:: 2004 17 July :: 12.01 am

I'm about to admit how truly pathetic I am.

This whole week I have left the house 3 times. On Monday I went to see Spider-man 2 and walked around the mall. Tuesday I went to get ice cream with my sister. Today I went to get Jamba juice for lunch. The rest of the time I sit at home watching T.V and once in a while I get off my lazy ass to exercise...rarely. Good thing is I'm not gaining weight. Mostly because I dont get hungry when I'm being lazy so I dont eat a shit load. If I ate whatever I wanted I'd be at least 140 by now. Instead I remain a little below or at 125. I'm happy with that.

This staying home alone all the time is making me depressed. I sat on the threshold of my front door with my dog on Wed. and I almost cried. I wasnt PMSing or anything. I just wanted to cry. My dog comforts me and Jennifer calls a lot so then I have somebody to talk to. She is pathetic along with me but she has a sister and brother at home so she is not as bad. I feel like I complain a lot when I talk to her.

I GOT TO GO! GIANTS ARE ON FINALLY. My dad went to the bad side. He told me to leave Dr. Phil on even when the Giants got back from the Rain Delay.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 9 July :: 12.51 am

i'm in a reflective mood...
HI DUDES. My life sucks but I'll try not to complain too much right now.

I saw "The Notebook" last night. OO Ryan Gosling is hot. I really liked the movie. It was so cute and sad. The love story was perfect and it was funny. This may sound weird but I think that he looked better when he was in the kissing scenes. They make out a lot... He's so dedicated to her and it makes me so stinking happy. I wish that it could happen in real life..the perfect love story where its tragic and just when you've given up your last hope that they will love eachother it surprises you. So they end up marrying eachother and having kids and stuff. They do the movie in flashbacks though so it sorta took some greatness out of the end. At the very end they die together in some sort of rest home thing that the lady had to go to cause she was really sick with a disease that makes you forget..not alzheimers..it began with an "N" I think. The last thing she says to him is " Do you think our love could take us away together?" he says "Yea. I'll see you later" or something like that. It was so sweet. Then they said goodnight and went to sleep never to wake up again. GOD! ITS SO FUCKING SWEET. He loved her even when she could only remember him sometimes. That movie makes me want to go back to ther 40's and live then. I would rather live in 1940's California or Boston than 90's/00 California. I guess maybe thats why I'd rather live in England, Scotland, or Ireland. To get away from the shitiness that our country is turning into. It seems simpler there and it rains a shitload more.

I was looking Ireland in the rain pictures again tonight. I found this page with Irish weather on it. Everyday it has "showers" written somewhere in the description of what it will be like. Also it has "partly cloudy" or "thunderstorms" or "wind" sometimes with the addition "heavy" in front of wind. I WILL GO! So pretty...Then I will explore the country side. Call this stupid or whatever you want but one of my dreams is to roll down one of those big fat green hills in Ireland. Then when I get to the bottom have it rain and run around squeeling with delight as I get completely soaked. After that when I'm practically frozen I could go into a cool little cafe type place and drink Irish coffee. Makes me happy just thinking about it...

Really quick: I think my house is haunted or something. Last night I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and the door opened on its own. So I shut it and went back to brushing my teeth. About 30 seconds later it opened it again. Just before I remembered from "Haunted Hotels" that sometimes ghosts will open doors and stuff. So that really freaked me out and I couldn't go to sleep for a long time.

Bye.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 6 July :: 7.18 pm

OO LOOK! A SURVEY I TOOK FROM JESSICA!
LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Marilyn
Birth date: 5/21/90
Birth place: California in a hospital

Current Location: Bay Area, CA
Eye Color: greenish brown but not like poop.
Hair Color: brown

Righty or Lefty: lefty.
Zodiac Sign: Gemini

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Italian, Irish, Scotish, French,slightly English.
Shoes you wore today: tennis shoes and flip flops

Your weakness: NOTHING! I AM PERFECT. jk fools. i dunno. math. i'm bad at math

Your fears: suffocating. mosquitoe hawks.
Your perfect pizza: pepparoni, peppers, onions. oo yummy. sounds weird but its not
Goal you'd like to achieve: go to college in england.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase on messenger: lol, yay, ooo

Your thoughts first waking up: why do they have to cook bacon?
Your best physical feature: eyes
Your bedtime: whenever. usually around 11:30
Your most missed memory: playing in the sand at manchester beach with richard

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Coke especially diet
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or group dates: no clue.
Adidas or Nike: adidas
Lipton Tea or Nestea: neither
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: they are both nasty

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: OH GOD NO!

Cuss: yuppers. a poop load
Single: of course

Take a shower: why kind of question is that? of course i do.
Have a crush(es): oo yes
Think you've been in love: nuh uh
Like(d) high school: dunno yet..
Want to get married: yea. not like it'll happen though..
Believe in yourself: somewhat

Get motion sickness: not usually
Think you're attractive: no
Think you're a health freak: no. i like to go to bed with wet hair in the winter
Get along with your parents: i guess...they piss me off a lot.
Like thunderstorms: i dont really care. they're all right
Play an instrument: no, but hopefully i'll start bag pipes soon.


LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: tried some whiskey only after my mom said it was ok
Gone on a date: nope
Been Kissed: yea right.
Gone to the mall: yea

Eaten an entire box of Oreos: sick. no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: no
Dyed your hair: nopers. mom wont let me
Stolen anything: stole a car last week but i try not to make a habit out of it

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Changed who you were to fit in: yea
Age you hope to be married: sometime in my 20's or early 30's
Numbers of Children: 4ish give or take one

Describe your dream wedding: in a really pretty spot out side when it is completely cloudy all my sisters as brides maid.
How do you want to die: anything but suffocation or being cut up
What do you want to be when you grow up: dont know yet. i'm embarrassed to put what i've been thinking about

What country would you most like to visit: England, Ireland, Scotland.

LAYER EIGHT: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: not completely brown
Best hair color?: dont care
Short or long hair: short. or at least not passed the ears
Height: at least 6 feet
Best first date location: no idea
Articles of clothing: NO ABERCROMBIE!

Best first kiss location: wherever.

LAYER NINE: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: 5ish
Number of CD's I own: uh.....10? i dunno
Number of piercings: 2 foo
Number of tattoos: none fool
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: none
Number of scars on my body: a shit load of little ones
Number of things in my past that I regret: 24544 i dunno. a lot

2 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 30 June :: 3.47 pm

HOWDY FOOLIOS! I went to Tahoe on Friday. It was fun. Well...most of it. My cousins came with us and they annoyed the shit out of me. They are whiney, bratty, spoiled, and out of control. Brian is the worst. He has ADHD so that explains some of it but the medication he is on is supposed to help. It doesnt. He has soo much energy.

Well I dont feel like talking about them. Instead I will talk about the Bobby-look-alike. The first night we were there the people in the site next to us were 2 grandparents and 3 grandsons. The oldest grandson looked like Bobby, a kid in my class except he was hotter. So all night I kept trying to spy on him and stuff. I was on Jessicas bed and everyone was telling ghost stories in the back of the motor home. So I push the curtains to the side and looked into their window. He was inside with his shirt off. OO he was so tan. He was getting into the bed and his brother was by the window. I guess the hot one saw me and he said something to his brother and then his brother shut the curtain. I was so embarrassed.

The rest of the trip was pretty good. I dont feel like writing all about it. Lake Tahoe is so beautiful at sunset. Jessica and I almost got attacked by a bat. It was cool. I saw someone from my softball team there. Makes me realize that it really is a small world. Or at least a small state.

Sarah has a new boyfriend. STUPIDASS! Hes scottish.

I'm bored and this is pissing me off. bye

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 25 June :: 12.09 am

random stuff
Today I was reading Rolling Stone magazine and there is this article in there about Jim Morrison. It's really sad. So I got on the internet tonight and I started to research him. I thought that because he was a rocker guy that he wouldn't be very intelligent. Turns out that man was extremely bright. I was reading a page of quotes and he spoke at such a high level that it really surprised me. I bet he was a genius.

Enough about him. Now I'm going to talk about my sister. I miss Monica. I really wish I could see her more often and have that sister bond we once had. Its all gone now. Her related family has been removed from her life and in our place she has put James' family. I'm sad... Maybe someday she'll come back. I hope so.

AH! I HAVE TO PACK FOR TAHOE..I DONT WANNA. BYE

Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 21 June :: 2.38 pm

fathers day...
Yesterday sucked really bad. In the morning my mom felt the lump on my dogs shoulder. She had it removed sometime late last year or in the beginning of this year. It has started to grow back and my mom said that if it starts to affect her walking again we will have to put her to sleep. I really dont want her to die. Shes got a lot of life left in her.

My sister. This time its Monica. She called yesterday morning with her cheery "HELLO!" and I said "hi." Then I cut her off in the middle of another excuse and said "Monica, you disgust me" then she said rather disgusted "I disgust you?" and i said "Yes, I hope you know that dad was crying yesterday because you're not coming to dinner on fathers day." then she lied. "He never invited me to dinner, Marilyn" then I said "YES HE DID! I was sitting right there I heard him. You better talk to someone else right now cause I'm really mad." Then I gave the phone to my other sister who was listening. Monica is a bitch. She has not come to dinner since......I don't even remember. On all the holidays she visits for an hour and then leaves. We might as well not be related. I don't feel like her sister and if she died I highly doubt I'd cry too much. I'm going to tell her to not bother giving me the present she has planned for my graduation/birthday/confirmation. I really do love her but sometimes I wonder if she loves us. She treats her own family like shit. She adores James' family. I think he has brainwashed her. Mary keeps hoping that they will have kids but even if they do James probably won't allow her to show the baby to us. I bet the first time I'll see it is when it is a few months old.

In effort to make my dad feel better we were at target trying to find a movie or c.d or book..anything that he would like. I came across this book called "Why a daughter needs a dad" When I got home I gave the book to him and hugged him. He started to read it and he nearly started to cry again. (Lately my dad has been more emotional because of medication hes taking to help him quit smoking) The rest of the day we watched the Giants vs. Boston game and being the kiss up that I sometimes am I sat next to him on the couch and he gave me a hug. If only I could have been Monica.

That night I was watching Cider House Rules. That movie is so depressing. I cried within the first 10 minutes then several other times. I was flipping between that and a silent film from 1930. It was really scary because they guy looked like his eyes were just white. Also in the movie there was this woman who was naked and she was running around her room and flopping herself on the bed. Then it showed that she was saying "O! Basil. Where is my Basil" (Basil is someone that got killed) Luckily they only showed her top half. If you think that it is nasty that I watched that scene then would like to remind you that I could easily say the same the next time you look at the classic work of a famous artist who painted nude people. The movie was art.

