My heart in a headlock.

My heart in a headlock.

:: 2004 3 June :: 8.12 am

F Fashionable
A Arty
Y Yucky
Y Yucky
E Excellent
R Refined

:: 2004 31 May :: 1.43 pm
:: Music: deftones - lotion

simple delightful darla dimple!
don't ask about the subject, it's just that line from that cartoon that i can't stop thinking about. *shoots self* i've recruited ozy as a double boner! woohu! and i've disclosed to him my obsession/fetish with confetti. don't feel bad for me, i'm not sad! *sniff*

the point is, SHAIMAH'S COMING! WOOOOOHU! june 8th, i can't wait. june 7th i'm officially a senior. *cough* yes, i rock, bow down to me. *dances*

i'm updating because it's been a while. i'm sure yall missed me insanely. it's ok, my little ones, i'm here now. rest your anxious souls. *pets*

ok i'm done. wish me luck! exams... *scary music*

1 shot darling | bang bang

:: 2004 30 May :: 11.13 am

Informationi

moana is a restricted area. Authorised personel only

2 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 30 May :: 2.29 am

my father's a right bastard. i can't believe he's doing this to me. first he forbids me from studying abroad, then he tells me flatly he's not paying for my tuition. he says i'll be just fine in government school. "in fact," he says " forget the last year of high school, stay home, get married like a good kuwaiti girl." insane bastard. i can't believe he'd just ruin my entire future like this. it's bad enough he spent all my life savings and all my brother's life savings paying for the last three years of my tuition, not paying ANYTHING out of his own damn full pocket, but now that i have no money in my savings and he wants it so that i have no high school education and no education afterwards, he wants me to be a prisoner of my marriage. just ike my mother was. i thank God everyday she had a good education and a well-paying job, otherwise i'd be playing housemaid to my "husband" right now. he knows if she hadn't had that job or that education she wouldn't have left him, and he's getting revenge through me. unbelievable. just unbelievable. it's been nice going to school here, i'm sure i'm gonna enjoy horny lesbian land when i'm stuck in friggin government school next year.

3 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 30 May :: 2.09 am

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

bang bang

:: 2004 24 May :: 1.37 pm
:: Mood: in pain
:: Music: modest mouse - dramamine

got my braces put on this morning. yay. shoot me.

so i got to school at around 8 30. computer class. the usual. the bell rings and i make my way to klatt's room and receive an envelope telling me about the results of my interview for MUN officer. i go to history class next. bored out of my wits. i open the envelope. i didn't make it. concubine did! i'm so happy for her. bummed for me. oh well. ayah's president. amirah's social. catherine's human rights. nadeeka's environment. concubine is disarmament. dzaner and zed didn't get anything. yeah. neither did i. oh well.

7 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 22 May :: 12.01 pm

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: deftones

Are you male or female: rx queen
Describe yourself: teenager
How do some people feel about you: when girls telephone boys
How do you feel about yourself: can't even breathe
Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: good morning beautiful
Describe where you want to be: korea
Describe what you want to be: elite
Describe how you live: change (in the house of flies)
Describe how you love: nosebleed
Share a few words of wisdom: be quiet and drive (far away)

bang bang

:: 2004 22 May :: 11.35 am
:: Music: mercenary - clutch my shoulders

yeah, that...
i had the interview afterschool today for MUN officers and presidents. i don't think i got it. i thought i did pretty well, but i just don't see it happening. i don't stand a chance against ayah, dzaner, amirah, concubine. who'm i kidding? i sat there during the interview, answering real things, giving real answers, and now i think back and all i wanna do is go back in time and do it all over again only differently. i must have been the fool, sitting there with my shoes untied and my pants too baggy and my hair too short and my jewelery too black. walking in after the guy in the dress pants and the guy who wore a belt (A BELT! TO SCHOOL!) and the girl with the 4.2 GPA, and there i was, sitting, defending my 3.2 GPA, trying to make four teachers believe i deserved this. i just really wanted this, it's my last chance. i wanted to experience it once. and now it's too late, i had my chance and fucked up. does it matter anymore? not really. lesson learned too late. all that's left now is regret, remorse, rejection, hurt, all over something as silly as being MUN oficer. i don't know why i'm making a big deal out of it. i guess i just wanted it, to prove to myself i could have. i'll probably not get that kind of chance again. oh well.

