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Painttheskywithstars

:: 2003 5 January :: 3.18am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Cranberries *Twenty-One*

*Cold and starry*
Its cold outside and the stars are screaming. I haven't seen your face in days, it's hard not to picture it when i'm dreaming. So i stand and stare at the black sky above, i wonder what youre doing at this exact same moment... i wonder if youre in love.

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2003 4 January :: 12.24pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Legends Of Rodeo *Bartender*

Sunny Saturday morning... with nothing better to do..
Went to a Rocking Horse Winner show last night and her voice is just as amazing live as it is on the cd. Some of the other bands rocked too, Legends of Rodeo, Words Now Heard.. good stuff. All very diverse too, so it didn't get boring. After the show, Kiersty and I went to Losing To Day's warehouse and hung out. I love hangin out there with all our friends. It's just this chill place where no mom is gonna breath down your neck about not doing enough around the house. Tony comes back tomorrow.. YAY! I miss that little mother. Im wearing my rocking horse winner shirt and blue jeans, and i think im gonna go downstairs and eat a chocolate sprinkled donut my mommy bought me this morning.
More when something tragic happens :P
Peace
&
Stars

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2003 3 January :: 12.32am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Our Lady Peace *Not Enough*

Like I stabbed him in the heart with a knife..
He said that's how it felt. I broke up with Ben tonight. It was nothing he did. I just don't want to be someone's someone right now. I was somebody's someone for over a year.. i shouldn't have rushed into things with Ben and i feel so bad about it. And after I said the words, i wanted to take it all back. I wanted to kiss all the pain i had just inflicted on him away, but i know that all I need right now is to be ON MY OWN. No matter how lonely it gets. I'll be fine. I'll go to shows, and practice my guitar, paint stars all over my room, and hang out with my oh so funky friends. Everything will be alright :)

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2003 2 January :: 2.55am
:: Mood: confused and stuffy-nosed
:: Music: Further Seems Forever *I'm Sorry I'm Leaving*

Just when u thought it was over...
I'm standing on the edge, wondering if maybe, I should jump. If I fall, the fog will fade and my life will become clear to me. But, for now, I'll lay down on this thorny cliff that makes everything in my mind cluttered and difficult. Why do i do this to myself? This thick swallowing fog will linger, as long as I bathe in it. I must get out of the tub.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 31 December :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: bright eyes / britt daniel - southern state

the mother hands the girl at the register her credit card and notices how she grits her teeth as she slides it through ; bites her tongue to keep from crying . rolling her eyes , she puts away the credit card , thinking how easy kids these days have it . and as she pulls out of the parking lot , a young woman hits her toyota with her mercedes sl 500 , bursts into tears , hands her the information , and pulls away . the beautiful blonde with the bruise on her arm , who traded her tank tops for long sleeves with collars , even in the ninety degree weather . the mother gets home , checks on her sleeping children , notices the different perfume on her couch cushions , and sprays them with febreze before the company arrives . the girl gets home to change for the party but instead throws out the half empty bottle and changes her screaming baby sister’s diaper before calling to cancel her plans . the young woman gets home to a surprisingly peaceful apartment – the calm before the storm – and hurries to make dinner before he gets upset . and they all do this day after day after day , year after year . so why celebrate tonight ?

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 28 December :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Sugarcult "Pretty Girl"

Different town different thoughts..
It's been a weird couple of days. Haven't posted in awhile. Well... im going out with Ben now. Since Christmas Eve. It's fun. Laid back.. and that's exactly how i want it. I don't want another broken heart. I guess im kinda holding on to my heart and giving pieces of it away over time. Never again will i give it all at once. Christmas was nice. Spent half the day with mom.. half the day with dad. Got an acoustic guitar. I can't wait till i can actually play songs ive written words too. But if im gonna learn how to play, im really gonna have to gain some more patience.. grrr. Im still at my dads. It's really cold here. But oh my God, the stars. Thay're SOOO beautiful here. i almost fall over when i look at the sky. I think im gonna hang out with some old friends tonight, see how things have changed. I think we'll prob go to this place the PC'ers call the "Circle Spot" Sounds err.. greeat. lol
Peace.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 27 December :: 7.35pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: trina featuring luda - b r right

