everyone we know is growing old

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 November :: 6.12am

i got all my classes. so i'm happy about that.

HAPPY 9 MONTHS BABYY!!!!

<3

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 14 November :: 10.01am

_______Bests________
1. male friend: juan
2. female friend: lauren
3. Vacation: disney land or that roadtrip
4. age: 17
5. memory: falling in love

______Worst________
1. Time of day: anything betwenn 1 and 4 am
2. Day of the week: monday
3. Food: slim fast shake
4. Memory: middleschool/senior year
5. Boyfriend or girlfriend: mike

_______Lasts__________
1. Person you saw: krista
2. Talk on the phone with: kirery
3. Hugged: uh...... emily
4. IM: adam

_______Firsts_________
1. Kiss: jeremiah
2. Serious bf or gf: jeremiah
3. Car: none
4. First school: first pres
5. Job: wetzel's pretzels

_______today________
1. What are you doing now: thinking about doing my landry
2. Tonight: study
3. Wearing: stupid shit
4. what did you eat for lunch: nothing yet
5: Better than yesterday: no

________tomorrow___________
1. Is: another day
2. Got any plans: work
3. Goal: see kirk
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: i have to wake up
5. Do you have work: yes

________Fav's__________
1. Number: 3
2: Song: chasing cars
3. Color: black
4. Season: spring
5. State: washington/montana

________Currently_________
1. Are you in love?: yes
2. Dating someone: yes
3. Missing someone: yes yes
4. Mood: apathetic
5. Wanting: sweets and my baby

:: 2006 13 November :: 11.10am

candy a p p l e s
oooh yeah.

so today... i have stuff to do, but things don't seem to want me to do them.

i really want to curl up on my bed and feel safe and cry, like i do at home with giraffie... but this isn't my bed, my home or my giraffie. these walls are so cold and white. the outside is always dark and stormy and bare. there is always clutter that has no feeling. no drawing, so stickers, no carvings... it's just sterile and blah.

and i miss things. like kirk. even though i saw him for a bit yesterday... he's the brightest part of my life here. and i love him so dearly, i want nothing more than to be with him. when i'm near him i feel so safe... i feel like i'm home. it's so easy to just fall asleep around him, to feel warm and comfortable... and best of all i feel happy and wonderful. i feel like i belong and i feel like i'm perfect.

i miss that feeling. here in my room i feel so... emo. i feel like covering myself in black and putting on tons of makeup and just drawing demons on every piece of paper in this room.

living one day at a time is hard.
i hope someday everyday will be wonderful and i'll want to live it one day at a time. right now, i just want to be with kirk. and hug him. and kiss him. and feel close to another human being.

"i miss you quite terribly..."

love,
amelia

:: 2006 13 November :: 5.58am
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: blink-182

i wish we knew how

Watch your fears flow
And please don't loose me while you're looking for yourself
Cause you know I would wait;
Forever and a day

So when we grow up, finally
Old and alone
Let's not forget what it felt like
To be in this moment, nowrightnow

Baby, there's no need to worry
This feeling is only temporary
With time it will wash away, like those stains you left on the carpet
From the last time we went wrong
And I yell the words I wish were mine
And hope you understand, but you just don't
Understand

Well, maybe I'll just sit here and listen as your voice rises
Sending shivers up my spine, goosebumps down my arms
And pushing me further down this hole named lust
You're stealing my breath, slowly but steadily
While your words catch me by my heart strings,
And pull...

There's the boy at the corner market selling his lemonade,
Dirty knees and elbows, smiling.
I saw his tears, sending brown streaks down his rosy cheeks
He reminded me of you darling.

:: 2006 12 November :: 9.04pm

it's amazing how doing what you love makes things all better.

like karaokee.

6 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 9 November :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: jacob butcher - skyscrapers

hehe.

