Black roses and Silver tears

home | profile | guestbook

Black roses and Silver tears

recent entries | past entries

:: 2004 24 December :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Mannheim Steamroller Christmas Extrodinare

christmas eve eve
i want to go back to writing. i miss it. and drawing.

i saw finding neverland tonight with the sandy kim and trixy. it was really good. i cried.

i love spending time with them. they made the day not crappy, which, had i gone to festivus, it would have been. but instead we went to stunkels and movie and made cookies and opened presents. it was a party! really, it was the bestest "festivus" minus wrestling and confessions ever!

everyone got me zim stuff! yay! i love this show.

two minutes before christmas eve.

and the incubus dvd "alive at red rocks".

apparently, im predictably obsessive.

im going to drop neils present off in his mail box.

then leave a message.

no need to see him apparently.

so much for ice skating.

he's upsetting. i hate how you can have the most wonderful days and then come home and all the bad stuff rushes back to your head as if tomorrow will never come with more time to think about it. you dont get the opportunity to bask in the goodness of one day.

i hate home.

i'm going to re-read this journal some time from now and realise how odd my life went. how much i changed and what went wrong in things.

ill remember what i never wrote because i didnt need to; still having photographic evidence in my brain.

yay for not caring to scrapbook. scrapbooking captures only good times. people always are smiling in the pictures. they make you miss people because you remmeber how funny they are/were. but a journal remembers your emotions toward that person at certain times, and correctly dates (sometimes) the events, therefore organizing them chronologically.

im going to go to bed. goodnight and sweet dreams of a person you know you cant have.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 23 December :: 12.24pm

Kelly, I owe you moneys.

What're we going to do for New Year's Eve?

I love you all.

14 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 23 December :: 11.09am

It's the day before Christmas Eve! It's that awesome day that almost feels double awesome!

We have icing snow on the ground. Like a cake. I love snow. I hope we get tons and tons on Christmas Eve.

I'm going to try to get out to Nick's today, if only for a little bit. I don't know if that will happen.

I need to get my father's present then I'm done.

I still don't have all my friends' presents but I don't see you all for another whole week anyway.

I love you all.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 22 December :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: who cares?

there are so many of those moods that i am. very indifferent to all the presents people are giving me. i love them but then the situation's still the same so its like a momentary high. im frustrated with my mum. i just want to be left alone because its not something anyone understands apparently. they tell me to talk to him but how am i supposed to talk to someone who tells me "dont be mad at me"? so im angry at that and sad cuz he's not being a boyfriend. ive seen him three of the six days he's been home, which hasnt been since thanksgiving. festivus is clearly more important than getting his gift. i promise i wont call him until after christmas, except to say merry christmas to him and his family.

my lips are dry and hurt. my body hurts and im exhausted. i just want to sleep, but the more i think about neil, the more prospective all the above (or below) listed guys sound. i want to persue jeramiah, even if only for a week in january (he lives in rockford). stunkel'd be fun too, but i wouldnt want to leave him at home. it's too tough of a situation. matt smith is by far the hardest to pass up.

today i went to his house and he's so comfortable and gentle, yet playful and not nervous. he leaned over me to look at the cd that i asked him a question about cuz it was on the table, and i just wanted to kiss him. im really having difficulty.

neil didnt even try to get me to the door to say goodbye. i dont think he cares that im being distant. either that or he hasnt noticed.

hm...where'd that come from? i think i drooled on my pants.

goodnight. im going to work tmro. i sort of like not having a life. relationships dont change in your head if you dont keep up with them.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 22 December :: 8.36pm
:: Music: There is No There by The Books

So I was playing Fable and listening to my Indie music and I noticed the lyrics of this song. It's actually a sound clip of Einstein commenting on Ghandi.

"I believe that Gandhi's views were the most enlightened of all the political men in our time. We should strive to do things in his spirit: not to use violence in fighting for our cause, but by non-participation in anything you believe is evil."

This is all there is...

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 22 December :: 11.52am

I gave my Woohu invite code to someone I don't know.

She e-mailed me asking if I still had mine and if she could have it. So I gave her mine.

She's 17, lives in New York, capitalizes, drinks and smokes! I've got my own little delinquent!

She said she wanted the code because Woohu is the only journal site her school doesn't block.

And I felt like being nice.

Plus she's still in school and Christmas Eve is in two days.

Don't be mean to her. I bring you, Kimberly!

