The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2013 17 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Leo,
Once I get my necklace, I'm done with you.

There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But I'm just not made out of poison like I wish I was.

So this is where I'll say everything I need to.

You were always so concerned I was lying to you. You were the one lying the whole time. I should have seen it was you feeling guilty driving you to ask me and prod me and antagonize me about it. I know we weren't together, but seriously you basically fucking cheated. You knew the whole time you were just passing time til the one you wanted said jump. And yet you failed to ever fucking mention that. All you said was "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone", which is oddly void of any truth what-so-ever.

Ultimately it was my own damn fault becoming infatuated with you. Because I knew you were just a baby in a man's body (a seemingly all-too-common trait of the people I meet anymore). I just broke up with someone who had Peter Pan syndrome. I, of all people, should have seen the signs.

I guess I was just excited to connect with someone. It's so rare that I meet anyone I can just be myself around. And I was hoping we could actually just be friends. But I was just a stupid girl, diluting herself that a man could actual be friends with a woman.

You say over and over you don't want to hurt me and you didn't mean to treat me poorly, but really, you did. You knew the whole time you were going to hurt me. I even tried to end it when we fought over some bullshit. And you pushed to keep it going like a selfish prick. Then you met my friends. And then you just pushed me out the fucking window once that chick walked into the room.

I just want my necklace back. That's it. Then I'm done with you and your selfish self.

:: 2013 15 March :: 1.30am

So this is probably just a mixture between exhaustion, hang over, and not taking my pill, but I feel like so many horrible things.

And when I'm here I always try to comfort myself by convincing myself this is how I've always wanted to feel.

I'm a bad human being. That's really what it boils down to. I feel like even when I'm being genuine it's somehow cheapened by the mere fact that I'm sub-human. I can't do anything for anyone without feeling like I have some unknown alterier motive.

I disgust myself on so many levels. It's fucking incredible.

:: 2013 12 March :: 10.48pm

I'm not a fan of my swinging emotions. But I'm in a better place now that I was before.

Wednesday is going to be awesome. Just sayin'.

Hanging out, watching Samie get her hair did, getting my bonus/raise, then drinks in a double date setting and then lots and lots of hotel sexy time. Fuck. Yes.

I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool to be me.

:: 2013 9 March :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Descending into crush-induced madness.

Sometimes it's hard to think straight. I make bad choices. I do silly, stupid things.

And I need some reassurance and a slap in the face.

:: 2013 8 March :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: okay

1 - I fucking LOATHE math class. Fuck that motherfucking shit in the ass with a big spiky dildo.

2 - I have $1000 in my savings account. It feels pretty fucking amazing!

3 - Lauren's birthday is coming up and I am SO excited about celebrating and her gift!

4 - Broke a motherfucking nail the day after my super cute manicure. No idea how it happened, but it hurts and looks stupid.

5 - I can pay all my medical bills as they come! That's new, and exciting!!

6 - Found a new roommate. To be honest, I'm a little worried because we both have some pretty self-destructive tendencies, and one of us has a competition complex. Pretty sure this could turn into some bad juju if we aren't careful.

7 - Sex is awesome.

The end.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 4 March :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: sleepy

My depression seems to just be getting worse, and I'm not really sure why. I have an appointment with my Dr, but it's in a month. I almost feel like I'm not going to make it another whole month without some serious mental break.

All I want to do anymore is get drunk and have sex. That's really it. I don't really care about anything else, I just go through the motions of "normal" life and pretend like it's still all the same.

But it's not. I don't know what changed inside of me. But I am so desperate for some kind of connection with another person. I just want to feel loved like I love people. And I don't think that'll ever happen. Not because people don't love me, just that I'm so fucking broken in my head that nothing will ever feel good enough.

Every night when I drive home I think about the bottle of vodka next to my bed. I think about how much I just want to drink the whole thing and fall asleep. I think about how nice it would be if I lived by myself so I could have someone over to fuck every night. I just want to badly to get away from myself. I hate my own skin, and everything inside of it. I can't find any redeeming qualities in myself. I just want to let go. Be nothing. Just be like all those fucked up losers on intervention, surrounded by their family, crying their eyes out, and then refuse help because that still wouldn't feel adequate. I'd just be angry that they couldn't accept me for who I was.

That's a major reason why I don't want to have kids. I'm so terrified they'll end up as fucked up as me, or as one of those addicts on TV, and that nothing I do can save them.. And I'd always blame myself.. If only I had been more attentive, loved them more, did something different, they'd be happy and successful. But broken people don't raise happy adults. They raise more broken people.

I know I'll never be able to start over. I know this is the only chance I get. I know all the shit people say to inspire and reassure, but I can't help but feel like it's all just bullshit. All of it. No one ever changes, we just all stay fucked up. It's difficult to want to try harder when there's no success that will ever make it worth it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm addicted to feeling this way.

I just can't. fucking. stop.

9 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 2 March :: 6.21pm

Last night was a good night.
Read more..

Best. Cocktail. Party. Ever.

:: 2013 23 February :: 1.04pm
:: Mood: crushed

Honestly, does anything really matter?

No, it doesn't, because once I die, and my friends die, I'll be forgotten and my life will have been completely insignificant and inconsequential.

I don't understand how people keep living. I guess most of them don't think about these things.

I really want to call out of work, stay home and just cry. Maybe that would make me feel better...

