behindmysmile
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2003 14 November :: 6.36am
:: Mood: ugly.. =(
Lordy lord i dont think dat ive ever cried dat much in my entire friggin life.. ='(
Ive decided not to go to skool t day..*dont wanna deal wif thier shit* and im not goign to work t day *ditto* but im not gonna stay home..*cant stand seeing my mom in da state that she is rite now* Soo see i dont have anywhere to fuckin go anymore.. =(
Last nite, after everyone had gone to sleep..i ly still more awake then ever..*thinkin* I walk into the kitchen, grab the biggest knife outta the drawer..and hold it up towards my neck..i scrap ever so slightly against my neck..jus to see..and den im tempted to press harder and harder and harder until i fall to the floor and sit in a puddle of my own blood until its all gone and im dead..but i dont instead i take the knife bak into my room, and hide it in a drawer..until next time..until t nite..
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 11.35pm
Too bad soo sad.. =(
Lifes a bitch and den you die..so lets jus get it over wif now! ='(
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: aggravated
He didnt even get a chance at life..
Okay dis entry was influenced by britts entry so thanks britt..neways..
Dude i member when i was going out wif Travis in 6th grade and Justin and him were like best friends, and i met Justin fo da first time..He was kinda crazy, but really really funny. We became like really good friends..but as time went on after me n Travis broke up..our friendship begin to build a rift..and after a while dat rift was too big too mend, so we jus kinda grew apart fo a while..da next time we started talkin again was in 8th grade cuz he was like in all of my classes and we would sit by eachother alot..and we always got in trouble hehe..well not me but him *smiles sheepishly* But after a while during like da second quarter he began to drop hints dat he liked me..so i flirted of korse..and we got alot closer..he was never someone dat i would go out wif..he jus wasnt my type as i sometimes put it..but he was really awesome and i loved da kid..he asked me out many times but i jus used da lame ass excuse dat i jus wanted to be friends and didnt wanna ruin da friendship..and den summer came..we spent alotta fun times in conrads class..gettin in trouble EVERY CLASS! But summer came and we didnt talk at all..and den next thing i know..HES GONE, HES DEAD! And soon to find out, *by travis* is dat he liked me ever since 6th grade when we were going out..he liked me alot..and i was jus sucha bitch and didnt even give him a friggin chance..life didnt give him much of a friggin chance either!! And its not friggin fair!!
There i said it..fo da first time..i said it..i got it out..there is everyone happy..
now did dat make me feel any better to jus open up and say all dat shit..
NO IT DIDNT! so wtf was da point..i unno latah!
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: melancholy
Urgh t day=shitty! =(
My mom these days jus sits in her room, crying and feeling srry fo her damn self! Does she understand dat she has kids out here dat SHE needs to take CARE of..im sick and tired of takin care of myself and doing everything fo myself *dat sounds selfish* but i seriously mite as well fuckin live on my own cuz i do everything fo myself, she dont do shit fo me..and never has..and its not really dat bad dat shes doing dis to me..cuz shes hates me n all but like shes doing it to wilson too! I get her up in da morning i get her around i get her on da bus *sometimes breakfast if time* I do her laundry, i clean up her messes *i clean da house* i makes sure dat shes doing her homework, and dat shes gettin good grades..and if shes got a problem at skool, i make sure dat she fixes it! Like when she was failing her class wif *mrs blume* i was da one dat went after skool wif her and talked wif da teacher bout wat was going on and why she was failing..NOT MY MOM! No korse not..if she needs a ride from skool, if shes going out on da weekend or something..i usually have one of my friends and i friggin pick her up, or i get her around to leave wif her dad fo da weekend..or wateva i seriously do everything fo dat spoiled lil brat..*yah shes only 11* but she needs to grow up a lil more and take more responsibility fo her damn self cuz i can take care of her and myself its crazy i really souldnt have to do it anyway..its not like im her friggin mother! Im jus a kid..i cant deal wif dis shit..and have a job, and deal wif skool, and all da shit afterskool, and keepin a social life, i mean wtf? I cant be a mother! to me and wilson! Dats fuckin wrong and crazy! ANd i hate it! I jus wanna be a kid fo once! I miss being a kid.. =(
I dont know anymore dis shit round here is gettin way too fuckin crazy..i dont nkow wat to do im soo friggin stressed out!
Geesh everyone thinks my life is soo easy..n GOOD..yah i wish it were..i wish dat i could go home fo one day and not have to wrry bout anything but *who im gonna call, wat homework i have, and wat time my fav tv show was playin t nite* Like a REGULAR kid..i unno anymore..
Hey do u like my new journal theme thingy? I do!! Fits mucho better fo someone like me.. =(
Love..me..korse.. =(
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 6.47pm
borderline
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
DA LAST LINE..IS SO FUCKIN RITE IT AINT EVEN FUNNY!!!!!!!! =(
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 6.11pm
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Geesh this one is SOOO me again.. =( *sigh*
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behindmysmile
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2003 13 November :: 5.33pm
Gray:
You poor, depressed child. A rain cloud seems to
follow you everywhere. The worst has always got
to happen doesn't it? Life is miserable.
