Black roses and Silver tears

:: 2004 26 March :: 7.14pm

New background, new journal position, semi new colors, new journal title and new icon.

I'm as bored as jello.

P.S. Kelly, this is for you.

P.P.S. I fixed the background so it covers the whole screen. Looks sort of crappy over on the right but it's okay.

:: 2004 26 March :: 5.10pm
:: Music: A Mind of Her Own by Pedro the Lion

How dare you turn on me now, right when I need you most...
Life makes me mad.

Everything is so illogical.

People are mean and generally suck.

Life is quite boring.

Everything is so smurfing...

It pisses me off.

It doesn't make me mad as much as it just upsets me.

That's the sort of smack that leaves a bruise.

I'm sorry.

At least I have my good friend Pedro the Lion...

It's killing me... forget about it...

I love you all.

:: 2004 24 March :: 11.05pm

Sometimes I forget...

"The farthest distance you will have to cross isn't an ocean or mountain, it's the twelve inches between your head and your heart. You will spend a lot of your life arguing between the two. Just remember that love is more rare than rules of reality."

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 24 March :: 10.08pm
:: Music: soundscapes

my four biggest worries for the end of the year/next year:

~losing boyfriend

~losing half of friends/all of friends

~failing/ having to take classes again

~moving away

any of the above topics are saddening, in fact, if i start talking about them, ill cry...

:: 2004 24 March :: 6.15pm

I chickened out on talking to my mom. I'll do it later.

I've discovered that some of the things I do are really stupid. And I'd like to apologize. I don't know what I was thinking...

Are you crying?

:: 2004 23 March :: 10.38pm

I'm going to "go with the flow"

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 23 March :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: silencio

its all okie now...
hola all...thank you to jill for calling me and letting me know my little issue with mr neil. i talked to him...we walked...and watched the sunset over the lake, listening to the geese talk to each other. i told him that i expect him to know better, especially since we've been through this before, in which case i could also talk to goli, but i cant really in this episode. i told him if expects me to respect his wishes in not commenting about his mismatching or bad smell at odd moments (if you dont know, dont assume...you can ask...if you care), i also expect him to respect the fact that i get jealous and that it makes me nervous...
what's worse: he knew he was doing it! it was funny cuz he says i was walking with my hand on her shoulder today after class (jill sayd neck but eh) and later on says i wasnt even near her today...i was like uh huh...it was kinda hard to have your hand on her shoulder if you werent close to her. he's talked to chris about it before...i've talked to trix and jill about it before...my parents have noticed. its bad when i notice...worse when my girl friends notice...but when the guys notice as well...thats awful, 'specially since they're pretty flirty too. even more to my disappointment, he had talked to chris about it recently, and apparently only noticed in the last week...
...but he seemed to understand where i was coming from and decided to talk to her and stop the madness...and my jealousy...a girlfriend should not be jealous of other girls flirting wtih her boyfriend. okie...history paper...thanks again guys

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 23 March :: 7.50pm

I want to get into modeling.

Not majorly. It's just something I want to try.

I mean, I'm really skinny and I might as well do something with it.

And maybe I can get some extra cash.

I don't know. My mom has always said I should look into it. Now I want to.

So I'm going to talk to my mom about it tomorrow when she picks me up from anime club.

It never hurts to try. We'll see what happens.

I love you all.

:: 2004 23 March :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Pedro the Lion

In time, memories fade
If you really want to make it, you had best remember this...

I love you all very much. No matter what stupid things I do, I will always love you. No matter what you do, I will always be here.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know what's happening now.

But I love you so much. No matter what happens... I will always love you.

No matter what happens to any of us... I want to always be here for you.

And I want you to hold me to that.

I love you all.

:: 2004 23 March :: 7.03am

I'm sick of standing still.

All that time when I wanted time to stop and now, when I want to go, everything stops...

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.21pm
:: Music: Penetration by Pedro the Lion

How can one bird scream at all the others to be silent?

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 22 March :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Time by Chatal Kreviazuk

Please know that I'm learning
I'm down
Down on my knees
Begging for all your sympathy

I'm being really angsty and I hate it but you all will have to deal.

I really like this guy. It's only been two weeks since Ben and I broke up but I already am jumping on the idea of a relationship with this person.

The catch is, I gave up on relationships. I promised myself I would forget about the idea. I'm sick of history repeating itself and I'm sick of everything coming back.

I like him a lot. I've liked him before but I ignored all that once hope was gone. And I guess now that the door is open...

Everyone keeps telling me to "go with the flow" and just let things go where they want to.

But I'm afraid it's going to turn into a relationship. I want it to but at the same time, I don't.

Yet my fear of relationships, my fear of everything coming back and my fear of history repeating itself...

