St. Robinson's Cadillac dream

:: 2002 29 September :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: sad

plot it out
i have failed myself... my will is not as strong as i thought it was.

..i am invincible

free tibet

leftofcool

:: 2002 27 September :: 9.02pm

i really like peanuts... i really like peanut butter...

it feels like winter because winter feels like holidays and holidays feel like family dinners... and family dinners feel like wierd family smells and good food smells and the oblivion that alchohol contributes, which is fine by me. and it seems like winter because i am alone and doing the dishes... late into the night. although it is only 8:00pm here.... before i can leave for the evening, i have to do my parents and their socialite friends' dishes... and glasses... they waste so much alchohol. its saddening. but i guess thats only if youre under 21. yeah, anyway, i miss everyone...

4 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 24 September :: 5.14am
:: Music: Sister, SIster...hah i love this show

So there's a kareoke contest goin on at the fall festival this year. First prize is $100, sencond is $50...i'm definitely in need of some cash so i figured i'd give it a try. So, i know i'm going to audition for this deal, but i have to have the song that i'm going to sing by this friday. Good thing i know what that's going to be. If anyone has any suggestions (ok yea, i know not all of you know me...but i could still use any suggestions) i would really appreciate it. I'm thinken an Incubus song, either Drive or Warning, maybe...ahh what do i know. Not much, that's for sure.

leftofcool

:: 2002 23 September :: 3.29pm

People only want to hear the good shit...life eternal, a place in God's heaven...but as soon as you hear that you're gettin' all this good shit from a black Jesus, you freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.

--dogma

3 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 22 September :: 11.56pm

and more...
i wonder sometimes
if i push too hard
on your hipbones,
protruding like animal skulls
will they crumble beneath my fingertips
like clay left out in the sun
hot and hard with heat?
i wonder if your ribs are just that-
your ribs.
or
do they encage anything monstrous inside of you?
do they shut me out?
parallel and sharp,
they are always present
like i should be afraid,
terrified of your milky white hardness-
like the china in my mother's cabinet.
what i woudln't love to take
that china and
smash it in my hand
watch it crumble
like the animal skulls
and your hipbones
...bone china they call it...

and you, like porcelain
with dull eyes like
the dolls in the store windows-
the ones that follow you as you walk by,
the dolls you think about when you wake up
at night,
pulsating with heat.

:: 2002 22 September :: 11.40pm

just more.... theres always more...
i'm sick with heat
the kind of heat that
bottles up in my bones
and comes in waves
like water,
sweeping over me so fast
i quietly sweat and pray
the heat away..
but it stays

its the kind of heat i don't even realize until its so hot, i explode with every single thing i can't handle. explode into a puddle of warmth- staining pants and bedsheets like a wonderous martyr massacre. like something is there beside me, quickening my pulse and endangering my quest for comfort- my search for the cool side of the pillow. satisfaction never cames, and here i lay..
its the kind of heat that you want to savor, the heat that might not come for days, weeks, months.. heat that may not come like this again. yesterday, it was fall and today is the hottest haitian summer day. i'm barefoot and runing but even the rain is boiling and sizzling on my limbs like small pieces of gorgeous ash falling from the red sky. this heat puts me to sleep and wakes me up just the same- wakes me up in confusion. this heat is so thick, it takes me minutes to realize where i am-the time on the clock is later than it should be and my forehead is beaded with cold exhaustion. i fall in and out of apt consciousness, always aware of the pressure in my temples, the passion beating down on my thighs. my handso n my thighs, pushing away the fervent heat.. pushing away the aching...
i always ache for you in the hot haitian days. i always seek you out from beneath moist covers and a lack of breath... my eyes rarely shut anymoree- always searching for you, my shelter from the heat. my pretty little painted fan, delicate and fragile.
the bed smells of mothers and exhaustion. i have to get up before i'll be able to come back and sleep. but i've been sleeping for two days, i tell you. you don't believe me. you walk away with your milky-white bones and your delicate hands-your dull eyes. you tell me it will all be over in the morning, but now it is my turn for weariness

free tibet

:: 2002 22 September :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: the type of mood that made vangogh cut off his ear