:: 2013 17 February :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: pensive

I talked to John yesterday. I miss talking with him. I'm glad I was able to help him, and I'm glad he always tries to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that other people have been through the same things that I have, and that they don't think I'm a bad person.

He asked me what really makes someone good or bad, and who exactly made the decision on what was "good" and "bad". He said that almost every single person, given the right circumstances, would be "bad" and that being "bad" isn't necessarily bad. It's just a word people use to describe actions to make themselves feel better.

Now, this is just in the context of my recent expedition to discover who I am.

We talked about how difficult it is to not be cynical after experiencing life. And how challenging it is to reawaken that voice inside you that stays optimistic despite overwhelming evidence that nothing will ever work out the way you hoped. And even if it does, the cynic in you can't even find joy in that.

I'm just so terrified I'll always he so jaded. I'll never believe in love again. I'll be the anti-romantic and live my life bitter, old, and broken hearted.

I can't even talk to anyone when I feel this way. I feel like I'm always just going to be trapped in a birdcage, all alone, with faces that on occasion speak to me through the bars.

How does anyone keep going? What is really so amazing about this life we have? What's the point of being here, scraping through life, feeling alone with only brief moments where you're distracted enough to forget.

:: 2013 14 February :: 7.32pm

Today was really crushing. Not because of Valentines day - I couldn't care less about this stupid corporate holiday.

I just feel so betrayed. And that I can't be myself. And that I'm an idiot.

Which, yes, I make bad choices sometimes, but so does EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I want to make that clear - I make mistakes, like everyone, and the whole "holier-than-thou" attitude just makes me so insanely angry and hurt.

It makes me just never want to share my life with anyone else ever again. I tell people things that are bothering me, that I need guidance on.. I confide in my friends because I need help and support. But instead I get met with disgust? Like I'm really worse than you?

I'm sure some of these feelings are just me being sensitive because I didn't have a chance to take my anti-depressant this morning.. But it still really hurt my feelings.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 12 February :: 12.48pm
:: Mood: sad

I feel like I'm a shitty friend. Maybe just a shitty person in general. I just want to go hide in a hole.

I've been reading Ham on Rye, but Charles Bukowski. The sentiments of Henry are really similar to my sentiments, and it has really put my life into a new perspective. I'm not as bitter as he is, but I still feel like most of the time I'm just reading my own thoughts.

I'm trying to make myself feel better about being who I am. I miss Jana, and I enjoy the things she posts, because it makes me feel better about who I am. It's a battle accepting myself, and a lot of the time I try to pretend as though parts of me don't exist. I know I'd be happier if I just accepted myself and moved forward, but it never is as easy as that.

I'm just frustrated with my life. I know I'm making positive changes, but... I still feel as though I have so much farther to go and it makes me overwhelmed.

I won a Bravo award at work. I could get a multitude of things, or a $75 gift car. I'm thinking I want to get the gift card and go to Total Wine and just buy the beginning of my own liquor cabinet... For when I'm done with this challenge and can drink again.

I really miss drinking. I really miss a great many things.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 6 February :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: anxious

Worked out this morning, heading to Physzique in a little bit..

I'm so not ready for today. All I want to do is have someone watch TV with me. Maybe have some drinks. I am SO poor until Friday :( stupid poopy expenses.

But with all the money that will be coming my way shortly, I'll be able to finally pay off all the debt on my plan and start saving money! I'm so excited.

It's cold here. I need to get dressed. Bleh.

:: 2013 26 January :: 8.54pm
:: Mood: depressed

e.e. cummings
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

:: 2013 26 January :: 11.20am

why am i such a stupid fuck?

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 26 January :: 12.08am

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed my weekend for the most part, but there have been parts where it fucking sucked.

Tonight was pretty awesome. Today in general was pretty awesome! I got to see so many awesome people.

Unfortunately, my back hurts so fucking bad. I want to cry. :(

:: 2013 14 January :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: Defeated

I am a loser. And that's all I will ever be.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 12 January :: 12.50pm

I had a really fun time last night! I was nice to get out of the house and hang out with Lauren! And Sus seemed like he had a good time being out in public too :) Though now my voice is fucked up..

I saw something that I think I need to bring up to someone. And I'm afraid to because I don't want to fuck up a relationship.. But I don't know the whole story, and I don't want to automatically assume the worst about someone. I just need to approach it with some finesse I suppose..

Anywho, first week of the Survivor challenge out of the way! The first two workouts were nuthin' but the third one this week was soooo challenging to get out of the way. Working out intensely for three days straight is so intense. But I feel really good! The nutritionist wants me eating 1600 calories in a day, but I only have been eating like.. 800-1200, and I haven't been feeling tired or weak or light headed.. So I'm apprehensive about trying to fit that many more calories into my diet.

I guess we'll see at the weigh-in. I really want to win the $1000!!

:: 2013 6 January :: 12.25pm

I will admit, I'm more than just a little angry.

:: 2013 5 January :: 6.58pm

Slowly but surely things are happening..

And I'm scared now. I have no idea what to expect or what's going to happen. It's a new adventure and I'm terrified.

I won't be paralyzed, just scared for a bit.

:: 2013 3 January :: 1.41pm

Maybe I should just go crawl in a hole and die. I'm a loser. A fat stupid loser and that's all I'll ever be.

2 tulips | bloom

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