and the only word i can manage is *smile*

:: 2003 3 February :: 10.39 pm
:: Mood: tired. bummed.
:: Music: michelle branch - sweet misery (acoustic)

home for good. but is it good to be home?

i would like to start out by saying i'm a fool for things i let myself fall for when it comes to boys. im not in the mood for it now, but ill write later about patrick - one of our translators in haiti. lets just say im "cursing the miles in between"

my flight came in late last night after a ton of delays. so i stayed home and pretended to go in for 5th-7th hour today. instead i brought matt food at school and visited my sick marcus. well i had to do something until school got out, so i just chilled there... and got distracted... and ended up stayin until 530. oops :)
i absolutely love hanging w/ marcus. i love everything about him. and we had some good ole fun while he kept me hostage in his basement.
and after all that super touchy-feely groping or whatever u wanna call it... i finally just said to hell w/ that promise id stop gettin in the way w/ him and emily and kissed him. then he told me about how hes not even into her and shes not what he thought and blah blah blah... and as bad as it sounds, it made me even happier.
but then he told me the other part of it. the stuff that went on while i was gone. sure, maybe i have no right to be upset, but maybe i do. hell, he claims to have felt bad the first time it happened, but the second time? i dotn know. he must have kept me hostage for 20 minutes just so he could repeat how bad he feels about it.

and how much he loves me.

i dont know. i cant really talk about it in here cause its all on the hush-hush stuff. he wasnt even gonna tell me yet, but i woulda been pissed if i'd found out later, so its good i at least know now.

and i think thats all i really have to say...

i hate the way i feel tonight
and i know i need you in my life
yes i hate the way i feel inside
but i promise to make the sacrifice
(12 stones - the way i feel)

but only because i love him.

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 23 January :: 4.02 pm
:: Mood: tired. rushed.
:: Music: none

my 19 hours home have now turned into 11
and theyre ticking away...

got home from washington dc this morning. the march for life itself was definitely the low point in the trip, but really powerful once we got walking.
it really got me thinking... i cant even begin to believe that people can do that to another person... but ill get into that later

so we leave tomorrow morning for haiti. 3am. this should be interesting.
ill be back feb 2nd. late. with 2 weeks of homework to catch up on. and a lifetime of pain to life through.

ive got big plans.
and theyre starting now.

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 16 January :: 8.32 am
:: Mood: chillin. lol, literally.
:: Music: my punk cd - right now its a cover of "summer of 69" :)

i love exams (non sarcastically)

christian history exam yesterday took 25 minutes. cake.
spanish 4 took 20. cake again.
today, web design was quite possibly the easiest test/exam ever. 10 minutes. :)
next is ap english. stupid ap tests. cant study for it, but who knows how good ill do on it.
then yearbook. aka, doing my nails and listening to the radio while layin on dusty couches.
then tomorrow i got honors precalc and ap us history. what a blast.

anyways. i like getting home. yesterday i just chilled all day. like, i laid ont he couch, watching mtv and reading a magazine/doing homework ahead for when ill be gone. thats what i did for like 3 hours. it was great.
until mom got home.
i dont know why, but it seems lately ive been extremely agitated with her. like, i wanna smack her up so bad. and thats not cool w/ me. shes always been the good one of the rents.

ive been thinking a lot lately.
lol big surprise.
or maybe im just more aware of my thinking.

either way, its cool. i like to know whats going on. ive figured out a lot about myself. and, of course, questioned other stuff about me enough to make me really wonder what the fuck is going on.
so i was set back, but i guess its ok because i know more.
wow, this is pointless.

... dance last night. i saw elicka. shes... everything i want to be. cute, skinny, sweet/innocent (at least when you first meet her lol). and an awesome dancer. she called me randomly last weekend from grecka's phone. lol that was amusing. i havent talked to her since she was in my dance class freshman year, when me her and emily white hung out a few times. and when i met jason. and grecka. and all those classy boys (haha right).

