xjayk
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2008 11 March :: 9.03pm
I'm excited
New Home soon *crosses fingers*
with this guy
and I'm missing this girl
and my mood right now is...
I know completely random but hey I was bored and this is the product
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xjayk
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2008 4 March :: 4.49pm
NEW CAMERA!!!
YAY
Nikon D40
Yeah bitch!
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xjayk
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2008 3 March :: 10.36pm
The night plays all over again, his ice cold hands caressing my skin in the most foul way, making my stomache turn his diabolical eyes penitrate my soul in a way that's really indescribable, its kind of like staring the devil down. Every act, the way he laughed, my god.
I've been seeing him all over again recently. After we crossed paths at speedway not to long ago, he likes to visit me in my dreams. The sent of him, the way he spoke to me, and the way it was all my fault. The dreams never change, they're always the same.
So...
Lack of sleep = lack of school
Lack of school = lacking in completed work
Which means no good is coming out of this
Otherwise life is starting to work out and I'm dealing with my past, though I'm not sure how quite yet. I dunno *sigh*
I'm in such a shitty mood right now
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xjayk
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2008 26 February :: 5.43pm
Everybody have fun tonight...
So it was Bizzy's Birthday party last night!
"Who's 21? This guy this guy!"
It was amazing went to Logans and Nicko and I got on eachothers level and we all watched Bizz consume as much alcohal as humanly possible. Then off to Broadway Bar, and watched him take flaming shooters, lucky bastard he knew I wanted to do that. Oh well :D
So back to his place and we danced with a few people had fun took pictures and wang-chunged it out! All in all, I was left with a hefty hangover and full of happy thoughts. :D
Today went smooth, kinda. I had a pretty lax day went out and got the guys food and then went out and chilled with Thad for awhile. Theeeen back to school to finish up my day with a fight. Yeah!
I'm hungry, a little sleepy and craving some monster. BUUUT I don't even have money for gas and so I doubt I'm gonna get that anytime soon. Its sad but I think I'll manage somehow. *dramatics*
I need to clean my room. Its a bit dirty and I don't like that all to much. I hate having a man and I stay in the same room. I throw my shit around the room enough for the both of us, he doesn't need to join in. Dumby.
Off to go hunt for an extra dollar so I have 5 for gas.
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xjayk
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2008 21 February :: 10.55pm
I woke up alone, and realizing that even if you were there
I'd still be lonely
Waking up with the smell of coffee and stale cigarettes in an empty room. I never thought revelations would be my downfall.
I lie so I don't have to face what I truely am, and the true issues I am faced with day to day. I've got Samiel on my back and he claws at my flesh but I cover the wonds and if someone were to ask it was a crazy night I don't remember. I'll give you words until I remember what's never happened, and believe it to be true till the day I die. I'm ready to slip into a soft bed of feathers and drift off to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. Not to mension it sounds completely relaxing and just amazing through and through.
I miss taking pictures and dancing in the sunlight without caring about a damn thing. I'm ready to devote my life to myself and growing into myself more and more each day. I know it sounds cliche but I really am working on it. Though I've grown complacent about many things I don't think I'll ever grow tired of bettering myself.
I'll write more later. I'm getting sleepy.
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xjayk
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2008 19 February :: 3.48pm
Thank God For Snowdays
I woke up early this morning to clean house, which is now still not up to my expectations. With all the work I did you'd think it'd be cleaner. Damn. Oh well
So I've come to the conclusion I need a camera. I haven't taken pictures in forever, it sucks. I need money. But I don't get paid that much so I don't have the extra moolah to save, apart from bills and food, and rent. Reality sucks
I wish I could go back to when I was little and believed that if you'd just ask for something you'd get it.
---edit---
All I want to do is get out, run. Run as far away as humanly possible. Run from Holland, run from Michigan, even if it was just for a day. My lifes become less of a paradyme thank god for that but you know I just can't live the same way anymore. I want to pack my bags and drive, pick up some friends and we'll all go. Just drive until we're ready to stop. Find a little place and we'll all just chill. I don't want to care anymore and I'm begining to stop in general.
So I suppose I'll just sit here and watch my Golden Girls and keep dreamin.
So keep on pretending
Our heaven is worth the waiting
Keep on pretending, its alright
So keep on pretending
It will be the end of our craving
Keep on pretending
Its alright
I'm missing that connection, that small feeling that begins to grow and over power ever inch of your body. I'm missing him and its pathetic, but we can all aford to be a little pathetic cant we?
I know I'm jumping all over but that's how my minds going right now and well if no one else can understand this entry, at least I can.
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xjayk
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2008 18 February :: 2.39pm
Gettin' ready for my journey through the terrible white out. Oh bowling alleys and community service. Pfft.
Oh well the things I do for friends right?
No work today...
