everyone we know is growing old

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everyone we know is growing old

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:: 2006 13 October :: 7.18am

things are better.

i'm getting better at being okay with not being the center of the universe. and my friends, they're starting to become real friends.

and i don't feel as sad or stressed, which is nice...

i guess i could say most of the old pressures are gone, but that isn't to say they haven't been replaced by different pressures...

pft. sometimes i just don't understand people. seriously.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 12 October :: 1.23pm

I LOVE BROOKE!!!!!!!!!!

do you?

[morethanthree]

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 9 October :: 12.38pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: snow patrol - chasing cars

loved
looking at you and thinking about you brings me tears
because i love you so much
and i can tell that you love me
in your eyes
in your face.
everything about you screams
i love you.
and i love you.
and i love everything about you...

and i can't stop thinking about how wonderful you are.
and how adorable you are.
and how great you are.
and you make my life so much better and i'm so
lucky
to have you here with me...

you make me want to wake up in the morning.
you make me want to cry while i'm smiling.
you make me feel important.
you make me feel wonderful.

i hope i do the same to you...

because all i want to do... is sit and be totally in love with you.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 8 October :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: snow patrol - chasing cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

10 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 7 October :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: aggravated

whenever i think about doing anything social with the people here i get so angry. and sad. and it makes me want to slit my wrists.

friends shouldn't make you want to do that...

on a lighter note... kirk is amazing and i love him.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 5 October :: 10.51pm

"hey jake pull down your pants..."

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 5 October :: 4.48am

bffl's are cool.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 29 September :: 10.00am

dear life,
what. the. fuck.

i hate it when my friends don't smile at me but people i don't like do. seriously, what the hell?

i'm excited for looking at the stars tonight.

and my mouth hurts.

life.... what is going on with you? i haven't see you around in a while.
but you are always throwing weird people in my direction.. or bad people.

but you did throw a couple good ones. <3 thanks

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 28 September :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: pensive

what is it about here that makes everything horrible and awesome at the same time? here i feel like i'm something special but something unimpressive. it's as though my being, my essence is some sort of engima that no one cares to figure out...i don't know why that makes me feel so special, but it's neat...

what isn't neat is in that i have noticed that i am like everyone else.

i think everyone feels like the need to be close to someone in order to feel good about what they are doing, even if the person doesn't make them happy or makes them feel worthwhile. everyone here is desparately searching for that one person who will accept them and make them feel safe. here they have nothing, no one, except for themselves and that is something no one knows how to handle. being alone is one of the hardest things to ask of human beings. we need the constant approval of others and the constant reassurance we are important and loved...

even if the loves is superficial.

human interaction is almost like a drug. we depend on it because it is all we know and it is all we feel we need. in order to feel happy we need to have other people doing what's right. we depend on others for our happiness and well being. humans, because they are addicted to eachother, fail to take responsiblity for their actions because it is so convenient to blame it on the drug and not on the user..

it feels like where i am people don't care if they hurt others or they even are hurting themselves. everyone here seems so selfish and feels so hidden and burried and desparate. it's ridiculous there exists a place like this - people making horrible choices because they can, not because they want to. and these decisions quickly spiral out of control and attach themselves onto their hosts, draining any hope of a future. it's so stupid to watch these people go hog wild with their "responsiblity" and their "freedom"... how anyone can call what they do responsiblities or freedom is beyond me. it's embarrassing that i am even related, however remotely, to people like them... throwing any shred of morals out of a speeding train into an atomic bomb's blast radius in order to be completely and utterly lame humans. it's just so disgusting every night they feel so insanely disgusted with themselves they abuse everything in order to forget they need to forget in the first place. it's ridiculous.

what's worse is the people who aren't like that stand by, watching and fuming over this injustice they are witnessing and doing nothing about it. (in this i am somewhat of a hypocrit but i have no grounds to accuse anyone because i have never witnessed any of these acts, but simply have heard stories, statements and seen aftermath) what is there to lose? the people who allow themselves to completely disregaurd anything that resembles maturity? is that really a big loss? those people are doing nothing but causing stress and distraction from the students who wish to be productive and healthy.

it's diseased here.
it's dirty here.
but it's new.
and it's free.