:: 2006 8 November :: 11.15pm

i can't eat apples unless they are cut.

i got to see my baby today
and it's a three day weekend!
<3

:: 2006 8 November :: 5.03pm

zzzZZzZzzzzZZzzzzZzzz...

so sleepy.
so not awesome.
sigh.

i want some fruit.

it was sunny today <3

:: 2006 7 November :: 8.36pm

i hate writing critiques for papers that were just thrown together with no thought.

it's so pointless.

and then people are all stuck up about it.

grrr

:: 2006 6 November :: 11.29am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: snow patrol - chasing cars

today
i'm having a horrible day.

the first thing i thought when i woke up wasn't "what time is it?" it was "what's the point?" i couldn't believe that's what i woke up thinking... then i remembered what i had dreamt last night. and it made sense...

right now there is so much that is bothering me... it's like... i feel hopeless and a little worthless and just so... futile.

i don't even know what to say

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 2 November :: 8.06pm

i hate feeling
deep in my heart

no words can paint

no drawings can say

what it is
what is burning
burning inside of me

what is it
my brain cant even
understand or understate(
even the empirical dimensions
of your being)

and the feelings
the eating and the biting
the hate
the love
the desparation(slowing disappation[of]

deep_(falling)nothingness
of emotions
hopelessly
trying
to
escape)

could this be it
the end of the beginning
of growing up

or[...]

|^{is it just like growing up again shooting up into the void of responsiblity}|
|_{is it just like falling in love again falling into an endless pit of dreams?}|

and here i am.
alone.
feeling everything.
saying nothing
(of any or little import)

and who is listening
who is feeling me
and touching my heart

because outside it's raining
[it's pouring and the old man
he died]
and i don't want to feel the artificial heat
pouring from my wall
biting into what is real
and what is true.

b.
u.
t.

truth
is
S[omeone's]
U[ltimate]
B[battle]
J[ust]
E[ntertaining]
C[ertain]
T[angled]
I[intellegently]
V[ivacious]
E[lements]
isn't it?
isn't it..?

we'll see
as i cave in
andburnmypassions

ready?
aim!
fire

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 1 November :: 5.31am

really fucking funny halloween joke...

"Girl walks up to the whale girl and says....

First hott girl says:
Hey girl with the name that starts with "A" and ends with "X".

We can't celebrate Halloween at school. SOOOOOOOOOO

take that fat suit off!!!!!!!!

ahahaha

forth meal?"

leik omg, lets make fun of people!!

it would have been funnier if she had the guts to say it to my face, cause i would have fucking beat the shit out of her.

:: 2006 30 October :: 7.01pm
:: Mood: sad

i hate those days when you feel so... aweful... for no reason... but it is set off by one phrase, one action, that somehow just fills your heart with pain and sorrow... and you want to cry and sleep and just pretend like the world doesn't exist... if only it was that easy... to ignore your problems...

and i do my fair share of ignoring my problems... and to be honest i could probably work harder for things that i want... but i do work hard and i do try... and yeah, i mess up. but who doesn't? we aren't perfect and we aren't all innocent... i hate being judged and being scorned for the little mistakes i make. i hate feeling like i suck just because i made a mistake. mistakes don't make you a bad person... mistakes help you become a better person. i'm free to make all the mistakes i need and if some people can't handle that then are they really worth my time?

i feel like i'm being selfish, but i also feel like i'm being right. i'm not going to be perfect. and i don't think that many people understand that... that i'm not perfect and i will never be perfect. i'm not going to live to make you happy, i'm going to live to make me happy and i'm sorry if it stops you from being one-hundred-percent happy. that's your problem. i'm never going to do something that would ruin your life indefinetly but i will do what makes me happy even if it messes your stuff up for a little itty bitty bit. and you do exactly the same to me.

(note - i am talking to "you" in general, meaning my friends who have done this to me. it's no one specifically.)

i am so tired of feeling bad. good thing that recently i haven't really been feeling bad or else i would be really upset... i'm just frustrated and sad. and i wish i didn't feel like this.

but i'm better than earlier... that's a good thing.