All of it is crushed by how much I like this guy.

And I don't know where to go. I don't know where to move.

I love you all.

:: 2004 21 March :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: sad

I don't know what to do
I like him again.

I hate it.

I promised myself...

I thought it was long enough.

Half a year.

I thought he'd just be my friend again.

I promised myself. Only once.

I'm crying. I promised myself I wouldn't.

I like him again.

I hate this.

I love you all.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 21 March :: 8.31pm

I'm bored so I was messing with the camera.

The light in here is awful at night so I look terrible. I took my glasses off later on too... Smurfing. The last one is awful. I'm glad I smile a lot.

Read more..

I love you all.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 21 March :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: calm

I'm sorry but this just cracked me up...

Which Animal Is Your Sex Symbol? by antiprep
Name
Age
Gender
Your Animal Zebra? (wtf)
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

:: 2004 21 March :: 12.49pm

Happy birthday, Buddy!!

It's Nathaniel's (my little brother) birthday today. He's 11! Guess what he got for his birthday?

A webcam. w00t!

Here's a picture of me being a dork! Whee!
Read more..

I love you all.

:: 2004 20 March :: 3.37pm

I like how Andy calls us kids.

New icon.

I think one of our DDR pads is broken...

:: 2004 20 March :: 1.07pm
:: Music: June Port Bridge by Benton Falls

In a town with only one road, it's hard to complain. It just stays the same.
My last journal entry was to everyone and no one.

In case you were wondering or you weren't.

I just woke up. I have to babysit from 5:30 to 10.

My rainbow maker is spinning rainbows all over the room. It's beautiful.

We have a new TV for upstairs. That means the colors are correct. The sound is awesome too. Now we all need to play Halo. Oh! DDR would probably sound so cool!

You know what'd be fun? Halo with surround sound.

I'm awake
The rest of you are sleeping

I love you all.

:: 2004 19 March :: 9.20pm

Random sometimes
(My parents went to Circuit City 3 hours ago... I wonder what's up)

Sometimes it's hard to remember that you're not alone in the world.

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that I'm not the only one who has experienced the loss of a loved one.

Sometimes it's hard to love no matter what.

Sometimes it's hard to forget.

Sometimes it's too easy to remember.

Sometimes it hurts to breathe.

Sometimes it hurts to live.

Sometimes you need look at the sky.

Sometimes you need to learn to smile.

Sometimes you can love too much.

Sometimes I just don't know.

Sometimes loneliness is best.

Sometimes I dream about you.

Sometimes I cry for you.

Sometimes when you're upset, I am too.

Sometimes when you're sad, I am too.

Sometimes I want to be with you.

Sometimes I want to run away.

Sometimes life is boring.

~~Sometimes~~ All the time...

I love you. Always. I worry about you and care about you. I wonder how you're doing and I wonder where you are. I imagine who you're talking to and I imagine you asleep.

I love you...

(My parents just came home)

I love you all so very much.

:: 2004 19 March :: 4.12pm

Okay, check this out. It's in Japanese but it's awesome.

It's called Casshern and it's supposedly based on an anime. It certainly looks like one.

Utada Hikaru composed some of the music. That's going to be interesting.

Don't ask me about the story. Something about a cyborg and a war. There's a girl too.

Right, it looks cool. It's just about to come out in Japan so we won't see in over here for a long time. If we ever do.

I love you all.

:: 2004 18 March :: 8.10pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: some basketball game

I was thinking of putting this in my private journal but then no one would see it and I want to hear what you think.

My father came home today with a big cardboard box that he got from my uncle Mike (the one doomed to call us whenever one of our relatives dies)

It's filled with some of my aunt Patty's things. There's jewelry, cross-stitching things (some she never finished), a blanket my mom made for her, candles never opened, pictures of Hannah and I, a sweater thing and a coat she wore a lot.

I'm wearing the coat right now. It smells like her. I'm wearing one of her rings and one of her necklaces.

Her coat smells like her.

It's sad, I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can't even see her face anymore. The pictures of her are all I have left.

My heart hurt as we went through her things. It hurts now thinking about her.

This is all we have left. Cross-stitching and jewelry.

I'm almost crying.

I love her. She's my favorite relative. She's my favorite aunt.

For those new to my journal and to me, my aunt Patty is my hero. She died on December 26, 1999 of breast cancer. She loved Christmas, it was her favorite holiday. She was divorced from her husband since as long ago as I can remember and raised her son, Tyler, on her own.

Tyler now lives in North or South Carolina (I can never remember) with his father. I haven't seen him since Patty's funeral. He didn't come up for my uncle's funeral.

It felt weird going through that box. This is my aunt Patty. All she is and was can fit in a cardboard box.

I'm sorry... I should go do my History project.

