godessalthena
|
::
2014 20 April :: 4.18pm
WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO FREAKY?!
This is my third attempt to watch Event Horizon in the past six months.
My 420 resolution is to finish it.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 16 April :: 2.07pm
Remember those online quizzes, they had that one question : "most common used phrase?"
I finally figured mine out: "I'm too high for this shit."
I think I might say this AT LEAST once a day.
They grow up too fast.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 16 April :: 1.21pm
Looking back thru this journal makes me realize I sound like a broken record.
Yeah, yeah, life sucks. Whatever.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 16 April :: 7.50am
This year my birthday was the worst in recent memory. Mostly because it seems to me that every guy in my life is a complete and raging fucktard.
It's my birthday. Please do NOT confess your love to me on this day, especially if it is either a. a joke or b. to try and win back my affection but you don't really mean it.
In addition to not confessing your love to me, please do not tell me any extremely tragic stories about people in your life. I would be more than happy to lend you an ear on any of the other 364 days in a year.
Also, please do not harrass me for a threesome when I have already told you repeatedly that I do NOT want to sleep with you. And if I say "No thank you" it means "No fucking thank you." This is the appropriate time to completely drop the topic. Additionally, do not ask me for a user's manual of topics that make me uncomfortable, because if you listened to ANYTHING I have spoken with you about over the past 15 years, you should know damn well what not to talk to me about.
Your wife is my best friend. On my ONLY annual birthday, please do not make her cry, tell her she can't spend time with me, or show up to my party and be a complete asshole.
Despite all the shitty background unpleasantness, a small group of people I love did come together to show their love for me, and that made up for it. Once the actual party started, I felt much better.
My most beloved friend Lauren wrote me an awe inspiring poem, that obviously welled up from the bottom of her heart. It is my favorite gift this year <3 She knows just how to make me feel special!
I got a second poem, from Peter. And I feel like it's a bad omen, and makes me feel like I should distance myself again. No matter how many times I tell him that nothing will happen between us, he just keeps on hoping, waiting, wishing and doting on me. While the attention is nice, I really hate feeling like I'm leading him on or that he's just waiting for me.
... but to be honest.. on days like today.. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore.
11 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 12 April :: 12.18am
I just want to give up so badly. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 11 April :: 2.14pm
So, I'm pretty much over the whole "only being entertainment when boredom strikes" chick. I'm 26, I'm too old to play these childish games. I just want to be important to him, and it's becoming more any more apparent that sweet words are just words, and I need to start seeing some "meet me half way"-ness or that's really it.
You get SHIT FACED every night, drive to work drunk in the morning, do acid on a Sunday, but you can't drink at my birthday party? Much less even confirm for sure that you're coming? Fuck you, buddy. FUCK YOU.
I'm just so aggravated with him. UGH.
I'll post a birthday picture tomorrow.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 8 April :: 7.02am
And just like that the happiness is gone, replaced by doubt and profound sadness.
I get the feeling Pat won't come to my birthday party.
I feel as though this will be one more year where I sleep alone on my birthday.
I don't even know if I want to go out this year.
I really just want to stop cycling through happy and sad. I would like happy and baseline, please.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 7 April :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: last days of april
always yours to throw away. from here to anywhere. will you be there to catch me. the world's so small from up here. there are things you held from me. things confuse and things scare. out the door. for you to see no more. i never thought i could forgive you. i found this place now. this place where i'm fine. for you to see no more. for me to breathe much more than air. a place where i am fine. a place where i don't mind about you.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 6 April :: 1.28pm
We'll be just fine if we learn to love the ride
I stubbed my toe and it really really hurts :( like dizzying pain.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 6 April :: 12.15am
I must hold myself in the highest respect if that's what I wish to receive in return.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 3 April :: 3.08pm
"Although when I was near you I seem to smile too much like your presence lifts my mood. Lol idk its just that when I'm around you I also get nervous, like I already know I'm falling for you, you should loosen up a bit tho. Be yourself because that's what really makes me smile :) you've made my day the best on countless occasions and I won't ever forget how kindly you have effected my life. :) thank you beautiful :)"
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 29 March :: 11.27am
Sus is FINALLY completely out of my life. We separated the joint accounts, we separated the phone lines, we are done. Free at last, free at last.
In the hours preceding our meeting, my trepidation was close to my limit for mental stress. As I was driving, I was thankful for the distraction my unfamiliarity with the area created for me. I parked, I saw his car, we awkwardly said hi and made small talk. I flirted unashamedly with even man we came across. I updated him with how wonderful my life is, how I am friends with all those who had once been our enemies and how far I've come in the year since we broke up. He talked about that same shit he talked about last time I saw him. His hair was long, faded with faded dye on the ends, everything else looked the same. Nicely dressed, tired, creepy. We left the bank and went to the AT&T store, separated lines and then seperated ways.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything I wanted to. I couldn't bring myself to be mean. Honestly I think it would just be completely lost on him. All the psychological damage, all the horrible memories, all the fear, doubt, self-loathing and anguish he created in me... I just am going to let it go. I'm done with that part of my life. It happened, I survived it, I over came it and now I'm leaving it where it belongs -- in my past.
