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2002 21 April :: 11.37 am
:: Mood: mellow, a tad on the depressed side
:: Music: bryan adams - please forgive me
friends
so i officially say "fock tha word, bicth" to my friends. (inside joke - i.e. "fuck the world, bitch")
i realize my problems w/ my friend come from the fact that im extremely selfish/jealous and have a horrible instinct for revenge. so whenever someone is happy and popular and perfect, i want to kill them. anything i can do to make them less perfect (even if the flaw is in my mind), ill do it.
i hate being left out, as most do. but i always am. my friends just straight up dont give a shit. they dont care. they dont like me. im not the "magnetic personality" type, i guess. ive been screwed over my whole life.
people constantly forget about me. so fuck it - now its their turn.
im going to forget them.
mle
3 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 18 April :: 8.40 pm
GUESS WHAT
What kind of drunk are you?
lol - kathy. the sad thing is, its so damned true... :( or so ive heard
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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2002 18 April :: 6.01 pm
another thing i cant get outta my head that pat said: "i dont really know them and they sure as hell dont know me"
that just echoes in my mind. he was talking about some guys who were being jerks to him, but its really true. if i think about it, i feel like no1 really knows me. sure, kathy knows some, and mark used to. but not anymore.
i suddenly feel really alone.
the truth really hurts:
im still just as introverted as ever.
and no one knows me.
and no one loves me.
and no one cares.
and for a reason...
im not a knowable, lovable, careable person.
im me.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 18 April :: 5.47 pm
:: Mood: fat. yes that is a mood. for me at least.
:: Music: silverchair - shade
so i just got home from the mall w/ pat (lookin for prom dresses *rolls eyes*). he doesnt agree w/ my hypothesis that hes a stereotypical gay guy, only hes definately heterosexual. hmm i give up on that battle. but anyways - it was cool to hang out w/ him again. but i can only take so much of his constant lying. thats a major pet peeve: when people feel the need to lie/overexaggerate so they can say theyve done everything and are just flat out perfect. carrie, pat, laura, tuna, keith and mary sometimes. they all do it. i kinda wonder if i do it too...
i have this assignment in creative writing. its really cool. but i just cant seem to get it out of my head and onto paper. its a combination of my fascination w/ lyrics and psychology. i was thinking of connecting 1 of the kids i taught gymnastics to one of the freshmen (so i would only know them through observation). and explain their whole psychological makeup. all my poems to date are about me and my feelings, bc thats what matters the most - no1 really cares about me, so therefore i am left w/ that bitch of a chore.
the problem w/ the idea? i cant focus. im way too scatterbrained lately for my liking. its making everything so hard. ugh. *sigh*
note to mle: go chill w/ mia when youre done w/ this
one more thing - pat always referred to time in relation to our trip to europe last july. example: "jenny got in a car accident 2 months before our trip." but its so true - i think of that as a major turning point and landmark in my life, along w/ a couple other random things, like mark. god, i always kinda wonder "what if.." what if i never met mark? what if i never skipped that grade? i always wonder where im going. i need a destination, but i dont know what i want yet.
*sigh* i feel like shit all of a sudden. dad just came in and told me i looked sick. maybe i am. who knows. im way too dramatic for my own good, i know. but i cant help it - im a dramatic person.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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2002 17 April :: 10.19 pm
:: Mood: depressed : fed up, dissatisfied, bored w/ everyth
:: Music: silverchair - emotion sickness
nearing the bottom
so the day gets worse as it goes on. again.
as always.
life is so redundant, so routine.
i hate it.
i need a change.
high school sucks. not going into it though.
being fat sucks. but youve heard plenty about that topic.
AHH im just SO SICK of this cycle of going over and over and over in my mind and in my life. when will this stop? i need a change of pace, to break the mold. or something, at least. cuz this is driving me insane. i need to get out.
would you beleive me if i said
i was tired of this...
i never thought id end up here
never thought id be where i am
i guess i kinda thought that
itd be easier than this i guess
well i was wrong one more time
(lifehouse - sick cycle carousel)
life is a sick cycle. and i want out.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 16 April :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: hot!
:: Music: drowning pool - sinner
i almost died of heat stroke in ballet
this heat sucks. lol. ive made a joke outta it - by wearing all black on mon and cords and long sleeves today. screw the summery clothes.
this reminds me how much i hate summer. yea sure theres no school, but theres work and depression from shorts and swimsuits and the general lack of fun and abundance of pain ive had in past summers. true, this summer isnt here yet so i can still change the outcome of it, but i know its inevitable: im fat and dont have many friends whose company i enjoy, therefore summer is almost worst than school. but thats just my outlook. if you enjoy summer, well la de da - good for fuckin you. have fun having sex on the beach. i will be sleeping my miserable self to sleep or getting plastered w/ 4 other kids in some1's basement.