'some may say that distance makes strong hearts break... i want you to know it's normal to be scared - as frightened as i am, shaking on the floor thinking about where you are right now...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 27 September :: 10.41pm

i love my kirkery.
i hope you had fun today sweetie, because i know i did!

ha

<3

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 25 September :: 11.10pm

why do i always make friends with the people who i can't help or understand..?

why do i always make friends with the people who make me feel worthless or insignificant..?

why is it that everytime i think i have a chance to be happy it is somehow shaken..?

i don't understand...

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 25 September :: 9.38am

badmitton today!

i hate diets. but whatev. i'll get over it. but for some reason it was so hard to drink it. it was so... not going down smooth. maybe i had too much air in my mouth... i don't know.

well, interview tomorrow.... school in two days.. scary stuff.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 25 September :: 6.47am

HOLY FREAKING HELL!!!!!osdmflksdjflskdfhlaksdjf;;

i got a feature of deviantart.... holsdflkdsjflshiit
umm yeah im an unknown artist shiitsonn

ohhahahaaa yeahhhpuyupp

anyway, thats prettyfucking cool if you ask me and please ask me

harrrhaakaka butttt

ummparty prettyymuch
its prettyy intense yakno

FREAKING HELLLL ahhhhh!!! exciting

its CRUSH btw hellsyahh

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 22 September :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: taking back sunday

violent red
i feel sad and lonely right now.... i want to be with friends right now... or with kirk.

i really miss my kirkery. being at school again was so sad because he wasn't there. and it's sad being here because he was what made being here so great... especially when my sister wasn't here. i really miss being near him.... i love seeing him smile and laugh.. i love when he touches me and i love hugging him... he gives the best hugs. hehehe he's come a long way from when he first gave me a hug <3 hehehe that makes me smile...

i love being so in love with him. i love everything about him. i'm crazy about him and i miss him like crazy. i want to go back right now and see him.

and everyone else... but mostly my baby.

'even when your hope is gone...'

love,
amelia

p.s. sometimes my heart feels like it's breaking and i have no clue why...

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 22 September :: 7.18am
:: Mood: anxious

i'm a little nervous to go back... i don't really know why.. but i'm afraid to...
but i want to too. it's like... i can't wait to go back, but i'm afriad of what's there...
but everything will be fine. i don't have anything to worry about.
i need to start thinking rationally. duh.

my visit here... it's been... i don't know... not what i expect. i made baklava, hung out with lauren, kellen, josh, tim, jacob and my family... but most of that was... boring... or uneventful. it just didn't feel like me coming back was important... except for my family making me all of my favourite meals and foods and lauren <3. but other than that.... i guess it just feels like i haven't left. which is what i needed and i'll be so much better next time i got back to uw.

i can't wait to leave. that sounds mean, but i want to see kirk and my friends again. i wish we were leaving at five. that would be nice. to wake up and just go and be there at eight and have the whole day to myself... i would really love that...

haha vimal visited my dorm room yesterday. haha... i told him to... hahahah... i didn't mean to not be there. i thought he meant here. in spokane... haha.

ahh... i'm coming home tomorrow!!!

<3
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 September :: 8.21am

the worst part about being home is the boredom... it makes me feel so hungry... and then i just can't stop eating... or wanting to eat.... right now, i want to eat. grr... because movies just don't fill me up.

hmm... i'm nervous for school to start... sigh... it's going to be so fun to learn stuff again, though! i'm excited to learn always...

<3,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 September :: 5.22am

Ian Petrofski, Anya Klyukanova, Nora Taylor, Sophia Lawhead, and Mandy Edwards are making a documentary about teen pregnancy. I bet you didn't know that, right? So to publicize their hard work and to gain some more insight on the subject, they're asking people to fill this survey out.
It's really easy and it'll take 3 minutes of your time.
Just copy control it, hit reply, paste it to the page, put in some answers, and send it on back.
Please please please do this.
Sophia Lawhead will be your slave for 2 days if you fill this out.

...this is more fun than homework.

Read more..