'i'd bring it to where you are...'

love,
amelia

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 26 October :: 7.56pm

there is nothing to do.

there is no one to see.

there is no one to talk to.

i'm going crazy.

so. bored. so. lonely.

i can't wait until tomorrow when i get to see my baaabbiii... (i am so lame)

<3 lalala.

it's nice to be happy, but it's hard to be. it's like.. you can't possibly have an easy and happy life if it means anything.

i want to sit and hold someone in my arms. i don't know.. it used to really bother me when i always had to dote on jeremiah and he wouldn't really return it... but then again i always had to be happy around him... with kirk.. i want to dote on him and rub his sore body and all that and i don't really mind that he doesn't do it back... the times when i'm sad and he holds me and doesn't tell me to stop crying are all i need... he's so wonderful to me... when i'm sad... it's so nice to be able to show him i'm sad...

i love crying and knowing someone loves me. and is comforting me without words... i guess it's the knowing that i'm not totally alone out here in the universe (which i know i'm not, but it's hard for me when people i love aren't physically there for me... i'm a very physical person)... i love having someone here who loves me and cares about me.

<3 mmm...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 26 October :: 5.34pm

i've been so busy lately its crazy...

and i've been so sleepy...

and last night was so awesome! i wish i could see my baby again tonight... but it's okay. it's all good.

so i bought the last things for my costume. my white ballet tights and my black fishnets. now i just need to get the costume in my possession and figure out what i'm going to do with my hair and makeup. which won't be so hard because there is only so much i can do with my hair and makeup.

and i have to mail my sister's gift. i'll do that tomorrow. after work. sigh... work takes up so much of my time... which is sometimes good and sometimes bad... but it's okay. i guess it is helping me get adjusted to being so busy.

i'm growing up i guess... ugh...

'ohmy god you scared me...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 26 October :: 4.22am

hehe <3

:: 2006 25 October :: 4.41am
:: Mood: excited

My parachute didn't open
and when my back up failed
the pixie dust prevailed
and i woke up next to you
all i wanted was to hold you

i was born in a city
however small
it held a hospital
the location where i came into being
it was all down hill from there

what do you do
when your lifes a disaster
and your moving faster
and its getting harder to breathe

what do you say
if someone is right but
you disagree
even if its the truth

i was told you are depressed
by a little bird
that was severly hurt
as it did not notice my window
it just flew wherever the wind blows
as it convulsed on the pavement
it whispered i am hated
your genetic flaws
i said say it all
you cant decipher reflections from reality
but neither can i

i noticed neither can i

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 24 October :: 11.22am
:: Mood: exhausted

right now... i'm frustrated. i don't know why, but i am. i just want to scream and kick and yell. i'm hungry too. i've been hungry a lot lately... and tired.

i just want to sleep forever.

sometimes i don't see the point in all the things i've been doing. especially working. i hate working. it's like... my least favourite thing ever. and yet i go. damn my responsible nature.

and i'm so sick of my friends who treat me like crap because i make choices. i'm a big girl and i can do what i want. they are so uptight. it's like.. i'm married to them or something, which i'm not. i wish they could just grow up and let things go.

but that's only like... one of my friends. and it isn't lauren.

i should go eat. but i don't know what i want because all the food is icky and boring. i want something full of flavor and spices. mmm...

work in an hour. i want to see kirkery tonight. i really wanted to see him last night, but his phone was off.

what is with people and not anwsering their phones? seriously. (i shouldn't be talking hah)

so... off to the foodery. eatery? cafeteria

'are you who you want to be...?"

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 23 October :: 6.01pm

everything is good again prettyymuch.

yeahh. today wasnt that great of a day but you know, everyone has their moments haha.

nicole makes delicious food. eli is good at honking at old people and driving on the wrong side of the road. beau gives me kisses on the cheek. and i met some russians today.

morgan makes me happy cause she likes to talk with me :D thats good stuff
and jordan is a sweetie and i missed brett bretterson so i;m glad i saw him today and gots to hug him and all that jazzy jazz.

i cannot wait till saturday so's i can hang with those supurb designated drivers, hells yeah.

:: 2006 22 October :: 12.57pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: pollen and salt - daphne loves derby

some days, i just wanna give up.

i feel so stupid and pathetic and needy.
and i just want to be good enough, for him and for me.
but right now i feel like i wont ever be. and it hurts.

and thinking all of this, makes me feel more pathetic.
i just need to drop it.
i wish i could just.. not care anymore.
i wish i could just go with the flow, be cool with everything thats happening around me. but i dunno. it hard for me and i feelsldkjfdsjflsdkjf sdlfksjdflksjdfl like exploding.

arrrrrgggh i dont like this, at all.

