mudpiegrl
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2005 15 March :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: crushed
i'm sorry this is mostly about my mother. but it is my journal and no one gives me nearly as many problems as she does.
today she pissed me off because i gave her a list and asked her to buy me deoderant and tampons because im out of both. i wrote it down specifically, which she always complains no one writes things down, and asked nicely. she asked questions, and i wrote down the type.....specifically so that i wouldnt get mad at her when she bought the wrong thing.
i asked if she bought them and she says:
"no"
"thanks for your help."
"you're welcome!"
"You're horrible."
"i only buy it if it's dire."
"it sort of is. i have no deoderant or tampons."
"i didnt know you were in need."
"Yes. This is how i KNOW tv is more important than me. i gave you the list last night."
"i have things to do."
i called her.
"i had to walk elaine's dogs"
"that takes fifteen minutes. i hardly ask you for anything."
"i have things to do too jorie."
"yea. so do i. g'bye."
"maybe family should be as important as your 5:30 party."
"i'm not your maid."
i called her again:
"you know what you always yell at me for being with elaine and calling gail but gail doesnt know anything about your friends. and you stopped bringing them over because of all the things you tell them about me."
"that's not even the issue. i asked you to get something for me, taking great care to write it all down specifically so that you wouldnt get frustrated that it wasnt right and asked you nicely to get them and you didnt even try. the reason i saked is because im still a little sensitive about buying tampons. and you're right; you arent my maid, but you are my mother. if you werent my mother, id ask my mother to buy them for me, but since you are, you got asked. im sorry im such a huge burden. ill talk to you later."
yes. that's all. it's a little overdone but i hardly ask her for anything. its just upsetting.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 14 March :: 8.39am
from friday morning
Today’s one of those days where I really don’t feel like doing anything calm. I want to run or something. I hate this architectural drawing class. I will not be an architect. They are too quiet and awkward. Why cant he tell funny stories or something? Who wants to design a living room? I would like to wait a few years before I have to do that. Oh well. The point is that this class is boring and I am bored with it’s boring curriculum.
“it’s the perfect time of year, somewhere far away from here.”
I am eating special K. with strawberries. Dehydrated strawberries. They look so sad. I wonder if it hurts them to get dehydrated, because for us, it’s the most painful death. But maybe they’re technically dead when they are plucked from the vine. Strawberries grow on vines like raspberries, right? I wonder what having seeds is like. Do they just randomly burst once a month too? Or is it more like every two hours because a strawberries life span is so much shorter than ours.
If the average woman lives to seventy-five, and from the ages twelve to fifty, she is childworthy, that’s thirty eight years. Multiply that by twelve and you get four hundred and fifty six months. That’s a lot of eggs.
Seventy-five times twelve gets you nine hundred. So four hundred and fifty six divided by nine hundred equals 51%. The percentage of how often we get our menstral cycle is 1/456. So…now that I’ve done all that month work, even though it was unnecessary, a strawberry takes let’s say two weeks to fully develop and die. It probably takes the entire first week to grow useable seeds, which makes sense that it is approximately half it’s life and seeds are good even after death, like a chicken. There are 168 hours in a week. Multiply that by 1/456 and you get .368. Therefore, were a strawberry like us, their seeds would pop every 3 hours and seven minutes. Ours lasts a week, so a strawberry’s would have to equal every three quarters of an hour.
3 ?
672 168
4 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2005 11 March :: 9.40am
:: Mood: Restless
No pressure
Yes. I am quite restless. I can’t sit still. I need to do something. I don’t want to go to band today. I have to tell Lestina my decision about orchestra. And I don’t know what to do. Honestly- right now- I don’t know what the hell I want or who I am or what is going to best influence my future. Lestina gave me a speech yesterday about how every decision I make from this point on is going to shape who I become. Uuummmm…. Is he aware of who he’s talking to? Let’s make this decision a little harder on you and tell you that your future character depends on whether you stay in orchestra or not!!! Sweet! No pressure. Okay. I don’t even know what college I want to go to or what I want to major in or if I want to stay at Rivertree or what I want for lunch. Most of those are life altering decisions. Let’s add orchestra to the list of life altering decisions that still need to be made. Good. I did need more things to not worry about.