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 September :: 7.06am

hahaha that's great.
ahh...

sometimes i think i have a problem.
i'm weird.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 18 September :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: crushed

sometimes i hate being white.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 18 September :: 9.42am

why is it so hard to change when you know you have to to be happy?
isn't that all we want? to be happy? then why is it to hard to set ourselves up for it?
it's insane how much of a fight it is for me to just let myself... know what's true...
i am beautiful.
i am smart.
i am nice.
i am fun.
so why can't i just listen to myself and believe myself?
what is it that is stopping me from just accepting who i am and embracing my inner beauty?
it's fear. i'm afraid.
what if they don't like me... which is completely ridiculous. i know people love me when i'm happy.
what if it isn't true... it is true. i know i'm beautiful and others know it too.
and then there is that pessimist that is angry at being pushed aside.
but we don't need to let him back in.

i can't wait to go back to seattle. i want to see my kirkery again. i want to spend my first night back with him. i want to talk to him and hear his voice and feel his arms around me. because i love him and he loves me...

'don't forget me when i'm gone...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 17 September :: 2.11pm

so i'm going to change and do this for myself.
i'm so tired of not looking how i want and not being what i want.
i want to be comfortable in my skin no matter where i am.
here, in spokane, i feel perfect, and beautiful.
in seattle i feel fat and ugly.
i want to feel perfect and beautiful in seattle.
sigh.
i can do this. i really, really can.
and i will do this.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 September :: 3.49pm

it's nice to be home.
i think this trip will help me when i go back.
i don't think i'll be as homesick as last time.
at least i hope so.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 15 September :: 8.23am

this morning was so awesome... dark sky and hundreds of crows.

today will be great.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 14 September :: 8.59am

eehehehe <3

my confidence in myself is completely shot. isn't that great?
but i can't help but be happy.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 12 September :: 8.31pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: last days of april

i feel horrible...
i miss my mommy so much... i saw my aunt today and she reminded me so much of my mom... i want my mom... i want to be home where i feel safe and happy and everything is wonderful...

i wish my life was wonderful like it used to be... i miss my old life... i miss my old friends and old house and old room and old everything... i miss the walks in the park with kirk and the late nights in my living room and the puppies and giraffie and the telephone... i miss the green couches and my brother... i miss my sister and my dad... i miss my kitchen and the ugly wall paper in the front hall... i miss my front yard and the trees and the fires... i miss the neighbor's houses and i miss the air... i miss the bus stop... i miss the bathrooms... i miss my window and my night stand...

i wish i felt good about myself again... i wish i could be confident with myself and find everything about my beautiful again... i wish i was strong.

i wish i didn't get homesick... i wish i had never fixed my problems and i still pushed what i love away so it wouldn't hurt to have it gone. i want someone here to understand me like my friends did... i want a friend here who cares about me... i want someone to know me and make me feel better... i don't want to be lost here by myself... i hate being surrounded by strangers and fickle people... i want to be understood and i want to be happy.

why is this so hard for me? why do i have to sit here in the dark and cry about stupid shit? why can't i just be happy because i'm starting again and i get to make new friends and find new opportunities? why is this so hard?
i don't want to feel alone anymore. i don't want to feel fat and outcasted and lonely and misunderstood and alone...

i need a hug.......

a _reallyreally^really big hug.

'don't cry for me...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 10 September :: 10.23am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: the all american rejects - move along

when everything is wrong...
sometimes i just don't feel right... like right now... i'm happy and content, but... there's something missing... and i hate that. i feel a little empty...

am i really being myself here... or am i pretending so people will like me more...? it's been so long since i've been allowed to be anyone other than the perfect amelia i created for my parents... it's so hard to know who i used to be before this. who am i now..? i don't want myself to be pretending just to have friends... i like the me now, but it's so hard to feel like this is me... is it because i don't know these people? it's so strange to think about it...

these are my new friends... the friends who i will be spending the rest of at least this year with... they are like my friends in spokane... it's almost like i've replaced my friends... which is the part that feels so wrong... i feel so awkward around my new friends... like i don't know who to be because they don't expect me to be anything... it's the lack of expectations or prior knowlegde to who i am or who they are which makes these friendships feel so... superficial at times...

