moana
|
::
2004 14 October :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: deftones - one weak
my body.
warm breath. wide hips. tight skin. slender arms. smooth flesh. scented hair. love handles. moist lips...
frail.
vuluptuous.
small.
alluring.
mine.
yours.
you spend two years of your life, two years, two years which is a long time when you're just 16 just being together, being the greatest of friends, doing what you do best together. you're there everyday, and he's by your side, and no matter what trouble you get into, he's got your back, he's always there.
he was my friend. he was my best friend. that time lucy took the bat for me he was there to drive us to the hospital. when i owed zachary all that money, he came through. that day jamelle stepped on the wrong toes, he didn't have me, didn't let me make a mockery out of myself for that scheming conniving bitch. when i came so close to...
then you get drunk and stupid.
and then he's up your shirt.
and you're thinking, "when did this happen? why did this happen? why is this happening to me?"
why? i'm not sure. young and drunk is a bad combination.
i loved him in such a special way, and things got in the way of that. he got in the way of that. and instead of my best friend, he turned into this "close personal friend". and everytime i said it, i felt...ick. how could he do that to me? how dare he?
how dare you? how dare you want this from me? how dare you believe that just because i exist my body belongs to you? how dare you expect me to be yours because you did something for me? how dare you want my body for nothing in return? no care, no love, no consent... you need my consent.
you should've asked.
i should've stopped you.
i should have done a lot of things.
and in the end, i can't list off all the "how dare you"s i want to yell at the world. i want to yell at every guy i've ever dumped, and every girl that's ever dumped me and i can't because i just don't have the right. i gave my body. i didn't stop him. i didn't stop her. i didn't stop anybody. because i love everybody.
stupid. i want to make the world happier. how stupid of me. what was i thinking?
so i yelled.
"you call me and expect me to come crawling back to you? what do you take me for? your booty call? at least have the decency to say so if that's what you want, i've been booty call before! you killed this, not me, and if you ever think about touching me again i will personally tell the boys to rape you! how dare you, how dare you how dare you!" i yelled for so long. then i cried. i can't believe i cried. he made me cry again.
but no i can't blame him. not entirely, anyway. i cried because i felt guilty i was yelling at him. stupid.
i'm so stupid. i was so stupid. forget it, fuck that. this is my body. the least you can do is ask. i'm not a drunk anymore. i'm not gonna be stupid. this is my body. you want in, then you want everything that comes with it. my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my, my...
if you want the vessel, you're getting me with it. i'm in it. i can't leave it. you can't take me out of it. you can pretend i'm not there for the time being, and it helps when i wish i wasn't there. but it's over. i don't wanna leave my body just so you can have your space with my flesh and my skin. i feel like scratching it all off. i feel like i wish i was somebody else, in another body, i wish i could peel the very life off of it.
stop trying to get into my pants. stop asking me to spend some time with you when what you're really thinking is "let's have a few drinks and get on the couch." stop it.
stop it before i kill you.
Read more..
7 comments |
leave a comment
|
WhitePony
|
::
2004 13 October :: 4.46pm
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights - Ohio Is For Lovers
I think Laurence owes a debt of gratitude to Kevin Randall and Allison Yocum.
Had Kevin not dated Allison, I wouldn't have met Brandy, who wouldn't have introduced me to Laurence, who wouldn't have introduced me to Woohu, which I then wouldn't have posted about Deftones, which wouldn't have caught the attention of a couple of Deftone-crazy Kuwaities, who one of which in particular wouldn't have met Laurence. ; )
Granted, there is the off-chance that you two would've met randomly on here on your own, but for the sake of my journal entry, lets pretend not.
9 comments |
leave a comment
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 12 October :: 10.31pm
hey, i had fall break this weekend-today, so i actualy have class tomorrow. i did a lot of stuff. hung out with megan, janet, mel and adam friday. stein, mel and adam saturday and mel adam and kinda janet (she was on the phone hard core) sunday. megan and adam and woop woop monday. adam and me drove to state tuesday and played hockey with ryan. it was fun. then i got this..
http://photos.yahoo.com/nhm10 click on the fall break 04 album to see what i got!
leave a comment
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 10 October :: 11.21am
:: Music: muse - microcuts
Drama class...
ToTo: What are you doing?
Andy: Writing my monologue *writes "Monologue" at the top of a blank piece of paper* See?
ToTo: ...*wild laughter*
Andy: How come I feel like everytime I say something, you're going to blog it?
ToTo: (under her breath) Baa Raaa...