THIS IS A ROLLING EMERGENCY !!!
ohh man . MY CAR is so hot . i got a white 98 nissan sentra gxe , it's so fucking beautiful . i am like obsessed ! so everybody , now that i'm not worthless , let's hang out ? mmm in my hot car ! the only rule is , you can't get out of the car . or you can , but i refuse to , because i am in love with it . actually , i am sitting my car now haha just kidding <3 bye ladies .

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 24 December :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: the rocking horse winner - miss you

this one goes out to the friends i've never had.
so maybe i’m a little rough around the edges … maybe if you grab me a little harder next time it will smooth me out . is it so wrong to want your touch to sting a little ? the next morning when i’m cleaning myself up with alcohol and band-aids, i’ll think of you. the next night when you don’t want to see me because of the state i’m in, and because you don’t want to hold me so tight, i’ll think of someone else that will.

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 22 December :: 2.46am
:: Mood: Starry-eyed
:: Music: The Rocking Horse Winner

Laughing and Star-gazing...
Awww. Ben and I hung out by ourselves tonight. He's so cool. At first it was a little awkward but he made me laugh so i loosened up a little. We went to the beach. The stars were so clear, the moonlight was shining all over the waves and it was really cold out. It was just a really stellar night. I loved just staring at the stars and laughing.. *sigh*

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 21 December :: 1.49am
:: Mood: incredibely tired
:: Music: Rocking Horse Winner "Curable"

I hit his car...

today was okay. i had a math exam, went shopping with kiersten, was supposed to see Rocking Horse Winner, but they cancelled, annnd hung out with this really cute guy, Ben. I am so dumb though... We were leaving denny's and i rammed into the back of his car. There was no damage to his car, just my self-esteem lol. He said it was okay but i still felt really stupid. Yea, so now im tired and emberrassed and i just want to crawl into my warm cozy bed. PeAce and StaRs

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 19 December :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Ozma - "Game Over"

Twas' a good night...
There was a full moon tonight... so if anything weird happened now you know why! I had a really good day though. Car made choking noise this morning, had to get a new battery. Had exams, went to the mall for a little while. I love this new single life. Boys are nice <3 Christmas is almost here!! I gotta get some shopping done. I wanna go see ali over break. I wanna go see her friend Vauggggn. : ) He's from Ireland... ahhh. : ) Well im off to bed. Mmm sleep. Night..

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 18 December :: 11.18pm
:: Mood: not high yet . give me an hour . haha
:: Music: nelly - air force ones

Less than five hundred feet away from my house, my cell phone rings. I pull it out to answer and it's my mother, at 1:02 a.m.
"You're not home yet … it's past your curfew, and you're always home on time. Is everything okay? I was waiting for you to come home; I brought you cheesecake." I'm rolling my eyes, because it's two minutes that I'm late, but I can't help laughing. My crazy mother, who argued with me about how baggy my pants were minutes before I left the house, is ready to make up and sit down with me to hear all about my night. I walk in the house, on the phone with her, halfway through my account of what I did, and we both hang up our phones and sit to talk and eat dessert at one o'clock in the morning.
Three o'clock rolls around and we're still sitting there, tears rolling down our cheeks from laughing so hard. Each time we attempt to go to bed, one of us comes up with another anecdote from last week that somehow made it this far without being recounted. As we finally stumble upstairs, sleepy-eyed but animated nonetheless, we say our good nights, not even remembering that we were fighting just hours ago, and will probably be arguing about something equally trivial in the morning. However, she is always quick to come up behind me with an apology and a chocolate of some sort (because she knows it's my favorite). Ever since I was little, when she'd brush my hair and tell me how pretty I looked in my dress, we've always been close. Now, 17 years later, she is my constant source of inspiration, my therapist, my cook, my tailor, my maid, my chauffer, and my best friend. And when I tell her good night and that I love her, words seem ineffective, but I know she knows how much I mean it.

