...god i really fucked things up....
Ok ....arg.....this is really hard.WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD LATELY??

Well for the past 4 days I have been in an emotional tornado.

Ok this started friday night ,i went over to a friends house and she had her boyfriend over and her boyfriend had a friend over.I had met him before and knew his name but that was it,but ill call him nova for the time.
So as Ashley A and her Boyfriend played on the couch Nova asked if i would like to come outside and talk with him while he had a smoke.Im thinkin ok but you arnt going to get anything.So we walk outside and sit on the stoop in front of the house,and he just starts asking me questions and i just start talking and vice versa.Well we end up spending the whole night talking outside and on the couch.About one in the morning Nova and ronie have to leave and hes like ill see you soon.I didnt think i was that close to him but that whole night i couldnt stop thinking about him.
Well in the morning they come over while we where still getting dressed and they are like you guys want to go for a walk? We say ok and on the walk all of them are smoking except me.Nova offers me a ciggaret ,i refuse and he says wow you dont smoke,smiles and walks next to me the rest of the way.While we walk over to the park i catch little glances of Nova staring at me every time i turn to talk to ashley.When we gat to the park instead of going the long way up to the top of the play area i climb up the side followed by Nova.Well we are sitting there and he just keeps staring at me when i finally ask what? .He looks away quickly and laughs.He says come over and sit by me,soi do and leans over and whispers into my ear i think i love you..so now im like wha..a..i.huh?this time he says it so ashley and ronie could hear it and ronie says yeah i couldnt get him to shut up about you.I smile and say no you dont and look away.He puts his hand on the side of my face and pulls my face so its facing him and he says no i think i really do...and i dont know what to do...(now you have to understand how much this all hurt right then and there,think about a dull knife slashing at your heart and multiply it by infinity)this time i just stare at him.
He puts out his ciggaret butt and throws it over onto the ground and loks back at me. he says "Ronie we need to go get our stuff and get it chwecked in" ronie nods and we all walk back to ashleys.The whole time i can feel his eyes on my back.We get to her house and ronie kisses ashley and Nova puts his hand on my face and looks into my eyes,i just stare at his he had these beautiful eyes and he drops his hand and tells ronie they need to go.Ronies like we will be back about 4 or 5 pm.After they leave ashley is hysterical.She is like i knew it i knew it .As she runs around getting all dressed up i just sit there and stare at a wall while i scream and cry inside.For once someone likes me with a passion and i cant even....god it hurt so bad..........................as much as wanted to be with him i couldnt.
They come back later and this time ashley and i where "dressed up"(for the record she nagged me till i bled).They walk into the house and Novas walks straight over to me and says you look stunning.I blushed so much i think i set my hair on fire.But ashleys like oh they are taking us out to gibson so we can go walk and stuff.I force a smile...we get into ronies car and ronie and ashley sit in front and of course Nova and i sit in back.Well ronie is driving like a mad man in his suv and he hits the brakes suddenly and i fly forward(i had my seatbelt on) and hit my head on the back of ashleys chair.I fly back into my seat and look around,we wernt in an accident ronie just didnt see a light.Ashley flings around and is like are you ok?but Novas already got my head in his hands checking for cuts and what not.Im sitting there saying im fine but he insists on checking .
We get to the park and its sunset.I get out of the car and the first person in front of me is nova and he helps me outof the car all the while im telling them im fine.Well with me being preocupied with telling them im ok i trip on the curb and fall .I never hit the ground because just in the nik of time he catches me with one arm and spins me up.I just stand there aw struck.We walk into gibson park and ronie and ashley waste no time and run off.Im walking next to Nova and the first thing that pops outta my mouth is "Thank you ,how,why are you trying to help me so much?"He just looks at me and says" i already told you i love you"He stops and i stop,he turns to me and looks at me."Why dont you belive me?"I just look down ,so caught in what i was thinking to say he just takes a step closer to me.Now he is so close i can feel the heat of his body,his breath,his heart pounding...i look up and hes like" i love you Michelle and nothing can change that".At that moment