i am intoxicated with words
i am floating
soaring
flying
i am swimming in a sea
of self-destruction
self-discovery

he came to me
like words come to poets
slow at first
seeping through veins
out fingertips
seeping slow
and low
and cutting-
caustic like the september moon
then fast and biting
vitriolic by nature
pulsing
shooting
never ending

he came to me
lounged in my mind and
on my carpet
talking in tongues
and with symbols
i never knew when he was being real
i never knew when he was being

cold and bold
in my old age
i tell him to try the door
he doesn't matter anymore
he has kept me alive
with his strong will
the same will
that leaves me up at night
almost breathing
hands on hair
on face
squirming for exhaustion
groping for the light
groping for my head
for my belly-
the blood that runs deep
and thick
blood red-
blood that hasn't yet hit the cold air.

theres something inside of me
i tell him
i tell him we created it
i tell him he made me drown
in my own lack of words
its only beginning
i say
i bite my lip until blood
knowing
its all over

2 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 22 September :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: sick

got a new journal... hooray. been needing one for awhile. its wonderful, but i had to pay for it... grr. money is a constant issue around this house these days. i owe lillian almost 85 dollars, and i have about 17 to my name. i have to send that box to lillian this tuesday with that money, also, and buy a bus ticket to stlouis for the 16th as well. i might have to start whoring myself out on the weekends.

6 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 21 September :: 9.00am
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Bitter Pill~Dashboard

"Hey Chris, it's Allie."
"Uh, hey."
"Yea, hi. Hey would you wanna do something sometime this weekend?"
"Uhh sure."
"Alright, cool. Well I have to go out with my mom this afternoon but should i call you when i get home?"
"Uhh, sure."
Awkwardness.
"Um, ok then. I'll talk to you later."
"uh, yea. See ya."

Sigh. Chris Webster. He's such a...boy. I went shopping with my mom, she felt like spending money, always a plus. She's also now encouraging me to date. I think she's just scared i'm going to turn into someone who never goes out and just stays in their rooms all the time. I went out last night. Spartan Fest. Wow, that's just...well, i don't know what you would call it. I left early. I suppose i tried to look nice and it was just driving me crazy. Ariel was there, God she's a barbie. Gorgeous, but a Barbie. I saw Joel too, we both looked at eachother and he smiled, but then this chick Casey pulled him away and engulfed his face with her mouth. I laughed and walked away.
I did run into Meg though, thankfully. It was cool seeing her, she put me in a good mood for a little while. Kate however, made me want to scream. But, she usually has that effect so I got over it.
Skipping through, i left early and came home and just felt like crying. It seems like whenever I go to things like "Spartan Fest" or some mixer it reminds me of what i'll never be, or can never have. Though, i don't really want to walk around looking like everyone else, being ignored isn't to peachy either. On the way home Mom stopped and got me some ice cream, always a plus...i felt bad after i ate it though.
I had called Chris before i left to see if he wanted to catch a movie or something but he wasn't home. (that's why i went to Spartan Fest) I got home and saw his name on the caller ID and just couldn't stop smiling. I felt like i used to when i would see his name on my phone. I felt like we were together again. I have to laugh at myself, i sound like some crazed girl, but it was just nice knowing that maybe he wanted to talk to me again. Though, after the 4th i can't imagine him ever wanting to talk to me again...but he is a strange child.
So i called him back this afternoon and that's where our conversation happened, if you could call it that. I got home, called him back, no answer. I left a message around 5...it's now almost 9:15 and i haven't heard from him. I suppose on an upside i got almost all my homework done so maybe i can shoot for tomorrow, we'll see. Steve said he wanted to hang out...i just might have to give him a call.
So all in all these past two days went down like this:

-Called Chris...twice.

-Actually spoke to him once.

-Got a new pair of pants, a dress, a shirt, and some Birks...(yea, yea they're Birks. But they're comfy as hell.)

-Went to a festival of football players, preps, and bohemian Abercrombie products with the occasional loner mixed in here and there.

At the moment there's some jazz music deal going on in Webster, i heard the fireworks earlier and now i can hear the music playing.

