everyone we know is growing old

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 22 March :: 8.25pm

god damn all this fucking homework...

so... tired... going... to... bed...

fuck it.

:: 2006 22 March :: 6.49pm

stolden
Read more..

10 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 22 March :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Cake - Commissioning A Symphony in C

god, i love cake.
this song is so great. i missed this cd.

i love how warmth is golden feeling. does that even make sense? to feel like gold colour.

today i felt sad and ignored and horrible and like i should die.
and i really hate how just because i have a boyfriend means i want to spend every waking second with him and he can easily replace my best friend. it doesn't mean that, it never meant that.

so whatever.

it's already been a month... what a month it's been... incredible... time's been flying.

tomorrow ice cream with lauren. right after school. by the stairs. hells yes.

'we are building a religion...'

love,
amelia

Namu	:: 2006 21 March :: 11.18pm I'll be fine You'll be fine Is this fine? I'm not fine 5 told me \| i want to hear the stories of your love for me

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 21 March :: 8.03pm
:: Music: Frou Frou - It's Good To Be In Love

so, today was pretty good... nothing special... walked home...

thursday i have a concert... but maybe right after school, lauren.

and i'm happy. it's really nice, to feel happy. it's also nice not to be in love... i love it, there isn't the obligation... right now all that's important is being happy and wanting to see them. kirk makes my day better. and he isn't all over me everywhere.

and i love it when he stops thinking because of me.

i need to do homework now. and do some showering because... well... my hair needs some water in it.

damn outdoor living...

.......

it's nice to be here right now... if love doesn't exist, that's okay because just the thought of love is enough for me...

'it's good to be in love, it really does suit you...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 21 March :: 6.02am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Jacob Butcher - Just Like Heaven

hehe

god i'm so sleepy!

i talked on the telephone for ninety-four plus sixty-six mintues yesterday... i feel like such a teenage girl. the first conversation was hard not to cry during... the second it was hard not to laugh.

brittany's chris so so cute and nice. lucky her.

so yeah, IT IS FUCKING SPRING BITCHEZZZ. and i wanted to go out for ice cream but i didn't want to ask anyone.

'show me show me show me how you do that trick...'

love,
amleia

Namu	:: 2006 20 March :: 8.24pm ......... and.......... what about?......... yar "p.s. I love you, forever and today" i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 March :: 7.05pm

I love Adam, my widdle azn bebbeh.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 March :: 6.37pm

GOSH THE 24 IS COMING SOOO FAST.

:: 2006 20 March :: 4.25pm

hearts and kisses!
i really just want to be okay.
honestly, i think i can as long as i hear something, anything, the whole story... his point of view...
but really, who falls in love that fast?
and how could you possibly believe me when i said i was over you?
it's so... apparent... in my journal that i wasn't...
but whatever, you weren't always the brightest crayon in the box.

27 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 March :: 5.51am
:: Mood: excited

it's the first day of spring, bitches! hells yes!! it's finally here and i can finally feel happy because outside is beautiful.

yesterday the ground was dry and the sun was out so i sat in the grass and it was happy. it was a nice day yesterday. i also went to kirk's house. that was fun, too. we went to hastings the dollar store and superone foods. it was pretty cool. i had a good time. it totally eradicated my horrible mood.

and today i totally have a fau-hawk. sexamagorgeous, huh?

spring spring spring!!

'i just want you to be happy...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 March :: 8.39pm

wow... just wow...

my day was AWESOME and i'm so happy that i went...

:: 2006 19 March :: 11.45am
:: Mood: aggravated

god! i'm so sick of my ugly face.

i'm so sick of my acne that breaks out more when i wash it.

i'm sick of just being ugly.

why am i so hideous?? wtp?!

none of that is important. i feel jealous. i feel angry. i feel worthless. i feel guilty. i feel stupid. i feel unimportant. i feel uncomfortable. i feel awkward. i feel dead. i feel impossible. i feel lost. i feel hopeless. i feel lonely. i feel ignored. i feel...

i need this to be fixed. i need this to go away. i need to get over this. i need to accept this. i need to move on. i need to forget about this. i need to get drunk, do drugs, have sex, slit my wrists. i need to not be me. i need to jump out a window. i need to say sorry. i need to do anything.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i really am sorry. i wish i could apologize the right way. i wish this never happened. i wish i could have not been me. i wish i didn't torture myself like this. i wish i could die. i wish i could deal with this like everyone else. i wasn't in love. that isn't what love is. i'm not that easily replaced. i'm not that easy to replace...

i'm not easy to replace... i'm not easy to replace... i'm not easy to replace... i'm not easy to replace... i'm worthwhile... i'm important... i meant something... i was imporant... i was important... i didn't just waste a year of my life... i didn't just waste a year of my life... i didn't just waste a year of my life... i'm not easy to replace...

i'm utterly forgettable and totally dispensible.

