Think twice, one move could change history.
"every life is different because you passed this way and touched history"
--Poisonwood Bible- Ruth May

You can touch a life, a soul, or even a plant. Every move you make effects some one or something. If you delay the bus to get your baggages on to it, you're might be stopping the bus from a future accident of running a poor and innocent kid over.

hey, you never know.

sometimes my head wants to explode
winds blow.
leaves fall.
seasons change.
our friendship remains.

SUCH A CUTE CARD. I got this card for myself cuz I saw it in A&P and I couldn't help it. I know it's sorta corny but the pictures of pooh on it are adorable. I never really liked pooh bear much, tigger was my preferece, but I couldn't resist this card. dunno why.

My life has become so organized lately. All I do is sit and study now, it's sort of sad but it makes me feel accomplished. No more wasted useless retated times for me. That's it. I'm going to be different from the way I usually am and I'm gonna do well in school this ear. My mom promised me that if I do well in school this year she'll let me go wherever I want for the summer. So I'm psyched. I'm gonna make next summer worthwhile too. I really am. This year is going to be great. I am going to make something of myself. I really am.

I get distracted so easily from what's important but this year I'm not going to let that happen. I'm really not...

This whole summer I was "pshha I don't need a guy.. I'm too good for them anyways" and now I'm "o man he's hot.. I want him" all over again. What am I going to do with myself?? Everytime I see some gorgeous guy who's gotten terribly hot over the summer or something like that my stomach turns over and over again going craaazzy.

Sometimes I feel I don't fit into one place. I'm just right in the middle. My indian friends say I'm too white and my non-indian friends say I'm too indian. WHAT am I?? It's sort of annoying I feel like saying "shut the F up" because I'm not just one thing... I'm Tina! geez.

This school year's going well. I'm enjoying it. I mean there is always bad, but I like it so farr.

last day of summer
AAAAAH!! the long dreaded day is finally here and it's a absolutely beautiful day. The sun is shinning and AAAH!!
I really cannot believe school is starting now, it's as if the summer flew right by us, I remember this time last year I was planning my back to school outfit and was all excited getting my clothes together and all prepared. This year I am the farthest from prepared, I don't have a back-to-school outfit, I haven't finished all my work, and I feel worthless. I did nothing this summer but sit and do nothing. I accomplished about nill shit and I feel as if the summer can't be back can it? There was no long vacation to some distant place, there was no nerd camp... it was just sitting at home. UGGH.

Everyyear I have one part of the year that's my favorite.. and that is finals time. I know, it's the worst time to enjoy because if you're enjoying that means your slacking like a mother on the studying department. And that's just what I do. EVERY year, last year it was before shruti left so we hung out together everyday doing god knows what. That was a fun year. And then this summer, the finals time was the best. I slacked like none other but enjoyed like none other! I felt so great during that time, I finally felt content with myself and the world.. it was great.

Now, it's basically uggh. I look back all the ups and downs from all this time and it's crazy how much a person can change till they finaly become what they are now. I am what I am now. And I can say with full fledged heart that I love myself (not in a conceited way) and the world with a full heart. I am reayd for what hits me and everything that hits me.

This year is gonna be tough because I'm going to try hard and I'm going to accomplish my goald. I'm gonna DO WELL. Anything below an A will not be acceptable. Im gonna make myself proud and I'm going to make my mommy proud.

This year I'm gonna be the stereotypical indian ;)

There's sometimes so much more to a friendship than that meets the eye.
I noticed that you can't judge stuff by what you think. There's so much more then what u assume. True friends are so had to find and when you find them, you know you're right. I thought this one friendship was not really real. But I was just reading this thing between them and I saw, there's so much more to it. It's unbelievable. It's when you see two people and you see how strangely perfect they can be for eachother and how they just go together like peanutbutter and jelly. It's weird yknow, but sometimes you can have a wrong impression of someone and you always are closminded and stick to thta impression. But it never hits you that that person may have learned they're lesson for doing oen thing bad, and they're not the way you thought they were. And all along you were just plain wrong about them. And they're not a usser, or not a person who doesn't value their friends. and in reality they are a good friend. You just never knew that for yourself.

Take a few steps forward... maybe one step backward and don't forget about the walk in the park.
Don't look back too much to your past, you have to continue on with life. That's the way life is. If you always look back, then you miss the present and crush the future. Ever heard of the phrase.. "hold the past, be ready for the future and cherish the present." or SOMETHING like that. I know I got the phrase wrong.. but it's something like that, I'm pretty sure. I was just looking back so much at the past and dreaming and WISHING things were the way before and i realized I'm just messing up the now. Cuz, if all I do is reminensce, what DO I get?? nothing but too much reminescing. PSSSSHA, I do wish things were the way they were at the beginning of the summer, It was SOO much fun during finals times. Just doing EVERYTHING but studying. That was the best thing ever. I noticed, ever year the finals time is always the best.. after that the summer flies by and you don't even know it.

That's just the way things are.