Anyway..I decided to go to bed at 11:00ish because I heard my dad call the dogs so I thought he was going to go to bed soon as well. When I got into my bed I started to worry about Sheva and then I ended up crying for close to half an hour. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Mr. Vanes death and I stupidly reminded myself of that. I thought about that time he got mad at me for getting the detention and then I "told" him that I didn't get any this year and that it was because I didn't want to dissapoint him. It was true. When I think of him I am always reminded of Aunt Marie and then that always reminds me of Grandpa Coyote. So it was a long chain of memories causing my eyes to remain tearful for a long time. I thought I was over their deaths....

Bye

3 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 17 June :: 7.44 pm

These past few extremly boring days have allowed me a lot of time to think about things that I just tried to avoid the past school year. My friends. I have thought an awful lot about them as a way to pass time in the beginning but now as a way to figure out who I really will become. I have thought about how they affect me and make me into who I am. I realized that a strong part of me wants to be popular. I can't help but caring about others opinions of me. Part of that is because for so many years I was picked on by different people but mostly Shawn. At home I received a great deal of criticism from my sisters and I always tried my best to impress them even if that meant not doing a lot of what normal kids do. I was ashamed to play dolls in kindergarten because none of them did it. I would hide my dolls if they came in the room and pretend like I was doing something else. Now the most judgemental sister I have, Mary, tells me that I shouldn't care what people think about me. She is one of the main reasons I do.

I also thought about leadership. I think that I am in a way a leader. Mostly around those with whom I am comfortable. Maybe one of the reasons Stephanie hates me so much is because I wasn't shy about telling her how I felt/feel about the way she acts and dresses. I woudn't follow her like Sarah and worst of all I said something about it. I know that Louise and Jessica and Lynn didn't approve but they didn't react the way I did. I guess I am too passionate about what I believe....at least when it comes to stuff like that. That might get me into trouble when I'm older. I don't want to sound like a goody goody whos never done anything bad or stuff like that. I'm not. I never will be. Sorry if it comes off that way.

In highschool I think I need to come out of my "shell". I'm tired of it. I need something new and better. No more stupid fights about guys and no more silent treatment. I hated everything about last year that involved Stephanie and Sarah. I mean..there were a few good things but the bad ones drowned the good ones out. Next year will be better..i hope. Then I think what if its not? Then what? I will go through 4 boring years of highschool then be forced to go to some college I dont want to go to. My sister is already telling me that I'm going to go to a UC. I dont wanna go to a fucking U.C. I told her once that I want to go to a college in England. Nobody believes me... Nobody believes that I can do it. So if I ever say that and the reaction is "Oh yeah. Sure, Marilyn.." then I say "Yeah I know. I'm kidding. I wont go anyway because I'll be scared" then I brush it off and pretend like it didn't hurt my feeling even though it did. Maureen is really good and making me feel stupid. I once told her and I made sure she knew I was serious but then she said "Mom and Dad will never be able to afford that. They can't even afford a house." I realized then that it I was going to make to England even on a vacation it would have to be all on me. My parents were furious about paying for my sister's trip to spain. Do I honestly think they'd go for college in England? My dad hates England anyway. He kill me I told him about my plans. He'd probly disown me if I actually went. I've heard many stories of people that use the lack of support from their families to drive them to get what they want. Trying to prove it not only to themselves but to their families as well that they could do it. That is already working for me. I have over $400 saved in the bank since Christmas and I don't even have a job. When I get one I will put as much money away as I can and with luck I will make my way to England. Its such a far fetched dream but its not far enough. I will make it. I don't care what I have to do.

FUCK EVERYTHING. I'VE HAD TO MUCH TIME TO THINK AND ITS RUINING MY BRAIN. I guess I'll go watch T.V or cry or something.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.42 pm

my boring summer..
HELLO! I try to sound enthusiastic in order to hide the boredom that has filled my pathetic summer. I have done few things that are interesting. The past 3 days of vacation have consisted of sitting on the couch watching t.v. Then sometimes I go into the other room and see whos on the internet. After that I wander upstairs and get out of my pajamas. Followed by that is the hygene stuff: brushing hair and teeth etc.. Sometimes I walk around the house singing loudly or I pet the dog and talk to him or her depending which dog. The rest of the time is divided between the T.V, chores, and computer. SEE HOW BORING IT IS?! I haven't been out of the house since going to church on Sunday.

MY SISTER IS DRIVING ME UP THE WALL! TRYING TO MAKE ME EAT NASTY FRUIT SALAD THAT IS FROM SATURDAY. IF YOU CARE ABOUT THIS COMMENT ON IT. I'M TOO LAZY TO EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW.

byester

4 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 14 June :: 3.37 pm

HALLO! This Sunday and Monday were really cool. My mom and I went to that Ronald Reagan thing and I got walk around it. It was really sad. My mom woke me up at 5 am and we got there at about 6:15 or 6:20. We got in the front of the line so we were on the 3rd bus going to it.

The line really sucked. We stood for about 4 1/2 hours but luckily there was a man behind us with a chair and there was a curb. Some guy asked us to go on T.V for Fox 11 in Los Angeles. Then right after that a guy from KRON, a local station, noticed where we said we were from and asked us to talk with him. So we got to talk to him and he said that might use it but they didnt..at least thats what my dad said.