'cry me a river...'

hate me,
amelia

p.s. maybe i just need some closure. if you read this my sweetiepookins call me at eight tonight. and if not, call me tomorrow after you get home from work and tell me you don't love me anymore. thanks.

15 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 March :: 9.29am

i don't know what to do and i feel horrible.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 March :: 8.23am

Hey ameila, whats with you using the word justifications so much lately?

It a weird sounding word now.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 March :: 8.18am

im happy/excited.

yeah.

26 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 March :: 7.28am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: shower music

if i hadn't really been in love with you, would it still hurt this bad..? because it's almost unbearable... i believe it's the memories... the memory of happiness, whether it was real or not, was wonderful... and the things i do with him remind me of the things i did with you... and in spite of the doubt that it meant anything to you, it still meant a lot to me... which is why i feel like it's so hard for me to just forget about your horrible, wretched pathetic self... because without you i wasn't able to be myself, a person who i didn't want to be and still partly don't want to be... and you helped me attain that goal... by never allowing me to be good enough just by being me... so, maybe i am 'over you' but honestly, i'm not over you yet. i can't really be happy yet... without you here to tell me how to think, my brain doesn't think happy...

so what? who cares? i didn't mean that much to you... because it's so easy to fall in love again... you already have and are madly, deeply, passionately in love... in a few days you'll be having sex and sleeping in the same bed... and then when she turns sixteen you'll force her parents to allow her to marry you and you'll have two children, prier and ajax, after your two-week honey moon. and you'll move to japan and raise those lovely children there... and ajax will always look after prier and love her like good big brothers... and you'll grow old together and have a house with secret passages and a hidden room in the basement and you'll me a martial arts movie star and she'll be in the movie where you fall from heaven and lose your wing and she and you will fall in love in the movie and you'll beat god just to be with her... and then when you get old enough to suit yourselves, you'll both committ harakiri and die together so you can be happy with eachother throughout eternity because you'll find eachother in the next life, like you did in a previous one... and everything else doesn't matter, because you love her, she is your first love, the first real one, and you can lie to her and tell her she's your first time and everything is magic and butterflies between the two of you...

just like us, only without the lying... unless you lied to me about that too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

yesterday was okay. i was way too tired for my own good... the movie... i don't know how i felt about it... it was very gory.

'my loving life is so wonderful...'

love,
amelia

p.s. why am i like this..? honestly, i'm so confused...

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 18 March :: 7.34am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Armor For Sleep

i don't know what to say. i work two days a week from now on so i can hang out with my friends and study for my ap exams because if i don't study hardcore i'm totally going to fail so badly that it'll make me die.

i'm excited for the burning we'll do this morning... and then the taffy afterwards... i really hope it helps me feel better... i don't feel quite as angry anymore, but the hurt and disgust are still running rampant in my heart. really, i just want him to understand he's a fuck-up more than me, that in the past, in my journal, i never was happy about him and i always felt like i wasn't good enough... and i really hope that it sinks in and he feels horrible... but that won't happen because everything is always my fault since i'm such a huge inconviencence and of little consquence.

i dreamt baci was pregnant. it was so cute.

'the thing i hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion...'

love,
amelia

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 17 March :: 3.37pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Frou Frou - Hear Me Out

i'm not myself
we owe it all to love. i don't really think it exists, it never really has... all i hear is jusitfications and excuses... ignorance, irrationality... refusal to believe the ego is incorrect... because it's been inflated to the point of bursting.

and my ego, it's pretty big... and my rationality has gone out the window... and my hate list has been reborn... but i don't try and justify it. i do it because i want to do it, because i'm the cause of it. and that's fine with me. i hate you, with all of myself because of the wretchness you brought to me and then you merely justify your actions all away, like it really doesn't matter and you don't want to look at it...

how many times did you invalidate me? ignore me? push me down? i can't even count... but it was because you "loved" me that it was okay... because we were in "love" and that made every bad thing you did okay and every bad feeling you caused in me fine and everytime i wanted to die, i just didn't think about it because i was in "love" with someone who made my life worth living, even if my life to him was just like any other girl's life...

bringing about my self-worth problem... since i'm not indirectly being called worthless, i feel strange and uncomfortable... this relationship is so different because there hasn't been any invalidations, no justifications, just happiness and excitement on the other half... and things that make me feel special, not him... and no clingieness, no painfully uncomfortable situations due to lack of detached bodies...

so here's my hate list:
jeremiah antonio henderson

and that's all.