This makes me giggle. I didn't write it, so don't kill me.

"Time's Person of the Year [is] not an award given to the most loved person. It's given to the person who had the most influence over the year.

In 1938, Adolf Hitler was Time's Man of the Year. It's not a popularity contest - it's about newsmakers. That simple.

Please - let's keep this in mind.

(and, on that note, I fucking hate Bush, think he's a shitbag and am rooting for the pretzels)."

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 22 December :: 10.59am

Aw. I just finished watching the Year of the Rat music video. That is the cutest thing on the face of the earth. I love it. Thanks, Tracey. It makes me want to give everyone hugs.

I love you all.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 21 December :: 7.51pm
:: Music: Twiztid - I'm Alright

Suicide
If I were to kill myself, I'd want this song to be played at the funeral.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 21 December :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: was Nightmare b4 xmas

im bored. shonsky's fixing the vcr-reciever-tv-cd connection. not for me to do. yay...cheerleaders...

its a video from two years ago. a senior video.

so last night i sort of flipped out and stunkel, mushroom, and campy were there. i feel bad but my mum was being super bitch again. she wouldnt believe that i was at the mall. she thought i meant that i had been there from ten in the morning until eleven at night. had she looked at the book that i gave her of all the things i have planned, she would have known that. also, had she just asked, she would have understood. i originally got mad cuz i have never done anything to give her a reason not to trust me. i dont drink, smoke or drugs, i dont steal, i havent gotten a speeding ticket, im doing better with my grades.

so now it's 1:26am on 22 december. im no longer at work. im even more exhasted now. i went to allstate, and then worked....and worked, oh and guess what? worked while other people were partying where i work. this is the second time im typing this cuz i hit something and it all went away.

i spent the day with stunkel on monday. he is so fun, he makes you feel good. he makes you laugh so much you forget everything else in your life. now that i think about it, thats why i want to go back to allstate. i am so busy, within three straight days, i thought about my family and shitiness for a whole ten minutes. thats 10/2160 minutes. matt smith makes me feel good about myself. he knows the right thing to say and he's not afraid to be close. jeremiah is at allstate. he's sooo cool. i almost wish i didnt have neil just so i could flirt and joke and not feel bad about it. i actually dont that much anymore. angela and laura killed the ultra flirtiness; now its just fun. all these guys are smart and can figure out that girls dont want to be ditched for certain stuff, other things of which they could be taken to and be included. or even be ignored.

btw, i think neils ignoring me. granted, he's sick. but when im sick, (and everyone i know), i want to be around someone special, just to be held. but he told me not to come. and he didnt come to my show. and he wont come to the other. he wont come to stunkels because he's going to festivas. so ive seen my boyfriend 2/5 of the days he's been home, when i havent seen him since thanksgiving.

jens sort of getting the point, but i know she still has more interesting things to think of. i should have been telling her all my frustrations last night, but shes never there for me anymore...not that she was ever easy to talk to.

my horoscope today said basically that because ive been "doggedly persueing my future", a get-together would "make [me] realise how much [i] really mean to people."

it makes sense. i still feel sad though. i dont want to be like YKW.

i want to go ice skating. i wanted to go with neil, but i dont know if that'll happen. i dont want to finish his xmas present because i got him and i matching rings. i want to get frames for our homecoming and prom pictures. maybe ill just get an xbox controller (used) and be done.

im exhausted. g'night. sweet dreams of "the one hiding under your stairs with fingers like snakes and spiders in [his] hair!"

Are you crying?

:: 2004 20 December :: 12.11pm
:: Music: System of a Down - Highway Song

I need, I feel, a love,
You love to love the fear,
I never want to be alone,
I've forgotten to.

The road keeps moving clouds,
The clouds become unreal,
I guess I'll always be at home,
Do you want me to try,
Directing your night.

An exit lights the sky,
The sky becoms complete,
Traveling hearts divine the throne,
I've forgotten to.

Friction, lines, bumps,
The highway song complete,
the signs are all tuning right,
Do you want me to try,
Directing your night,
Want me to try,
Directing your light.

The purest forms of life,
Our days are never coming back,
The cannons of our time,
Our days are never coming back,
The purest forms of life,
Our days are never coming back,
The cannons of our time,
Our days are never ever coming back.

Our days are never coming back,
Our days are never coming back,
Our days are never coming back.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 20 December :: 10.14am

So the TSO concert last night rocked, as always.

