[Being To Be]

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[Being To Be]

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:: 2013 7 November :: 8.18pm

i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love

-- e.e. cummings

What do you think?

:: 2013 6 November :: 6.26pm

Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 4 November :: 10.25pm

Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!

What do you think?

:: 2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated

This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.

I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha

It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.

I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.

What do you think?

:: 2013 3 November :: 10.36am

I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.

Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.

What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.

On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated

Most of the time, you just can't win.

What do you think?

:: 2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous

I want to fuck you like an animal.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird

It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..

What do you think?

:: 2013 29 October :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Idol rambling

I find that the last half an hour to an hour at work, I do next to nothing productive. I just think about what I'll do when I get home. And how excited I am to leave finally.

I often think a about the ice cream I have in the freezer, and I get so excited to eat it, and then I get home and I don't. I think I might like the idea of ice cream more than the act of consuming it, particularly when I'm alone. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.

I also fantasize about all the people who must be secretly in love with me. It makes me feel happy and giddy, thinking that someday someone will leave me a secretly love note and it'll be an exciting adventure. And then they don't, and I feel like I'm just a weirdo.

It's so fucking cold outside. I hate when it's frigid and windy. But at least I got to wear a Totoro hat to work today! :3

Love,
Mamelia

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 28 October :: 8.16pm

I'm so torn on how I feel about humans. And consciousness. And interactions between me and others.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 24 October :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: depressed

i've been meaning to write something here for a while. i just have been procrastinating because i hate myself so much.

i have never been good at planning, but lately i've been even worse. i don't even know how i do it. i have like.. no memory what so ever. it's probably because i smoke too much weed, but i just don't think clearly about what my future plans are.

i just hate that i hurt people because i can't fucking figure it out. i ruined 3 weekends with one careless plan slip up.

and people are fucking assholes to me. and i don't feel like i deserve it at all. i feel like i'm doing pretty fucking well and i don't deserve for people to treat me like i'm an asshole.

i hate work. i hate my job. i hate so many things about being in this department. and i feel like it's becoming just my default emotion - hatred. i'm so bitter and cynical and distrusting. i don't fucking trust anyone further than i can throw them. (some people excluded). and i over react emotionally to any slight against me. i have become so sensitive and quick to jump on the opportunity for someone to hate me. its like i enjoy feeling like everyone thinks i'm a fucking creep.

everyone at work? they all think i'm a fucking creep. i have made ONE new friend since i started this position. just one. everyone else? won't even acknowledge me. i haven't even had a meeting with my manager yet, in five months. i just want to scream when i'm there.

i just.. hate today so much. i hate that i am a bad friend, that i'm a bad daughter, that i'm a bad human being. i can't attract anyone to me. i feel so gross, ugly, incompetent, repulsive. i just want to give the fuck up.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 20 October :: 1.45pm

Trying to be reborn, but finding that my disease is too much to overcome.

Maybe someday it will kill me. And this stupid struggle will finally end.

What do you think?

:: 2013 18 October :: 6.14am

Today, I get the outline on my full sleeve :D

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 16 October :: 10.48am
:: Mood: Broken
:: Music: Brand new

Hey hey hey! Mr. Hangman,
Go get your rope

Your daughters weren't careful,
I fear that I am a slippery slope
Now even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right

She won't know...
She won't know...
She won't know...

So pray little Kay, love is just God on a good day.
And you can't blame your mother,
She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake
And I wish that I could tell you right now (...I love you)
But it looks like I won't be around
So you won't know...

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

So believe in me, believe them
You think I'll let you down
Well I won't
They can fire everything they've got
And when you think I'm sunk
I will float on and die
I am fine to put your gun to my life
And know I'm scared it won't fire right

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

You're never going to feel as full as you felt
So let's go outside and we'll play William Tell
Take your time drawing a bead
I'll stand as still as you need
'Cause you're so good at talking smack,
You heart attack
But you're the apple of my eye anyway

My smiling face that's on my head is on a silver plate.

So they say,
They say in heaven
There's no husbands and wives
On the day that I show up
They'll be completely out
Of their forgiveness supplies
And I cant use the telephone
To tell you that I'm dead and gone
So you won't know

You won't know...
You won't know...
Yeah, You won't know...

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 15 October :: 11.26am

Dear Work Motherfuckers:
Fuck you. You won't even acknowledge I exist when I was by, when I say hello or when I need help, but you will fuck with my computer to the point of me needing to reboot it when it unlocked itself. You don't find the need to do this to ANYONE else. And to just make the deal sweeter you do this after a meeting about boosting moral.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASS FACE SHIT FUCKERS.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled sub-human desk lackey.

What do you think?

:: 2013 10 October :: 7.09am

I hate days like this. It's going to be long. And fucking shitty.

What do you think?

:: 2013 8 October :: 1.47pm

The more people I interact with, the more I fucking hate people.

