everyone we know is growing old

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everyone we know is growing old

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:: 2013 6 June :: 11.00am
:: Music: displaced

So, been on the methylated folate for maybe 4 days, which I'm not sure is long enough to notice a change, but the past few days I've felt worse than normal...

Last night was the worst. I had all these horrible, negative, disgusting thoughts racing through my head. And nothing helped to turn them off. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and the past few days I've been feeling foggy, dizzy and completely out of it. I've been more irritable lately too.

I'm excited for the future and I'm proud of where my life is going, but I just feel wrong. I can't help but look at all the people I love, see their problems and know that all I really can do is be there and that's it... It's hard. I probably interfere more than I should, but its next to impossible to just watch...

In my life I'm still fighting the good fight, but knowing that ultimately I will lose. It wears me down and all I want to do is find means to escape.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 1 June :: 1.59pm

i'm pretty sure my anti-depressant is merely a placebo. taking it 4 hours late should affect me this much. i just want to bury myself in my blankets and cry myself to sleep.

everything hurts, everything feels so painful. i feel so unloved and unknown. i feel like a fleeting afterthought and a bitter memory.

i just want someone to take a second and make me feel like i'm important. and the worst part is i know my friends do take time to make me feel important.. but it's never enough.

i'm just hopelessly ridiculous.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 29 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: excited

Final payment date on my debt plan: June 3

Start shopping for a new car a month later

Then it's Emily's birthday

And starting today I'm taking back my willpower and changing myself

I will do this.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 25 May :: 4.29pm

Feel like an empty husk. Tears on the edge of my ducts. A knot building in the back of my throat.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 16 May :: 12.42pm

I just want to sleep forever.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 12 May :: 7.25pm

I hate always being right about people.

Every day is a new eye opening experience at how much people fucking suck.

I just want to cuddle with my puppy and cry my eyes out.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 9 May :: 7.07am
:: Mood: insecure

i am feeling extremely vulnerable right now.

so many doubts keep repeating in my head, so much negative self talk.

i don't know how i feel anymore about this, or about my life in general.

i feel lost and angry and hurt and confused, and nothing has even happened yet. i just have this nagging doubt that he's going to turn out to be like everyone else. because every time i let myself believe that someone isn't going to be just another asshole, they prove me wrong.

i hate to be so negative about it, but this has been what i've noticed over the last several years. people in general are so shallow, harsh, rude, ignorant, selfish and disgusting. we are all hypocrites, and a majority doesn't have any redeeming qualities to balance it out.

i'm trying not to psych myself out, but its challenging. i need to just keep telling myself that even if it does turn out he's like everyone else, at least i got to have fun in san fran.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 8 May :: 10.14pm

I really am a fat worthless sack of shit. Fuck.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 6 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: determined

Today is the first day on my new shift as well as the first day of working out at Physzique again. I'm feeling good about where I'm at today, but I am worried that my motivation will fade in the next few weeks. It's hard to keep caring about anything.

Friday I fly down to San Francisco to see Kirk. I'm extremely nervous and excited. I haven't seen him in almost five years. It's crazy how long it's been. Hopefully it goes awesome.

I want to say more, but I can't find the words. So much goes on, but I don't know how to record it.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 30 April :: 12.46pm

We finally talked. Albeit a very brief talk, it really cleared the air. We both feel much better.

I've been so ridiculously tired lately. And cold. And I just want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. I don't want to get out of bed, or do my homework, or even put in the effort to communicate with people I love because it just is so exhausting.

I don't even try to cook anymore.

I'm hoping they finally put me on some medicine to help. Maybe then I can lose some weight. And do things.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 28 April :: 12.23pm

There is a reason I'd be mad. There is a metric fuck tonne of offline work to be done today and you want to skip because you know this.

I'm pretty fucking angry to be honest.
But I'm not going to guilt trip you.
You're an adult, you do your own thing.

But don't expect me to be happy for you.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 27 April :: 11.59pm

It's sad how one little prick can ruin your night.

I just hate how men are constantly controlling, spiteful, spoiled assholes. I just want to cut off all their dicks, throw them on a pyre and force them to watch it burn. I want to hear them crying and screaming, helpless. I want them to know what it feels like to be dominated and belittled for purely selfish and stupid reasons, and then be tossed aside like yesterday's refuse.

I have so much hatred and anger inside of me right now.
I need some mellow music.
I can't wait to see Bjorne tonight and hold him extra tight.

Fuck.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 22 April :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Always love

Where do you run to escape from yourself?
It's always amazing how the world can seem so perfect, beautiful, right. And then it suddenly turns into this disgusting carnival ride that you wish you could get off from. But you're alone, and everyone is standing and staring at you. Judging you. Being jealous of how fucked up your life is.

I'm sitting in this abandoned hallway at work. No one will find me here. I can sit and listen to my music and contemplate how everything got so incredibly fucked up in my mind.