But I have to stop wishing things were like before and just jump into the moment and be a part of the NOW. and make life what it is. Stir alll the friggen ingredients up and make it puuuuurrrfect. I know I can do it. I'm gonna make the rest of the summer WORTHWHILE.

what's the stupidest thing you've ever done?...grow up.
I miss the days when I was younger and blossoming and not caring or thinking twice, and always having someone there to back me up no matter what. Now it's just like "yah.. if I'm in the mood I'll back you up.. otherwise I'm too busy for you." That's the way the world works.. sorta sad isn't it? but, hey it's life.

I kinda wish I was young and naive again, cuz it was so much fun. You thought everyone love you, and you loved everyone and you were just so figgen content then. It felt so good, and you were rarely ever sad or miserable. All you did was laugh and smile and just ENJOY. Now people, are grumpy, sad, attitudy.

I was talking to a few 12/13 year old and they're changed so much since I was 12! when I was 12 I didn't know half the things these kids know now. These kids are crazy, and disrespectfull too. I'd respect a 15 year old! Instead they give me anything BUT respect. OOO lord.

For some reason I really want to go to the mandir.

beauty
Beauty is no quality in itself, it just exists in the mind that contemplates it.

So that means I shouldn't worry about how other people perceive me because there's no way that everyone will feel the same way...they will see what they choose in however way they want. Wait, so that means that I can't just pop this pill here filled with beauty and make everyone love me???

Then, what is this beauty and good?
Fabrications of our mind created for standard and measurement, they figure. Things that are evident and establish themselves in universal patterns, but we cant really touch or see 'em. These things don't really have substantial bases and therefore we need to stop putting so much weight on them.

Why, still then after knowing this, do I attempt to make my hair straight when there are people out there who like wavy hair? Why do I try to stay fit when someone will always think I'm fat?

o man. i'm about to vent. vent a lot. I dunno what to do... vent and have people offended? or keep it inside myself?

I rarely get pissed off, I have a good control over my anger... but .... but ... sometimes u just gotta, LET IT OUT. o man o man o man.

ignorance truly is a sin. When I loved everyone, and didn't get why people could piss other people off I was great. I was the goddess. No one ever pissed me off. I was maaaad messed up. I was like "yah, sure". I was a pushover. But no one pissed me off. EVER. I neevr thought anyone was annoying or bratty or any of those other things girls find pisses them off about people. And those things girls love to gossip about.

I still don't find that as much. It's just sometimes... I can't help but get pissed off. it's natural I know, human nature I know. But I wish I wasn't liek that. I see all the ignorant people and I'm liek "man.. i wish I was liek that." But I know, I can't be, and I'm jealous, cuz I wanna be ignorant! I wanna be retarted maaan.

No, but seriously, I can tlak to a person once, and I get the feel of what they're like. Their personality traits are just like my own sometimes. And that's how I know what they're like. I think out of all my friends, there isn't a single mystery for me. Just cuz I can tell sometimes... when some one's true, when I can click with someon, and when I can't. I can tell when someone tries to be what they're not. And when they're nervous, when they're anxious, what exactly they'll do in certain situations. Cuz people are so easy to lay out. So easy to plan out. An unpredicatable person is so hard to find sometimes. Just cuz no one is really really really unpredictable. People always retrace their footsteps. People always go back to something from the past. People always look back. People always do things they've done before. In essence, everyone's the same.

But everyone's different too.

putting my thinking cap on
i love writing entries that make me think, make me let my feelings get out. But the thing is, I have nothing. Nothing intellectual to write abou,t nothign itneresting. I'm brain dead. I feel so friggen boring right now, cuz I have nothing interestign to write about, nothing interesting to think about and just plain nothing.

it takes just a second for ur preception of someone/something to change. You may think something is the best thing in the world one second... and then the next ur like "woah" and u think that thing is the worst in the world. But life's liek that. Something that seems so small can blow up sooo friggen big. It's just plain unbelieveable.

I've been having too many sleepless nights. I don't know why. I just always have os much to think about. SO much to think about and that may be why. My mind is never really clear. I was thinking about maybe starting yoga or meditating to make my mind clear. That might work, I picked up a yoga booklet and my mom through it in the garbage so i was like...damn.

shitaki mushrooms.

The rain outside is so beautiful. I just want it to keep on raining and raining and just rainon forever.

I want chocolate. I got the worst cramps ever right and that maybe why my mood is so figgen off. I never really get moodswings but i still feel like shit. I dunno what the hell is wrong with me.

Is it weird to not get moodswings when u have ur period? cuz this one girl said it was when I was younger. So one time I acted all bitchy on purpose, so it wouldn't seem weird that I wasn't having moodswings.

yah i sound like a retard.. sorry.

I'm gonna go grab something to eat.

i confuse even myself.
think of all those times. all the past experiances. all the past pains. all the past laughs. all the past greatness. just think.

That's what I did yesterday. I just sat there in my backyard, on the swing and just thought and thought and spaced out. And stared at the sky, the trees, it was absolutely beautiful. And I got this sudden feeling to call people who I haven't talked to in forever. People who I felt myself sperating so intensely from. Peopel who I missed with all my heart. The true people in my life who I had completely lost touch with. It felt so nice. And it makes you think, what happend that seperated you and your friendship? Why do things happen that hit you soo hard that you don't know what to think and what to feel.