Now remember…no pressure. Don’t make yourself crazy over these things! I mean, it’s just everything. But still…don’t drive yourself crazy over them. But the decision needs to be made… right now. Don’t worry though. If you get it wrong, you won’t have another chance. You only have one life. But still…no pressure. No pressure. Patrice…let’s do this. I won’t pressure you, I swear. But I’ll sit here and beg until you say yes. I’ll listen to you…as long as it’s the answer I want. Otherwise there has to be something wrong with you. What’s wrong with you? Nothing? No, it’s not nothing. Tell me. Don’t worry. I won’t get mad. There’s really not nothing wrong with you. Of course I know you better then you know yourself! I can just tell these things. Tell me…but really…no pressure. What? Did you say yes? Sweet. That must mean everything’s okay. Like I said…no pressure. Why do you look sad? You should have said no. Why do you worry like that? You think I won’t want to be with you anymore? Well it’s not true. That doesn’t matter. What? You tried saying no? Well…I’m sorry. Now I’m sad. Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. What? It’s all good. Okay, good. Like I said…no pressure. Patrice…come talk to me! We haven’t talked in ages! Did you do your homework? Yes?! That’s your only answer?! God! You never talk to me! Never! But I understand if you don’t want to. If I’m really that bad of a mother, it’s fine that you hate me. Really. No pressure. What? You’re tired? You want a day to relax? Well…I understand. Quit your job! Really! We’ll pay for everything! We told you we’ll only pay for a part of college…but hey! Who needs to pay tuition?! Like I said…quite working. You don’t need the money… Really…no pressure. What? Me? Depressed? No way! I’m happy now! In two minutes though, I’ll be sad again. And it’ll probably be your fault! Why? Why not! Because if I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t be in this situation, I wouldn’t be married. I would be happy with my life. And you guys just keep bring me further and further down as I realize how much you hate me. But really…be honest with me. No pressure.
That probably makes no sense at all. But the bell’s going to ring soon and my eyes feel like they’re about to light on fire and fall out of my head.
PS- I’m insane. Just so you know.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2005 10 March :: 9.23am
:: Mood: exanimate
Nazi Librarians
News of the day: Xanga is officially blocked on school computers. Gasp. I know. How am I going to be updated on everyone’s lives?! It’s a monstrosity. Wow, I spelled that right on the first try. I truly am a god. But really…what’s it going to help blocking Xanga from us? Because if you have a Xanga you probably have a billion other journals which aren’t blocked. So I guess it’s back to woohuing for me. ::shrugs:: It’s more fun anyways. Plus I know the thousands of you that read this journal will need updates o my life as well. :-P
So. I feel stupid. You want to know something? I’m a bad person. I’m a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad sister, a bad daughter. Ryan got mad at me last night for not being…what’s that word? I don’t know. For being the one who sits and waits for him to say or do something. And the thing is… I know I do it. And I’ve known that it bothered him. Why do I do it then? I’m scared. God, I’m so scared. If I take the initiative, what if he doesn’t want to return it… you know? I know. I’m being stupid. But…god. He was telling me all these things that I don’t do and how it kind of bothers him. Simple things that should be completely obvious to me. Which they are, I just am evil and terrible and do nothing about it. What he said makes sense and I feel bad.
But, I don’t know. He got mad…well not mad…annoyed because I’ll be hugging him and then I’ll lose my balance and you know me…I’m a klutz. Plus…he’s taller then me. So to hug him I stand on my toes sometimes. Don’t ask me why. Then he’ll move and me…leaning on him while standing on my toes.... isn’t aware that he’s going to move, so therefore I lose my balance. I don’t know. Everything he said makes sense. But I’m clumsy beyond belief. After seeing a movie I can’t walk out of the theatre without tripping over my own feet. It’s not like I mean to lose my balance so often. So I don’t know what to think.
He deserves much better then me. In my eyes at least. I really really don’t think I deserve him. He’s so nice to me and I freak out about the stupidest things and he puts up with it. Holy hell. I just sound crazy now. You know what? I’m just really bad at showing that I care about him. You would think the girl is the one who gets annoyed because her boyfriend shows no emotion. But no. It’s quite the opposite in Patrice land. Quite scary, eh?
I just feel bad for not being good enough. And that’s my story. So it’s official. I’m heartless and cold and I need to be unselfish. ::nods::
I just took this allergy stuff to make me feel better. On the bright side…I can breath. The darker side…I can barely stay awake. Gov is going to be good fun today. ::commands you to sense the sarcasm:: But I am getting a smoothie after school maybe. Which rocks my socks which are really my brother’s but I ran out of socks today so I’m wearing them. My mom wants to get me tested to see if I’m anemic. But every time I think of that I word I say ameobic. Like amoebas. Hm. I want to write an email to someone. I wonder if aol works on these Nazi computers.
I still have the Kimis and her Smithis in my binder thing. It’s weird. Remind me to take it out. Just because it seems that I have a Kimis obsession. Which…as you all know…I do. But I can’t show it. Pish. Urgh. My eyes are starting to hurt. So this is where I stop. Adios mi mejores. (What does that mean? I don’t know either…)
4 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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sweetyas
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2005 9 March :: 10.55pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Nelly-Suit
Getting depressed AGAIN
You guys i hate this. I know i dont have depression and im not suicidal. But this random feeling of overwhelming sadness is killing me. Did u know i cried last night? Yea i dont cry, ever. I hate crying its an evil bitch. But i just couldnt handle life. I know i have it really good right now. I have pretty much everything i want. But im so damn lonely. I think a big part of it is that i dont express my problems with people.