3 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 20 May :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: buzzed
:: Music: banana OH! banana OH! banana OH!...

wednesday
school, blah blah blah, yeah yeah yeah RIGHT THEN! afterschool! we're hanging around, waiting for barney's driver to pick us up, we're laughing at naser as he tried to pummel an 11 year old with a lecross stick. is that how you spell it? doesn't matter, right, so saleem is there he takes barney n i STRAIGHT to the messilah beach hotel. YES! BEACH! FINALLY! barney takes a walk into the beach, i tan and read king lear for about the fifth or sixth time, and blag calls, he's here. the guy at the gate gives us a hard time, "guests aren't allowed to bring guests" i turn on the charm and viola! he is in! we spent a good hour or two (didn't keep track of the time) just on the beach, talking, laughing, tanning and smoking. barney regulated our intake, not letting us have more than two at a time. that and we made fun, blag couldn't light with matches, and when a friendly gentlemen near buy chucked him a lighter, he threw it back "like a little girl". *sigh* what you gonna do. so we went to the pool, they swam, we joked about my white europenis, then sat at the caf�. barney had a tuna salad. i had a large pepsi and two more fags. at around this time, of all people, two showed up at messilah, both of which i managed to successfully avoid. (coughZACHcough, asswipe). we went down to the sauna for a while (barney i'm so sorry!) and spent the rest of the day on the beach. the beach is deserted except for us, but then these two guys kep walking by, and finally, they sit, side by side, and watch. it was the most unusual occurence i've seen in a while. they just say there, staring at us. we made jokes, laughed about it, gave them something to watch, it was hilarious. i had my back turned to them but at one point barney goes "they're holding one another!" at a little past 8, saleem came to pick us up, and we wnet to barney's house. hung out with nada, had dinner, and went home. it was one hell of a good day. i'm really really glad i went to messilah. maybe i'll get to go again sometime soon.

1 shot darling | bang bang

:: 2004 16 May :: 9.55 am
:: Music: beethoven - moonlight sonata

a memory
i just got a memory of something that happened a long time ago. i was a kid, my parents hadn't gotten divorced yet, but they were in separate bedrooms. i don't know how old i was, but i remember my mother rolled over to look at me, (i was sleeping in her room, on her bed) and said "do you know what your father told me to say to you?" only for some reason i shut my eyes real tight and pretended to be asleep. and i never found out what my father wanted my mother to tell me.

bang bang

:: 2004 14 May :: 3.18 pm

ARABIC BEEBOL!
You are an Arab if...

1. You say "bolice" for "police" and.
2. You inherited or will inherit land in your home country.
3. You brag about your kids even if they are bad.
4. Your spouse is also your first cousin.
5. Your dad eats mensef with his hands and forces his son to "join the men."
6. You're fat and blame it on the kids, or you're bald and blame it on the
stress.
8. Your aunt asks you when she can dance at your wedding.
9. You smoke as if it were your last day on earth...and you only
smoke MARLBOROS.
10. You wear more cologne than deodorant.
11. You pronounce "comfortable" cun-fort-a-bull.
12. You say the letter "h" like "etch."
13. You put olive oil in and on everything and brag about how healthy it is.
14. You gossip about your own family...with members of your own family.
15. You have more then 4 kids.
16. You eat humus at least 4 times a week.
17. You cook a meal that lasts 3 days.
18. You talk crap about the abeed, but love them when they buy from you.
19. At parties, you think it's cool to dance and smoke at the same time.
20. You pity anyone who is not an Arab and think all other cultures are morally
corrupt.
21. You have fruit trees in your backyard and when they are in season you live
on them.
22. You don't use the word "tease" in English cause you feel weird.
23. You watch the hell out of the Arabic channel and talk crap about the rest.
24. Your father swears at you with words that effect himself.
25. You have 500,000,000 cousins.
26. At weddings it takes the bride and groom 4 hours to kiss all the guests.
27. You "get down" from the car instead of "getting out" of it.
28. You act like you want to pay, but in reality you hate to pay.
29. You have a gold necklace of your name written in Arabic.
30. You own and/or play a tubleh
31. Your middle name is your father's first name.
32. If you are male, you're named after your grandfather or great-grandfather.
33. You play cards till the break of dawn.
34. You never run out of bizzer.
35. You can't have a meal without bread.
36. You get offended when Americans call Arabic bread "Pita bread,"
37. If you are an Arab woman, you dye your hair an obviously fake shade of
blonde that is nonexistent in nature and swear that it's natural.
38. You feel proud when someone famous or a celebrity has any Arabic blood in
them.
39. You teach your American friends Arabic words (mostly bad ones) and get
Happy when they use them in normal conversations.
40. Your Mom has a creative nick name for you like Susu, Natoosheh, or
Tuntooneh."
41. You have a difficult Arabic name so you come up with an Americanized
version of it like "Sam" or "Mike."
42. You have someone tell you your fortune through your coffee cup.
43. You love Um Kalthoom and if you don't, your dad makes you listen to her and
tries to translate the words into English so you can appreciate her as much as
he does.
44. Three or more relatives live in your neighborhood.
45. If you're a single Arab guy, you tell women you're a "successful
businessman" or that you "own a successful business back home" even if you're
an unemployed goat herder.
46. Your favorite food is warag dawali, but you are embarrassed to tell your
friends that you eat leaves for dinner.
47. You get really happy and call the whole familyto the room when there is a
special or documentary on Arabs or anything Arab-related on CNN or PBS.
49. You have a uni-brow...and if you don't, you pluck it.
50. You bump Arabic music at all times!