On the phone long-distance to California...
Kaileen: What're you doing?
ToTo: I'm trying to open the thing, but the thing is gone.
Kaileen: Oh yeah, that thing and like you pull it to open the thing...
ToTo: Yes. But the thing's broken and now I can't open the thing.
Kaileen: Uf, I hate those things.
ToTo: Things should die.
Kaileen: We're talking about sex, right?
12 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
WhitePony
|
::
2004 8 October :: 1.18pm
:: Music: Head Automatica - Disco Hades II
I woke up last night at around midnight, vigorously scratching my arms, hands and shoulders. I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and found a huge bite on my tricep and various smaller bites all around. I went back to bed thinking "great, last time I moved to San Luis I got sick, this time, there are spiders" Throughout the night I have numerous dreams pertaining to the bites, like having them cover my entire arm. I wake up and there is absolutely no sign of anything. Now I'm freaking out. Did I dream everything? Did the bites subside after only a few hours? Have I gone insane? When I supposedly woke up, everything was vivid. Kyle was in his room, lights were on, it was real. I'm still convinced that it was real, but without evidence I'm without a case.
10 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
WhitePony
|
::
2004 7 October :: 1.14pm
Why am I not able to make or look at comments on journals that say friends only? Obviously you have me as friends, because I'm able to read them, but why can't I do anything. It says "you are not authorized to do this!" And that extra exclaimation mark at the end just makes me feel like a fool, as if you guys, personally are yelling at me.
15 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 7 October :: 10.57am
shitty
well i totally bombed my nutrition exam today, sounds impossible,i know, but the proff is a fuck head. he tells us its going to be easy and to study things that are important to athletes and then questions us on shit he told us not to study, i love college!
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 6 October :: 10.52pm
my roommate is a crazy, but its awesome!
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 6 October :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: cutting crew - died in your arms tonight
im getting some random music in my head lately
so today i did really shitty on my 2nd part of my exam, at least i think i did. then i went and rode the bike on the strength setting for 20 minutes, i was dying the last 5 minutes. then i was going to lift, do abs, tricips, biceps, 4 way leg, lunges. but when i passed the window there were like a million people in there, and all the machines i wanted to use were taken, granted biceps and lunges are free-weight things, but whats the point of only doing 2 things, and my legs already killed anyway, i'll just go tomorrow and friday. i was invited to a par-tay tonight, but i dont think im going to go, im still not really wanting to drink after the last time. that was a totally bad experience and i dont even like the taste of alcohol anymore, except malt beverages :-/
6 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 6 October :: 6.55am
:: Mood: hot.
:: Music: eels - i need some sleep
what's your favourite flower?
i don't have one.
and since i'm sick with a fever (i missed school today) you will all send me flowers. not literally.
your favourite flower. show me a picture.
*sneeze* poor sick little tater tot. make me feel better, ok?
13 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 5 October :: 6.58pm
i think i pissed someone off yesterday, i realllllly didnt mean to. and if you read this, im sorry. i was just kidding. i suck at being a friend
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 5 October :: 6.50pm
:: Music: big girls dont cry
its stuck in my head
so today in education we were talking about black/white issues. i hate doing that when both sides arent equally represented, or at least represented at all. my class is 15 white kids, and a black prof who is in her 30's.
still, for the most part the white kids are going to have very similar ideas and misconceptions and thouhgts about the issues, and so no one can really say the other side....yeah the teacher is black, but shes older and has had different experiences than black kids who are our age have. that class is so stupid, we discuss things that are common sense, and then things that we cant really discuss bc everyone agrees. love it!
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 5 October :: 7.47am
The ToTo: cowritten by Dr. Andony Dookhi, PHD ToTo-ology and the Original ToTo (born Fayer Bo3riki)
Observe the elusive ToTo in its natural habitat.
Unbeknownst to many, the ToTo has no cheeks, but possesses cheek pouches, much like a small chipmunk. This is what enables the ToTo to consume great amounts of food without exploding. However, at times, a ToTo will emit strange sounds.
Though initially born human, ToTos are devolved into a subspecies. They are asexual beings that, while may show outward sex-traits, will interchange and mate with both sexes of their kind (and others i.e. humans). They must continually mate, otherwise their punis will shrivel up and turn black.
A healthy punis.
A shriveled punis.
ToTos are originally classified as scavengers, but they are known to eat fresh food. They'll eat anything.
You know what, they are of no use to the human race. They only serve as entertainers and loose sexual partners.