that whole group of rockford friends. they always thought i was so quiet. i cant even imagine. i remember i used to have to get a couple drinks in me before id say a word. and then theres the christian kids who now think im a slut, but originally.. idk what they thought of me originally actually, now that it hink about it. and the west kids, who think im some kind of bitchy, slutty genius. whatever.
but the thing that bugs me... is that i change to fit each group. sure, everyone does that a little bit or whatever. but this isnt right. ive changed my personality just based on who i hang out with. i was reading an article about this chick who dated 100 guys in 2 months and how she realized she needed to be more static in her personality. you cant please everyone. you just need to be you, no matter what your surroundings.
and i want to be like that. but its hard when all i really want to do is please people. cause when people are happy, then im happy. i need to be loved. im extremely codependent like that. at least my confidence is.

i dont know. im growing up. blah blah blah. finding out who i am. all the stupid cheesy-ass shit. :) but i guess its the only real way to put it.

mle

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 14 January :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: insomniac
:: Music: watching christina aguilera - beautiful on launch

i guess i dont even really know why im writing this.
maybe cause i just felt the urge to.

still up. talking to marcus. :)
i kidnapped matt for a lil bit tonight while i got new soccer shoes before my game. we drove around. he commented on my whole marcus deal, making sure i wasnt lying to myself to make it seem like theres something there that isnt. whatever. im cool w/ it. as long as we're still friends, i can manage to be in love w/ him when he doesnt feel the same.

i think about you all the time
but i dont need the same
(goo goo dolls - name)

i dont know what to say. lately ive been thinking more and more that im crazy. like.. the things that float through my head... the random connections and realizations about people and life in general...

wow. i think too much.
goodnight.

mle

4 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 8 January :: 11.20 pm
:: Mood: frustrated w/ my burner
:: Music: dope - you spin me right round

people are stupid.
throw rocks at them.

so grchs people are sayin mad crap about me and rikki. and our, uh sex life. sure, we deserve a little of it. but not this. and laura and renee (wc) are joining in.
to be honest, i dont really know whats all been said. and i dont care at all.
but rikki does. and i cant stand to see her so pissed off and screwed over. i would do whatever it takes to make things right. i just wish i knew what to do.

on another note, why im screwed, i think lucass is looking for something w/ me now that him and jenni broke up. but i dont think i want it anymore.

he IMed my cell tonight:
lucass: hi. you were a topic of discussion at the dinner table tonight ;)
mle: lol. what about me?
lucass:apparently im an idiot for not going out w/ u says tina and hilary.
lucass: also tina expressed how she was surprised that a 'gorgeous girl' like you kept coming over to see me
mle: lol. i find it amusing that they assuming such good things from trash.
lucass: stfu come over.

fyi: tina = mom, hilary = sister. and stfu = shut the fuck up

oh, and big fiasco went on tonight w/ the rents. and me and madre had a decent talk. after i totally flipped out at her, of course. but whatever. i explained my frustrations in regards to the absolute lack of privacy in the house. and about the diet pills.
shit, shes a dietician. she must feel like a failure living in our house. my dad is obese and was diagnosed w/ diabetes 2 yrs ago because of it. my brother is so obsessed w/ no-fat, no-sugar and exercising that his BMI is 18- about that of an anorexic's. and my mom has a tendancy to pick and eat at night. and my sister doesnt eat much. and me. well, we wont go there.

but i think im done. good night :)

mle

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 8 January :: 10.07 am
:: Mood: mixed
:: Music: wgrd bootleg cd

problems uncovered

730 this morning:
(mom walks in)
madre: im leaving. werent you supposed to be up an hour ago?
mle: shit. i missed student government. will you call in and say ill be a few minutes late?
madre: no. youre late for school, youre grounded.

fuck. so no shower. i havent washed my hair since monday morning. im scrubbing it beyond belief. i still cant find my book for english, due yesterday. i didnt fill out my stuff for work- due today. i missed the student government meeting for like the 10th time this year...

and the whole 10 minutes i was awake and still at home, my parents are bitching about me. like, going off at each other so loud i can hear them over the water and closed door as i brush my teeth.

and i flipped at mom last night over privacy. she doesnt know that i know that they know about the pills. lol, if that makes any sense...

and last night, no one was talking to me. like it was dead. so i tried to go to bed early. couldnt fall asleep. so i IMed matt from my cell (oh yea, and gerald took the laptop outta my room- GRR) as i laid in bed.

