just a little something i found scratched on the back of "songs for ana"
Indescribable, Unpredictable

i can't live this way
i can't find the words to say
exactly how i feel-
what broke the seal
and flooded me with tears,
released all my fears;
what caused this depression
and threw me into regression;
what shattered my heart
and tore my soul apart.
who'd have known
from the perfection shown
that a three-digit number
drew me to that slumber;
one simple reflection
would cause such rejection;
one innocent dream
would unravel my seams...

shit
"fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck" (cartman - south park)... i think ive been caught... i will seriously shit my pants and shoot myself if i have...

i dont want to go to bed. im not an insomniac, i just dont want to have to wake up tomorrow morning. i dont want to have to live my life. i just want to sit here, numb till im paralized. im deteriorating every day. i cant beleive i can feel this way.

i just wrote a poem for class. i have to share tomorrow, but i hope i dont have to explain everything: some things are super-personal that could get me in big trouble w/ school.
(read the starting letters of each line to help you follow along)

Short-Term Memory

start of it all:
increasing perfection,
xenophobia nonexistent.
the pure bliss of it all:
happiness, confidence, satisfaction

so simplistic
except our longing for drama,
viciously climbing to the top.
everyone began the assuming,
never bothering to ask.
the truth was revealed to me, him:
happiness slipping away

for the middle year
resting between oblivion and obsession-
enchanted by a lingering naivety
shattered by a swelling scar.
hidden within, i staged a show,
manifesting an intangible dream.
acid slowly corroding myself,
never blinded by the rising sun

sincerity, honesty
only pushed them away.
practicing my own religion,
hoping for a savior,
only i knew the depths of my creed.
my foolishness exposed:
of course, i was hurt again,
ready to see some red, because
everything has changed.

mle

i feel a stress attack starting...

yea... back to my wonderful little world of anxiety. tomorrow is a totally way-packed day. and i dont want to do any of it. as always. i seriously, just want to die. i cannot stand this anymore.

yea, so today is the worst day of my life:
i bought a size 13 capris. i want to die. seriously. that is the absolute WORST thing ive ever had happen to me. i want to just keel over. i hope i do, actually.

i love clothes and fashion, etc so much, but its so torturous now. i mean, try shopping for 3 hours w/ your sister who's 5 years older and 8 sizes smaller...

i need time
i need space
i need me
(britney spears - overprotected)

i need to be skinny

mle

went out w/ markie's friends tonight. it was a lot of fun -- ive never met so many new kids in 1 night in my life! it was cool, even though i think people were confused that me and him are touchy-feely even though im his "ex" (i hate that word!) but whatever.
he was bein a total sweetie --> :) and was so concerned (in a cute way) about me and how i was doing and totally listened to me for a while just go on. im so glad he still does this after 2 years of torturing him w/ it back in 7th/9th grade.
he did say that sometimes he missed me and wished we were still together. i dont. i love how this is now: just friends, but good friends. hes been there since the very beginning of my probs, back in 7th grade, and he knows who i really can be, who i used to be before the world turned its back on me.

but all night... i kept thinking.. (which i do a lot if you havent noticed!)... at any given moment, im thinking about food or bodies or something related to that. seriously. every second. thats not normal, is it? i cant even imagine what itd feel like to not pay excruciatingly close attention to what im eating and tear myself up for anything i ate earlier. the pure freedom of eating whatever, whenever. omg. i cant even imagine.

i decided, if i were skinny, id be happy.
but since im not skinny, im not happy

mle

i wish i didnt struggle with these things...

mle

3rd shitty day... and counting

please come now
i think im falling...
hold me now
im six feet from the edge
and im thinking maybe six feet aint so far down
im so far down
(creed - one last breath)

and the war rages on...
i havent felt this horrible since my serious bout w/ depression back in late fall. and thats when my bulimia started. i wonder what new complexity ill attain this time around. im kinda worried it mite be something more dangerous.
im scared shitless, totally freaked out of my mind: suicide. i havent thought about it seriously in so long. but its back. and im fighting so hard not to succomb to its lies, but its seems hopeless. the only way out. i know its not, but i cant find any other exits from this place.

i traced the cord back to the wall
no wonder, it was never plugged in at all
(blink 182 - adam's song)

i find no ease, no pleasure, no satisfaction in anything. at all. i want to quit dance. and that says a lot.
nothing seems worthwhile. at all! the thought of commitments, school, people, waking up in the morning.... they all shove me deeper and deeper down into my ocean. ive got so much water in my lungs that its a struggle to stay alive.
i think i have some kind of anxiety disorder...

im sinking slowly
so hurry hold me
(michelle branch - all you wanted)

mle

shitty day #2

running on less than 3 hours sleep and i had to work w/ lil kids twice as long as norm. crazy. school is just - omg, i want to kill myself when im in school. well i do either way, but you get what i mean.
life is getting way mundane and redundant and just pure torture. i seriously find nothing worthwhile anymore. i really am sick of this world and everything/one in it.

i hate this place
i want to die
fuck the world
good riddance, goodbye


im here all the time
i wont go away
yea its me
yea well i cant get myself to go away
hey, its me and i cant get myself to go away
oh god, i shouldnt feel this way
reach down your hand in your pocket
pull out some hope for me
its been a long day, always
(matchbox20 - long day)

and then dad sent me flowers. (he works in detroit all week) totally did not even expect them - especially from him! it totally made my day - and made up for the PMSy way hes been treating me lately. but still... once they die, i will too.

