it all set up with a blanket down and roses and everything.... everytime i think we've spent the ideal night together.. it just keeps getting better. the notebook was SO good... you have to rent it.. i cried. then i cried again.. just because i was so happy. i look at him, and i just think wow.. how is he mine? because i dont think many people see him, and i mean REALLY see him.. but thats the best part.... we see eachother.



but anyways.... that was my night. *smiles.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 15 February :: 5.46 am

i have the best boyfriend ever... no really..

that was the most memorable valentines day, and by far then best.

he took me to the olive garden, he bought me butterfingers, and he got me johnny depp..........(SIGNED johnny depp thank you... *smiles really big*)

the best part about the night was being with him.. laughing with him, holding him... the best part about the night WAS him.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 13 February :: 7.45 pm

ok, ive decided not to update in detail about last night.. because nobody cares... as it is so blatantly obvious on this site... and i'll just leave it at it was a blast... and i love my friends.

bahh... i have no desire to update this thing.. *shakes fist at woohu.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 13 February :: 3.38 am

i had more fun tonight then i have EVER at a dance.

i'll update details more tomorrow.. or when i feel like it.... but the basics...

keegan came over.
me, keegan, becky, and alyssa went over to sam ballews (sp* i know).. there were 16 of us.
we all went to applebees.
we went to the dance.
me, micah, keegan, becky and alyssa went bowling on plainfield.
then we went to steak 'n shake... us girls got hit on while micah and keegan were in the bathroom.... te he he.

we just got home a little bit ago. .i think we walked in at about 3:30.

i'll go into detail later... but tonight was the best.



you're perfect for me.. you really really are... and you made tonight perfect..... agrh.. i cant even put words to it... and i hate that.. cuz i REALLY wanna just express to everyone how perfect we are together.. but i cant.. and i want to so bad.. and i want to at least express it to you... but maaaaaaan.... you're amazing.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 7 February :: 9.31 pm

i still dont know what im gonna wear to swirl.. but it really doesnt matter. because im gonna be with keegan, and alyssas going, and beckys going... and its just going to be fun.

i love alyssa... im so glad she comes to things like this... this is her 2nd cedar dance, and i've been to 2 of kent citys dances.... *hugs her.

everyone should meet her this weekend.. you'll love her gaurantee!

aww.. valentines day... and i'll be with keegan, and we'll be together, and it'll be close to perfection, because we experience moments like that alot, together.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 6 February :: 1.27 am

i want to die, my life is awful, im going to kill somebody..
whine.. bitch.. complain.

look at me, i'll confess my desire to take my own life.
oh gawwd, i just love sex and im a whore and will profess it online.
im soo fat, now please tell me that im not because that was probably my intentions in the first place.
fuck fuck fuck.. thats my favorite word, lets make sure to use it incessantly.
i hate everything.
whine whine whine.
i have no friends.



now please feel free to comment.. because thats what it takes isnt it?

pathetic.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..