mle: i hate myself all over again. all the stupid shit i think and do and say. like, i dont want to hate myself, but i dont want to be me.
matt: be more specific
mle: ok. so im an immature, jealous, insecure, lazy bitch who lies to myself and everyone around me to cover up my agony.
matt: yea...

i dont know what to do. where to go. what to think. all i know is i dont want to see my parents ever again. i know theyre gonna confront me very soon. most likely about my mood swings and eating problems.
and im so uncontrollably pissed at them. for everything. i need to get out of the house.

and rikki, during first hour, was doing that lil thing she does to try to make me feel better. where she touches me a lot and jokes around, bein all rikki-ish. and then 5 minutes later, she comes back to my desk and talks about marcus and how theyre gonna go hang out next week cause they both dont have 2nd hour exam.
wrong thing to tell me.

i was thinking in first hour.. its the little things that make me. that break me. and right now, theyre tearing me apart. the little things like my mom walking in on me making food at 11 last night. like emily alt showing off her fuckin mickey mouse suspenders like she thinks people actually care.

this is crazy. im so mellow and depressed, yet so uncontrollably pissed at the world at the same time.

last night i realized i need an outlet. food is killing me. and writing ... i just suck, so i gave up on that. but thats a problem.. i have nothing that makes me happy. sure, late-night soccer was fun. i enjoyed checkin some of those girls into the boards :) but i suck at soccer. when it comes to ball handing skills... eh, yea no comment. dance used to be an outlet, but i suck at that too. and that *hurts* because thats something thats relaly important to me. plus, i screwed up my ankle during soccer on monday and i dont wanna dance on it outside of class so itll heal.

and so im back to where i started: how i hate mle. and how im a failure beyond all belief.

school is really bad for my mental health, i decided. like, i had chilled out about the whole ed thing for a while over break, even though the whole time i was conscious of it. i wasnt dying. and for a while, i considered myself "healthy".
yea. not anymore. now im thrown back into this worse than ever. im sick of the cycle: starve myself all day and then binge when i get home, go to bed for a few hours, wake up feeling like i want to die. because i refuse to allow myself to purge. i just wont do it anymore. but i cant stop the binge cycle...

this is turning into a lot longer of a journal entry that i had planned/wanted. i dont know where im going with this. all i know is shit is shaken up again and i just want out.

im considering skipping dance tonight because of my ankle. and going to see marcus. take him up on those open invitations to chill when shit gets bad...

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 7 January :: 1.47 am
:: Mood: wonderful
:: Music: christina aguilera - beautiful

wow. this is the best feeling ive ever had

ive been talking to marcus since i got home from my soccer game around 1130. and i lvoe it. like, mad serious talk.

and im loving it. he is the coolest person alive. i cant even begin to tell you. it hurts me that he hurts. but i guess thats what brought us here, isnt it?
his outlook is so much different than the other friends ive talked to about stuff before. he wants to get over it. he was all into "whenever youre feelin not so hot, just come over and we'll do fun stuff and not think about the shit" yea, my other friends are there for me i guess, but more like "oh, lets talk about it cause life sucks and listening to you will make me woeful too" hes just different. and i told him that.

i didnt get into the gory details about what problems i have exactly, but i did tell him how im a people pleaser and everything is for attention. that ive tried everything for attention, and flirting/slutstuff is just what works the best and is most "socially accepted".

marcus: if you want to talk perveredly or whatever fine but act the way that you realy want around me
marcus: you got to start or your going to get deeper and deeper into lettingothers make you decisions for you and then your fucked
mle: i know. and sometimes i get sick of faking just to make ppl happy
mle: but i stil cant get over the whole inferiority thing i guess u could call it
marcus: well your going to start hanging with just me some times
mle: lol ok dad

right now, im so much happier being for real with him than i ever was or could be by flirting or kissing him.