I'm going to move out. I'm going to live by myself. I'm going to have sex. Whenever the fuck I feel like it. And I'm going to cry myself to sleep when I feel like it, without worrying that I'll wake someone up who cares that I'm crying myself to sleep.

I hate this constant flux between good and wretched. I hate how I feel so immaculate, happy, eager to live one moment and the next I just want to cry and scream and break defy beautiful thing I've ever made. I feel like if I wasn't as intelligent I would have become a drug addict by now. I can see the appeal of a chemical that just makes you feel good. And then doing anything to get that good feeling back. Such a huge distraction from how seriously fucked up you are in your mind.

It's painful, seeing how my life is going in this ridiculously positive direction, but my mind seems to be degrading. What do I do? How can I fix this?

Music seems to be the cure.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 21 April :: 12.34am

Tonight FUCKING SUCKS.

I just want it to be bed time so I can try again tomorrow.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 19 April :: 1.37am

I never wanted a gay man before now

This fucking sucks.

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 15 April :: 10.20am

Sometimes I worry I'm turning into an addict.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 9 April :: 12.34am
:: Music: Move along

It's surreal how things are falling into place.

In the past 25 years, this month has been the most pivitol.

And I'm trying not to over think or under think.
I'm terrified and bursting with excitement.
I just have a hard time wrapping my head around what's happening.
I'm being pulled in a million directions and I have no compass to show me which way to go.

All I can do is buckle down and enjoy the ride.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 7 April :: 1.32am

Crushed up sleeping pill is making my tongue numb.

Love-like feelings numbing my heart.

Helping to wash away the tears of heartbreak and disappointment.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 6 April :: 10.49am

Whelp.. my phone is dead for now. Which is extremely depressing. I feel so naked without it.

I have an apartment viewing today, but with the possibility of needing to buy a new phone in conjunction with a few other things, I don't know if I can afford to move out just yet.

I'm so tired. Blegh.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 22 March :: 10.18am

Reconnecting.. And it's going so well. I have been trying not to over analyze, but it's challenging. I've been trying not to look into the logistics either, as I feel if anything is going to happen, ways will present themselves (well, ideas anyway).

It is surreal, almost absurd, but I can't help but feel excited and eager. I'm terrified I'll seem over eager, and I don't want to do that..

I also try not to worry about how I've changed. I'm still just as good, if not better on a personality level.. And I'm still as cute. Everything else can be changed. And confidence has definitely grown since then.

Let's just hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe good news will work its way into all these plans.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 17 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Leo,
Once I get my necklace, I'm done with you.

There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But I'm just not made out of poison like I wish I was.

So this is where I'll say everything I need to.

You were always so concerned I was lying to you. You were the one lying the whole time. I should have seen it was you feeling guilty driving you to ask me and prod me and antagonize me about it. I know we weren't together, but seriously you basically fucking cheated. You knew the whole time you were just passing time til the one you wanted said jump. And yet you failed to ever fucking mention that. All you said was "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone", which is oddly void of any truth what-so-ever.

Ultimately it was my own damn fault becoming infatuated with you. Because I knew you were just a baby in a man's body (a seemingly all-too-common trait of the people I meet anymore). I just broke up with someone who had Peter Pan syndrome. I, of all people, should have seen the signs.

I guess I was just excited to connect with someone. It's so rare that I meet anyone I can just be myself around. And I was hoping we could actually just be friends. But I was just a stupid girl, diluting herself that a man could actual be friends with a woman.

You say over and over you don't want to hurt me and you didn't mean to treat me poorly, but really, you did. You knew the whole time you were going to hurt me. I even tried to end it when we fought over some bullshit. And you pushed to keep it going like a selfish prick. Then you met my friends. And then you just pushed me out the fucking window once that chick walked into the room.

I just want my necklace back. That's it. Then I'm done with you and your selfish self.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 15 March :: 1.30am

So this is probably just a mixture between exhaustion, hang over, and not taking my pill, but I feel like so many horrible things.

And when I'm here I always try to comfort myself by convincing myself this is how I've always wanted to feel.

I'm a bad human being. That's really what it boils down to. I feel like even when I'm being genuine it's somehow cheapened by the mere fact that I'm sub-human. I can't do anything for anyone without feeling like I have some unknown alterier motive.

I disgust myself on so many levels. It's fucking incredible.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 12 March :: 10.48pm

I'm not a fan of my swinging emotions. But I'm in a better place now that I was before.

Wednesday is going to be awesome. Just sayin'.

Hanging out, watching Samie get her hair did, getting my bonus/raise, then drinks in a double date setting and then lots and lots of hotel sexy time. Fuck. Yes.

I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool to be me.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 9 March :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Descending into crush-induced madness.

Sometimes it's hard to think straight. I make bad choices. I do silly, stupid things.