i was as close to crying as i have been in a year.He just stares at me then his eyes makeing slight movements.I looked at him and lowered my head,"Why do you love me?" and he just says "I dont know."God the pain i felt at that moment was so unbearable i just let my head fall on his chest and just stood there.He put his arms around my back as i closed my eyes and started to think.I thought about this risk the my heart wanted to take and the risk my mind said absolutly not to.We stood like that for ten minutes until i leftedmy head and stared at him.I looked up and saw a trail of one single tear ho from his left eye.I just stared at him and asked why he was crying,he just shook his head and stared at me.He let go of me and stared at the small rays of light escaping the sun as it set ,he looked at me again and leaned down and kissed me with the softest kiss i have ever felt , it seemed he was afraid he might break me.(how can something so soft and innocent open so many wounds and awaken the demons that lay sleeping inside me?)I looked at him and grabed his hand.We started to walk again.
We walked back to the car which was locked and ashley and ronie where nowhere to be seen.I leaned on the car and loked at him.I shivered a little because i was wearing a shirt made of sheer fabric,he asked if i was getting cold and i nodded. He walked over to me and gave me his coat.He stood there and stared at me like a was a porcilin doll. He leaned in and kissed me again and this time he didnt hold anything back everything he felt was thrown at me and all i could do was react to what was thrown.After a bit he finally pulled away and looked at me like he did something wrong.He said "I'm so sorry ,i couldnt help myself...."he turned to leave and said"im going to find ronie and ashley.."I grabed his hand and he stoped,he turned around and .......thats for me to know and non of you to ever find out but i will assure you im still a virgin........
We eventualy did go findashley and ronie who where passed out on the ground.We woke them up and went back to the suv.We all sat down but this time i sat NEXT to Nova instead of on the other side of the car.Well by the time we got back to ashleys house ashley and i where exausted.So ronies says he will make dinner before we go to bed and they go home.i sit on the couch still with nova coat on and im sitting up and doze off.I wake up to nova playing with my head and my head in his lap on top of a pillow.I only slept ofr about 20 mins and everyone had already eaten.I wasnt very hunger so i just sat ther and let nova play with my hair.About 10 mins later Ronie says they have to go,i and ashley stand up.While ashley and Ronie do there thing i start to take off novas jacket and i had it to him,when i do he grabs my hand and spins my like we are dancing.When i stop im in his arms.He leans down and puts his head next tomy ear and whispers "I'll see you tomarrow" I smile and they leave.Ashley stands ther mouth wide open and yells WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?? i just smile and say thats for me to know and for you to never know.
The next day the come over around twelve in the after noon and the first thing they to is dance with us in ashleys living room.They cant stay long today so we talk and nova kisses me on the cheeck and gets my number and address,and says he will stop by monday night.
Well monday night rolls around and im at home.He rings the door bell and the first thing he dose is hug me.We walk out and about for a bit just talking and as we near my house he asks me that question i knew and dreded he would ask he asks "Michelle ,do you love me?"I sat there and stared at him and paniked and said "Yes".He looked so happy god my heart broke into mear molicules and each hurt so much that i had to tell him i wasnt feeling well.So he left and said he hopes i get better.
As i sit there my wounds depend and my mind screamed and my heart cried,my demons laughed and my who soul mind and being where in a chaotic swirl of pain hate and loss.I
I couldnt bear it,I called Nova up and said "i need to talk to you can you go and park in the collage parking lot ill meet you there."He agrees and i meet him there about ten minutes later i meet him there and he tells my to sit on the hood of his car ,so i do and he puts one hand on the car by each side of my body and leans forward and whispers "i love you so much" and kisses my neck once and brings his head up and is about to kiss me when i put my hand up to stop him."Nova I....I..can't" he moves away "You cant what?"he said i looked at him as one single tear drop ran down the side of my face"I cant love you,not now and probably not ever."i get up and start to walk home he grabs my hand and i turn around hand he says to me something that couldnt have hurt any more"I will wait for you then"he droped my hand and drove off but as he did he started to cry.