:: 2006 20 October :: 5.59am

so i'm your latest cup of tea to keep your cold hands company.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 October :: 11.22pm

tomorrow... we'll know.

and life... probably won't be horrible anymore.

it's nice to know i don't have to hold back my tears around him...

and it's nice to know that people really do love me... despite what i think.

and it's wonderful that i can love someone and be happy with someone and just being there, in their arms, is enough to make my entire week totally awesome.

sigh... life, at times, is wonderful... and then something stupid comes up and bites you just to remind you that life can suck too.

i'm excited for everything now. it isn't so bad here. i just need to get motivated... and be what i can...

what i should be.

<3

:: 2006 18 October :: 6.54pm

no matter how hard i try to pretend i'm okay... people can still see that i'm not.

it's crazy.

jason gave me a gift. it made me want to cry. he's so sweet.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 18 October :: 4.33am
:: Music: waking ashland- i am for you

i feel stupid again...

i hate it when i get in these moods...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 17 October :: 9.19pm

do you ever feel like all your dreams are shattering..?

because that's what it feels like right now.... i need a hug...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 17 October :: 5.12pm
:: Music: snow patrol - you could be happy

and i won't know...
if it isn't one thing it's another... i'm no longer stressed about fitting in, being loved or having friends... all that is good and i'm perfectly fine with being alone or having friends or not having friends or anything. it's all good there...

but now it's my body. and it's my future. and it's what i may or may not get to do... or what i'll have to do on my own...

but mostly it's my body. i've always been worried about not being able to have kids, but now i'm seriously worried that i won't have kids... and it's scary and stressful... i know it probably isn't anything that serious, but i'm so scared that it might be... and i don't want it to be serious... i just want to be normal again and not have to worry about cancer or tumors or anything else... infections... disease... anything. i just want to be a normal girl.

and then my future. i want to do art. i want to be an artist. i want to go to digipen and do the art there. and work on video games and all that good stuff... i mean... i feel like i've been denying my artist side since i've been in highschool because i've been trying to be what my parents want... what i want to be is an artist... i love music, drawing, writing... all that good stuff and here i am at a science school attempting to become something that i don't really want to be and it has no practical use... it's just... i know i want to be an artist. i want to be good at what i love. and i really feel digipen will help me reach that goal. i just hope my parents can see that and understand.

i know everything will turn out fine in the end.... i just hope... that i'm right...

i want... to lie... and forget all this for a little while...

i just want to be an existence... i don't want to be concious...

:: 2006 17 October :: 6.23am

And now my heart is in your hand
So baby, understand

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 October :: 7.32am

so yeah! today makes seven months! Happy seven months!

yay! i love you my baby kirkery! i love you to death! <3 <3

i also got a rat two days ago! she's the best ever! i named her kokoro (koko for short!) she's so cute and alive.

so yea! i'm pretty happy. i've also been thinking about transferring to digipen instead of being at the UofW. I am considering persuing an career in art. mixed with videogames. oooh yeaaaa...

mhmmm happiiiness

:: 2006 13 October :: 4.53pm
:: Mood: bored

your love is going to drown
well... i'm super bored. so i'm going to write something. rightnow. and it probably won't be any good, but i'm just soo bored.

when feelings fail
andwefindourselves_down

on our knees

crying to a god we dare not speak of
we crumple into oblivion
andwishforan^angel

to lift us up to our own lives.

prostrate and cold
because the winds blow rightthroughourbones
our very own bones

we wait here
in your heartmemoriespain
until you finally let us out(forweareghosts

losing a battle between conciousness
and dreams.
we can't all come true........butwetry.

because everyone wants to live forever
and no one wants to wait forever
tobefinallyandfullyalive.)

let's pretend.
justonedayletspretend
we are happy
because that is [ not ] all we are

forget me
(forgive me)