I'm going to start looking for a new job. I ripped my boss a new one yesterday after she started screaming and touching me, so I chucked stuff across the building and told her what she can do with her pregnant ass. Don't touch me if we aren't friends. Its as simple as that. But I guess I'll talk to my boss - the other day I filed a formal complaint about the other manager so hopefully that'll be in my favor. No one had a good day with her. 5 people were ready to walk out within a half an hour after her arival.
I better finish up getting ready. Wish me luck.
***edit***
So I'm thinking about getting some sort of green prom dress...green anyone?
***edit***
Man I have the worst headache I think I've had in the past three years. It really sucks, school tomorrow and the weather outside is frightful. I don't see much point in going anyways, its always the same shit day after day. I dunno I've just been in such a terrible mood lately I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
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xjayk
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2008 11 February :: 9.58pm
R E S P E C T
Though I feel completely humiliated and disrespected I place that smile across my face like I actually think your funny, like your jokes and your sarcastic humor actually humors me in the slightest. I'm sick of feeling like the bad guy, like I'm the only one that feels this complete distaste for you. I put up with you for one person only and I'm begining to wonder if I should even do it for them. Perhaps I should begin to do things for myself and give the rest of the world the finger in return for their responces. I make myself sick, everytime I look into the mirror and realize how truely fake I am. How fake I can be. I do have respect for you but in return of making myself respect you my insides blacken and a horrible ashy taste settles in my mouth.
These feelings I've truely tried to get over. I've tried to repress them until I can no longer see straight. I'm shaking while writing this knowing that people are going to be reading this and find out how I'm truely truely feeling. Streams of tears are cascading downwards, I hate this feeling, I hate it. I didn't want to feel this way about anyone, ever but I do. I'd love to crawl into a hole until I was sure everyone I knew was gone. Cowardly I know but its so hard for me to face people that I know care for me and I'm revealing my true feelings.
I'm glad I have some friends that I know I can say anything to and even if they were mad at me they'd always be there for me. And for that I truely do appreciate them but it is so so hard for me to say any of this. My heart feels like it stopped beating and I have been holding my breathe, I just realized.
I can't stand to be fake anymore, I really can't.
It can't be healthy.
So if anyones cut from my life don't be all to shocked, though you will be surprised at who it may be. I just can't take the stress anymore. I'm sorry I really am. But in a way I am not. In a way I'd feel more so free. And I'll probably end up losing more than just that one person.
Because friends are like dominos - After you knock one down many tumble down with them.
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xjayk
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2008 7 February :: 9.15pm
I wonder around a small two bedroom apartment looking at the patched holes in the walls and the smoke fog hovering in the middle of the living room. A smile stretches across my face, I see Bizzy crashed out on the couch from the night before. I caught myself standing there remoncing when he woke up and stretched saying "Good morning Hun". I make my voice soft, I can tell when he has a super bad hangover and this morning was one of those days. He reached his hand out for mine and asked me if I enjoyed myself last night and I smiled and said always. This is how we usually start our mornings, that and alot of coffee and cleaning. I laughed when I stepped into the kitchen because the small pyramid that we began setting up was now three feet tall in the middle of the kitchen. It surprised me that only 3 people could create that big of a beer pyramid in that short of a time, but hey I guess when we party we party like rockstars. :D
We watched some t.v and then he had to go back to bed. And then I convinced Stephie that it was time to get ready for work, so about 45 min. later we took off and after dropping her off at work I went home to take a snooze. That snooze lasted until around 6ish, sleeping the day away. When Hilly told me that tomorrow was Friday I was completely amazed.
Thank God for snowdays! :D
Otherwise I would have shown up to school in the clothes I was wearing yesterday and smell like booze and smoke. Yeah, and a little drunk. So yeah, totaly thankful for snowdays! Danny also called me up last night so apparently I wasn't the only one drinkin' but we all knew that we wouldn't have school - I heard the principal say we weren't gonna have any. So I made sure Danny knew this morning at 7 o'clock that school was cancelled. I'm surprised he could understand me through the slurs. I'm not a good morning person to begin with so a drunk morning person, totaly not a good conversationalist ( did I make that word up?) but hey it works. :D
Yeah so that is my update on the life of Alicia. By the way I'm scared to death of driving to Rockford tomorrow, if anyone knows how the roads are doing, like highway wise I'd love to know. Even if your just telling me Rockford road crap I'd really really like to hear it.
Thanks yall
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xjayk
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2008 5 February :: 9.44pm
I love You - But I'm Not In Love With You
He spoke the words loud, they echoed through my mind yet it didn't hurt. I didn't feel the loss of 3 years and a lost child, it was just words now. Words that I knew should have been spoken a long time ago. A broken engagement, a broken promise, a broken heart, a broken future. I suffered for about five minutes, and then just went to bed, with him sleeping quietly next to me. I remember the day I met him and laughing, I remember the day I told him he was my only one, that he would be the only one. It's funny how memories are like sand you can hold it in your hands but then eventually it blows away or drops back onto the beach, only a few specks remain glued to your hands, in the creases where its hard even for you to get them out.