I so profusely miss my past, I just want to hit the rewind button. But why dwell on it. Why dwell on the past. I always tell myself not to. But I think, is that actualyl possible? It's natural, people always look back and wish certain things. But I know if I dwell too much I'll hurt myself more. I am trying to develop a cold heart. A non feeling heart. I'm trying to cry so much less. I'm letting go of those times where I let so much hurt me. I'm not going to let myself get hurt. I'm not going to be vulnerable. I'm not....

It's just too hard. I don't know if I can survive. I'm a people person, I feel for people, I love to understand people, I love to get to know people, I love to feel for people. If I become coldhearted I'll never be able to do any of that again. I won't be able to live properly. I won't be able to breath properly. It's so strange. But however much I get hurt, I still put myself i nthe same position as before of becoming equally or worse hurt. Just because along with the hurt, there has been so many good stuff that i still want to be able to experiance. But if I close myself, I'll never get the good stuff again either. And that's why I neevr close myself completely. Though how muhc I try to run away.. I still don't because soemthing pulls me back. I still have to live, still have to experiance.

This one person has always been there to haunt me. Haunt me so much. My opinion of them always changes. And I go through the same phase again and again. I tell myself, "I'm goign to put that person in their place". But I never do. I never have the guts. I'm a coward, a mesely coward. Becasue I'm afraid of losing the person who takes advantage of me. Because I stil lwant all the good things, but I don't want the bad things. And when I have to choose, I choose to get taken advantage of, to get stepped on. I don't know why.

I don't know why.

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me into the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of loosing everything
I've held so dear

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn thier heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

dunno
i have no clue what to write about. My mind is so blank that, I dunno.

It's finaly summer and I dunno what to think. I think I'll write a poem.

Ode To Summer

oh look all the flowers have blossomed outside
and i'm sitting inside
the sun shines in from a little crescent in my room
the only bit of light that shines in


wow, i need help.
how to get unbored... tell me.

I was just on ikea.com. for room decors nice stuff yo. I might go tomorow after the yankee game. It's so sad that they lost today, BY ONE POINT. goddamn. I wish I had gone to the game, I would've been goodluck. But I'm gonna go tomorow and they're gonna win. deffientely. I know it. helll yeah

I feel so lonely =(. with nothing to do, cuz everyone's literarly g o n e. It's sorta sad really. I did so much these past weeks and all of a sudden I'm actually home, with nothing to do. word.

I'm glad not that many people know this woohu, because if they didthey would just know every little crescent of me. I mean, it's not liek they already don't. I'm a pretty open person overall. My own buisness is eevryone's buisness. Most of the stuff about me everyone knows, the only stuff I really don't make public is my family buisness and that's for millions of reasons, but that's besides the point. I am probably one of the least secretive people ever just because I'm an idiot. I never realized that people can use that shit and just hurt you so bad. so bad.

Being different is such a great thing. Everyone being the same would trully be hell. Just walking around seeing vareities of people gives you this sense of learning. You see all the different types of people and you wonder "what are they like around their friends.. their family...what's their life like." It just makes you wonder that if I ever go to know them, would I get along with them? would I be close to them, or would they hate me.

i just accidently deleted the entry about dorina, and now i'm gonna have to scream. Anyways Dorina, I love u to death, and the sooner you come back the better. I hope you have the safest and best trip. and I'm gonna miss you like f u c k.

life is a crazy thing, and planes can be your worst enemy. expecially when planes are the ones that are carrying your loved ones away, far away from you.

i feel so alone.
I just feel so alone tonight. I don't know why. It's like I can't take a single breath without worrying. I can't live. I feel so alone, so desserted... so terrible and so miserable.
I'm sitting here with no one, no one to talk to, no one to listen to my random ramblings. With predominantly no one. And I feel so alone, so desserted.

The people I thought I could call my friends... have just left me alone and the people I just need in my time of need... have left me. I have no one, no one I can call my best friend. No one I can put my full forth trust in. No one who looks at me as a person and cares about me

and I feel so alone.

so cried out.

I can't stop crying, I know crying is bad for you but I can't control it. I just can't. I lvoe everyone equally with an open heart. I just wish I could be close hearted. I wish I could close everyone out and be all alone and just cut all communication to all those people that hurt me so much. Everyone always puts some one in front of me and they can never look at me as havign feeling to maybe.

The problem with me is, is that people assume that "oh she's always be there for me.. why bother with her" and then they take me for granted. But they're right, I really always will be there, and that's my problem. I let people take me for granted.. sooo much. I shouldn't do that. I forgive and forget way to easily. Some one can treat me liek shit one day.. and the next day I brush it off cuz they're so nice to me.

I don't know why i do that.

the thing with me is i stay up late at night because I have so much on my mind that I just can't sleep, can't sleep at all. and I can't sleep untill I get everything out, and if I don't I just...

..can't sleep