And I need some reassurance and a slap in the face.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 8 March :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: okay

1 - I fucking LOATHE math class. Fuck that motherfucking shit in the ass with a big spiky dildo.

2 - I have $1000 in my savings account. It feels pretty fucking amazing!

3 - Lauren's birthday is coming up and I am SO excited about celebrating and her gift!

4 - Broke a motherfucking nail the day after my super cute manicure. No idea how it happened, but it hurts and looks stupid.

5 - I can pay all my medical bills as they come! That's new, and exciting!!

6 - Found a new roommate. To be honest, I'm a little worried because we both have some pretty self-destructive tendencies, and one of us has a competition complex. Pretty sure this could turn into some bad juju if we aren't careful.

7 - Sex is awesome.

The end.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 4 March :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: sleepy

My depression seems to just be getting worse, and I'm not really sure why. I have an appointment with my Dr, but it's in a month. I almost feel like I'm not going to make it another whole month without some serious mental break.

All I want to do anymore is get drunk and have sex. That's really it. I don't really care about anything else, I just go through the motions of "normal" life and pretend like it's still all the same.

But it's not. I don't know what changed inside of me. But I am so desperate for some kind of connection with another person. I just want to feel loved like I love people. And I don't think that'll ever happen. Not because people don't love me, just that I'm so fucking broken in my head that nothing will ever feel good enough.

Every night when I drive home I think about the bottle of vodka next to my bed. I think about how much I just want to drink the whole thing and fall asleep. I think about how nice it would be if I lived by myself so I could have someone over to fuck every night. I just want to badly to get away from myself. I hate my own skin, and everything inside of it. I can't find any redeeming qualities in myself. I just want to let go. Be nothing. Just be like all those fucked up losers on intervention, surrounded by their family, crying their eyes out, and then refuse help because that still wouldn't feel adequate. I'd just be angry that they couldn't accept me for who I was.

That's a major reason why I don't want to have kids. I'm so terrified they'll end up as fucked up as me, or as one of those addicts on TV, and that nothing I do can save them.. And I'd always blame myself.. If only I had been more attentive, loved them more, did something different, they'd be happy and successful. But broken people don't raise happy adults. They raise more broken people.

I know I'll never be able to start over. I know this is the only chance I get. I know all the shit people say to inspire and reassure, but I can't help but feel like it's all just bullshit. All of it. No one ever changes, we just all stay fucked up. It's difficult to want to try harder when there's no success that will ever make it worth it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm addicted to feeling this way.

I just can't. fucking. stop.

9 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 2 March :: 6.21pm

Last night was a good night.
Read more..

Best. Cocktail. Party. Ever.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 23 February :: 1.04pm
:: Mood: crushed

Honestly, does anything really matter?

No, it doesn't, because once I die, and my friends die, I'll be forgotten and my life will have been completely insignificant and inconsequential.

I don't understand how people keep living. I guess most of them don't think about these things.

I really want to call out of work, stay home and just cry. Maybe that would make me feel better...

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 17 February :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: pensive

I talked to John yesterday. I miss talking with him. I'm glad I was able to help him, and I'm glad he always tries to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that other people have been through the same things that I have, and that they don't think I'm a bad person.

He asked me what really makes someone good or bad, and who exactly made the decision on what was "good" and "bad". He said that almost every single person, given the right circumstances, would be "bad" and that being "bad" isn't necessarily bad. It's just a word people use to describe actions to make themselves feel better.

Now, this is just in the context of my recent expedition to discover who I am.

We talked about how difficult it is to not be cynical after experiencing life. And how challenging it is to reawaken that voice inside you that stays optimistic despite overwhelming evidence that nothing will ever work out the way you hoped. And even if it does, the cynic in you can't even find joy in that.

I'm just so terrified I'll always he so jaded. I'll never believe in love again. I'll be the anti-romantic and live my life bitter, old, and broken hearted.

I can't even talk to anyone when I feel this way. I feel like I'm always just going to be trapped in a birdcage, all alone, with faces that on occasion speak to me through the bars.

How does anyone keep going? What is really so amazing about this life we have? What's the point of being here, scraping through life, feeling alone with only brief moments where you're distracted enough to forget.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2013 14 February :: 7.32pm

Today was really crushing. Not because of Valentines day - I couldn't care less about this stupid corporate holiday.

I just feel so betrayed. And that I can't be myself. And that I'm an idiot.

Which, yes, I make bad choices sometimes, but so does EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I want to make that clear - I make mistakes, like everyone, and the whole "holier-than-thou" attitude just makes me so insanely angry and hurt.

It makes me just never want to share my life with anyone else ever again. I tell people things that are bothering me, that I need guidance on.. I confide in my friends because I need help and support. But instead I get met with disgust? Like I'm really worse than you?

I'm sure some of these feelings are just me being sensitive because I didn't have a chance to take my anti-depressant this morning.. But it still really hurt my feelings.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

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