If music be the food of love.

:: 2003 23 October :: 12.19am
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: tomorrow, smashing punpkins

oh now i feel like shit. last night i promised i'd call at eight, but couldn't until eight-thirty due to my dads giahumungus lecture, and the fact that he neaded to take us to dinner (hell knows why). so yeah, tonight i get home and try to get through my chores and homework as quick as possible, it's only eight thirty, and madeline takes the phone. i could have been, "fuck no maddy, i promised tori i'd call at eight, it's fucking eight-thirty, and i haven't called her, and i don't give a flying fuck in a frozen over hell what your problems are" but no, i went and thought, oh poor maddy, all crushed like this, and then i bitched at sean, which was loads of fun, and now they're talking away and i'm stuck in my own shit. i feel so irresponcable. this brings me to explain a train of thought today. last sunday during the surmon, pastor doug went on in mock form about his love when he was twelve, with his stupid grin on and his sarcastic droning voice going off again. what the hell does he know? he said that love at that age is unacheivable. so does every other adult i've talked to. my dad said strong feelings, but he could have said love, but no, he didn't want to cantradict or make an acception to all of his past statments about love. he knows i love tori. i told him i thought that their stupid punishment was worth the time with tori, and that's fucking love, m'kay? if love isn't when every single issue and problem and obligation and virtually every section of your life secondary to her's, i have no idea what is. if love isn't having her being the only thing you can think about for 90% of the time and then the other 10% of your thoughts lead to thoughts about her, i don't know what is. but love is a dieing species, and it's dieing quick. you here guys tell girls they love them and then dump them the next day, and guess what, that whole i love you load, was nothing mor than a load. a load of shit. love is non-biodegradable, it doesn't go away. it sticks. and though you can ignore it, when you step on it it hurts your foot. eventually you will not be able to hold it back anymore. it shakes loose.

2 Burns! | backtalk

:: 2003 22 October :: 12.05am

my sn on msn messenger is "I have a voice in my head. Tori stabbed it with the spoon of temptation"

:: 2003 21 October :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Let it be, beatles

well, yeah my mom bitched for a minute and my dad gave me an hour and a half lecture, but it was worth it, it really was. plus, i can argue my way out of it anyway. so yeah, he asked me if i loved tori, and i said yes. then he asked me if gived the chance would i have sex with her. no. you sure? what if she started to take of your cloths. i'd tell her it was a bad idea, and she's not like that at all. well i don't know her so how can i believe you? you can trust me. but you disobayed my rules. i told you i didn't give a rip."

and don't. tori is the only person that understands me and she loves me and i love her so i'll spend as much time with her as is humanly possible. so there. her heart beating against mine, her head resting on my chest, her arms around me, that's all worth more than life itself. that IS life itself, and you can't have it. they want to know the most intimate details of our relationship, but that's for me and tori. so some are witness to it, that doesn't mean it's their buisness, and it's not. it's ours. it's what's between us.

:: 2003 21 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: Victorious
:: Music: path

And as for the little voice in my head, well of with it's head because tori does love me!!!
HAHAHA!!! hows that feel you stupid bitch?!?!?!?! huh, HUH??? i win. you lose. i could almost see the lookm on your face as tori out her amrs around me. hehehe, don't give me that bullshit you little fuck, you are my pessimism, and i kicked your ass. tori loves me, so :P!!! yeah, go hide your ass-ugly face and cry. i created you, but she destroyed you without a thought. you suck, and i left you and i'm never coming back!

:: 2003 21 October :: 10.59am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Rain, i can't remember who wrote it.

Tori's pain
I can't erase what devon or brian or me or anyone else did, and i know we all hurt you in some way or another, but i will hold you till it heals, and the scars begin to fade, it does get better than this. just cry till it's gone, till you can't cry anymore.

"I can't stop the rain from coming down on you again, but i will hold till it goes away" Thats part of the song. i'm not going to pretend to be all mocho and shit and say that i can change the past and erase it. what is is, you can't change what they did, but you will heal, and i know morgan feels the same way as me, but we'll be here to hold you, a shoulder to cry on, until the wounds close up and the scars begin to fade, until you feel like you can face the world again. and even then, we'll be there to back you up, we're not leaving yet, so feel free to cry, to hurt, there is nothing wrong with that. i botttle up to much, pretend it's not there, and then things like the wendsday before last happen and people get hurt. i explode. my bottle overflows. i can't stomach the shit. so don't be like i was, just let it go. i hate to see you hurt, but i hate even more to see the hurt way down in you where it can't get out. it's like an infection, if left alone, it could kill you, and yeah, school in 45, so i got to go now, i'll see you there.