Let's just be honest, i'm lost. I feel like i have to make my friends hang out with me. I'm having issues with melanie and just cant tell her. Omg does that girl not know me. i totally missed up my college applications. I so shud have applied to UofI but didnt. It would be the only college i could dorm at.
My parents hate me. Not me hate them, thye hate me. i cant get along with my brothers. i just wan tt o leavet hsi stupid country. i want to go alone somewhere. I want to do my awesome dream trip that will never happen. I wanted to go to the middle east thsi summer, but as we get closer i can see that im not going. I was so excited. But my mom had to do the trip last month during school/hell week. Now, when we talk about the summer trip its like we might go, maybe. not sure. And im just so pissed.
im screwed for life. im going to end up in a loveless abusive marriage with three kids and working in a job that i hate.
I aint lying, i'll see you in ten years.
1 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 4 March :: 7.24pm
so i definatly want to see cirque du soliel somewhere......i would go to australia to see them.......hell that'd be super awesome.
i want to see a broadway show really badly.......or even go to london
oh man
how about just a really big show in chicago......im supposed to go with jill and i really hope i can!
i also want to get my molars pulled.....
oh my lungs got all tied up when i was looking at the cirque stuff...
theres a show in toronto from the fourth to the twenty eighth of august!!!
i would drive myself up there just to see it.......and spend the seventy dollars on it!!!!
oh god........
going somewhere else would not only cure my desire to see it, but my desire to see something other than suburbia and fucking america!
ahhhhhhhh
i need to calm down i cant breathe......
oh i wanna meet gir too which i might be able to do!!!!!!!
know where.........someplace
know when......the week of JC......crap.
oh well ill be like gir is more important than running crew!!!
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 3 March :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Cirque Du Soliel- Saltimbanco
this is frustration
so what do you do when people are on your ass about college, your best friend doesnt even understnad your lonlienss an you have to hurt some guy cuz you dont even know how to handle relationships anymore?
you sit.
you're sick of losing friends, but used to it and its almost to the point where you would just accept it when it happens, as you know it's going to. you've come to the realisation that in three months, all friendships will be obsolete anyway. and that boyfriend you had, he's still just as dumb, and there's no chance of holding anyone tha close for a long, long time. you now understand love and the lack thereof. you are hating your parents currently because they arent even trying to understand where you are from, but expecting you to pull your life together easily. what do you do when everyone else has someone to tie the knot at the end of the stitches, but you are holding the fabric and trying to tie with your teeth. what do you say to yoruself when you find out you arent needed in even your own life?
you sit.
you wait.
say hello to nothing.
because nothing is there.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2005 28 February :: 9.22am
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Is it really a brotherhood?
Yes sir..A brotherhood!
This weekend was overall coolish. Strike was fun. The fan club will never die. And neither will my space contacts. Tehehe. Oh man. I wish I was a freshman again. Wouldn’t that be fun? I think it would. Much woopage to the Sandy Kimis. ‘Tis soooo cute. Haha. Okay, really. I have to stop procrastinating. Poo Pooo Poooooo.
2 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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sweetyas
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2005 5 February :: 6.32pm
Random Poem I read
They asked mark about his family.
And he said he had none.
They asked mark about his friends,
and he smiled and asked
"You still believe in friends."
~Anon.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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sandatthebeach
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2005 2 February :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "Just moved into to 14G...."
Peanut Butter Cups
::sigh::
I'm so frustrated with myself...I'm frustrated because I don't know why I'm so frustrated.
Oh fuck. I just remembered two things: Round table discussion in US History which means I should probably go and review some things so I don't look like a total retard during class tomorrow and I was going to change my person for my resesarch paper in US History because I couldn't find any information on him...but I forgot. She wanted the sign ups to be done by today...and I forgot. Fuck. I'll talk to her before 8th period tomorrow...she likes me...maybe she'll let me change?
I hate myself sometimes.
I'm really worried about the show...and just stuff....self doubt is coming back...and it sucks.
And I'm really pissed because all my motivation has disappeared and all I want to do is eat and sleep...hence the immense weight gain. It's disgusting...I can feel myself being bigger. I say this as I eat pringles. God.
I just want to quit life. I don't want to go to school anymore...I don't want to take ACTs.....I just want to quit life.
Ok, I'm just continue end my complaint here otherwise this entry will be wayyyy too long.
Always, Sandy
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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