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 17 December :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional "Remember To Breathe"

*The moon is down and heaven is waiting..*
His face is finally beginning to fade from my mind, i think i'm actually moving on. It's my friends. They all rock so much. Kiersten and Sofo had me laughing alll day with their crazy shananigans, and Ali reminded me why im still best friends with her. She made me this really cute jewelery box for Christmas. Awww. I cant believe how much time she put into it. I love all my friends. I would still be sitting in my room tearing up pictures if it wasn't for you guys. MUAH. Im off to study for gross exams. I have economics and science tomorrow. BLAHHH. Peace and stars...

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 16 December :: 7.27am
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: Koufax - "Let us Know"

I broke your toy, you broke my HEART..
So, david has a new girlfriend. After three disgusting weeks, he's already dating someone new. He's completely moved on and it makes me so sick. You would never guess that we were in love once, if you would have seen us today. He was playin' with a stupid little remote control car and it landed on my desk so i picked it up and threw it on the ground and it broke, Boo hoo. Who cares about your friggin 12 dollar toy? Definitely not me... and i felt really good afterwards. :) Anyway.. i really, really dont like the david he's become. I was in love w/ the old perfect David. This new david, is COMPLETELY different. He used to be soo sweet, and caring and innocent and just an all around great guy. Now he's rude, selfish, arrogant, completely HEARTLESS and here's the one i thought i'd never think about him... He's just your typical guy now. Just like every other guy. I saw something in him that i didnt see in anyone else... and somehow he let all the stellaress i saw in him, fade away. Well.. i hope he's very happy with this new girl. Im lying... i hope she shatters his heart as he did mine. He doesn't even deserve me anymore. He never liked the stars as much as i do anyways...

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 15 December :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: incubus - deep inside

susanis a winner (10:40:18 PM): i;mon my own i cvan't see straigh t.
susanis a winner (10:40:26 PM): deep inside cause i'm so stoned i can't see straight .
WunderBrat (10:41:02 PM): hahahaha
WunderBrat (10:41:12 PM): susan owns
susanis a winner (10:41:41 PM): hahaha why ?
susanis a winner (10:41:48 PM): because i'm so stoned i can't see straight ?
WunderBrat (10:41:50 PM): because she always makes me laugh
WunderBrat (10:41:52 PM): hahaha that too .
susanis a winner (10:41:52 PM): i am putting that in my journal .
WunderBrat (10:41:57 PM): oh yea let me send you this stuff
WunderBrat (10:41:59 PM): hahha okay
susanis a winner (10:42:00 PM): but i cam going t5o stpell ever word right .
susanis a winner (10:42:01 PM): okay <#
WunderBrat (10:42:07 PM): No no
WunderBrat (10:42:26 PM): thaht wulod taek laa the unf out of itti.
WunderBrat (10:42:30 PM): see what i mean ^
susanis a winner (10:42:31 PM): hahahahahaha
susanis a winner (10:42:36 PM): hahahah where the fuck are we ?!?2
susanis a winner (10:42:37 PM): 1 '
susanis a winner (10:42:38 PM): 4#et4#^
$%
susanis a winner (10:42:40 PM): \
susanis a winner (10:42:40 PM): haha
susanis a winner (10:42:43 PM): i loooove marijuana .

"i'm on my own, i can't see straight. cause deep inside, i'm so stoned i can't see straight."
incubus "deep inside"

hahaha <3

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painttheskywithstars

:: 2002 12 December :: 12.22pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - "You're So Last Summer"

~im a wishful thinker with the worst intentions, this'll be the last chance you get to drop my name~
*Im sitting in a bathroom stall, my face is soaked with tears and every time you walk away my heart just rips in half. Just give me a hot pink band-aid and i'll be alright*

Yay, i got a journal so everyone can read my twisted/Juliastic thoughts : ) Im so tired. Tomorrow I'm officially gonna start moving on from the D word. I have to, there's no other road to turn down. I'm gonna miss the perfect times we had though. It's just too bad that such a beautiful thing could'nt stay beautiful for as long as we'd hoped. I've learned so much through this whole experience. Sooo much. But i guess now is the time for me to worry about myself. He held my heart for a year and 3 months, now he has to give it back. And i HAVE to take it whether i want to or not...