Made by
Sara
What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Lovely aint it? Jus as everyone views me eh *britt*?
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behindmysmile
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2003 12 November :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: pissed off!!
Dude da other day Mark told my mom dat she sould jus go kill herself..
I wish dat she fuckin would!! =( I hate her..sooo much it aint even funny!
She makes me wanna kill myself..she makes my life miserable!! I HATE her!!
jus thought id write something bout my crazy ass mommy in here..*sniffle sniffle*
love..me..='(
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behindmysmile
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2003 11 November :: 8.15pm
:: Mood: indescribable
Life without you, jus wouldnt be..
I Luv you Brittany Marie Gamester, you mean everything to me!! Life jus wouldnt be da same without you!!
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behindmysmile
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2003 11 November :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Lizzie Mcguire tv show!! =)
Wat do i do?!
I dont get this, brittany is all like mad at me or something because ive got other friends..*I dont know who da hell she thinks shes talkin bout* But seriously wat does she want me to do? Stop being friends wif everyone, and like not talk at skool or anywhere else, jus to her? Does she do dat? No! Would i ask her to do dat ever? No! *Well maybe* Would i ever drop all my friends jus fo her..? Yesh! I would do anything fo her..even become da loner of my skool..
I wonder if she understands dat i feel da same way bout her n her friends..ex Courtney n OMFG ex EMILY!! Dats why i give her sucha hard time bout em..sometimes i wish dat it could jus be summer again, and it would only be us..all day long we'd talk, and i wouldnt have to wrry bout how close shes gettin wif Emily or Courtney or whoever da hell else..cuz i'd have her to talk wif almost every single day all day long..But den skools gotta get in da way..icky! =(
I dont think she completly understands jus exactly wat she means to me tho..i dont even know how to explain all dat i feel bout her *dat sounds gay* But seriously, shes da best friend dat ive ever had..and i dont know wat i would do without her..seriously i cant imagine my life without her..i wouldnt have any reason to wake up in da morning..Yah im friends wif alotta other ppl, but its diff..way diff..i could never be friends wif anyone like i am wif her..cuz theres jus something special bout her..shes da best person in da whole friggin world and urgh i dont know! I luv her sooo friggin much..but i dont know wat im surposed to do here..
Britt tell me wat i sould do..? Anything n ill do it? I jus dont know wat to do? I luv you soo much! Gotta go..you'll be bak in 25 minutes or so..hehe luv you latah chicka!!
love,
me.. =(
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behindmysmile
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2003 10 November :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: calm
Bed time..ZzzzZzzzZ..
Im off to bed now..these days bed is the only place where i feel safe..safe from all of you out there..i wish dat seriously i could jus lay down n sleep forever..i would be in such bliss..sleepin is the only place where i can be completly happy and nobody can say anything about it..nobody can talk shit..nobody will ever know wats going on in dat lil o' head of mine cept me..i like my life dat way..
I wish i could jus become a mute..wif no voice..no emotions..dat would be wonderful..too bad eh?
Omfg t day i was tryin soo f'ing hard to be happy, and ya knw wat someone *one of my kinda good friends* asked me?! What guy i fucked last nite?! OHHH I SWEAR I WAS BOUT TO FUCKIN KILL HER!! Like im some kind of whore or some shit..too bad Becky Dawn was there..*and mr mcdowell* i would have seriously fuckin killed her slutty ass! Shes more slutty den me!! urgh i fuckin hate ppl at our skool..how fuckin imature..den after dat she went round skool,sayin dat she was bout to fite me but i backed down, yah my ass dats why she was da one fuckin hiding behind mr mcdowell..urgh!!!
hey at least i made someones day semi better..not dat i really did it cuz it was all her..but ya know..
J d shortier 623: howdy:-)
BlondieC93: hey i took ur advice and i tried to hav a good day
J d shortier 623: really?!
J d shortier 623: wat happeend?1
BlondieC93: i had a bad morning an awesome mid mornin/ afternoon AND A HORRIBLE AFTERNOON i found out dat my boyfriend david like(d) some else and yea it was 1 big mess but i was calm and i thought wut wuld jill want me to do in this situtaion ((and i thought well duh whtevr would make me happy)) and so i wrote david i note saying tht i still wanted to go out wit him ((AND WE STILL ARE)) but it wuld take a lot of convincin 4 me to belive he doesnt like her anymore and we wuld try to still hav a realtionship
BlondieC93: but yea tht was pretty much it and i gtg now cuz i gotta wake up early and i read ur journal and im sry u had a bad day and whenevr ur feeling sad and tht kno one loves u remember this:: CHELSIE LOVES YOU!!!!!!