It feels very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been shrugged off my shoulders. I can finally leave this all behind.
I love being alive. I love my life, this one I've made for myself. And it's only going to get better from here on out.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 25 March :: 5.20pm
I want someone to analyze shit with.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 23 March :: 11.11pm
Why is everything always so complicated? Why can't it just be simple for once?
Cramps are killing me. I hate being a woman.
On the bright side... .... Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives! So are you who you want to be?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 18 March :: 5.35pm
You feel like you're exploding and imploding at the same time.
It's looking at the stars in the summer.
It's making a new inside joke with your best friend.
It's happiness.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 18 March :: 7.10am
:: Mood: happy
I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they are perfectly aligned.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 17 March :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: Cloud 9
Fuck. I am pretty special.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 14 March :: 10.47pm
Party with coworkers..
Drunk adjusters driving home. Is something wrong with this picture? Signs point to yes.
Either way, whatever and fuck that noise.
I'll just go be goth in the corner haha
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 12 March :: 8.00pm
Reading an entry from 2006, I still feel exactly the same. This empty feeling, like something is missing. My life is so amazing, I really don't have anything to complain about, but it's still just missing something.
Surrounded by friends, I still feel lonely. All I want to do is lay in my bed and listen to music, smoke some weed by myself. Just contemplate where my life is, where it's going, where it's been. There is so much I haven't thought about in forever, things that shaped me into who I am, things I still haven't gotten over.. And I never spend time to think about them.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 7 March :: 9.09am
Something tells me he's starting to come around...
I haven't been getting to sleep until 11 at the earliest, and then it's up at 5. I'm so insanely tired today.. I want to go home and nap :(
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 27 February :: 7.08am
Hate List:
Double standards
Feeling jealous/envious of my friends
Smoking cigarettes indoors
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 27 February :: 5.56am
Sometimes I worry I'll never know what it is I want. Or I'll never get it. I am just going through the motions of life, doing what is expected of me.
I rebel occassionally, tattoos, piercings, kink. The more people I get to know, the more it feels like the only things to really look forward to is when I don't feel like I normally do. Either through intoxication or sleep.
But on the days where I get to spend time with him, I'm content to soberly watch movies while he catches up on sleep, using me as a pillow. I get to touch his soft skin and hair, I get to smell him, feel his warmth, his breathing. I'm reminded what it feels like to be alive and human. I missed physical closeness. I missed physical comfort.
And for the first time in a long time I'm feeling faithful, even though I have no duty to be. I don't feel compelled to sleep with almost anyone. I only want one.
On a completely unrelated note: it's almost the mother fucking weekend. Hell fucking yes.
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 24 February :: 10.04pm
He likes me <3
And I'm his favorite <3
And I feel so hopelessly hopeless. And so ridiculously happy. My heart is so full it could burst, but the pessimist in me is screaming this will eventually fail, crash and burn you.
But such is life. We only have today. The future is uncertain, and dismal. Emotional roller coasters are all that are left in this amusement park called life.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 23 February :: 8.06am
Mission sleep over was a success.
Realization I'll probably never for into this world is sinking in.
This journal makes me seem either schizophrenic, bi polar or severely confused haha
But god damn he's fun.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 21 February :: 5.43am
:: Mood: Hopeless
"Falling in love again, never wanted to.. What am I to do? I can't help it!"
It's like Mark take two. Only instead of a douche bag, this one is sweet, attentive, affectionate and let's me do naughty things to him.
Maybe I love too easily. Or maybe I just am overflowing with love. Either way, this one-sided, unrequited love business bites. But in the little things he says and does, makes me feel the maybe somewhere inside him there's hope. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm patient, he'll eventually be ready.
And the cynic in the back of my head is screaming about how this is a fools errand, and that he's already made it clear nothing will ever come of us.. My heart, of course, is doing it's best to ignore that voice.. And for once, it's working. I can't help but be an optimist about this.
And this the Jenga tower that is love has been set, and as I carefully maneuver the pieces to the top, the shaky tower wobbles and threatens to crash every day. It's exhilerating, stressful and fun all in one go.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 20 February :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: crushed
Oh my fucking god I love him.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 19 February :: 9.36pm
Sometimes I feel bad about farting on my dogs in bed, but then I remember they choose to sleep there even after I fart on them. Dirty secret fart lovers.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|