'i'm not falling for this one...'

love,
amelia

p.s. my mom said that it's okay as long as the socks outside my room are gone, so you can come over, brookelynn.

:: 2006 17 March :: 5.48am
:: Mood: happy

turning into...

I feel so incredible. I'm utterly free now... I don't feel like I'm disappointing anyone, that I'm a bad person, that my choices aren't correct... I feel amazing, worthwhile... Happy... There are no chains of expectation, nothing that I have to do to keep anyone happy... The obligations are gone, no longer am I dragged down by an overbearing "lover." And it's completely amazing.

I really haven't been happier for a very long time, even though everytime I think about you my flesh crawls and my stomache turns and my heart crumples and decays... Despite all that I feel near-bliss... And I'm so happy that Kirk is here, because he doesn't expect anything out of me... And he wants to make me feel special. He actually feels lucky to be around me. What, now? That's more than you ever could say...

Fucker.

Anyway, I'm glad I can be happy now. That I can't be crushed anymore by those superfluous expectations and insane obligations... The leading on, the lying, the hypocrisy, the justifications... I love it.

I'm totally going to Taco Bell today. Hells yes.

'fire in the disco, fire in the taco bell...'

love,
amelia

:: 2006 17 March :: 5.15am

haha, thanks for being nice to me when i was a baby these past few days
(yesterday in particular)

<3<3<3<3

i appreciate it

<3<3<3

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

Namu

:: 2006 16 March :: 9.17pm

You guys don't even know the half of it. I get my heart crushed by the one I love during our relationship, over and over again. I didn't ever want to confront that it wasn't going in the right direction. Once I did and realized how bad of a situation I was in, to the point of tears in front of her face and her not helping me out, I thought that everything she ever convinced me of it not working out was true. So I do, I get out of it. You all call me a hypocrite, and I don't know what to say. Yes, I was really angry when I first found out that she had already moved on within the first week. Then I got to thinking that maybe she was right, maybe she was right all along. So, I simply agreed with her and tried to move on myself. So you're angry with me for agreeing with you. You ever stop to think why I didn't say anything? I was so hurt by the news of her moving on fast, that I wanted to give her time until I could tell her and feel safe about it. I wanted you to all know at the same time, not it be some big secret behind her back. So, I simply kept it to myself. All of you are so angry with me that it's hard to explain when you don't even see where I'm coming from. But hey, according to you all I fucked up, and did big time. You've called me worse than allan, a bitch, and everything else under the sun. With as much of a friend as you were trying to pose for me to tell you things, you've all slit my throat pretty fast. I'm serious, I am absolutely ripped to shreds here. I don't even know what to do or where to start. Funny thing is that I NEVER invalidated any of you like you are to me right now, and as much as I am hurting, I don't intend to either. So fine, you can play your fucking game of killing me, but your prize sure seems set on who can do it the fastest.

So all of you are hurt, because I didn't tell you something and kept it on the inside in order to keep problems from happening, and you can't see my thoughts behind that. Makes me wonder what you have kept from me, what you have done to me in order to get so upset with me in the first place. I surely wouldn't treat any of you like this if I found out you had a secret, but simply be a friend.

sights set on kill,
Jeremiah

thanks for killing me, every last bit. I can't even feel any feelings anymore. And I can't believe how happy all of you are at such a wonderful job of destroying me.......

p.s. I don't hate any of you. I don't have any ill feelings what so ever. As much as this hurts, I never will.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 March :: 7.22pm

i feel worthless and unloved.

i wish casey would come and cheer me up

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 March :: 7.09pm

What the fuck am i supposed to do.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 March :: 6.43pm

"okay.
i love you.
i don't want to be mad at you, but i can't help it.
whether you meant to or not, you HURT me.
but i still care about you, so...i don't want to slit your throat. please."

EXACTLY! I love brooke.

:: 2006 16 March :: 6.31pm

i need to go driving right about now....

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 16 March :: 5.58pm

I AM A FUCKING BITCH.

I HAVE NO PROBLEMS.
I AM HAPPY ALL THE TIME.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME OR MY LIFE.
EVERYONE HAS IT WAY WORSE THAN I DO.
I JUST WANT ATTENTION.
I ONLY MAKE UP PROBLEMS BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

I DON'T NEED COMFORT.
I DON'T NEED FRIENDS.
I DON'T NEED LOVE.

I WOULD BE HAPPY IF YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE AS HARD AS YOU COULD RIGHT NOW.

FUCK ME AND THE HIGH HORSE I RODE IN ON.

:: 2006 16 March :: 5.21pm

i was sticking up for my friend
and there's nothing much to defend
it's a lost fight
it's a lost fight
cause when I talk to you on the phone
well it's just like being alone
it's not half right
it's not half right