"What do you expect me to do? wait for you"
wow so this is my first journal entry. i am definately not gonna hold anything back. so how about this monday was probably like the worst day of my life, even though for the past year and like three months i think i have had about four days that will always be the worst over any other and those days are always caused by one person, alex. she seems to know exactly what to say to me and when to say it to just keep me hanging on. but this monday her and ben started goin out and to me this "relationship" totally came out of nowhere because on sunday she told me how he came over to her house and kissed her and asked her out and she said no because of me. but then monday rolls around and its an all new alex! he asks her out again and this time she says yes! i swear to god my arm was shaking so bad when she told me that she went out with him on the phone i wanted to throw the phone at the wall and like break it into a hundred little pieces. so now everyday at school i see them together and in all seriousness i want to go over there and punch the shit out of him. but i know that i cant because truthfully i shouldnt have anything to complain about because i threw it all away this time. according to mary vance everyone who knows what "really" happened has no pity for me at all because i had previously told alex that i couldnt go out with her and have to let her go in six months and possibly loose some friends that i could have for four more years. doesnt that seem perfectly understandable. but no i was about to aske her out becase i finally decided that if it isnt for goin out with alex that they will be yellin at me for it will just be somethin eles. like today on the bus after school frankie could just not stop blamin everything on me. i swear all i need to do is find one more person to replace me in a relationship i have and i wont need to live anymore. ben replaced me in alex's life and ross replaced me in frankie's life and actually there is probably someone that replaced me in someonelses life too i just havent really noticed it yet. i think it might just be that this week is the replace ryan week and then next week things will go back to normal. but anyways today in gym i was talkin to mary vance about what was wrong with me and i was like you know what is wrong with me u said it like two seconds ago. and just previously she was sayin how cute she thought ben and alex were together. but then mary vance continues to tell me how much i hurt alex when i told her i wouldnt go out with her because i wanted to keep my friends and that alex has moved on and then i started thinking about everything that is going wrong now, my grandpa, alex, frankie, my mom, dad, and brother, and i just started ballin cryin. it was crazy. im sure eveeything i just wrote seems like a big jumbled mass of confusion but all that is whats running through my head at this very moment. i just cant stand how she said she cant wait on me but i have waited on her for more than a total of like five months. it just bewilders me sometimes how she has the nerve to tell me that she couldnt wait just one more day or even one more week on me but now i have to wait who knows how long again because according to mary vances folder "Alex hearts Ben." blah.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.