HOPE U HAV A AWSUM DAY TOMMOROW LUV YA LOTZ
BlondieC93 signed off at 9:30:06 PM.
In only 5 minutes of time..she made me feel alotta better t day..and im sure she really didnt even mean to..geesh if only 5 minutes werent sucha long time..Im not even good enough fo 5 minutes from da rest of ya?
wateva im gong to bed now bye!
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behindmysmile
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2003 10 November :: 8.42pm
:: Music: Damn--youngbloodz! *sings*
*If you dont give a damn, we dont give a fuck!*
I wish that fo one day..i could stand up straight, hold my head up high, and look everyone in the eye..
AND TELL EM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET A FUCKIN LIFE!!
Im soo fuckin sick of ppl talkin shit, like seriously, why cant we either *all get along* or jus leave eachother *the fuck alone* Wat is soo hard bout dat?!
One day, im gonna be outta here..one day ill be living somewhere soo much better than here..and im gonna look bak on these days, while i was sittin here wasting my life away depressing over every lil thing, and im jus gonna laugh, and move on wif my life, and forget about all of these things dat have happened, and everything will be happily ever after.. =)
Yah fuckin rite..like dat will ever fuckin happen! I dont care anymore..theres nuffin to care bout anymore..
If i were to jus lay down n die the most painful death rite now, this very second, it would be better than the pain im endearing rite now..i fuckin hate this..i feel like my head is bout to explode..i cant stop like thinkin bout everything, like im seriously goign crazy..within my head..and everyone around me jus thinks dat everything is perfect and nobody will believe me dat inside im DIEING, and its driving me even more nuts! And i cant take this anymore..im crying on the inside, and its killing me..
I need thee, where art tho in thy time of despair? *shakespere* Amazin man rite there..its funny how he can take words from hundreds of years ago, and they can be da ones i need to say to you rite now..
I will miss wat we once had..but ill take another breath, ill live another day..
at least i hope..
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behindmysmile
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2003 10 November :: 3.26pm
Yay t day..was absolutly..SHITTY! *sigh* =(
i unno it was okay at some points..but now its jus like blah..i had alotta fun wif Gloria and ex Becky Dawn t day!!
But as soon i get home..and my mom is all rude n shit..and den like yah something else..well geesh there goes my good mood..*watches it fly rite out da window* I unno..
Im not going out to dinner wif my family now..I hate all of em! They all need to seriously jus *accidently* die..cept megan she was there fo me last nite when i was crying she hugged me and like we talked fo a lil bit den she had to leave to go pick up adam but ya know it was still kool of her..Either im going to jus go wif James n a lil bit..or im jus gonna go lay down n sleep..until 2marro..or maybe da next day..maybe i could jus go to bed n never wake up again..
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behindmysmile
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2003 9 November :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Soo yesterday..lizzie mcguire!! HELL YAH!!
Hehe nothing really happened t day..i didnt tell britt dat i was wif brittney t day..hmm im gonna call her so maybe ill tell her den..not dat its a big deal anyway..but still i unno..
I luv brittany soo much! Shes soo friggin awesome! And sooo friggin sweet! I cant believ eim still bestest friends wif her i luv her soo much! hehe!
I also luv my mikey!! Hes so sweet!! Me n my gramz had a talk but him t nite when she called..she said dat he sounded like an awesome dude and shes glad dat i found a good enough guy fo me..shes soo sweet i luv dat lady!! Hehe But den she said something bout askin him if he wanted to go to florida wif me dis winter vaca..n im like uhm well yah ill bring it up..HAH YEAH RITE..we prolly wont even go out dat long =( I unno i jus love dat lady..and she brought up somethng else really awesoem!! Hehe! I luv her! I unno
Lets see nuffin happened t day! Latah everyone!
me..
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behindmysmile
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2003 7 November :: 10.05pm
23 hugs t day! WOo HOo!!
Hehe yah dats rite i didnt do anythign cept go to work and had a few ppl over, but i still got 23 hugs! hehe i luv hugs it makes ppl and myself feel soo much better! heh =)
No britters again t day..ahh oh well..now ill jus have to miss her until maybe 2marro nite? I unno..cuz ive gotta go to work at like 9 and im sure i wont talk wif her den..and i cant call her t nite..oh well..i luv you britters..hope ur havin a great weekend!! hehe luv you!!
I dont know not too much happened t day..me n britt were surrposed to get married t day..i unno if we did or not but oh well hehe i luv her! =) mwaha!
Well im off to bed fo now..cuz like yah 1. Bored 2. ppl r being really gay..n bringin *negative* to my *positive* world mwaha.. 3. No britters 4. Tired..*Snores*5. Gotta wake up early heh =)
Well ill write more 2marro! Much luv to everyone!
Me n Monika's sayin *Dat i made up!!!* *Give hugs not hate* mwahah!
I luv all of you!! Latah..
Love,
me..
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