:: 2003 20 October :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: impailed

well, come on, if i'm some emo kid so fucking be it. I DON'T FUCKING REGRET IT AND CHANCES ARE I'LL GO TO ANOTHER ONE!!! get the fuck over it!!! i don't care!!! i love tori, and so what? it's not like i'm ashamed of it, and if she goes to a fucking dance then i'll fucking go with her!!! and if you want to throw a punch or two over it, i'll throw a few right back, and you know as well as i do, maddy, that i could kick your ass. i don't care what you think, i really don't.

:: 2003 19 October :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: anxious

so i wait, i look over the facts. she never directly told me she loved me, but she got mad when people told her she didn't. two fridays the friday before last, well, that could be a good day fo acting, but she fit. that's what doesn't make sence. she fit, but she is speaking of being betrayed and and hating someone she said she liked and loved. if it was just love, i would feel better, if it were just like, i would feel worse, but i know deep in my heart that truth hurts most, but lies never heal. i need the truth, who does she hate? who betrayed her? i wasn't begging for her to stay, hell i told her to get to work, but still my pessimistic ways are kicking in and i have no idea what to believe anymore.

9 Burns! | backtalk

:: 2003 19 October :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: predatory
:: Music: I wish you were here- Pinkfloyd

Off the phone with tori
when she said she was cold, i wiggled. I FUCKING WIGGLED!!! i really wanted to be able to hold her, to at least try to keep her warm (and i know someone will read this and take that like i wanted to fuck her which would not be the case, so yeah, fucker) i wish she was here. all of quins birthday party i wished she could have been there, except the part about when he, and his parents found it, and they thought he had been masterbating, and, oh holy hell that was nasty. ok, the concept was nasty, it is, it's fucking gross, but the way that happened and what happeneed after was, well, alot nastier. so yeah, no way she's ever hearing THAT story. well, i don't know. she's whispering in my ear again. she wants your flesh and blood and bone. she wants to rip your heart out and cut it open and drink it. she wants to take your worlds and make them crumble, and the only thing stopping her is me, and the only thing stopping me from letting her is the strength i see in you guys everyday. so stay strong, it'll cost you more than just your life if you give up. so stay strong and i can too.

23 Burns! | backtalk

:: 2003 19 October :: 2.04pm
:: Music: black water song, maralyn manson

"woke up today and wished for tomorrow,i don't want to be like anyone else.
woke up today and wished for tomorrow, i don't want to even be myself."
this cuts'll scar, won't they? well, whatever. i'm making tori a necklace, but i probably won't be finished by tomorrow. i found what i'm using for the key peice. it's sort of a preworn brass. i hope she'll like it. i'm really bored. Tori, when you get a chance call, but i'm getting a hair cut (not to short) so i may not be home.
and there is no garuntees that we're doing it today anyway.

:: 2003 18 October :: 6.19pm

I was thinking about the sixth grade when tori pried it out of me who i liked and when i asked her if we were still friends she just said," of course silly." well, i like her picture. very fitting. well, i have to go before i'm killed by my sister.

:: 2003 18 October :: 4.42pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: more tachno on tori's computer

Shoulder to cry on
I hate this. being a guy sucks so much. who gave us this rap in the first place? who? i'll shoot them, i would. Who was it that decided that guys were supposed to be tough and able to handle themselves enotionaly? they were a moron. we hurt, we feel pain, or is it just me? is it? it is isn't it? either way, i still don't know what to do. the way i see it, the world puts more on my plate than i can stomach, and so i should be able to eat till i'm full and then dump the rest off, but no, i'm supposed to eat it all and puke it all over every one. in other words, take all i can than have someone to just listen to my shit that i can't eat, let it fall with the tears, harmlessly to the ground. but no, i have to eat it and the overflow and do things like 2 weeks ago when i attacked madeline, that's what happens when you spew on people. so girls don't want to hear my shit, guys would just reject me and give me more, adults want nothing more than to shout out their opinions and i just wan't someone to listen, not to give me bake the shit i'm spilling out. that's what i need. a shoulder to cry on, but i guess, because of what i am, there isn't one, is there?