8 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 12 May :: 12.31 pm
:: Mood: *cough*

right. so i went to the doctor's this morning, missed most of first period, drama. after that was over, i don't really remember much of the rest of the day. my motor skils waver and i tend to be more giggly than is appropriate. i managed to get through the day, though, with only faint memory of being unable to tie my shoe. by physics, last period, i had managed to calm myself and sober up. doppler effect can do that to you. i left physics, feeling a lot better, but still somewhat unbalanced. leahy gave me grief for inapropriate behavior *shakes head* and i've been hearing stories about lunch that i simply do not remember. after school was... interesting. all i wanted to do was lie down and weep. but i didn't picked myself up, plastering myself over everything that had ap enis, and some things that didn't *coughCATHYcough*. andy noticed, but blag got a kick out of repeating "you're high" at every chance he got. it bothered me, but he didnt stop no matter how many times i denied it. how i wanted to beat him, but something about my shoes and i can't remember how to tie them... so yeah... we went to the roof, we started kissing, then he stopped. he said it wasn't such a good idea. he said he didn't want me to do anything i'd regret. he said he didn't want to take advantage. i felt sick and started shivering when he told me all that stuff. how was i supposed to feel? irresponsible? high? weak? maybe i was supposed to feel grateful? so thankful for my noble boyfriend who wouldn't take advantage. i didn't really feel that way. i was just kind of angry at him. so i said "forget it," pickedu p and walked away. he followed, we sat, we watched the plays, we laughed. we flirted, tickled one another, but he knew i was hurt. he caught me staring at him once and when he turned to look at me i didn't look away. he tried to joke, said "you look freaky" but i didn't say anything. i jsut turned to face the stage and kept my mouth shut. i was silent the way i knew he expected me to be. if i was happy i was high, if i was sobered i was still high. so i kept my mouth shut. i regret that now. whatever though, too late. i jsut wish people could put some faith in my ability to decide. it's not like i'm insane. AC pissed me off too. she took me aside at lunch, telling me "what the fuck are you doing? you're acting fucking insane!" i wanted to beat the shit out of her. i remember that. so i avoided her for a while, but i had class with her next. it's jsut been a hard day. i had to keep yelling at people i wasn't high. they must have thought i was kidding. it doesn't matter anyway. so i got a little uninhibited, so i have some major memory gaps of the past few days, i don't care. i jsut wish people would stop acting like i'm incapable of doing anything for myself. i'm not on drugs, i don't need you to take away dangrous tools from around me. maybe i'll expose myself a bit, but i won't do anything i'd regret. it's hard to get people to see that sometimes.