So when we got in there it was very sad. The honor guard was so depressing. They were so stiff and just staring at the casket. We walked around it and even though you couldn't see him it was like he was there and you felt it. After all that was his favorite place. As we were leaving many people who were talking happily quieted down and you could see on there faces the sudden saddness that came over everyone. Over all it was deffinately worth the long and tiring wait next to the annoying lady obsessed with medical stuff.

We came home that night. On our way we passed by a really big fire just off 101. It was cool and scary because it was really close to the highway. There was a helicopter flying from the ocean to the fire dumping its water and repeating the process several times before we got past it. It took us about 20 minutes to drive a mile or maybe less because they had closed down a lane of traffic. The rest of the trip was pretty boring because all that was on the radio was Deliah.

Skipping to Friday. Friday I woke up and watched Ronald Reagans depressing funeral on T.V. Some of the speaches made me cry. After that Louise came over so we could wait for Jessica to pick us up to go to San Francisco.

San Francisco was fun. We went to Baker Beach and on that lovely sunny day several men and maybe 2 women decided to sunbathe....naked. Not so beautiful but I guess its just nature.

That evening/night we went to Saks and Borders. I got the Nicholas Nickleby soundtrack. BEAUTIFUL I SAY. In Saks I felt like the people were staring at us because they think we arent good enough to go into their store. Not much to say for the rest of the night. The sunset was pretty. There was a guy who was yelling "shit" and "fuck" and other words that I couldnt understand.

The next day was extremely tiring. I didn't get much sleep because I didn't have 2 pillows or my earplugs which would have been very nice so I could tune out the people's T.V in the next room. Also I didn't feel very good. So in the morning we ate so much breakfast then wandered around the Ferry Building and then we went through China Town, and to Golden Gate park. By the end of the day I was exhausted.

When I got home it was my sisters graduation from college party. Louise got picked up from my house and the guests started to arrive. I went up to take a shower and then came back down. A guy I hadn't seen in like 3 years was there. Justin. Last time I saw him he was a lot shorter and in 6th grade. Now hes huge and going to be a Sophomore next year. Not huge as in fat. He must have grown at least a foot. He's still not very hot but his voice is and so arms. They are really strong looking and very tan. Nothing good happened after that. I went to bed at midnight because my sisters friends wouldnt go home.

Sunday..Woke up at 10 to go to church. Then did nothing pretty much all day. It was fun.
I'M BORED! GOOD BYE ALL YOU WONDERFUL READERS THAT READ THIS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO COMMENT ON THEIRS! I will miss you all.

2 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 5 June :: 11.42 pm
:: Mood: sad/angry/happy

I'M BACK! For over a week the internet on this computer was all messed up and it wouldn't go to any websites. Thats over so you anyone who looks at this gets to see more lovely entries. I'm sure you love them. Who wouldn't? After all..I wrote them. I'm kidding fools.

This week was a very interesting week. Wednesday was dinner dance. Everyone in the 8th grade gets dressed up and goes to the gym for dinner and some depressing stuff then dancing. It was really sad. They made a movie thing of our trip to Yosemite. I really want to go back cause of how good it was. Kyle got to hold onto my shoulders when we were all blindfolded. We had some good times. He probably didn't like them as much as me and has probably forgotten about them because he doesnt care about me. I will never forget them. AH! I WANNA HUG HIM! NOW I WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE! Then there was a slide show of pictures of all of us. They showed us with our parents, when we were in kindergarten and i think 2nd grade or one of the younger ones. Then they showed our graduation picture. The rest of the pictures were just random ones people turned in. I really wish I gave one of Louise and I on the first day of first grade. It was so cute. She looked all girly and perfect with long hair that was brushed and her hands folded in front of her. Then I have a bruise on my knee, a mushroom cut, and I am smiling sort of weird. I looked like a boy....with a skirt on. The rest of the night we were dancing. The swing dancing was the best cause nobody has a clue how do it.

Thursday was our trip to Great America. In the morning Louise, Jennifer, and I went in this water thing in the kids area. We got completely wet and remained wet the rest of the day. It was fun anyway. OOO! KYLE GOT WET! OMG! He was walking around with his shirt off and in his swim trunks. He looked so hot. All tan and so skinny and perfect. He has muscle but its not apparent. Hes just skinny so it looks good. Then he had to put on his red cross shirt. Thats ok. He looked hot in that too. Only thing that was bad about that was he did it before Jessica could get a picture of him without it on. GOD HE LOOKED SO HOT!

Later about an hour before we had to leave we went on Top Gun. There was a kid in front of us who was probably in 6th grade or possibly 5th. He was holding a girls hand whos fat. I'm going to go with the theory that he is not superficial and really likes her for who she is on the inside. HE WAS SO CUTE! I mean really cute. He had blonde hair and was really pasty white. ENGLISH PERHAPS! I'd have to say hes more likely Russian or something like that though. I was right behind him on the ride. When it was going I kept feeling water hit my face and I thought he was spitting or drooling or something but it turns out his hair was wet. THANK GOD! He was talking to us and apologizing after but I couldn't see who it was so I didn't respond but Jessica did. SHE ALWAYS GETS TO TALK WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE! POOP! YES, I AM JEALOUS. We saw him again at the front gate and then tried to take as many pictures of him as we could without him noticing. It worked..sorta. They probly suck. Oh well.

Graduation!SAD DEPRESSING SHIT! The award ceremony in the morning was very sad. When our buddies came up the aisle to give us a flower was very very sad. I sad right in the front and most of the 1st graders went past me..some of them were crying. They were so cute.