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 12 December :: 2.27pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: the specials - jamaican ska

can you stab me in the front so i can see your smile one more time ?

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 11 December :: 9.43am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: mr. cochrane - "hi banani. dooby dinging ..."

WELP LET'S DUCK.
Untie the bonds tightly wrapped around them.
Binding ropes, shackles and chaines,
All carefully, deliberately knotted, word for word.
In sickness (but I booked this business trip months ago)
And in health (you watch them, I'll watch the game),
Till death do they part, averting their eyes,
Avoiding the other woman in their bedroom.
It's not for them that they remain one,
But for their three perfect, innocent, wide-eyed excuses.
They live their life blink by blink,
Teaching their most precious possessions not of unconditional love,
But of the black contract that ruined her life,
Unifying the better and the worse,
(the latter more prominent),
In a glowing example of society's demise.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 9 December :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: the rookie lot - leaving verona

The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople.

--it's no use trying to pretend that mostpeople and ourselves are alike. Mostpeople have less in common with ourselves than the squarerootofminusone. You and I are human beings;mostpeople are snobs.

Take the matter of being born. What does being born mean to mostpeople? Catastrophe unmitigated. Socialrevolution. The cultured aristocrat yanked out of his hyperexclusively ultravoluptuous superpalazzo, and dumped into an incredibly vulgar detentioncamp swarming with every conceivable species of undesirable organism. Mostpeople fancy a guaranteed birthproof safetysuit of nondestructible selflessness. If mostpeople were to be born twice they'd improbably call it dying.

you and I are not snobs. We can never be born enough. We are human beings;for whom birth is a supremely welcome mystery,the mystery of growing:the mystery which happens only and whenever we are faithful to ourselves. You and I wear the dangerous looseness of doom and find it becoming. Life,for eternal us,is now;and now is much too busy being a little more than everything to seem anything.catastrophic included

Cummings, 1935.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 3 December :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: tori amos - a sorta fairytale 




the subconscious stream of 

letters forming words forming phrases forming poetry formed from nothing. 

all my pain and anger and frustration misre present ed on a page full of 

crossed out lines 

and scribbles 

and 



nothing . 

exploiting my sadness and memories for another [half-filled] sheet of paper . 

blush

ing at the mention of my own work then frantically churn

ing out piece after piece for my fifteen minutes [seconds] of this f



		i	c	k

	l	e little community’s fame . yet i bring myself into it, 

d r a g g i n g my feet, but 

moving them nonetheless. until i find my other form of 

temporary satisfaction 

with myself, 

Save Drugs ,  

then it’s back to the drawing board,

pen aimed at paper,

stabbing out my disappointments

neatly organized and publicized and sealed with approval.



i still love everything.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 3 December :: 9.16pm
:: Music: j. Lo - Jenny From the Block

Nacho Boy 3 (10:41:57 PM): STONER MCBONER!
Nacho Boy 3 (10:42:00 PM): ahahahhahahahahahahahahha
Nacho Boy 3 (10:43:45 PM): and you have any reply to that?
susanis a winner (10:45:14 PM): not really . i tried denying it but it didn't work so i'll just settle in my inadequacy ... when in reality, i like to think i'm smarter in various ways than people who don't smoke marijuana or take mind-expanding drugs such as mushrooms . you can insult me in your close-minded ignorance, but i like the way i live my life and feel that my reply is much more intelligent than "stoner mcboner", your original insult.
susanis a winner (10:49:59 PM): i hope you're spending these four minutes using a thesaraus to combat my intelligent reply .

