everyone we know is growing old

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everyone we know is growing old

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:: 2009 16 February :: 7.24pm

FRIENDS PLEASE READ
ok.
i don't hate anyone. (except that fucking asshat dennis. sus would like to say hi.)
and i don't want anyone to move out.

i'm sorry if what i've been saying has been hurting anyone's feelings.
i don't think anyone involved understands why i was upset.
so you don't have to leave me alone.

JUST STOP SAYING THAT I HATE YOU AND I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.

because it IS NOT TRUE. and if you listened to me you'd understand that.

i'm sorry i've been being a shitty friend, but i need to put myself first or i will seriously HONEST TO GOD NO JOKE kill myself before august.

and i'm being completely serious.

so Lauren:
i don't hate you.
i don't think you ever "bother" me.
and I don't want you out of my life.
I just want you to understand I am going to be a shitty friend until i get a few paychecks under my belt and start rebuilding my credit.

to all of you:
the same applies as above.

i really hope it sinks in that i do love you, i just need some time to love myself right now before i slice my wrists open and bleed out in a warm bath tub. I AM BEING SERIOUS.

so. i love you. if you want to talk to me i'm here. i usually have my phone.

i'm unavailable monday thru friday @ 8am to 930am, 945am to 12pm, 1230pm to 230pm and 245pm to 430pm.

at any times not mentioned i am not in training and i can respond to calls or txts about anything you need or want to talk about.

again. I DO NOT WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE. I WOULD SIMPLY LIKE SOME UNDERSTANDING. as i will do for you if you explain what's going on.

if any of you are still confused about what i'm trying to say, please DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I WILL ANSWER HONESTLY. and i will not blow up.

I PROMISE I WILL NOT BLOW UP.

(bold is for emphasis, not blowing up.)

i love you all. (except the douchebag named dennis)

<3 amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 16 February :: 3.31pm

Read more..

I wrote that 3 years ago and I just found it...I can admit, easily, it's only mediocre... but I wish I had anything remotely that beautiful inside my head these days.
I'm... hurt.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 12 February :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: ...wouldn't you like to know?

It would be cool to have a hobby.
What's a good one to take up?

13 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 11 February :: 6.27pm

i did my taxes wrong..
go me.

i'm so insanely stressed out.. i just want to crawl into a hole and never see anyone again.
but the nice thing is i'm too exhausted to really care about how stressed out i am.

i just really.. wish.. i never moved back to this black hole. i hate the people, i hate the boringness, the extreme weather, the music scene.. just everything about this place screams either boring or decay.

everything feels like an uphill battle.. i can't even sleep at night..

what's worse is i don't feel like i have any privacy anymore.. and the secrets i have.. (or rather had) are all out on the fucking table for everyone to look at with their fucking prying eyes..

i never thought i could feel like such a piece of meat.. but here it is..

me.

a big bloody mess.

and everyone poking their dirty fingers in it.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 10 February :: 9.23pm

so.. much.. stress..
and drama..

and i don't want to sound mean, but this is why i push people away..

i have so much on my mind, i don't need to have people whispering about me, even if it's nothing mean..

my bank keeps stealing my money and ruined my valentine's day.
my job makes me hate being myself.
i'm so.. just.. stressed out.

and i can't even cry without it being a big deal where only one person who hears about it actually tries to comfort me.

...
....
yeah...

idk..
can i give up yet?

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 8 February :: 2.32pm

That's honestly the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 8 February :: 11.45am

i love music.

tomorrow is my first day at work and i'm terrified.
but w/e i'll live.
i just hate new social situations.
did you know i cried every time on the first day of school until i was 15ish?
that's how much i love meeting new people.

valentine's day is soon and even though i don't have any money to do something nice, sus will love his present.
and it will be a good day finally.

i'm tired.. and stressed.. and my medicine makes me so bi polar it isn't funny.

and! we're already on season 3 of battlestar and that's no good :( that means soon we won't have anymore to watch and we'll have to wait to watch it every week.. UGGGHH and with commercials.. GOD.

haha..
w/e

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 7 February :: 10.55pm

holy jesus fucking shit fuck.

LSDJFOWEJRLSKDJFOSDIjflskdfjoSDF
LJSOdifjoaskdfjlasdkfjlsdkfjsoafiejaslkdf

I think I pee'd a little...

Oh my god, today might be the best day of my life.

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 5 February :: 4.40pm

Uh
I found 20 dolla.

stokage.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 4 February :: 5.21pm

i hate how everday, i step out of the shower and i see myself and the first thought i have is "oh my god, who is that ugly woman?!"