but that isn't to say i don't have a really, really awesome amazing and totally wicked fucking awesome time with my friends here... it's just, when we are sitting in my room at midnight watching MTV it just feels so... strange... and how i can never seem to hold a conversation that means very much of anything with any of them... maybe they don't want to open up, maybe i don't want to open up... maybe there is nothing to open up with.... or maybe they are like me and feel hollow inside.

whatever the case is i'm going through deep converstion withdraws. it's so nice to have kirk here because i can at least speak deeply to someone, even if sometimes he says nothing in return. it's nice to know someone is listening and wants to listen to me... but it's hard... i love talking to all sorts of people... i don't know where i'm going with this.

but i really do miss my friends... i miss knowing exactly who i am when i am around them... i suppose it isn't a good thing that i don't know who i am when i don't have my bffs around... but who are we without our friends? i think this is just a matter of me finding out who exactly amelia is. and what she is like around other people...

but it's so nice now. my friends are opening up and i get hugs and i love it. i love hugs so much. and leaning on eachother. and linking arms, and just feeling like friends... close friends... and the smiling and the inviting and the laughter and jokes and all that great stuff that comes with hanging out with great people...

i went to karaoke with my group last night and some new people. it was sooo much fun! i had a blast. i think a lot of it was how much i love singing karaoke, even if sometimes i really suck at singing. and everyone was smiling and laughing and we got boba and it was just really, really great. i felt like i really belonged with those people. i loved when everyone was singing in unison or when we cheered for other people... it's so awesome to have friends who can have fun like that. i love being around happy and exciting people. i feel a little guilty that i don't spend as much time with them as i should... or as i'd like to... but i love having my down time where i can just relax and not worry about being witty or keeping up with the fast remarks.

or trying to be gangster.

well, the nice thing is i think i've lost a little weight... i'm not sure if i have or not, but i think i look a little better. i'm not a stick like any of my friends, but i look okay.

idon'tknow.

i get to hang out with my aunts while they are here in seattle! its going to be really fun. my aunts are so awesome. except they are a little racist. that's a funky word... but yea, they are a little harsh towards black people... which sucks. they're missing out.

hehehe. and i might have a wonderful surprise. hehe i'm so excited! i hope everything works out!!! it would be so sos os ososoosoooo coooooooool if it does!

'teach me heart ache...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 8 September :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: hem - half an acre

holy shit, someone set sacajawea middle school's library on fire this morning.
i was looking at pictures and it makes me really sad. i used to work in that library, i used to sit in there. i just cant believe it.
its twisted... its completely gone, i went up there after school to take a look, and its just gone... its gutted...
why would someone do that? its sick...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 8 September :: 11.10am

well i have a job interview! it's this friday at 1030. i'm excited and i hope that i don't have to work all that much, just enough. i really want that camera and having extra income is always good.

i wonder what my parents will say...

today i think will be boring until the play.
i don't really know what to do today.
hmm...

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 7 September :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: the juliana theory - goodnight starlight

roses and happiness
i really miss my friend jordan palmer.

today really sucked when it started. like really badly sucked... i cried a little, but i stopped myself... kittens barely helped curb the sad. i wish i could see a real kitten...... anyway, yea, so it sucked and i felt like shit.

then we went to lunch in the international district, which was fun because i was with my friends, even if i was sad.

see, i was sad because... well... the same stupid reasons... i'm fat, bad at what i wish with all my heart to be good at, and people are mean to me... no matter how hard i try not to let them, insults do in fact hurt me. i want to be pretty and lovable, but how can i do that when people are always tearing me down? i am not made out of steel.

so yeah, my friends made my day a little better. but then the best part came! i got to see my kirkery and he was happy to see me and i felt pretty and loved. and i even got a rose. <3 hehe it's so nice.

--,--'--,--'--@ dude am i cool or what?

and then i found the letter from adam!

man, this day turned around. i love it.
four days left until my week break! <3

i miss you all,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 5 September :: 9.12pm

Only six days of Early Fall Start left... I found out who my new roommate is. Her name is Yi Yutong. She's from Beijing. I'm excited.

i don't know what else to say.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

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