I....how did i fuck up that so bad,i knew i shouldnt have let myself get to close.God i hurt him and my self so bad its all my fault..........all day i debated wether or not to put this in my journal and decided to because i need you guys to know.....

god forbid i have a single decent week.RAARRR.Ok well my dad is being a shit and says i cant try out for the school play and i cant do science olympiad(dont care about miss spelling)but yess sp screw you dad.I had a weird dream here goes:

Ok im argueing with this guy named seth and he gets so mad at me he goes and grabs a peice of glass.He slashes under my left eye and i shrug.He gets pissed off even more grabs my hand so hard it bruses and starts to cut up my right upper arm.By now for some odd reason i bleed profusely and i am really weak.Well this time i just sit there and try to stop the bleeding.He walks behind me,im sitting ontop of an old car in a corall and its raining,and he cuts up my lower back.All the time he it using this 6inch peice of glass.Well i fall over and he catches me and starts to cry as i bleed to death.

It gets all black and mysty after that soo...

i have never had a dream like that before.

.....
This is interesting watching you people.You argue and argue without really TALKING.I know its none of my concern and you can go ahead and say that but if you are all so mad at each other talk and listen or read. Its not my place to say who is right or wrong and im not going to but if you do get one thing from reading this is tred carefully.Dont break something that you dont mean to because thats what i think will happen,thats all that ever happens in fights. Dont get me wrong im not saying hug and make up,just becarefull.

GRRRR
CURSED school system! I really do not want to go back....oh well like i have a choice ( i cannot spell).

Damn my siblings
Orientation was OK but im going to go insane next year,im so tired of half the people i have in my classes.Oh well it dosent really matter,not much dose anymore.I mean there are the basics societ has set but that is society and right now i say screw society.Im tired of people having to be so perfect to get anywhere in life....

If the world didnt syck we would all fall off.
Ok no oregon and pizza party may still be on ,on thursday around 5 pm till about 6 or 7. Yay or Nay?
I get to color my hair red again.

This is a really pritty song!And it is great to sing to.Dara starts school tomarrow.We might be having a pizza party if we dont go to oregon.....my dad and i got in a big ass argument over get this...shopping he thinks it is rediculus to buy a new pair of shoes opposed to wearing this ones i have now had for four years and are torn and ripped to bits,god forbid i have a new pair of new fucking shoes.Ok that all seems really silly....i have been thinking alot about this next coming up week and the excitment has been sucked out of it thanks to allthe shit that has been happening .For example a few days ago a girl by the name of ashley passed away in a car accident and i knew her so its kinda a bad foot to start the year off on...

Ha this song is funny! If you guys have Kazaa look this song up.


You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love."
You're more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
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Masochist


The ULTIMATE personality test
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You? -- Updated (7/21/03)
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HEHEHE
OMG that was the best concert i have been to yet!Cold was AWSOME and Evenescence rocked out loud! There where lotsa pretty people and i hunge out with alot of older people who smoked ....they thought it was cool i don smoke.ew my dad did it for a long time i dont care if others do it its just not for me but ne ways....I didnt get home until about 4 am because it was in billings and we drove back after 12.I was in section 7 row C chair 5 but we walked around and went to the mosh/crowd surfing area it was great...I didnt mosh but it was awsome being about 5 feel from amy and cold!Im really happy i got to go ,i was really looking forward to it ...BUT now i have to go to Gaurd Camp for a week and be a teen person thingy i wont be back till friday.SIGH Im dead tired and my dad tried to wake me up at 10 am NOT gonna happen.

OMG
HA Gues you gets to go see evenescence and cold!MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!Ashley invited me to go with her and abunch of 17+ people to Billings and my pappy said.......YES!!!!!

Ok The Grapes of Wrath wasnt that bad,i got my journals done typed and everything but i have to type my essay and i am leaving for gaurd camp next week so.....