i rock so hard. there is no denying it. man.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 28 November :: 2.06pm
:: Mood: amazed at how beautiful the world really is.
:: Music: sublime - rivers of babylon

i love everything.
so yesterday i finished this paper i was writing and got in the shower like at noon and i was in the shower and the shampoo bottles on the floor started moving towards me and back and then i saw like things growing on the walls and disappearing and when i looked at the floor it looked like it was thirty feet down and i got out and went upstairs and andrea (i was at her house) was lying staring at her ceiling and we talked and talked and stared at her ceiling for like more than an hour and it was growing and shapes were coming out of it and she closed her eyes and saw a baby’s foot wrapped in a plant and stuff and i went out on the balcony and i felt like it was a boat and it was taking me away and there were these rocks that i fell in love with and the stuff in the bathroom scared me and i couldn't go in and all we said was "i feel ..." and then "i love everything" because we LOVED EVERYTHING and everything was perfect and beautiful and nothing was ever bad and there was a piece of paper and it was the most beautiful piece of paper i have ever seen.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 24 November :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: brand new - last chance to lose your keys

The red, yellow, and green pepper never looked so radiant in the glare of the yellow lights, or so blurry from my reddened, tear-filled eyes. As I keep walking, I turn my face down and unravel my hair from the messy bun so it tumbles over my cheeks and covers my eyes, defending myself from the curious stars the father with his two young sons is shooting me. He turns the little shopping car so that his two (maybe two and a half) year old faces the milk, unconsciously, or maybe consciously, shielding him from the dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship he was witnessing. With a “Watch my purse” that’s harsher than any supermarket lighting, she retreats to the cucumbers (pick long, thin cukes with a healthy, dark green skin) as I hear a husband asking his wife if they need any tomatoes for the salad tomorrow. I don’t even like peppers, but I pick one up and go pay for it (taking the purse with me so it doesn’t get stolen) so I can have it in my room and remember this next time we’re on the up side of this recurring cycle. By the time I return, yellow defense mechanism clutched in one hand, black purse in the other, she’s looking for me, and I return the purse, from which she counts the money in her wallet. None is missing. None ever is. I don’t know why I keep convincing myself that it’s worth the arguments to keep a good relationship when we can never keep it long enough. When we reach the checkout lane, and she recounts to me, ever unresponding, how her appointment with the lawyer went, I know why. I know why we fight and I know why she half-swallows her pride and talks to me, choking on the mix of words and dignity. What I’ll never understand is the pleasure she derives from seeing me lend a helping hand only to step on it and watch the tears fall. Lately it seems that’s the only way to calm her, so that’s what it comes down to. Watching my wall of apathy crumble before her eyes to reveal that I’m about as strong as she is.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 17 November :: 7.49pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: taking back sunday - your own disaster 




one day

        i’ll pass you

in	the	hallway

and i’ll grab your hand and pull you

        into a deserted 

        room

close off the world

never taking my eyes off of yours

and l’ll defy you :

	one day

that you haven’t remembered 

 	[ strawberry  –  cherry ] 

    laying entwined 

on [our mutual inhibitions letting us free]

    the bedraggled couch worn away

.	.	.	.	.	.



and then what ?

what will i say when you 



d

e

n

y

m

e



and my illusions fall away from me ?



you’ll walk out and leave me alone

  with everything said 

        [nothing accomplished]

  except those words i can’t say

because i mean them too much

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 15 November :: 10.32am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mr. bjorkland - mantenga su cabeza firme.

noth
i
ngness
and as she wa
i
ts, she paces, her m
i
nd wanders. she knows
he won't return, yet she rema
i
ns, her outward appearance one of conf
i
dence wh
i
le she falters
i
ns
i
de, her lungs, trembl
i
ng, her organs t
i
ght unt
i
l she collapses and
nobody knows why but
maybe they should have
looked at her eyes
i
nstead of her body.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 15 November :: 10.27am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mr. bjorkland - mantenga su cabeza firme.