I find myself interested in other people, but knowing that I cannot obtain them, its something that I've learned to do, to settle for who I think I can get that will be good for me. My heart will mend and is mending as we speak. Though words did not affect me the past 1 1/2 years have. I'm learning to love myself again and find that I have things that I'm actually interested in.
And I'm also realizing right now that my allergy to dust is far more worse than I thought.
So I look upon the person that I'm now attracted to and wonder if I'm ready and if I know I'm worth it.
He's wonderful, a little uptight, a little intimidating if you don't know him like I do, and a little bit like everything I've ever looked for in a guy.
Wow
I totally don't know if I'm ready to find this guy, but hey he found me, litteraly he told me that he wanted to join my school and worked his ass off to get in there. And now he is. :D
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xjayk
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2008 31 January :: 5.43pm
Worst Day Ever
Today started out just fine.
Danny and I ran out early to get some breakfast before school, but we only ended up getting coffee and orange juice due to his hangover. We cruised around town for awhile until school started.
In first hour I joked around with some random guy that was sittning next to me because he had 'sexual relations' with a very very very hideous girl...Seriously she's a monsterous woman.
Second hour I zoned out listening to Kirsten and Danny go on and on about crazy memories
Third hour I watched a really cool movie in science
Then work.....
I worked for 4 hours and then only made 8cents because of my stealing boss. She'd been caught before stealing tips but I was ignorant and didn't think she'd do it to me.
Drove part of the way home and realized that I left my bag at work
Dropped off my car at the shop and then dropped my phone in a snowbank and didn't realize it until I was over two miles away
Realized that my ATM card and License annnd my SScard was missing
Called Macatawa bank to see if any transactions were made
(only the one I made this morning)
Cancelled my card
Sobbed out of anger
Then I asked my dad why God keeps shitting on me, I don't like it.
He hates me
God Hates Me
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xjayk
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2008 25 January :: 11.08pm
Everyone Lend Me Your Ears!
I know I want to go platnium blonde, but I'm not sure, undertones, one streak? I don't know. I'm going to the salon tomorrow to talk to my stylist about it but I want my friends input. I've never actually had blonde or white and I've been wanting it for a long ass time now. So I guess I'm open to anyones suggestions, I'm totaly ready for somethin' crazy.
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xjayk
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2008 24 January :: 12.41am
I'm begining to come to terms with myself. I've learned last year that no one can live a perfect life, but its a life non the less and I intend on making the best of it. I've also come to terms with the fact I am a drug addict and that I cannot change over night. I've been sleeping my days away lately to keep myself from self destructing but I honestly think I just need to get out of the damn house. I work I come home, wait up for Thaddeus, we go to bed, I wake up in the morning, crawl over Thaddeus, get ready, go to school, come home, sleep, get ready, kiss Thaddeus goodbye, go to work. It goes on like that now everyday. I think I'm just making myself go crazy with these planned days, damn OCD. If one thing isn't in order I flip, but I'm in a way an oxymoron because I can't stand rituals. So tomorrow and Friday I mixing life up with a party to relieve some stress.
I've been reliving some terrible memories this past week that I had hoped I repressed last year but I guess its something I need to learn to deal with day to day now. It's sad that I put myself into positions like I have. I haven't made the wisest desitions in my life but I can only hope that I will learn from my mistakes.
On a good note, I'm getting a HOUSE! That's right me Alicia Marie Winningham the 1st is getting a house with Thaddeus John Gamez! WOOO! We'll be moving in as soon as we find one. Hahaha. Nah Thad's living with me right now until we find a house. Of course he had to have bad credit. Stupid mexican. You gotta love him though. I'm so excited, awww man I just thought about the fact I don't have a car.... I was about to get a 68 mustang coupe for 2g's but then I called on it a day to late and it was sold. Sad really it was candy apple red and had leather interior. I am really going to miss that car. That car I never really got to drive...Okay so I wont miss it that much but I'll miss the idea of maybe being able to own a car like that, or maybe even being able to drive it. You know I can drive it 'cause I have a license. That's right, I know your jelous. Get over yourself and just be happy for me would ya?
Man I'm having mood swings.
Lets see....
So ugh Valentines day is coming up soon...
Yeah.....
Don't like that day....
Thaddeus's head isn't screwed on all the way so he forgets things easily.
I really like the idea of it all though...
I also like flowers...
Man I'm thirsty.
I need a drink
There's banging in the kitchen and I'm the only one home....I'm such a puss. :(
A thirsty puss....
Wish me luck I'm going into the haunted kitchen *goulish noises*
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