The evening ceremony was good. When we were in line waiting to go into the church my dad came over to take some pictures. It was embarrassing cause Kyle was behind me and him, Troy, and Steven were all watching. I dunno what my dad said but Kyle said "Your dads cool." I think he was being sarcastic but I'll pretend he wasnt.

I got an award. It was for being dedicated and working in the parish office so much. It was really easy work and I did a lot of it so I deffinately deserved it. Sorry for being a bit conceited. The mass was very long but it was worth it. I almost cried like 5 times. After it was done everyone took lots of pictures and blah blah blah. I will never see Kyle again. IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED. Oh yes and I must say that Bobby looks so much better when he gets his hair cut. In fact he kind of looked...handsome? Not hot. Well maybe. I'm not sure. He looked good. I saw Jimmy and Seth at a restaraunt after. Their moms were making so much noise.

Today I went with my sister to the mall and to get me a haircut. Its really short and my hair grows slowly. I look like a boy when its wet but when its dry I look alright. I'm just not used to it so I feel so weird. *IT IS MAYBE..A HALF INCH PASSED MY EARS*

WELL THAT CONCLUDES THIS WEEKS SUMMARY. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND SAY ANYTHING YOU LIKE ABOUT MY REALLY SHORT HAIR. GOOD BYE ALL!

3 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 27 May :: 9.59 pm

HELLO THERE! I have a lot of stuff I wanna write so I'll just get straight into it and shorten it probably a lot.

Yesterday sucked. Stephanie is mad at me yet again. I wrote about how I told Bobby a bunch of stuff that Stephanie does on the internet. He let it spill out of his flapping mouth that can't keep one thing quiet. Anyway she is mad at me for like the thousandth time this school year. I dont care though..at all. She, Lynn, and Sarah weren't talking to me. She actually was first mad on Tuesday. My mom took Sarah and me to Lunardi's after school the one day I really don't wanna talk to her. The only words we said to eachother the whole car ride and into the store was "bye" when she left.

Today was pretty good. Despite having 2 finals and 2 hours of graduation practice everthing went better. Lynn can secretly talk to me and her and Sarah both lie to Stephanie saying they don't. I'm no longer pissed at Sarah. I think that I needed a day to cool off. I'm not even mad at Bobby. In fact I'm rather glad that he got her permanently mad at me because I'll permanently have a black spot in my heart towards her. The only form of "love" it has is a slight concern for what she will turn into if she keeps going the way she is. Other than that it is dark and full of anger. She treats people terrible. Cheating on her boyfriends. Lying about what I've said about others. The sooner I get away from her the better.

Today at graduation practice we found out where we sit for the morning award ceremony. I sit next to Kyle. YAY YAY YAY! Only thing is that he sits next to Christina so they were talking a lot. I hate her. Shes really mean and always has been. He told me to call her a hippo while we were in line waiting. I did and it was so great. I CANT DESCRIBE HOW IT FEELS TO CALL SOMEONE YOU HATE A MEAN NAME AND HAVE THEM THINK YOU DONT MEAN IT WHEN YOU REALLY DO! Well, if Kyle were reading this I would say thank you for that but hes not.

Finals were this week. So far I know I got a 79% on math and a 76% on science...2 C+. I cried when I got my math result back because I thought I really could have done a lot better. I think I was being too emotional and a bit of a cry baby. Our teacher, Miss Gengras, even made a comment before she gave them back about how the whole year I'd been struggling with negative numbers. When I got it back I missed 5 problems just because I put negative when it was positive or positive when it was negative. I feel so stupid just thinking about it. You'd think that it's just a matter of memorizing the rules but for some reason I just don't seem to be able to fuckin get it! It's so frustrating. I should have asked my tutor for help when I was going to him but I dunno how much you can really help for that kind of stuff.

I'm tired and I don't have homework so I can be lazy so I'm going to end this. Byester

5 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 22 May :: 9.21 pm

Hiya. Yesterday was a stupid boring birthday. It was probably one of the worst birthdays I've had. I don't want to make anyone feel any worse than I know they already do but I'm just going to say this and uh..sorry if you do feel worse. I know that Jessica knew it was my birthday and that it was probably just a brain fart but it really sucks when one of your friends says "Why are you in free dress" on your birthday. Then I can't remember if I said something or she just realized it was my birthday. That really sucked. Enough feeling sorry for myself. We went to some Japanese restaraunt called Kyoto Palace. They cook food in front of you. Its pretty cool but I hate Japanese food. Also the cook guy was Mexican. Kind of weird. The best presents I got were from my sister. My mom and dad gave me some ugly clothes and a Beatles C.D. I like the c.d cause the Beatles are good. It has the "When I'm 64" song on it. I listened to it and started crying.