Sarah just signed on, but she's not actually there. We've grown fairly distant and i really don't know why. I think i'm going to go up there for a while in January considering school was basically canceled that entire month. Right now i think i'm going to head to the kitchen and try to find some chow.

Oh God, now there's some guy butchering a Beatles classic...make it stop...

"...as for me I wish i that i was anywhere, with anyone making out..."

that would be nice too.

:: 2002 21 September :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: ben harper- oppression

....3 boxes of smirnoff, gallons of rum and lots of green is ok sometimes. like in big groups of people, when you don't remember what happened, and have to go to swimming the next morning and come home to sleep off a hangover until 6pm, than its just insane... last night was the party at vins that was supposedly "cancelled" because there were too many people coming. 20 people showed up and everybody spent the night. it was the greatest time while it was happening.. i met all these new people who are older at my school and almost all of them were like "hey i know you! i didn't know you did this stuff!"... and they'd laugh and we'd hug and have this moment that was like a "we're cool now" moment and this underlying notion that we'd all be doing this again together sometime this year... anyways. its almost 7pm and my mom left for the night but nothing about going out and doing stuff with people is appealing. i might just go back to sleep.

2 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 19 September :: 8.48am
:: Mood: Heh

He's just so oblivious, all the time...

Dreydawg1: allie, what's up
PiNkDEviL63: hey, not much
PiNkDEviL63: how have you been?
Dreydawg1: pretty good, u?
Dreydawg1: i've been so ridiculously busy
PiNkDEviL63: kinda the same
PiNkDEviL63: we have this whole fall festival thing comin up
Dreydawg1: how's school?
PiNkDEviL63: um, well
PiNkDEviL63: i kind hate it...but i'll get over it
Dreydawg1: why do u hate it?
PiNkDEviL63: i just really, really don't fit in, at all
Dreydawg1: in what way?
PiNkDEviL63: nathan, you know me...i'm a big freak heh, and these girls...they're just like all perfect
Dreydawg1: lol ur not a freak.
PiNkDEviL63: um yea...it's just weird
Dreydawg1: so have you made any good friends yet?
PiNkDEviL63: sorta...i hang out with people
PiNkDEviL63: this girl aggie's cool
Dreydawg1: sweet
PiNkDEviL63: yea, it works
PiNkDEviL63: there's a few girls, i seriously think are models
Dreydawg1: lol yeah catholic schools tend to have some really fine women
PiNkDEviL63: hah yea...they're all really horny, hah i guess i'm not used to that
Dreydawg1: wow nice. horny hot girls
PiNkDEviL63: yea, in little catholic school uniforms..wut more could ya want
Dreydawg1: lol not much allie, not much
PiNkDEviL63: hehe...i look so goofy in mine
Dreydawg1: i still have to see you in it haha
PiNkDEviL63: heh yea
PiNkDEviL63: i have to get my skirt hemmed..it's hella long
Dreydawg1: lol do that
PiNkDEviL63: no for real, it goes past my knees..that's just, awful
Dreydawg1: i agree. asap
PiNkDEviL63: hah i'll get right on it...so wut are you doin this weekend?
Dreydawg1: i got a football game on friday that's like 3 hours away...we don't get back till like 3 int he morning
Dreydawg1: saturday i'm going to this seniors house for a PAR TAY
PiNkDEviL63: hah good good
Dreydawg1: yep, how about u?
PiNkDEviL63: i might go to a party tommorrow night..i have to find a homecoming dress, and a fall festival one..argh, and i think i'm goin out with this kid saterday
PiNkDEviL63: if any of it actually happens, heh we'll see
Dreydawg1: lol i know, plans are so hard to make when u can't drive
PiNkDEviL63: oh shush it
PiNkDEviL63: well hey, they're not to easy to keep even when you can
Dreydawg1: well..not for me at least
PiNkDEviL63: heh, well good
PiNkDEviL63: so i haven't talked to you in a while..anything cool happen?
Dreydawg1: geez..i don't think so. incubus was awesome
PiNkDEviL63: yea, it definitely was
Dreydawg1: well igtg do homework allie
Dreydawg1: have a good night
PiNkDEviL63: you too, later

:: 2002 17 September :: 10.52am
:: Mood: sleepy

I guess i kind of came off slightly crazy and depressed in that last one. I was looking through some old journals and found it. Unfortunaly i used to feel that way...