i drink in your liquid insults (.01.02.03.04) one by one, taking them in fast (.09.10.11.12) so they won't burn as much. day by day, i come closer (.14.15.16) and closer (.17.18.19) to the degrading grave you're digging me. and as i sink deeper, i remember how you said that one (.20) little (.21) shot (.22) wouldn't hurt, but i'm way past one (.23.24.25), and i collapse(.26.27.28), smelling of concealer and visine so nobody notices (.29) my eyes are red and dull in this drowning death (.30) you've finally driven me to.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 10 November :: 11.38am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: desaparecidos - mall of america

she sometimes wished that her family life wasn't so despairing, and that every fight wasn't imprinted in detail in her memory and in savage etchings on her right wrist.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 6 November :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: incomplete
:: Music: ghoti hook - knock knock

he kisses with too much tongue. he could never kiss like you, but he is somebody to kiss. i always start missing you when i start seeing mistletoes ... or every time i kiss somebody. remember those nights on your couch, with the movie illuminating our profiles, even though we weren’t watching the movie ? our conversations intertwined with kisses, and you said “I’ve never had a whole conversation while kissing somebody before.” i hadn’t either. and i never will, because that represents you in my head, and i could never replace you. i keep trying and trying and for a day or two i think i may have succeeded, but you walk into the room with your spiky hair and soft lips and my heart stops beating until we lock eyes and you break the spell first. you always break the spell first, because it is not a spell for you. it is just another girl that cares more for you than you will ever know, or respond to. what would you do if i grabbed your hand one day ? if i actually could come up to you take you back to that couch where you reminded me what you owed me and kissed me more gently and more passionately that i had ever been kissed ? holding hands with you was natural. we fit them together perfectly. we fit together perfectly. so the next time i go to the pier, i will throw my penny in and make my wish and hope you are doing the same on the other side, and i’ll linger a minute longer than i should, waiting to see if you emerge from the shadows. and i know you won’t because you never do. and i’ll keep trying anyway, and when that doesn’t work, i’ll try to hold your eyes and you’ll know what i am trying to say. but you’ll look away because you know that tortured look in my eyes all too well and you’ll keep walking and take somebody else’s hand, and i’ll notice how she can’t even hold your hand right. i know you deserve much better than that. even though our hands fit together right, i know that you deserve better than me too. and i’ll never be able to take your hand again.

(...i didn't want it to mean that much to me...)

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 5 November :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: trina featuring luda - b r right

Tentatively stepping forward, opening the door an inch at a time, unsure of what she’d find, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. Sprawled on the floor of the walk-in closet lay what she’d feared finding. His demise and her horror, exhibited in a 5’6, blue-eyed frame. A mix of emotions rushed through her like freezing water, and she almost threw up. Collapsing in a state of shock, she pulled her knees to her chest, sitting on the floor shaking intensely. She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there when she heard the telephone ring. Looking at her watch, she realized the hours and hours had been a matter of seconds. She couldn’t figure out where the ringing was coming from, but it was somewhere in the small 4 by 6 closet. It was clutched in his hand. Her “Hello?” was barely a whisper, and the voice on the other end reminded her that life goes on. It had gone on time and time again when this had happened. She got in her car and drove to work. On the way, she called her mother and left her a message. “He’s in the closet.”

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 31 October :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: aphrodite - king of the beats

it's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom.
every time you turn around a new opinion is formed. sometimes i can’t live without your eyes and sometimes i can’t bear to look into them, but i always want them around. a few weeks ago you said you could get lost in my eyes. maybe you did, and now you’re gone forever, drowned into eternity because i couldn’t tear my stare away from you. but you’re probably lost in somebody’s else’s, using those same adoring lines and that’s why you haven’t called. i close my eyes when i answer the phone so i can’t see the caller ID and keep that hope that it may be you for a few seconds longer. if i told you that, would you stop calling me completely ? or have you already ?

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