:: 2003 18 October :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: strange technno on tori's computer

don't give me that shit
i have so much to yap about it's disgusting. ok, so here it is. first we start with updates on my current emotional status. no one cares but me, so i don't know why i do this, but i do, so :P. well, optimistic outlook- she loves me and brian and ian were right.
realistic outlook- she loves me, but brian and ian's coments were less than possible.
pessimistic outlook- it was a sympathy comment and she doesn't at all, and in fact still likes brian or quin or devon. hmph, i wish i knew what to think. i can't figure this out. ok look, she's having "troubles" (fuck my prying and lip reading abilities) and is just a little embarresed and doesn't want to talk to me right now. that makes sence. you can't blame her for that.
/ oh i know what you want to say/ what then? i wan't to say alot of things, most of which i will. no matter, that's for murgzy anyway./ whatever, you know-/ just go, your screwing with my entry. well, yeah, i know that this sounds wierd if i say it in my own words, so i'll quote various people from last night with as much accuracy as possible
first off.
Ian-"paul, dude, are you crying?"
paul-"no man, i'm fine."
Ian-" no really, what the fuck is the matter?
Paul-*glares*
Ian-" oh, i get it, brian, come over here, now, no sam you fuck off, this is serious"
brian-"what it is?"
Ian-" i don't know, something to do with tori."
brian-"do you love her?"
paul-*rolls eyes and says sarcastically* nooo........... what the fuck do you think??"
brian-" does she love you?"
paul-" i- i think so..."
Ian-"then what's the problem"
paul-"I know she has a legitimate not to be talking to me, but i'm a fucking pessimist, OK???"
Ian-"what's wrong with her?"
paul-"No way i'm telling you, but it's not as bad as i know you think it is."
Ian-"How much do you love her?"
paul-" if it were seven years from now, i'd marry her"
ian-"you know, that doesn't seem so impossible"
paul-"what do you meen?"
ian-"she fits."
paul-"huh?"
ian-"you two go together'
paul-"don't give me that"
ian-"what?"
paul-"your shit. you know that's what, 140% longer than i've known her before i could think about that sort of thing"
ian-"whatever, man, whatever, but you know you're wrong, you will marry her, she's fucking perfect"
paul-"would she marry me?"
ian-".........."
five hours later i'm lieing in the dark, watching the matrix reloaded and thinking to myself '90% of who we are is who we believe ourself to be, and the other ten percent is who everyone else believes us to be. that is the system. we are made up of beliefs.' and then i smelt her hair again, and realized the biggest obstical in my way was my own beliefs that i wasn't good enough for tori to ever love me, so i acted like a pessimist, and now that i believe that i'm above that, i can rise and at least believe, if not be, that i am worth something more than a road block, a obstical for her to pass. i won't let go. so don't try and make me. please, accept my apologies for my selfish and negative behavior. i will be stroger than this. i am, that is what i believe. ok then. life is getting better, it might be worth living...

1 Burn | backtalk

:: 2003 17 October :: 9.47am

oh sure i trust her, i know i can't be that bad, it's tori after all. but when your head gets stuck on that, your listening to maralyn manson scream"rebel rebel, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party, sex sex sex and don't forget the violence" and are going insane because your cut off, you can't help but right, and if the thing on your mind is what the hell was in that backpack, your going to right about what the hell is in that backback, and it wasn't so much not talking, it was the knowledge that i couldn't that got to me.so i wrote a list, and it came out, weirded out. so what? does that mean i wouldn't put it past her to have most of those things? well i would, but there are a few closer people i wouldn't, though, frighteningly enough, i'm beginning to be able to see her with those ones....NO! MOTHERFUCKINGNO!!!! itrustheritrustheritrustheritruustherITRUSTHER!!!!! ok, all better now. i know she got that email, i know she did, and she doesn't answer to those. if she wanted to fucking say no then go ahaead, say fucking no!!! that'd be twice as good as not saying anything. i can handle more than you obviously think. i forget most things by the next day anyway. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!! hmmmm, i think it's time for another burning session. this should be fun........... now do i do it with them, or them, or them, or all by myself?well either way, i'll put it out of my mind. i have jazz band in fourtyfive minutes and really should go...... but tori, about your last entry, i know why you said that. i'm sorry. farwell chilins...................................

4 Burns! | backtalk