I dind't go to school today, tomorrow's not lookin good either. I've had about 5418878 people yell at me today. Not festive. We evidentally have hella tests tomorrow and some frosh induction deal. Sounds like fun to me.

I've been thinking alot about friday night. I really miss everyone. I've been thinkin about Will too. I'm not sure why, i only talked to him for 5 minutes or so...i'll ask Dan about him, maybe...

Tyler's pissing me off. I guess i should go, see what happens tomorrow.

free tibet

2 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 17 September :: 7.38pm
:: Music: ben harper- fight for your mind

i haven't WRITTEN in ages
i had nothing once.
the starkness of it all
is hard to grasp now
too profound for words
curses
fulminating, eminating
from every pore-
i'm bleeding for mankind now
i'm suffering for your sins.

but this day is
just like the last is
just like the last.
hours passed
minutes clicked away
like rain on the window
like rain on my eyelids
is it rain now?
rain down my face,
streaming from a green sea
rain on my lips
tastes of all those
tired nights...
those awkward words
those gray clothes
and gray boys
and gray thoughts.
the rain is gray again tonight.

you looked at me.
no, that's not how it started..
i realized you first.
before you had the chance
to incriminate me in your mind
i copied your every feature
on napkins
and matchbooks
dusting them against my thighs
in the warmth of my pockets
which whisper history
incessently
asking me
"where were you?"

i lower my eyes from across the room
you have stopped me.
you are alert.
your senses faded with my gray rain
and i let you in to stay
you shake your umbrella and
say something trivial about the weather
but i have not listened-
i am too busy focusing
on the rain on your face.
i question morality all of a sudden-
i question YOU
-often now-
there isn'e a day that goes by
that i dont' wonder
look
think
glance
chance to meet you
in your purest form
your shrunken dripping self
coming to my house-
a shelter from the gray rain.

but in turn
FINDING the colorless wonder
your link to me-
your conversation starter
your realization of my
one pure weakness.
but where does that leave me?
a hallway full of puddles
your footprint
dry and stained now
and fading ever so slowly
but surely as well.
i stand with the door open now
on nights
when the rain turns to gray
mist on my face
swirling hair
air like the duluth border

where are you now?
the footprints gone now
i'm almost grown now
its almost midnight now
where are you?
you know where to find mme now
when the rain turns to gray
if you come with your comments
and your umbrella-
even your shoes
which may stain for years more to come
i'll have no choice
but to let you in.

whats another day?
i can't bare another storm without you..

5 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 17 September :: 3.39am
:: Mood: Unhappy

Wow, this is old.
Every morning when i wake up
I wash my face.
And while my eyes are closed
I hope the ugliness washes away with it.
But when I look back in the mirror the same lost and confused girl stares back at me.
I put my clothes on
fix my hair
and makeup.
I try to cover my confusion with trendy products
and bullshit laughs and smiles.
I check in the mirror once more just to make sure that what stares back at me is still that low self-esteemed wannabe that has for years.
It's still her.
Still the ugly fat girl that chokes back her tears everyday.
Still the confused one who has no one to turn to.
I wonder how many meals more i have to skip and lie about.
How much longer i need to starve myself until i'm one of the pretty girls.
How many more times will i make myself believe that it will all be worth it someday.
I say it over and over again.
Life's like a big play
but i'm the only one without a script or wardrobe department.
I try counting how many things are worth living for anymore. I don't get very far before i have to leave for the next show
i wasn't cast in.

leftofcool

:: 2002 17 September :: 7.32am

i dont really have anything to say except that i havent come here in awhile. i cant sleep, big suprise. i hate getting to school and seeing everyone that just got up like, 15 minutes before class when ive been rolling around for hours in a frustrated exhaustion. my mom has begun what she has dubbed "college week"... there are about 25 different college viewbooks covering our kitchen table, along with a chart that she is in the process of making. its very bizarre, but in the same sense, i'm so ready to get the fuck out of here. i hate school with a passion. it feels like daycare. or prison. tomorrow i'm 18. yay porn/cigarettes/lottery tickets/voting.