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 5 January :: 12.04 am
:: Mood: hurting. sick of life.
:: Music: avril - im with you

fuck this.
fuck you.
fuck me.
fuck everything.

i cant stand this.

at marcus's... i was so ungodly happy. even when he was paying more attention to rikki than me. but eventually we went to lauras. lots and lots of people were there. including emily.
of course, eventually (after like 10 mintues of me, rikki and marcus being there), emily ended up on his lap or whatever. and rikki wasnt feelin it either, so we left.
went to sarah sobe's. that sucked too. so we left there after a few minutes and just drove. all the way out to coopersville.

rikki knew how bummed i was. and she wouldnt leave my side. i feel bad for bringing her down...

and matt's being a jerk about this whole thing. im so upset w/ him.

ive got nowhere to go. and im dying. i couldtn even make it home from rikkis w/o breaking down in tears.
this is really shitty...

mle

7 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 4 January :: 12.27 pm
:: Mood: dead. depressed. overwhelmed.
:: Music: crazytown - drowning

last night i carried on the tradition:
mle gets pissed.
mle dyes hair.
mle takes drugs.
mle gets on guys.
mle cries.

my hair is now close to black.

last time i dyed it randomly, it was close to burgundy/red.
i was pissed at my parents.
this time im pissed at the world.

so am i still waiting
for this world to stop hating
cant find a good reason
cant find hope to believe in
(sum41 - still waiting)

idk what to tell you. i had nothing to do last night, so i just went over lucass's and watched the shining. weird-ass movie. and we cheated on his gf again. thats just fuckin weird if you ask me... she doesnt care what/who he does, as long as she doesnt hear about it. oh well

i dont know. i gave up my missions because i dont wanna turn into a horny druggie lil slut. but i still search out guys to get on. and drugs to take.

last night, i would have paid $50 for just a pint.. or a bowl.
and that kinda scared me.

my parents found my diet drugs. since my bro is a pharmicist, theyre makin him look shit up on it. but they havent told me.
im pissed. they dont know how to mind their own business. they havent told me they know, but i know they know. shit, i just use them for the ephedra in em. its virtually legalized speed. and a hell of a lot cheaper too.
so i got rid of my 2 empty 1/5 bottles. they dont need to find those too.

i know its coming.. theyre gonna send me to some kinda psycho rehab center bc i have issues and they thing i have a dependency problem on drugs/alcohol.

well fuck them. im fine.

mle

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 3 January :: 3.21 pm
:: Mood: exhausted. mentally. physically. emotionally.
:: Music: trustcompany - downfall

boys are stupid.
throw rocks at them.

so went to lucass's yesterday. i called when i told him i would, but his mom was pissy. so i just drove. and drove. all the way to muskegon. then i decided to head back. it was cool to just chill and listen to one of my acoustic cds.
i did make it over there later for a couple hours or so. we chilled w/ his lil sis. and by that i mean she was on the computer and we were on the couch. cheating on his girlfriend. and i finished the last of his weed. and we made out some more. and i left.
i dont know how i feel about that situation anymore. like, he says things that make me have worth. but something tells me its not right.
and that marcus is.
but i cant have marcus.
and why am i still thinking about him?

im in a daze. last night was boring. i completed my mission 3/4 the way again. so im up to 3.25 or sumthin like that. who knows.

things swiftly come and go
im dreaming of him
hes seeing other girls
emotions are stirred
the sun is gone
the nights are long
and im left here while the tears fall...
my heart is crushed by a former love
can you help me find a way to carry on again?
(the all-american rejects - swing swing)

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 1 January :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: semi-recovered from earlier's complete breakdown
:: Music: butch walker - sober

3.5 hour convo online. just me and marcus.
i know so much, but the more i know,
the harder i fall...

he told me so much today. like, unbelievable. i had no clue about a lot of it. and he said that he told me a lot more than most people know. but he was so incredibly open about it. like, i was shocked how the words just stumbled out. maybe im just too used to having to pump every little detail out of matt... or maybe he just really needed to get it out.
but it kills me because every word that came from his mouth (well, in this case, every word he typed), i fell harder. and harder. when he first told me he was seriously into emily and that me and him were just flirting, i tried to blow it off. i kept telling myself its just marcus. and of course, i did the thing where u think up all their flaws and magnify them to break your attraction. and it worked for a little while.
well, not anymore.
im really kinda head over heels for him. this is so sad. i know im just screwing myself over. and it kills.

i havent been heartbroken since brad broke up with me over a year ago.

but then again, i hadnt been as happy as i was since brad...

gerald made me stay home. i was pissed... but i guess it worked out ok because if i had to see emily and marcus together tonight, i would have relapsed into my psychotic fury of tears like i broke down into after me and marcus stopped talking so he could go out.