I'm done complaining about my birthday. My sister, Maureen, has really been getting on my nerves. It seems like she only has really mean things to say about my other sisters, particularly Michelle and Monica. She keeps going on and on about how shes so disapointed with Monica because of her decisions and who she has become. She just hates Michelle for everything and says that Michelle brings out the worst in everyone. Maybe she does but I don't care to hear about it constantly. I'm the only one that Maureen has who is willing to listen to everything she talks about so I suck it up and listen. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if she talks this bad about me with other people. Normally I don't just go and insult her and nit pick everything that is wrong with her unless I'm pissed...like right now. She makes me feel bad for liking my other sisters and I really think that thats wrong. Then I try to tell her I don't care to hear anymore about what she thinks about Monica and Michelle she says "Oh, this is just to hard for you to understand." So she trys to tell me that the reason I don't want to hear anymore is because I just am to stupid to get it. I understand..all of it. I think deep down somewhere she knows that what she is doing is very wrong and mean. How can she go around criticizing others when she is very far from being perfect. She has no friends and all she ever talks about is work. I am forced to endure rides in the car with her where all she says is "Did I tell you about this guy who came into the shop?....." (She works at Postal Annexe) It's so annoying. I'm tired of hearing about all those "retarded" people that go into the shop. Or those "pushy,snobby,bitchy" people. I'm sick of even talking about her.

On Thursday I was freed. Freed from being forced to be friends with Sarah. Yes, it is finally over. Let me tell you the past year and half has sucked. I hate being friends with her. She called me a bitch when we were in a fight once but I forgave her because we give her a ride home and other shit. I am a bitch..sometimes. I'm a bitch when I have to be but the way she called me one was completely unfair. She said "Well you always act like such a bitch when your with Louise." YEA WELL GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE?! Shes a true friend. Shes been my friend since kindergarten and I can trust her. Shes not using me. I would go to her with serious issues before I'd go to Sarah anyday. I don't think Sarah really cares. She may be prettier than me (grosser too) and guys may like her more but I'm just gonna bet that I could keep a guy around longer (without talking about sex or promising any things to do with sex) than she could. There is more to love than saying "Oh! I like you!and you're hot so that means I love you" or "I'm single. You're single. I love you". Its so fucked up. You can't just say that you love somebody that you met for 5 minutes. No wonder "relationships" only last a few days or weeks in Jr. high. At a dance when she liked some guy she kept looking to up to her right and fluttering her eyelashes and giggling. Holy fuck. Its so fucked up. The guy thought she was weird. HA! YOU DUMBASS. She completely changes when she is around a guy. I don't think that I change that much. I get much quieter just cause I'm naturally shy. So the way I'm going to end our friendship will be very gradual. When she calls, unless I'm extremely bored, I won't call her back. Then I'll say "I never got the message" or "I was really tired". Technically thats true. I'm tired....of her. I really want to see what she turns out to be as in 10 years. She once told me she wanted to go to St. Marys college but shes kidding herself. Sarah has absolutely no motivation. She'll never make it into St. Marys unless she changes a lot. I'm not betting on that.

THIS IS NOW REALLY BORING. BYESTER. WHOEVER READS THIS PLEASE COMMENT ON THE SARAH THING.WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUT IT WOULD BE NICE

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 12 May :: 9.33 pm
:: Mood: tired

i hope this isnt too long for u to read
For some reason I feel really weird writing in here. Oh well...I'll do it anyway.

I was going to write in here on Monday because that was the 1 year anniversary of my aunt dieing but I got in trouble for losing my P.E shorts so I couldn't. Lots of stuff has happened since I last wrote. On Saturday morning I slept until 10:00 because my sister woke me up just to say she was leaving to go pick up her car. (She left her car at her friends house because she was too drunk to drive home the night before) I watched T.V until about noon and then I went on the internet out of boredom. I called back Jennifer and when I was on the phone with her I nearly killed my finger. I was shutting a door that seperates the computer room/dining room from the kitchen and I pulled it out of the wall. I guess I wasn't paying attention and pulled to far because some how it cut my finger really bad. So I screamed and waved my finger around which made blood hit the door. (Aren't you so happy I added that little detail?) I hung up and then went running into the kitchen and my sister put water on it and was squeezing it with a paper towel but it wouldn't stop bleeding so she said that I might have to get stitches. I am deathly afraid of hospitals. I've never been in one to get something done to me but I've seen what they do to other people and since I haven't had another Tetnis shot I was even more scared. Luckily I didnt have to go to the hospital and I didn't have to go to softball either. What a lovely paragraph describing that.

I'm going to skip to Monday. I lost my P.E shorts and then I got in trouble for it. My parents were being such asses. I think my dad really doesnt like me. I know he loves me but I dont think he likes me. (I'm going to go back to Sunday for a second) I was at the kitchen table and my grandma had just left so I said "I don't think grandma likes me." then my mom said "Neither do I." She kind of sighed like she was ashamed of my grandma. (Monday again) So I got sent to bed early for lipping off when I was defending myself. They kept telling me that my P.E shorts were in my room and that I wasn't looking hard enough. Its sort of hard to find something when it isn't there. I kept insisting they weren't. I was right. Yesterday I found my shorts in my softball bag and my mom said she looked there. Guess she didn't look hard enough.

Tuesday was a really bad day. During L.A somehow a conversation about Stephanie got started. Bobby, who sits in front me, turned around and started asking about her. Jessica and I were telling him some stuff that we probably shouldn't have. Lynn was sitting behind me and she said a few things too. Bobby asked us we why hang out with her and I said that I didn't and Lynn said she didn't know. I wonder if she only hangs out with her because Sarah does..maybe Lynn wants to be better but she is afraid to be a leader. I think Bobby was fascinated by her...but not impressed. He called her a slut a few times and said she was dumb. I thought that he wasn't that type of person but I'm glad I was wrong. So somewhere during the conversation I said "She doesn't like me" then he said "Its cause you're not a slut" (or something very close to that) So that made me feel happy that he said that and was nice to me because after the whole thing with Dani and Tyler I wasn't sure any of them would be nice.