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 4 February :: 2.48pm

i hate this.
i hate how i always feel like utter shit.
no matter what.
and nothing can fix it.
and i'm a total bitch to everyone
and all i can think about is dying or eating.

i just want to cry.

i hate my life sometimes.
mostly because i make my life a living hell.
i don't want my birthday to come.
i don't want anything to come.
i just want to crawl in a hole and fall asleep forever.
then i wouldn't offend anyone.
or hurt anyone's feelings..
or anything.

i would do nothing.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 30 January :: 6.48am

This weekend should prove be interesting.
One for the history books, so to speak..

Ahaha.
I wote a bitchin' paper on "Hills like White Elephants" by Earnest Hemmingway.
You should read that story btw.
It is also pretty bitching.

I've got to get back to outlining a shitty rough draft for my psych class :S

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 29 January :: 5.35pm

"These days, living alone in Spokane, I wish I lived closer to the river, to the falls where ghosts of salmon jump. I wish I could sleep. I put down my paper or book and turn off all the lights, lie quietly in the dark. It make take hours, even years, for me to sleep again. There's nothing surprising or disappointing in that.

I know how all my dreams end anyway."

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 29 January :: 5.11pm

things are looking up.
i'm insanely sick, i sound like i've been smoking for 30 years non stop and i can't breathe..
but man, brooke has a job and i have a job and rent is seemingly paid!
that means, with my next paycheck i might be able to go on a date (my first date since sometime in september) man i am excited!
and i didn't even need to talk to my parents..
yay!

well.. i don't really have much to say.. but i'm excited that things are going ok.
and that i'm not dead yet.
woo

....

......

i cannot fucking wait to move back to seattle.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 27 January :: 1.27am

I have been too hungry today.
All day.
And I've eaten like...5 times.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 24 January :: 3.35pm

Man, emotional rollercoaster.
it was so nice to see and hang out with my family.
i can't wait.. until things are happy and better again.

i hate how things are sometimes.
i also hate how i am so easy to read.
and how well i wear emotions on my face.
because honestly, i thought i was doing a good job not looking like i was crying or dying on the inside.
oh well haha..

I got a job. Making $12.75 an hour. soooo yeah! happiness.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 24 January :: 11.12am

I'm not worried.

It feels good.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 21 January :: 3.06pm

I don't get it.
Would you please explain yourself?

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 19 January :: 11.45am

so...
i need to ask my parents for help.
or else my bills and credit card payment will be around a month late.
and that is all of my bills. like.. power, cable and phone.
but!

I cannot ask them for help.
do you know why?
because ever single time i ask them for anything it turns into a huge lecture about how it's my fault that i'm in this situation and that i'm a petulant child and i shouldn't have done it in the first place.
which really isn't a good lecture.
or one that i listen to anymore.

so i'd rather ruin my credit and what not than acutally ask for help..
how sad :(

i cannot wait to move back to seattle and settle there and live my life..
i just want to make it to 24 so I can get loans and start my life.
i really just need to make it the next four and a quarter years.
then i can really do it on my own.

so i guess at this point it's time for me to sit back and enjoy my life until i'm able to get it started.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 17 January :: 10.28am

I have an interview on Monday! Which I'm super excited about, but also very nervous about. I can barely remember individual incidences of my customer service because I talked to so many people every day! :/

But if I get this job I would be soooo happy! 14 weeks of training! Starting wage of at least $12! And a chance to transfer to the same job in Seattle! I can't really imagine a better job. And it's all inbound calls.. man.. I really hope I do well!

The one downside is it doesn't start until the 9th of Feburary.. :/ Which means I wouldn't get paid until the 4th week of Feburary :/ Which means I still will have bills and rent and stuff that I don't have money for.

Stupid economy. I wish I could have just stayed in Seattle and saw a doctor there instead of having to move over here. Grr...

Oh well..
Maybe this year I'll be an independant since last year I provided over 51% of my own income. Then I can get loans and go to the school I want to and get the career I want. Wouldn't that be grand?

HAHAHA like that's going to happen.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 15 January :: 11.41am

well...
i really don't know what to say.
i'm really just practicing typing to make sure i can still type since i don't do it all that much anymore.

i'm watching a show on history channel about drugs. and it is so ridiculous what the government ignores because it's a bunch of old rich farts who have everything they need to be happy and what to make life shitty for those who are poor. for example: in the eightys many many therapists were using estacy for therapy in couples with marrige issues and having great success. then someone decided to sell it to bars. and because of that, there was a court hearing about whether or not the drug should be banned. the judge ruled there was no proof that it should be made illict and ruled to keep e legal. the federal government didn't like that and over ruled the judge, forever banning e and any future studies of it.

totally fricken retarded.

w/e old farts.

i'm sooooo done with winter. and i'm soooooooo done with being unemployed.
god this sucks.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 14 January :: 12.22pm

it's funny how fast things can get better.
espcially with a little honesty.

i need to stop being so afraid all the tine.
life is worth living.
it's just hard to remember at times.