My only complainant was that I was uncomfortable and I like to keep my retinas for later use.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 20 December :: 1.00am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: nightmare before xmas

allstate...again...
so today was not all that bad...a few things went wrong on the show but eh, what can you do? hopefully downstate, stage left will know whats going on...

People Who Were Supposed to Come:
Mum
Dad
Elaine
Steve
Dorthea
Bernard
Jen
Mushroom
Neil
Natalia
Campy

Who ACTUALLY Came
Jen
Mushroom
Mum
Dad

i was really upset
neil didnt come. jen didnt comment on much
neil most likely wont go to the performance in champaign
i figured jen'd forget, but im proud of her for not
but i have to say that im sad she didnt even critisize, almost as if she fell asleep.

it's something thats really important to me. like normal shows are important, but i would hope that my closest friends and neighbours and such would care enough to come. oh well though.

one good thing came out of it.

my dad said that we have to talk about this school thing next year. he said "you cant go to CLC and actually go somewhere. you arent going to be focused on theatre, you're going to be too involved in other things. you know how you are."

I'm sort of happy about that.

i dont know.

the ISU kids were sorta mean about my portfolio. i have to redo pretty much everything, and the things that took the most work and i was most proud of just went ::woosh:: while they fell off the page.

neils sick

elaines sick

dorthea threw out her back

dogs still in pain from her "removal"

and jeramiah is perfect; a secret obsession, i guess.

if you care to ask, ill let you know...

or if im in the mood, ill tell you anyway...

sleep now...work tmro.....and the next day.

this break sucks so far and we're three days in.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 19 December :: 11.34am

I'm not even going to try to talk today. I'll just whisper.

Yesterday, my mom wanted to go look at Christmas trees "for the ambiance" and because she's such a Christmas nut. She just wanted a wreath but us chitlins saw this cute, forsaken Charlie Brown tree for only four dollars so we ended up getting that too.

My voice sort of came back during that time. It was back to that squeaky breaking thing that it was on Friday.

I haven't talked yet today. I don't want to. I'm tired of not being able to talk and just getting teased or not being heard or being called annoying.

I'll drink lots of water.

Dude! My mom just said my name and, by reflex, I answered her. I can almost talk normally again. It just sounds a little weird.

I'm hungry, I'm hot, I'm stinky, and I'm going to go.

I think everyone needs to/should go see Nick at least once during break. Even if you're just going to give him a hug and then you're going to leave again.

I love you all.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: sad

I'm in a horrible mood and I apologize in advance to anyone I might snap at.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.44am
:: Mood: awake

Don't take advantage of your ability to talk!
For the first time in my life, I have laryngitis.

I cannot speak above a whisper. My whisper is a whisper. My normal voice is a whisper.

It's exhausting. It doesn't hurt or anything but the effort it takes to talk just wears me out.

(What am I doing up so early? I fell asleep early last night so I guess that's it.)

My parents are taking us all shopping later today (hopefully) so I'll get you all your presents and get them to you soon. Somehow.

I can't wait until I can drive.

I love you all.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 9.35pm

I'm no super genius. Or are I?
Voice update, I suppose.

I'm fluctuating between having to whisper and just having my voice sound really deep.

This happened after I stopped talking for a while but at least I could sort of talk.

I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and I haven't talked for an hour.

So I'm just going to not talk for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow.

Which, I'm sure, comes as a great pleasure to many people.

My parents went shopping and eating, my brother's at a party and my sister is upstairs writing her award-winning novel. So it's pretty easy to not talk. I'm sitting here, bored, listening to music on the random music stations on the stupid TV.

Wow. This break sure looks promising. Sarcasm, sarcasm.

Every time I cough, I can't help but think of that orphan girl on the one episode of The Simpsons. "But who will cure my whooping cough?" That was the most hilarious random ten-second thing ever. That was on the pie man episode. I have to find that now.

I love you all.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 2.57pm

Funny things

what the hell is this?

Just pretend that its a taco

the doughnut got excited

bassoon kid has a bigger stick because his is made of wood

someome should stick a really hot french fry in your eye

i miss my cupcake

moron

sexuals

meeting at caribou on thrursday! 10 am!

grab the gym teachers balls

chair races

and thats all i can think of...today was a fun day! party on dudes! WInter break starts in 15 minutes!!! :)

Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 2.51pm

Okay.

