5-7-04

Dear Amanda:

I got your letter this week and it has taken me this long to read and re-read your words; to get the full message within. Your writing and your poetry are incredible - an attest to your talent as a young authot. Powerful, concise and alive.

It is hard to know where to begin, but important to tell you that I do love you with all of my heart. "When, why, how?" are all questions with no easy answers. I do know that I have written countless e-mails to you that have gone unread. ("status unread" when i check AOL.) I have called many, many times, to have you either hang up on me or not pick up. I have written cards, notes a few words, to hear that you read each word in a very mocking tone to one of your friends. That's why i figured you didnt want to hear my words or hear my voice or hear my side, (if there is a side?), or hear how very much I miss and love you.

You are right, I was cowardly in not sitting down, directly with you, and explaining what the future would hold. However, I did call each day i was gone. I understand that a call is not the same as being honest and taking responsibility for your actions. I tried to talk with you before and after you left for your camping trip with Kelsey's family last summer, but you wouldn't talk. I went to get your hair done at the Mall, and you barely walked with me. I'm not trying to make excuses for what i did or didn't do, but communication was fairly difficult at that time. Additionally, I spent week after week maintaining the house alone, doing food shopping alone, working a longer day, and then driving you back and forth. I spent many, many nights alone, after asking both you and Kaitlin if you wanted to spend some time together. I remember asking, as you entered the house very late on a Saturday night, how the night went. You just climbed the long stairs to your room in silence; in your own world, your own place. I guess I should have tried to talk to you about how unhappy i was. Not unhappy with you or Kaitlin, but in my life. It was so very wrong of me not to share what was going on.

At Christmas when I came, bearing gifts and previous requests to see you, to talk, to take you out to lunch, to get your hair done, to go Christmas shopping, you made sure to have Dad drive you to a friend's at the precise time I was to pick your sister up. Again, I am only offering to point out the times we could have talked, could have cried, could have tried to make some sense of your pain and my percieved selfishness.

I feel in you now, still, all the love that i have always felt. I want you to fly here, and spend the summer. To take sailing lessons with me. To go shopping liek we used to; to walk in the open air courtyard malls; to sit on beaches; to look at the pelicans flying and watch the manatees feed. I want to show you theporpoises, to explore Bush Gardens and Universal Studios together. I want to come back to you even one-eighth of what I was before. I am hoping that you will open the door of your heart just a little to let me stick my head in and ask you how i can dry your tears. How I can redeem a fraction of your previous love for me. I want to make amends if you will tell me how, in your eyes, that can be achieved.

I will always remember and hold dear in my heart your loving and very personal gift to me on Mother's Day, many years ago. A time when every cent you had you spent in bicycling down to Memorial School and buying flowers, and the beautiful garden lantern. And then on Mother's Day, having me close my eyes, and leading me through the trail of flowers you so delicately planted for me. That is the Mother's Day of love forever in my heart; the most unselfish and loving thing that another human being has ever done for me. You are the most wonderful nd the most beautiful daughter a Mom could ever have. I hope that you'll let me back into your life, and into your heart again one day.

Every moment we had together was the greatest moment of my life. I'm so very sorry that I hurt you; that I dissapointed you; that I "ran away" from the one loving body who always stood by me. They always tell you that your parents are to be looked up to and respected. But they are wrong; for you are the one who has survived, and the one that i should be looking up to.

Thank you for giving me the special years as your mother; for giving me the chance to see the most beautiful baby in the world at play at slumber and alive. You were always the chosen one, with the perfect heart. I love you and I am very, very sorry to have hurt that perfect heart...

Mom...

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4-13-04

Dear Amanda,

It has been far too long that we have spoken -- and high time for you to remember that I am still, and always will, be your mother. I love and care for you deeply.

I want you in my life, just as you are always in my heart. I wanted this to happen when you were ready. But now I know that when I come to visit, I will need to follow the Judge's decree which allows me to visit with you.

I know that it has been hard for you; I know that you have felt alone; and I definitely know how very lonely and different holiday time has been for you. However, if you had chosen to abide by the Judge's ruling, you would have been able to at least start to understand my side of things, and to be able to share a little bit of the old holiday memories, mixed in the with new.

Whatever happens between us you must remember that I have always been very, very proud of you; proud of you as my daughter, but also as a toddler and then as a little girl, and finally as a young lady. No matter what you may do in your life, I shall never stop loving you nor will I ever forget how very, very special you are.

From the moment that your soul entered the universe, life would never be the same; for you were here -- a perfect, delicate and incredible source of energy, character and light. You look around and you will see that you alone make the fun times with your friends, extra fun. That you, yourself, make someone's problems seem so insurmountable; and that you, Amanda Elizabeth, sends some sunshine to a stranger with a simple sparkling smile.

I know all of these things. I hope that you do to. You are special. You are significant. You are my daughter.

I love you.

Mom

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