but in a more uplifting (kinda) feeling. only like 1/2 of my dance class was there tonight - and it was most of the people i like- woohoo! we did some modern dance, which i love. so i was happy. and cruising down plainfield w/ the windows down and klq blasting was fun, even though my mom was flipping out for tailgating and speeding. oh well. and the slurpee on the way home was a plus, too. sometimes i just get in super feel-good moods. :) and sometimes i wanna die. :(
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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2002 16 April :: 4.09 pm
:: Mood: blah blah blah - just shoot me now
:: Music: garbage - the trick is to keep breathing
yes i know i just wrote an entry in here, but its me - i mean, its now a joke between me and kathy that i update this god-awful thing every 5 minutes. what can i say? ive got nothing better to do (except sleep, and trust me, that will be happening in a couple minutes)
so my day goes according to plan: sleep in, leave late, race to finish homework right before its due, fail a couple tests/quizzes, become miserable, fall asleep a few times, become more miserable, laugh about retarded shit in 6th hour, become more depressed, then come home and eat. school is *so* predictable. we were talking about home school during 3rd hour today. id love it. like, id hate not leaving home and seeing people, but for me, throwing me in a hot room w/ 25 other peers is not exactly going to make me focus. i mean, itd be perfect to just do all my work compacted into a few hours and then go to some social group or something. but NO i have to drag through every fucking day, hoping its my last. im about ready to shoot myself from this crazy conformity. every day is the same as the last: torture. cant they see that school does NOTHING but SCAR me so badly it will never go away? i wish i would just go away...
so thats what im going to do. goodnite, and if i dont see you, good morning, good riddance and goodbye
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 16 April :: 3.55 pm
:: Mood: sick of everything. partly school. mostly myself.
:: Music: fuel - bad day
a little something im writing as i type
over and over
every day i want to die,
wasting my strength to silence my cry
it starts out fine
everything is well and good
until my intentions become misunderstood
then it all goes to hell
my day crumbles downward
and my tears burn unheard
by the end, im hardly pulling through
i know my schedule has just begun
yet i cant help but come undone
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 April :: 4.38 pm
:: Mood: empty in every sense of the word
:: Music: eminem - rock bottom
"this journal entry is dedicated to all the happy people who have real nice lives"
i hate simplicity
i hate complication
i hate perfection
i hate flaws
i hate clothes
i hate nakedness
i hate consciousness
i hate drunkedness
i hate the beautiful people
i hate ugly people
i hate super-skinniness
i hate obesity
i hate you
i hate me
mle
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 April :: 2.22 pm
:: Mood: that good feeling you get after exercising
:: Music: 'n sync feat nelly - girlfriend (remix)
dance... :)...... :(
ok i know that song is kinda not me, but to be honest, i really like it. god, if a guy ever sang that to me, id cry. no matter who the guy was! its so sweet - thats why i dont particularly like boy band ballads - theyre all so fake. guys dont really feel that way (well, sometiems they do, and when that happens, they could never express it like that!)
but anyways.. dance dance dance. i just spent 20 min going over my jazz solo (yea - its to ac/dc - back in black lol go old school metal!) i wanna do it for talent show, but eh, the notorious body image peeks its fuckin head around the corner and yells at me. i can never win.
well, im not really ready to perform it anyways, but i could work on it enough to get to that point by wed if i was really set on doing it.
but after attempting to keep my clothes on me all day and squirming around and just going through the hell i call "wearing street clothes in public" i dont want to go through any more shit w/ my body. if i went to a public school and could wear sweatshirts and pj pants every day, i guarantee my grades would go way up because then i could actually focus instead of praying the guy behind me cant see my thong or messing w/ my shirt so i wont get yelled at because "skin is evil" according to west catholic. ah! so frustrating/distracting!!
well i gotta go to my HOUR LONG solo class - torture!
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 14 April :: 9.51 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful - whats new?
:: Music: 3 doors down - loser
why do i update my journal 10x more than everyone else?!
i always knew i had no life, but when i check my friends journals and mine like 4x a day, it starts to tell you that ive REALLY got no life. lol. idk. maybe its because i have no hobbies and no interests and no sports besides dance 3 days a week. im always too tired/unmotivated to do them. i mean, sleep or get frustrated playin guitar? you see my dilemma? nothing makes me happy enough to put effort into it except sleep. so thats what i do: i sleep.
im a loser, baby
so why dont u kill me?
(beck - loser)
haha ^^^^ thats classic. love that song. its so retarded and pointless. kinda like songs by cake. theyre good too.
so - is there a point in this journal? i think not. but ill talk bout something w/ substance just to justify this so i dont look even more of a lifeless loser than i really am.
markie came over to help set up our trampoline. i think hes helped me every year (3 years? 4?) its like a tradition now! he was totally like touching me every minute. it feels so natural (quack quack quack, captain obvious - u only went out w/ him for over 1 1/2 years, mle) but then its also weird bc its been so long and now he likes laura and we're so not even close to hooking up again. i dont know whats up w/ that. but hes always touching me. and he still has this obsession w/ my boobs.