So if you talked to me at all today, you ~~saw~~ heard my progression from me to a pre-teen boy whose voice is changing.

For some reason, my voice totally crapped out on me today. In was fine yesterday but during first hour, it started to crack and after our presentation in second hour, it crapped out on me.

It was the funniest if you saw me progress through the day. It's still funny enough that Katie almost choked on her food at lunch, Ben would not stop making fun of me and Nick thought it was so hilarious that he passed the phone to his mom so she could hear me.

It's cool, really. This kid in my Japanese class had to look away while I was talking to him so he didn't laugh in my face.

My throat doesn't hurt. In fact, it only hurts when I force my voice to sound like it normally does.

I think I'm going to grab my dry-erase board and wander around with that for the rest of the day.

I'll probably be on the messenger a lot tonight.

I better be able to talk tomorrow or I'm going to be upset.

I can't even laugh right.

How do I make it go back to normal?

I love you all.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 8.38am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: ::type, type, type:: of patrices computer

Friday morning in the library
In a much better mood today. Patrice made me laugh. Shes good at that. The kid sitting in front of me has a duck on his shirt�Kthat��s weird for a boy. I suppose it depends what it says though. He��s looking at cars online. And typing something. Then there��s people who are writing papers and this is one of the few times I can stretch out and say ��ahh�Kno papers to do.�� It��s freeing really. You should try it.

Today is the last school day for a while. I have to leave early for allstate. It scared me this morning when Christine came to my door and rung the doorbell.

I don��t want to leave. Im going to miss frouny. And I kinda like school. ��

Oh well I guess. Preview of summer I suppose.

Neils coming tonight too. Which I should be excited about, but oddly enough, im not. In fact, im only scared and extremely nervous. Look my arms shaking�Koh�Knevermind�Kthat would be the fact that it hurts from typing.

Patrice is typing in an orange box.

Last night I called neil, which I know I shouldn��t do. I think ill take his name off my phonebook just so that I don��t. I know it by heart though�Kits okie I can second guess myself if I don��t just press four.

I did my best not to complain. He told me I wont have a life if I work all the time but I told him its okie cuz id just be bored otherwise. I don��t think he knows what its like to be idling in between friendships and stages of life. He��s a boy who doesn��t do too much paying attention. I feel like a car�Kidling.

Yay�Kone minute.

Happy holidays to the school�K

Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 6.17am

Nick's home.

Ben and I went over to Nick's and hung out with him, Jackie and eventually Pam.

We watched Collateral and the rest of I, Robot. I missed half of I, Robot before because I had fallen asleep. I missed some of Collateral because I fell asleep again.

Nick's doing alright. He's still in a lot of pain, which makes me sad, but all pain stops eventually.

If you can, you should go see him and give him a hug or something.

My cold has progressed into a cough that came out of nowhere.

I'm making up an AP Lit quiz before school on a poem that I haven't read and don't know the name of.

I studied for my French quiz in my sleep which weirds me out a lot.

I didn't do any homework last night but I don't care.

It's the last day before break.

Nick's home.

Life is good.

I love you all.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 16 December :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: the furnace

frustation
I'm in latin. i want to write this to jen, but i9 know it is something so futile to her that she won't care. She is enveloped in herself and mushroomness.

Today, at lunch, we had a "family meeting". We discussed my needing to clean, tyler's unspecified grocery list, mum's patience, and the family's drinking habits. We were pretty objective through the most of it; it was a meeting to tell mum we are worried about her drinking. I began by saing how i dilike drinking so much and how it's embarressing that even my friends dont respect her through all her drunkenness. She says shell cut down. Who believes her but herself? Tyler proposed extracting all alcohol from the house. Dad offered an appointement with this counsler with whom he had to sort out his D.U.I. She denied it all and said she'd figure it out on her own. She said she needs a month to sx weeks. By 16 Januar, we will be rid of alcohol, if all goes accordingly. It wont through. But i think im the only on who kmnows that.