2 shot darlings | bang bang

:: 2004 10 May :: 11.07 am
:: Mood: *deep breath*
:: Music: the strokes - someday

sometimes, sometimes...
life is good. the weather was shit today. is it weather or whether? i've NEVER been able to keep them straight. like is it camel or dromedary with two humps? whatever, i forget. the point is, life is good. and the climate sucks. i wanted to have a pool gathering this wednesday at my house, but now i have PMS and no motivation. so i'll go to barney's drama thing afterschool. i remember last year when i had to perform those horrible one act plays for drama/speech 1. i had the lead, opposite zeina. and cathy was co-lead (?) opposite noor. it was fun, a lot of fun. it was a shit play, but it was fun. hehe, right before the curtains came up, literally minutes before we got onstage, zeina's behind the curtains crying. she lost it, and i waned to beat the sense back into her. i didn't though. and we did relatively fine. people ket coming up to me for days afterwards going "good show", people i didn't even know. it wasn't anything, just a class grade. one act, one scene, ten minutes. just a skit really. nothing like steel magnolias. how did i go off into this subject? right barney's show... i discovered daniel's gonna play justin timberlake in their show. i find that hilarious. nasser was teasinghim, singing "cry me a but hole" all lunch. i ate crusts. they begged around for enough moeny to buy an entire pizza. they got a whoe KD off me, and i ate the crusts, because i don't eat cheese. they found it wierd. random. so, i think i'll go to barney's show after school today. no i'm already done with school, not today. wednesday. yeah. i think i will.

1 shot darling | bang bang

:: 2004 8 May :: 2.01 pm
:: Music: beegees - the joke was on me

ouiser
i am the comic relief of life. i was comic relief in every performance, i am the comic relief to most people that know me in real life. generally speaking, i am there to make people laugh, to let them relax a bit, loosen up, and laugh. that's all i'm good for. not really that great for advice, apparently i'm too blunt for consolation. but i will laugh with people, or give them something to laugh about. it's what i exist for. seriously, it's all i exist for. it's all i'm good for. it's kind of sad, but kind of funny. since i was the little kid in second grade, i've been the one cracking jokes, and when no one laughed at the jokes, i was the one jumping off desks to make the kids laugh. that's who i am. it's who i've always been. it's starting to look like it's who i'll always be, ever, for the rest of my life. i can make my peace with that. i've already made my peace with that. that's why i'm always in character. isn't that funny? screw you i find it funny.

i guess that's probably why i'm already so sick of people coming up to me going "you're ouiser!" it's not like they're complimenting me on a character i played well, it's like they're condemning me to be this woman. and what's funny is, we decided during our little character study, ouiser is really sad. like she's suffered and stuff. that all that exterior is just defensive. and you'd think after all that character study, they'd realize what they're condemning me to be when they tell me "you're ousier." guess not. who knows? maybe they do know what they're doing to me? i don't know. there seems to be a lot i don't know lately. it's sad. it's funny. isn't it funny?

it's close.

i'm almost out of things to say. i pride myself in being able to say anything and everything; just like ouiser in a sense. not afraid to speak my mind. but i always end up being the joke, the punchline. it's funny. it makes others laugh. sometimes, it makes me laugh, too. sometimes it makes me want to scream. but i don't scream. i just laugh. it's what i do. it's become who i am. that's funny.

i started a joke which got the whole world crying. only i couldn't see that the joke was on me.

i look at the sky running my hand over my eyes and i fell out of bed hurting my head on things that she said.

i started to cry, which got the whole world laughing. only i couldn't see that the joke was on me.

it's a sad song, but it's kind of funny. i find a lot of things funny. i got put back on a small amount of pills again, those little harmless painkillers. just for a little while, and then i won't have to take them ever again. but i think i took too much, because i hurt, and now i'm fine. it's kind of funny. isn't it funny? i think it's funny.

1 shot darling | bang bang

:: 2004 7 May :: 2.30 pm
:: Mood: craving
:: Music: weezer - hashpipe

my kingdom for a fag
yes i am craving (again). *sniff* *spit* and then...

ok, so after my father's hosue today i've decided. i hate going to his side of the family. they're tight asses, capitalist consumers, insane islamic fanatics. it makes me sick. if they could go out and martyr themselves for the sake of free market, they would. i need to gag.

3 shot darlings | bang bang