The ToTo's life is based around mating and eating. So great and equal are these needs that, to a ToTo, food and mating are interchangeable. Watch as a ToTo tries to copulate with its sandwich.
Though they are a subspecies, they are remarkably intelligent when dealing with mating habits and nice Catholic boys will like ToTos whether they have ears or not.
Many humans will adopt domesticated ToTos as pets.
The ToTo does not have a regular hibernation schedule, but does so in between snacks and whenever necessary. When a ToTo is hibernating, it gives a false appearance of cuteness, but may become very aggressive if awakened. However, they are usually docile, friendly creatures.
In conclusion, be nice to ToTos. They are small and helpless and make nice pets so long as they are fed and sexually satisfied.
Save a ToTo. Go on a diet.
Save a ToTo. Screw abstinence.
14 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 5 October :: 1.48am
:: Mood: sick and hungry
:: Music: fozzy - stay hungry
random thoughts from a toto's mind.
the beauty of IB Theatre Arts... where else do i get graded to dirty dance to britney spears? (don't ask)
Gigli. ok, so i hated this movie, but i just had to, had to, share this.
Read more..
in more toto related news, you may have noticed my absense. this is due to the fact that a month into school, i have turned into a lifeless slaving studying-machine. i don't go home til 4. saturdays and tuesdays for forensics, the rest of the week for math. see, they're getting us IB students to tutor the pre-cal classes before their big test on matrices, and well... you don't need to know anymore.
but i do miss you all. i promise you i'll try to make a come back tonight, if i get done all my homework early enough. vanden boom, verstraete, get online! i miss all both of you!
oh and whatever happened to that online party you were throwing for me, vanden boom? you trying to cheat me out of a party? *narrows eyes suspiciously*
so i'm watching this discovery channel thing on formula 1 "indie" cars. it's a follow up on last week's. did you know that an indie car can go from naught to 160km (100miles) per hour in just 3 seconds? a lot of people say it's the car that makes the winner, but let's be objective about this. so ferrari, now the leading champions for 6 years in a row (going on 7), did not win a single tournament, not even for third, from 1979 up to 1998 (i believe). in 1995 they hire micheal shcumacher, the greatest driver in the world. for the first 2 or 3 years, he's warming up, and then he goes on a winning streak.
jack vilnov, the canadian driver, did not win a total of 10 races in 3 years. they boot him and get button, the brit guy, to drive the exact same car, and he suddenly starts winning.
cars make the winners? i think not.
indie cars have wings on their sides. true, honest-to-God airplane wings. the only difference is they're turned upside down. if they weren't, the cars would fly. the wings are used for the opposite effect. while airplane wings require lift, indie cars use their wings for "down force". it helps the driver control the car better. the down force is so great at top speeds, that by the time the driver reaches 190km per hour, he can drive the car on the walls and ceiling of a tunnel. it's even greater than the force of gravity.
you think anyone can drive that kinda power?
cars make the winner?
please.
don't insult heroes.
oh and, andy, woohu-man. happy birthday!
p.s. the good news is, i don't have to go get that pesky surgery on my eyelid, so yay!
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
|
nerdalert
|
::
2004 3 October :: 1.54pm
awesome weekend!
oh man, great times!
friday: me, dork, janet, mel, danielle, craig and meaghan did the dubkeh (sp), all go to eat, then go hang out in danielles room and play apples to apples, and amy (who i didnt dis with the high 5 ;-) ) came for a while, yay. i went back with janet and mel to their room and me and mel played like a million songs on our guitars including dualing banjos while janet died of sickness/tiredness.
it was just fun having all of us together, and me and craig being morons with the kicking of butts game. love it!
saturday:
played tennis, danielle won all the games, even the doubles ones. then we got pizza. me janet and mel went back to their room, then walked around, then went to cold stone where only buttcheese eater got ice cream bc it was sooo cold. i tried sushi, it didnt taste bad, but the texture was sick as hell and i was like gagging, literally, like the dry heave business. gross. then me janet and mel went to dennys, then to danielles room again, and this is where all the fun happened. oh man crazyness! i cant even explain, i was the arms and legs and dork wasthe body and head and oh shit it was hilarious. heres some good quotes and actions......
"janet!!" (in low voice) *scratches head with both hands*
"someone just came online" *hands raise while saying that, then point at the computer*
*rubs danielles leg* "i kinda like that leg"
too many good ones to put them all, but next weekend im getting a copy of that shit!
good shit, if i left anything super awesome out, just put it in a comment so everyone can laugh their asses off
10 comments |
leave a comment
|
|