Most of them make my skin crawl. I feel so angry all the time, and frustrated, and hurt... I don't understand people, and I don't think there's anything I can do to change it. They'll remain an enigma for the rest of my life.

If anything, I'd love to not need them like I do. I feel the constant compulsion to interact with others, since I am human and social by nature. I just always feel such a let down, after I get excited that maybe someone out there isn't a complete tool. But I'm always proven wrong. And it's getting hard to deal with.

And this is said with the exclusion of my small social circle, comprised of a handful of close friends who are truly fantastic. I appreciate everything you do for me.

I just feel so depressed sometimes. (Really, almost all the time) it's hard to keep my head above water.

What do you think?

:: 2013 3 October :: 3.36pm

Some days you're the queen of the world.

Others, you're a stinky loser. Today is my stinky loser day.

:(

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 1 October :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: accomplished

Well... Yesterday was fantastic! I got to hang out with lala all day! well, for a long time! And then I got to kick it with Alexz, which was bad ass and I love looking at random stuff. And then delicious food. So much food was had that was tasty.

Then I finally got some attention of the sexual persuasion! It was fantastic, and I believe a repeat is in store for tonight ;)

I wish sex didn't make such a huge difference on my mood and general outlook on life, but it really makes a huge difference. It's just frustrating how difficult it is to get from someone you aren't ashamed of. But this guy is smart, motivated and pretty cute.

Plus he knows how to treat a girl ;) haha

Needless to say, I'm happy.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 30 September :: 12.29pm

Third times a charm..? We'll see how this goes.

What do you think?

:: 2013 26 September :: 3.50pm

Today straight up crushed me. I feel like I barely got anything done. I couldn't focus at all. And we had two worthless meetings where I had to spend an extended amount of time in an uncomfortable position while assholes barked at us telling us to donate money to charities.

I just don't fucking care. About any of this. I'm done! Done. Checking on out of Thursday.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 24 September :: 8.12pm

Shoegaze and a cute boy. Trying not to take things too seriously.

I really need to get laid.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 22 September :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: Not The 1975 :(

The weeknd is always too short and the week is always too long. I hate livng for bye weeknd. I just want to live for the hell of it.

What is this really supposed to be like? What exactly am I doing wrong? If this is really it, thn why is it different for other people?

That's something I have never really understood... I know everyone is just the same as me. But I also know some people get to be a little different. I'm envious of that small variation, where they seem to be luckier than the rest of us.

We aren't in high school anymore, all this shit finally matters. One wrong decision could fuck me over for a very, very long time.

The more I think about 10, 15, 20 years down the road, the less I ever even want to be there. An ever eternal pessimist, I can only see things going down hill from here. The games will never stop, the lies will never cease, the drugs will be our only means of escape.

Life is misery, with scattered showers of happiness, freedom, beauty...

I need a brownie.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 20 September :: 11.52am

My new bed gets here today XD

Extra epic weekend planned!

So much exciting.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2013 18 September :: 10.33pm

Dude.... It's almost January...!!!!!!

What do you think?

:: 2013 18 September :: 7.24pm

8 more weeks of school and I will be done with my AA degree! I feel so proud of myself. It's been difficult working and doing school at the same time - mostly just getting the gumption to do homework after I get done with work.

But soon I'll have more doors open for me because I'll have a degree under my belt. It's disappointing that anymore an AA degree is like having a High School Diploma, but at least it's better than nothing at all.

Now to decide what my next steps are.. Which school to go to..

What do you think?

:: 2013 9 September :: 12.03pm

Pin up is a type of pornography.. That's why they started taking your photos. And that's why you're in your underwear or posing implied nude. And when you are looking full into the camera, it's hard to buy that it's an "artistic" photo.

3 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 7 September :: 9.47pm

I went to the most beautiful wedding today. One that would make anyone believe in love again, at least a little bit. Knowing both of them, and hearing all the testimony, and seeing all the expressions on their faces, listening to them tearfully say their vows. It was just so, so moving.

Most people don't find that. Even if they are looking, they just don't find anything. They met in a mattress store, he stole her number from a form she filled out, and then three years later they are married. I want that for myself. I want that for everyone.

It was just so humbling and awe inspiring. They are want all the love poems are written about.

What do you think?

:: 2013 6 September :: 6.21am
:: Mood: loved

The mornings where Bjorne sits on my lap are always the best mornings <3

What do you think?

:: 2013 5 September :: 9.03pm

watching people do e, makes me want to do it SO BAD.

but in all honesty, i'll probably never do it again. my meds cancel out any effects they may have, and i can't function without them so.. give up a temporary awesomeness for sustainable ok-ness.

the anniversary party is a very depressing movie. i'm having a hard time believing that relationships are worth it. but i also miss having one. but it was shitty too.

meh. more sex is the answer. it always is.

What do you think?

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