mle

last night

i went down to saugatuck w/ cheryl last night to visit sara. we went to the crash site and relived burt's last drive, even listening to the same song he was when he died. it was hard not to cry - and i didnt even know him! sara's still hurting - bad. she talked about him all the time. a bunch of their friends got tattoos in memory of burt. its really sad. i dont know how she could continue living. i wouldnt be able to.

on a lighter note, we went to the orbit room. it was so much fun. i danced w/ this guy - i know his lil sis! how cracked out is that?! and he got kicked out for "dancing too close" or something. that wasnt cool. but oh well.
i loved sara's friends - her neighbor john (i went to homecoming w/ his lil bro) is sooo cool. omg. lol - id get w/ him in a heartbeat. but too far away.
but still... i havent met a guy i really liked in a long time. and he was totally awesome...

there was a britney contest @ the orbit room last nite, and the chick that won had a little bit of a gut (like me). but katie was totally going off about how fat she was! i was thinking... "wow, what do you think of me? obese?" it killed me. i feel like shit about my body.. still.. as always. and im so sick of it.

i cant take any more of this. im going to go wallow in my own misery.

mle

im going crazy! i swear! i wanted to rip my hair out and scream and beat the shit outta someone and cry and run to bed and sleep. all at the same time during 7th hour. im losing it completely! its not even 1 thing in general either! i dont know what the fuck is going on w/ me!
carrie/brad. ah. im gonna shoot myself over that deal. i want to bitch slap her until she realizes he's gonna hurt her cuz she cant give him what he wants.
people who are cocky or just totally negative for attention just piss the hell outta me! ah! i wanna hit them all! people who are fake - theyre even worse!
school.. i cant beleive i held in my tears during 2nd-4th hours today. i wanted to die. school brings about so many problems and/or makes them worse! i cant stand failing anymore...

collect me monotone
cause i think im falling to pieces
im so strange, you should've known
as im licking the salt off these spoons

i can't handle it
im intolerate
ill rip off my shirt and do it again
i wont throw a fit
i dont give a shit
(splender - monotone)

im letting other people drive me crazy! i seriously cant stand to live anymore. i cant put up w/ this shit!

every day, every way
i smell of suicide
(soil - halo)

this has got to break.
this has got to end.
some how, some way.
ive got to break the cycle.

mle

busy-ass day -- pardon me while i burst

i need you to hear
i need you to see
that i have had all i can take
and exploding seems like a definate possibility to me

so pardon me while i bust into flames
ive had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games
(incubus - pardon me)

im definately ready to just lie in bed for a day. being on the golf course today (taking pictures for yearbook) was so awesome. and last night, writing w/ candles and goo goo dolls playing in the background. beautiful. i need to do that more often. but i need sleep more. im running outta fuel for life, yet im not really burning fuel. its just gone.

and im losing my hair like fuckin what...

mle

dance tonight was not fun. we performed ballet for a company class (4th-8th grade competitive) and some younger jazz class. we totally got shown up.
we always tease the company girls bc theyre so bitchy and stuck-up, but in reality i would do anything to be one of them. im dying inside bc all i want is to be something im not.
all i want is to not be myself.

mle

just rambling on...

so i just got up from a 2 hour nap. there goes my big plans for actually DOING something today. oh well - i shoulda seen it coming. im just a failure and thats what failures do: fail.

ill kill myself
ill put my face in the news
(silverchair - suicidal dream)
cuz im not goin anywhere in life otherwise..

i just got another email from sara - my friend whose bf died. i think im gonna go visit her this weekend. i hope at least. marianna, who might as well have lost her bf, makes me wanna cry. i love her and it kills me to see her so upset. god, what can i do? ive never lost anyone to death, so how can i help?

well bradley is goin on my out-west trip now. :) yay! so is bennay and my cheerleaders and carrie. ... brad and carrie... i dont like that situation. i dont know why, but i just dont want them together. who knows. kate is still dying. she broke down in tears when me and bradley walked by her this morning. i wanted to cry w/ her. everyone jokes about it - i mean, the poor girl thought she could keep him hers w/ sex, but that gets old. and then she got turned down by him and 2 of his friends to go to prom. id be crying too. i wish shed be happy so my conscience would feel sane.

mle

kickin ass <<------->> ass kicked
kick ass day.
its been a while since i could say that. i genuinely had a good day! YES! i was totally hyper/slap-happy today. all day! not just for a few minutes! it was wonderful. i was totally crazy @ work. lol - i love those lil kids. its so much fun to teach them gymnastics. i just wish i could get back into it.

actually, i had a relatively low-body-conscious day today (well, for me @ least). but i read 2 articles in old magazines over the weekend about "big girls" and just speaking out about it and everything. they had girls on their panels who wore size 12. i remember reading that article 2 years ago and thinking that was huge. now, size 9 or 11 is the norm. i want to kill myself. i tell my mom that all the time, but she doesnt realize how serious i am about it. my weight is enough to commit suicide over. sounds pathetic, huh? it is. but its how i feel and i feel like shit.

mle

kathy -

i just want to apoligize to you. i shouldnt have written that last entry under this name. that was a mistake that i didnt realize at the time.
i know im a bitch, and i know im self-centered. ive tried to change, but its hard for me to be any other way. i got sick of getting hurt because im so weak and vulnerable. so i front. and it works. no one loves me.

waking up is hard to do
when no one loves you
(mxpx - buildings tumble)

and that is #2 on my surprisingly short list of problems w/ myself/my life: no one loves me.

mle