wandering this house like ive never wanted out
and this is about as social as i get now
and im throwing away the letters that i am writing you
cause they will never do
i will never do
(dashboard confessional - saints and sailors)

and i talked to lucass again. hes not too happy having jenni for a girlfriend. but hes sticking it for for a little bit. he thinks maybe he'll fall for her if he sticks it out. but why would you want to? if he knows its wrong... and he knows something else is right...
he showed me the lyrics to a short little song he wrote about it. like how hes doing wrong even though he knows whats right. and how he feels more alone now than when he didnt have a girlfriend. he was pretty bummed today too.
and i kinda re-fell for him too. like, i the back of my head, i know there are things about him that would cause a serious issue if we were together... but he makes me feel so special.
hes not afraid to tell me how he feels. he was so in love with me last year (and i was oblivious). and he still has those feelings, just cluttered by desires for random hoes. but i mean... lucass...

it wasnt supposed to be like this
another dose of unhappiness
i gave it all and managed to get shot down yet again
so i got drunk
had sex with all your friends
you told me to never call your house again
(bowling for soup - emily)

ok so maybe i just made out w/ a couple of his friends. but thats basically true w/ marcus.
it just hit me today. when it comes to sex, ive turned into a guy. with this whole mission thing (ive now completed it 2.75 times - curfew got in the way last night). like. ill make out w/ anyone. anytime. and i go searching for it too. like, determined searching for it. same thing goes for drugs. everytime im w/ lucass, i make sure i get some random drug.
what the hell is wrong w/ me? why am i trying to force myself on guys like that? oh yea, because thats the only attention i get anymore.

but when i kissed marcus and lucass... it was different. lucass knows it. marcus probably didnt. but you know that feeling in the bottom of your stomach...

im reaching out to hold onto anything i can...
but i cant help but fall

mle

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2002 31 December :: 2.47 pm
:: Mood: kinda tired. stressed/anxious/excited for tonight
:: Music: none. network isnt working.

my new years resolution is:
stay true to myself
and what i believe in

which of my wc hoes are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

well i made the damned quiz. good thing i turned out to be myself huh?

mle

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2002 30 December :: 10.33 am
:: Mood: bummed theres no snow
:: Music: goldfinger - superman

boys are always hotter when you cant have them.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2002 28 December :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: mellow. tired.
:: Music: matchbox20 - busted (acoustic)

mission accomplished
two nights in a row ;)
four guys. one girl.
two drugs.
0:)

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2002 27 December :: 1.01 pm
:: Mood: better. semi-motivated to get up and shower get ou
:: Music: ok go - get over it

just because things arent what they seem
doesnt mean you shouldnt dream
(the ataris - life makes no sense)

mle has a date for tonight! yay. maybe i dont have to give up on boys completely. i love eric. i dont really wanna go to a movie, but hey, its something to do *not* involving my old friends. and i know he'll make me feel better.

speaking of "old friends" im so bittersweet about that. like, i was just starting to realy enjoy myself with the christian kids and feel semi-attached and loved. but... now i feel obligated to bring rikki and alters. and i dont wanna all the time. and with all the fun being sucked out, i dont think i wanna go there anymore. matt was givin me crap for it lol. he doesnt beleive me that im done. and maybe im not. but i wanna be. we were talkin bout new years (no clue what to do) and he basically told me i was gonna be wherever he was. lol. that kid... if only he was hot, or even cute at least... wow, im kinda a shallow little bitch sometimes.

now that youre leaving
it complicates our lives
but i am the reason
that i will stay alive
(audiovent - the energy)

sure, boys screw shit up. but they make it all ok. and dammit, im not gonna let fucking marcus bring me down. its not worth it. hes not worth it. i need to keep my happiness burst, and dammit im going to.

are you gonna live your life
wondering, standing in the back looking around?
are you gonna waste your time
thinking how you broke up or missed out
things are never gonna be just what you want
whats it gonna get you acting serious?
(jimmy eat world - praise chorus)

sometime or another, ill find a real guy that i actually like.. without forcing myself. and then i wont have to force this happiness.
cant wait till that day ;)

mle

go ahead. do it.