When I got home I had about an hour and then I had to go to softball but the game wasn't so bad..I actually got a hit. I also had to slide and I was really scared but I did alright. Then I got home again and went on the computer while trying to do the "To Kill a Mockingbird" questions. (they should have an underlining button on here) I got called to dinner and my mom,who is supposed be on some special diet and shit that she paid $800 for, was eating so much bad food. I really want this to work for her so I got pretty upset when she was eating all the unhealthy food. I sort of whined/yelled at her for it and nobody said anything. Then I swallowed a really hot piece of potatoe and it hurt so I was squirming and trying to make it go down. She shoved a glass of milk in my face and told me to drink it. I yelled again "I don't want that!" or something. My sister, Mary, got really pissed at me for doing that. She yelled at my mom for not yelling at me for yelling at her. My dad has had a tendency to be extra mean and...dangerous lately because he is trying to quit smoking. I think hes compensating for not smoking by drinking more. (Doesnt all this smoking and drinking shit sound like its out of one of those lifetime movies with the delinquent dads who beat their kids?) The drinking causes him to have a shorter fuse and that is on a man whose fuse is normally like an inch. He has always been violent and I think he is more powerful than he realizes. Part of that might be because he was a cop and was trained to be very aggressive. So like a maniac he got from from the table went around and pulled me up from my seat by my ponytail. Then he pulled me backwards right next to the wall and pushed me onto the ground and yelled "Sit there!...facing the wall! For the rest of dinner. You can eat yours when the rest of us are done!" I know that sounds really bad and that the people *Jessica* might not believe the he would do that but he really did. I am not exagherrating. (sp) My mom was very upset and my sister defended me slightly, only saying that he shouldnt be so rough. (I used that comma wrong. GOD DAMN THE COMMAS! I HATE THEM!) My mom told me to come back to the table and finish eating. I went back to the table but I did not finish eating. That sort of stuff makes you lose your appetite. I sat there drinking my milk and glaring at the other 4. Then my mom said to clear my plate and go do my homework. My dad got really mad at that and yelled at her. Trying to impress my she went to drastic measures. She yelled "Alright! Clear your plate, Marilyn, take your shower, and get into bed." I argued saying that I didn't finish my homework yet and she said "Thats too bad. Go to bed." then I said "I will get a detention if I dont do it." so she said "I don't care. You can't get by with being so rude to me" So I said alright and cleared my plate. Then I went to sign off the internet and talked to some people for a while when it occured to me that I should have been doing my homework instead. My mom came in as if afraid and said "I'll get in lots of trouble with your father if he finds out so finish your homework really fast." I finished it.

Today I realized once again how much I hate Sarah. Just staring at her makes me sick. She eats so much and has acne because she is fat. Its so revolting. Maybe some of its genetics because her mom is really fat but my mom and dad are really fat and I'm not fat. She is a very rude person too and shallow. Oh yes, and a hugeass follower. Her and Stephanie are like twins. Why don't they just live together and do everything the same exact way. Today in enrichment class Stephanie was looking at a magazine and making fun of every ugly person or the people making weird faces. Then she would laugh and say "Toot." or "Sarah, look" Then Sarah would begin a "Hehehehhe" type of annoying laugh. I bet if I was in a magazine they looked at they would spend hours laughing at my picture. Dumb bitches. One of the most annoying things about Sarah is how dumb she sounds whenever she talks. I suppose the 2 of them think its cool to sound like complete dumbasses. Sarah started it all. They will say stuff like "continue" instead of "Keep going" or whatever. They also rarely finish a sentence. If you ask them about someone they saw you'll get. short little phrases like "Mexican. Tall. Jersey. Hat." AH! SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES YOU FUCKIN IDIOTS! I also feel like Sarah is using me again for a ride home and someone for someone at softball. SOFTBALL IS OVER ON MY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! After that I don't have to be friends with her. I will still have to give her a ride home from school but in no way will I ever feel like I have to be nice to her or apologize when I was rude or anything. She called me a bitch when she was pissed at me. I DONT CARE! I could care less what she thinks of me after that. I know that someday if she continues the way shes going I will have a better life and be a whole lot smarter. I know that sounds really bad and very mean. I'm sorry but I just don't care. I have put up with so much shit from her over the past year and half that she doesn't deserve me being nice to her. Real friends will never make fun of you behind your back. I only do that to her because she is not a real friend and could never be unless she really wanted to be...unless she cared. She even makes fun of Stephanie behind her back. Asshole. They are supposed to be best friends yet she does that anyway. Disgusting. When I get home from graduation that night I will go and take a shower. The shower will not just be a regular shower but it symbolize me being done with everything. When you graduate from anywhere you have to choose to keep your friendships alive. If you don't choose to do that they die like anything would if it was neglected. I CHOOSE NOT to keep that friendship alive. In fact I want it to wither up and die. I'd start neglecting it now if I could but sadly, I still have to keep it alive for 9 more days. I think that maybe all that matters to her is the amount of friends she has. Even if keeping new friends requires stepping on the old ones and treating them like shit. Another thing that bothers me is when she makes plans with people right in front of you. I know that she can't include everyone but still. It is so rude. I don't start making plans and stuff with people right in front of her. She doesn't have manners. Several times Mikaela wanted to go to the movies at softball with her so they began planning it right in front of me. Them Mikaela would say "Marilyn, you can go if you want." She has manners. Even if the invitation is fake at least she makes the effort to say it. I am a bit sensitive but I know what is rude and it bothers me.