Th other uncoverd issue of my pathetic exhistence is my fear of neil breaking up with me. i think he's sick of dealing with me...

then again, in the bathroom i was just thinking how jen had me to care for her and now that something new has come in, she forgot about what i might need in return from her. and then thinking neil doesnt want me.

its odd, because both my brother and my pasts were very independent, at least mine anyway. we dont know what its like to have soemone genuinely care about us and the things we do. So the slightest bit of not paying attention lands me in exactly the same spot i hate people when they're in.

i've been talking to patrice which is good...i dont have to depend on neil, the kid who would rather talk to his floormates and play video games, or hope to talk to jen in the next week. not that patrice is a last resort. i try to leave people alone as much as i can. patrice hates being left out too and so id rather hang out with her than someone who is included and doesnt care to talk about depressing subjects, or rather, listen to me at all.

i figure ill be in trouble for this one, too. but then i figure i'd rather than not say antyhign. i think ill just write in this from now on because its a hell of a lot easier than trying to incorporate emotion into a conversation.

jen is no fair and i dont l,ike it. some best friend i guess...

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 15 December :: 6.25pm

Nick's mommy just called.

He's been in the recovery room since 4 and is in a lot of pain but he's on drugs and doing fine.

Everything went cool. He had some bone growth they weren't expecting and didn't think they could get through but it went smoothly.

He'll be in a room as soon as they get one cleaned so he's in recovery until then.

Mrs. Hazen was going to call around to people, I think, so we'll see what happens.

She said she'll call when he's in a room.

I love you all. Thanks for the prayers and all that jazz.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 15 December :: 4.47pm

I didn't know
Xmas has been used for hundreds of years in religious writing, where the X represents a Greek chi, the first letter of, "Christ." In this use it is parallel to other forms like Xtian, "Christian." But people unaware of the Greek origin of this X often mistakenly interpret Xmas as an informal shortening pronounced (ecks mas). Many therefore frown upon the term Xmas because it seems to them a commercial convenience that omits Christ from Christmas.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 15 December :: 1.01pm

Penny Arcade on Spike TV's Video Game Awards and gamers:
I think that the process started by Sony's Playstation is now one hundred percent complete. I think that what has happened is that we [the gamers] are no longer relevant. Gaming culture has been seized, reconfigured, and commodified and programs like this are just the taut skin over a pulsing boil.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 15 December :: 12.34pm

Nick called about an hour ago.

He's doing alright. He was just waiting around.

His surgery is scheduled for 1.

He's hungry, hates hospital gowns and blankets, bored and anxious.

He said the surgery will take 4 hours and he'll be in recovery for an hour or so.

He hopes to be coherent by 7 tonight and thinks he will be.

Mrs. Hazen is going to call everyone once he is coherent but doesn't think he'll be tonight.

He'll be in the hospital for maybe four days then stuck at home for ten days.

So by the time you all get home, he'll still be in surgery.

Wish him well.

I love you all. Thanks bunches.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 14 December :: 10.50pm

Staying home tomorrow to get better.

Sent Wessely-sensei an email telling her to put Jerry Lacey in charge of anime club but if someone could please inform her (either that I sent her an email or that I'm putting Fire Sandwich in charge), I'd love you even more.

Sorry that Nick didn't come see you Katie. I feel really bad but he was being a guy and they got a new computer...

Tomorrow Nick has his surgery. Wish him well.

I love you all.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 14 December :: 6.16am
:: Mood: refreshed

Last night, I took some medicine before I went to bed and (although I woke up a thousand times during the night) I feel a lot better.

Cool beans.

Nick goes in for surgery tomorrow at 1. He has to be at the hospital around 11. Please, keep him in your thoughts, pagan rituals, rain/snow dances and prayers.

I love you all.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 10.33pm

This is how i feel, dont talk to me about it

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 6.02pm

Kelly, here's that goat thing.

For some reason, sometime, Kelly and I were over at Ben's and got on the topic of The Three Billy Goats Gruff. Kelly and I could not remember the ending so we googled it and found that.

It's the coolest thing ever. My favorite is the teenager goat.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 5.32pm

I think I'm getting a cold.

Which means everyone should be careful. If I am sick, I'll be better in a few days but if you guys get it...

You know it'll be weeks until you're better.

So I'll try not to breathe on you and I guess we'll have to stop the late night rendezvous and make-out sessions. Someone will have to inform Kelly's mom for me.

I had some tea and five billion glasses of orange juice earlier. My throat doesn't hurt as much but I still feel like I got hit by a truck.

If I didn't have tests or quizzes almost every day this week, I'd try to skip out on this usual waste of school.

I know everyone is sick now and I really hope you all get better soon! Go to bed early and drink lots of fluids.

I love you all.

P.S. If Nick gets sick, I'll feel so bad... ~~I think I might die. I'll feel really bad.~~ I'll never forgive myself.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

Woohu.com | Random Journal