<3

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 12 January :: 2.43pm

i want to do arts and crafts.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 11 January :: 11.32pm

this really sucks there is so much stress in my life.
and my head is so messed up.
i hate the way my life is moving right now.
and i hate how it's been moving for the last year really.
last two years..
three years.
since junior year in highschool i have really disliked how i've been taking my life.
no choices i make seem to be right.
nothing is making me happy enough that i can sleep well at night.
things are just piling up and it's my fault.
and i hate it.

i hate a lot of things right now.
and i wish i could just stop for a while and pretend like i don't exist.
but that's impossible.
and life has to suck for it to get better.
bleh

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 6 January :: 1.51pm

oh man last night was fun.
oh man i want to get a new job.
oh man i really need to find a couch before the party.
ooohhh man i want some salmon sushi..
and some smoked salmon and cream cheese..
oh man that sounds good.

why do i love fish sooo much??

i can't wait to see my frijoles on saturday!

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 6 January :: 4.55am

uggghhhh i just updated and it disconnected my interwebs. grrr..

i just had the best sex ever period.....
i hope i spelt that right.
mmmmmhmmmmmmm soooooo nice my brian is working on "oh mah god idk wtf to be doing because there is too much omg good sex chemicals running around in me" mode ;3

rawwrrr merowwwww meow nyaaaaa

i can't walk. i care barely move..
god i love it.
like those violet crumbles.. mmmmmm...

sus is teh best at pleasing me. period. end of story.

good night.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 5 January :: 11.28am

ugggghhhh
i feel sick.
it's my mommy's birthday!
and i made her a card, but my creative juices are running on super dry and i think the card is ugly and uninspired.
my kitty hates me.

idk, i'm just really done with today.
but not in the today has been bad and i'm just done.
but in the i really don't feel like doing anything today period.
ugh..

i want to eat lotsa ramen today.
and a pretzel.
or some tater tots from sonic..

:/
food why are you so delicious!?!??

on a side note i have a few new friends. they will always be right there when i need them. hahahahaha...

i can't wait to move back to seattle. this weather sucks. like hXc..

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 3 January :: 9.59am

things are bad.
and i want to fix them.
but i don't understand.
and i'm terrified.
...
i don't want to say it's my fault.
and i don't want to place blame.
because it's everyone's fault and no one's fault at the same time.
i want to fix this.
and i want to succeed at something.
things were so great in the beginning...
and now it's such a mess i don't know what to think.

the worst part is i don't know what's causing it.
and i want to know.
and i want to fix it.
and kill it, so i can be happy.
and he can be happy.

i'm done killing myself.
and i'm done murdering the people i love.

i want to fix this.
i will fix this.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 2 January :: 3.19pm

i know i'm updating a lot, but there's really nothing else for me to do.

i've been crying a lot lately. and it's all justified crying, there are reasons.. i have all this sad stuck in my throat. and i have nowhere to let it out.

i want it to be spring. i'm so done with all the snow and the bitter cold and the death. i just want to see the sun come out and melt all the pain out of my life. i want to go back to the way it was in seattle before all the bad happened. i want to live my whole life at the same time.. not in this bullshit linear path. i just want to put a tape in of the happy times and play it on repeat so i would never have to see the sad again.

it's beautiful out today. the sun is shining and the snow is melting. and i saw some birds out there too. i just.. i had a really bad time at new years and it was all my fault.

i want to talk about some choices i've made. they aren't life altering in any way.. just little choices that make me sit back and think.. "wtf was I thinking" and "Is that really me?" I feel like i'm a no body now. a non-entity. i'm bland and flavorless...

and i want to talk to someone about it.
but no one will understand.
and no one will be ok with everything i've done.

i've really shut myself into a cage. backed into a corner.. i'm the lemming heading to the cliff. and no one can save me..

and i want to be saved so badly.

i wish every fight wasn't my fault.
i wish for once someone would run after me when i run away.
there is nothing in the world i have ever wanted more than to be worth fighting for..

but.. i'll be ok. i'll learn to live with it. someday it won't be my fault that feelings were hurt. and when i leave crying someone will chase me and ask to wait. and hold me.

and then i can feel happy. and important.

and this is exactly the reason why i'm not romantic anymore. because i know it won't happen. and i know that romantic things don't happen. and i'd rather not disappoint myself anymore with idol thoughts of what love should be like..

who did i get so bitter? jesus.

i'm rambling. and i'm babbling. and i just want to have my brain shut up for five minutes so i can enjoy the little i have. instead of what i don't...

god this is bad.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2009 2 January :: 3.07pm

let's review my year.. :
Read more..

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

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