**ok - what the hell is guys fascination w/ boobs? especially when theyve seen the same ones like 200x? they dont change?! whats so cool? they just get in the way! ill never understand that**
mle
6 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
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2002 14 April :: 3.09 pm
:: Mood: numb, i feel heavy
:: Music: joydrop - beautiful (acoustic)
absent
the sun is shining, its warm outside, i bought new clothes, i have no homework, mark and brad are good friends w/ me again, my social life involves people again, and ive had sincere fun lately. but im empty still. something is missing. theres this big hole inside and i cant even begin to theorize what should be there.
what is going on? im so genuinely happy, but im so depressed. i want to get up and dance, but im on the verge of tears. why?
cause im not beautiful like you
im beautiful like me
(joydrop - beautiful)
i need to go visit mia. then take a nap. good riddance to you, to me, to everything.
i just want to be beautiful like you.
if i was beautiful like you,
all the things i would do...
if i was beautiful like you,
id never be at fault...
if i was beautiful like you,
id be quick to assume...
if i was beautiful like you,
id have so many friends...
that will never be
that will never, never be
cause im not beautiful like you
im not beautiful like you
im not beautiful like you
im beautiful like me
(joydrop - beautiful)
and beautiful like me is the ugliest you could possibly be.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 13 April :: 11.58 pm
:: Mood: calm/relaxed/content/tranquil
:: Music: dishwalla - counting blue cars
i love driving around aimlessly
tonight was the most random, pointless night of driving around and eating. between playing hide-and-go-seek w/ 4 cars, chillin in the meijer parking lot, eating like 5 times, "bonfire" @ my house, peeing all over buildings, and just chillin @ kathys, we did absolutely nothing. but im glad i did it. tonight was fun. im so glad i didnt go w/ mark to his friend's. the best part of the whole night was the last half hour - where steffen, carrie, brad and me piled into the tahoe and just cruised around the back roads toward the lake shore. he was going 80, with the mellow acoustic songs just blaring and the windows down. so relaxing, so releiving. it was beautiful. i wanted to curl up in a ball and fall asleep just as content as can be.
i totaly forgot to mention in my journal 2 of the best things possible coming true:
1) me and brad (last boyfriend - weird/bad break up) are cool now. like, we're not just saying it like we did back in jan - we're like, totally fine w/ each other. thurs i saw him in the hall and he initiated a conversation w/ me. i wanted to die i was so happy. it made my day! i cant even tell you how long ive waited for us to be like this again.
2) me and mark are cool again too. (lol - what a coincidence - another old bf) like we're all hanging out all the time again and everything. the best part of me and mark is: he *cares* about me agian. like, he worries about me. normally id feel bad about it (and i do) but its the best feeling in the world to know that he truly still loves me for me and still cares about me so much. and i mean, me and him go way back, like 4-5 years, and hes seen so many sides of me, what i used to be in grade school to what i am now as a sophmore. this kid has been to hell and back w/ me and for me, and i love him to death. he knows me better than anyone else ever has. im so grateful to have these guys back in my life.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 13 April :: 10.32 am
:: Mood: distressed - kinda
:: Music: silverchair - emotion sickness
jason, jason, jason and the rockford crew
why is it that i always wanted friends like the group in rockford i used to hang out w/, yet whenever me and jason make plans, i never want to go? it makes no sense. im thisclose to calling him and tellin him im still sick and cant hang out today (even though ive been fine since like 1pm yesterday). i dont know what to do. this sucks. its always so awkward.
i think its because when im with them, i dont want to be myself. i want to act how i used to be (hyper, energetic, crazy, fun) but i cant unless im drinking (which usually happens anyways). and because its rockford (and they mock emily for being fat when shes not at all) and im surrounded by the beautiful people, i just hate myself more and more. i hate my body, i hate my personality, i hate my face, i hate how i dress. everything! i really should call him and ditch, but i dont know.. he'll give me shit about it, i know he will. not like he realy wants to hang out w/ me that bad. hes got plenty of other hoes.
get online jason! i dont wanna have to call you!! whats the point in saying that in here? wow im dumb lol. i should go and mope around for another couple hours before i finally make up my mind to quit being a pussy and either go or call him.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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2002 11 April :: 5.53 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: j. lo feat. big pun - feelin so good
its kinda amazing how just listenin to some good ole pop music can get me in a good mood and dancing around. weird. lol britney may be a hoe w/ a fake voice, but dammit i love some of her songs (so unlike me if u really know me)
wow, its been a slow day. ive already gone through the motions, if you know what i mean, and taken a nap and thought it was friday afternoon when i woke up. lol i love that feeling! but its not fri and i dont care - its still goregous out.
"its a great day to be alive
i know the sun's still shining when i close my eyes
theres some hard times in the neighborhood,
but why cant every day feel just this good?"
(travis tritt - its a great day to be alive)
well i gotta go dance around some more and spread fertilizer para mi padre - i *offered* to help. what the hell has gotten into me? lol when i told him, he almost shit his pants!
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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