I hope that after all that meaness you will understand that I really am nice...when I want to be. Actually I try to be nice to everyone until they have given me a reason to be mean. Even then I try to suck it up. I don't know how well that works but I do try. Sarah just imed me... bye

Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 6 May :: 11.00 pm

A lot of shitty stuff has gone on this week. I'm so tired out from all the softball and everything else that happened last week. The day off on Monday barely helped. At school there are a bunch of fucked up assholes that I hate cause they are so mean to everyone and deserve to be beaten severely. Dani is the biggest one. She said that I am one of the ugliest ones in the class. Anna over heard a bunch of the assholes talking about it in spanish and then she told Jessica who told me. WHAT MAKES HER THINK SHES SO GOOD LOOKING?! Just because Tyler says it doesnt mean its true. Her lips are huge. She straightens her hair which only makes it look so ugly and puffy and hideous. DUDE! IF YOU INSIST ON STRAIGHTENING YOUR CURLY HAIR MAKE SURE ITS STRAIGHT! NOT JUST ALL PUFFY! ITS LIKE SHE HAS A HEADFUL OF FUZZYS. UGLY,NASTY BLONDE FUZZYS! Then she has to show off her preppiness and say "Shannon,...ew. Don't do that" or "Ew you beast!" Tyler, who also was talking about me being ugly, had to sit at our table for a few minutes this morning but luckily he moved to a different one. Dani sits at my table..that means I would have been stuck with both of the them. I'm done talking about this. All I can say is that I hope they die. Or get hit in the head with a very large rock.
I mentioned Anna up there. That was when she was tollerable. I hate her now. Today during art she was insulting Jen who is one of her only friends at school. She was just trying to fit in with the popular people and stuff by saying that Jen was dumb for trying to get into the same classes as her for highschool. She continued with it when they were agreeing and laughing with her. Why do people do that? Envy will make people do the meanest and stupidest things ever. I feel sort of motherly but I almost want to protect Jen and tell her how bad Anna is.
Lately I have been so sad. The past 2 nights I've cried a long time before I fell asleep. On Monday when I stayed home from school I was flipping through the channels and there was a memorial for Pat Tillman. He grew up in the city I live in and he went to school at Leland. I go there on the weekends for softball. So they were talking about all this stuff and it was so depressing. I started to think about how young he was and all he could have done if he had lived..how great he could have been. Then they started describing him and he seemed really great. Almost like everyone would want to know him. There was a picture of him with his head on his wife's lap and they were both dressed in their wedding clothes. Everything that I saw I tried to find how it could be tied into his death and sort of foreshadow. All my thoughts were set to depressing "mode". So when I saw that picture and how his head was on her lap I thought about how if he was dead he would be laying there like that. She would be holding his head in her lap showing her dedication to him even though he was still dead. If I was a painter I would paint it like that. Sometimes I really wish I had the ability to draw. It sucks. I could paint so many things I have in my head.
I'm tired. Bye

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2004 3 May :: 6.15 pm

I don't really want to write for too long so I'm going to only write what is really important and nice.
I'm not going to be leaving woohu because Jessica was nice enough to send the money in for me.
Last Thursday was really the nicest day of the week. We were working in our "To Kill a Mockingbird" groups and Kyle was sitting facing the rest of the group who were facing eachother in the chairs. Gabi and I were closest to him. He was sitting in a swivel chair and he was moving side to side and whenever he did his leg would bump against mine. It was so nice. Then he went to the bathroom because he said he had to meet 2 seventh graders there at 2:00. When he came back he was playing with Gabi's foot then he stretched his leg across to put his foot on Jessica L.'s lap. I felt very jealous at that moment. Then he after he was done he had lost his place in the book and looked at my book to see where we were. I know how stupid that sounds. oh well. So after that he randomly said "Marilyn, what highschool are you going to?". When I told him I was afraid my voice would sound really weird like it does when I havent talked for a while sometimes. Thank God it didn't and I sounded like I usually do. That made me feel really happy too. We finished the 2 chapters we were supposed to and then we went outside to work on the questions that were assigned. He started with Gabi and put a blue dot on her arm and said "Now you're cool" He then reached over and put a dot on my arm and said "You got the dot of coolness" Rose, Brittney, Jess L, and Christina all got the dot. We had done some more of our packet when he started to put more dots on people. He said "Gimme your hand, Marilyn." So i put my hand out and he put another dot on it. He was about to put the second "dot of coolness" on Rose but Gabi told him that he already gave everyone one. STUPID GABI. HE COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A MILLION AND MADE MY ARM COMPLETELY BLUE WTIH ALL THE DOTS BUT SHE HAD TO RUIN IT. So thats my very good experience with the Kylester.
Last week I had to play to 5 games in 6 days mixed with tests, homework, and a bigass project. We had confirmation on Sunday as well. Eric Apple was there. He was wearing a white dress shirt and black pants. He looked very hot. My last name is right between the last names of 2 of Stephanies crushes so I was sitting next to one of them only seperated by his sponsor. (The other one had to sit in the next pew because there wasnt enough room) During the rehearsal she whispered at me and pointed to him. It was kind of embarrassing with my sponsor right behind me and stuff.
Hot guy on T.V did bad this weekend v_v. i'm bad at those..
well thats it for now. bye bye

Go fuck yourself