I love you all.

:: 2004 18 March :: 3.56pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Two Points for Honesty by Guster

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
I'm not feeling that great. I'm hungry but everything sounds unappetizing.

Today was crap. Tomorrow will be crap.

And I'll go through it all smiling.

Don't care for me
Don't cry
Let's say goodbye
Adieu

Mrs. Dudka (our French teacher) came in with her baby today.

I had something I wanted to say but I don't remember. It mustn't matter then.

I hope you feel better, Katie.

I love you all.

:: 2004 18 March :: 6.36am

I haven't eaten anything since 5:30 last night.

So I thought I'd have something to drink really fast before I got ready for school.

I grab this V8 sickly nutritious drink and chug two glasses of it.

It has a pepto bismol aftertaste.

So my stomach is churning right now. I'm not really feeling that great.

Blergh. I'm going to go get ready...

I love you all.

7 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 March :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Sheila Take a Bow by The Smiths

I'm a girl and you're a boy...
Give Katie at least 500 hugs tomorrow okay?

Throw your homework onto the fire... Ah this song is great.

Took a quiz...
Read more..

I miss the days when I had something important to say. I miss the days when I thought everything I did was important. I miss the days when I had some deep thoughts to pretend everyone cared about.

School has become pointless for me. For the first time in my life, I hate it. For the first time in my life, I look forward to the weekend.

And for the first time in my life, I can be sad and not cry. I don't know if that's an acheivement but it is something new. And I sort of like it.

My life is of no interest to anyone right now, including me. Everything is just so boring. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden everything deflated. I hate school, life is boring and I've once again given up any conquest for this thing called "love".

How many times will I give up only to pursue it again?

You know what? I just want a break from life. I just want a break from the world. I want to spend a day or two curled up in a corner.

With somebody and everyone else.

I want to be able to sit and think. I just want to think without crying. I want to think without worries or doubts.

I'm trying to care a lot more about people. I don't care about myself that much, I never really did, but over the past few months I actually cared. I didn't like it at all. I was mean and snide and cruel. That was really weird.

When they say you're not that strong, you're not that weak. It's not your fault.

I just did a really silly and stupid thing. We'll see how it turns out.

Set my mind for open sky, but couldn't fly - so sadly. What am I? What am I? Sullen eyes shed teardrop lies then criticize - now laughing.

Smurf, that was a waste of your time. I hope you didn't read it all the way through. Five minutes of your life gone.

I'm sorry. I'm just out of it. It's really weird. I don't know...

I've been so damn sad.

I love you all.

:: 2004 16 March :: 8.43pm

(Mistress K. Darq-Chylde and Lani Lenore)
I was bored earlier so I zoomed o'er to bzoink. I found surveys that needed taking. (I hit the random button)

Read more..

:: 2004 16 March :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Piano by Last Days of April

Download it here if you want
I promised myself that I wouldn't put lyrics in here anymore but I thought this was appropriate.

Kittie Katie, I love you. We're all here for you. We've been down that path and we know where it winds. If you need help or someone to cry with, we're all here for you. I love you very much.

No no nothing's here
No no nothing's here no
I mean everything's in me
No no nothing's here
No no nothing's here no
I mean everything's in me

When you dress up in black
When you let them attack
When you close your eyes to all that's bright

No no nothing's here
No no nothing's here no

Through go through it all
I'll lead you through it all
Went through it once
Of course I can't recall
I can't recall when I
I can't recall where I
I can't recall how to sew this mess
So through this you will go
And read through all alone

There's no one better
Nothing better
There's no one better
Nothing better than you
Theres no one better
Nothing
It's you...

I love you all.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 16 March :: 5.01pm

I think that I didn't want to try out for the play because I was afraid I'd make it.

And now I'm insisting that I won't because I don't want to be let down.

I'm afraid I'll get a part. I don't want one. I'm falling behind and slacking off already. If I have something I have to do, I'll slack even more.

The main thing I'm worried about is Chemistry. I love all my classes but Chemistry is one of my favorites. That's the only class I'll do the homework for.

That's the only class I have a D+ in. My whole grade is riding on tomorrow's test.

My grades are slipping since I'm slacking off and procrastinating.

The play will make it worse.

Why did I just write this entry in here? This kind of rant should go where no one'll read it...

Whatever.

I love you all.

:: 2004 16 March :: 6.34am

I'm really nervous about play tryouts today.

I don't really want a part anymore.

My throat hurts and I'm tired.

:: 2004 15 March :: 9.39pm

So I beat MGS. It took me 10 hours and 25 minutes. The last boss was really easy.

I'm hoping I can rent Substance next. Raiden is way hotter than Liquid.

I'm done drooling for now. The computer is freaking out.

I love you all.