ooooooovercome by you...
hoooooliest of altars.. and THEN i LOVE this song. it's so absolutely sexual... i love it i love it i love it. i wanna change my name to magdalena when i'm a profesisonal actress. so i've been sick lately and that's why i didn't update in so freaking long! *tear* i missed you all too!

i can't stop thinking about naruto. i fuckin love that cartoon like hell. it's so THERE and so I WANNA BE THEM and uchiha sasuke-kun is my man, the THE hottest cartoon character ever drawn. his only rival is Garaa of the Desert. *sigh* i need to get out more.

now that that's out of my system, i just spent a good fifteen minutes elaboraitng to AC why i wanan be an actress. it got me thinking. i mean, why am i only ME when i'm playing the role of someone else? that makes no logical sense? i've always been a sucker for the irrational. ah well. and THEN

i feel like my life's turned into something boring. i need some life in my life. i need to make something. a drawing or a story or something. i just need a bolt of inspiration. maybe i should do that now...

bittersweet symphony
there's no elevation high enough
if i stand on my tiptoes at the top of everest
it's not high enough to match case
of how important this is
i can make this difference, given a chance
if not given i'll take it
bite my past
it makes all the difference in the world
who i was yesterday and who i was the day before
it's ok, because even when i'm new
the person i am depended on her
and it's something biter to mourn and grief
the loss of who i once was years and only days ago
but it's so sweet that i am someone new and powerful
that which doesn't kill you makes you want to die
but it's ok, because this symphony is just getting started
this bittersweet symphony is just getting started
so, high on my mountain top
with the world's eyes on me
it's not just a matter of being heard; it's so much more
so would you let them know?
i'm that one girl who's going to change the world

cinquo ci cinquo ca
i had so much fun today! it started out whatever. i showered in the morning, then ym brother called n told me to get ready, we were going to my dad's house to say bye to him before he left for 7ajj. so we went there n left at 2 or therabouts when they left. i got home, changed AGAIN, made myself a quickie lunch, and waited for fara7 to pick me up. finally, she gets here (i'm kidding kookee! i lerve you!) and we head for fanar. just the feeling of riding in the car with her, talking to her the way we always used to, brought back the best fuckin memories in the world.. she was wearing a red turtleneck, and i was wearing the che guevara shirt she made me for my birthday, and we were all communism at it's greatest hehehe. so we get to fanar, and we walk into the store MAC for makeup, where we instantly notice, the guy working there is gay (he had the world's cutest ass). it's all good n well, until he decides he wants to put on fara7's mascara, and he STABS HER IN THE EYE WITH IT! i thought it was funny as hell, altho i did offer my sympathies to my girl. so we pimp ourselves out with THEIR makeup, using testers entirely mind you, and leave for TOPSHOP where we decide it would be a good idea to call zach. naturally, we pick up a few thongs, try on a few miniskirts, the usual. so zach calls me a couple minutes later n goes "where are you?" and i'm all "topshop," so he goes "meet me outside" because he's "too man" to go inside topshop :P we laughed our asses off tho, cuz there was this one shirt in the guy's section that had a hand pointing downwards and it said "it's gonna be huge". then the otehr one said "sexual intellectual". funny as hell... we're outside, we wait, he shows up. hello, kiss kiss, meet my cousin, oh you don't look anything alike, yea he's not half-american or hot as i am hahaha don't toot your own horn. all this with a big ass smile on his face BY the by. we decide to move our little party to starbucks. i got myself a tall american black, purrrfection. zach didn't drink coffee cuz he's gay like that. his cousin left, we went upstairs, and then, fara7 and zach's battle of wits begins. i find this all amusing, until two of his frineds run into him there, and decide to have a seat. the guy in the red shirt was hot, which we told him, and joked about it too. he likes it too much and hits on fara7 BIG TIME. hahaha. then ja3far comes by, we see him, hello, later. and THEN, zach leaves, we kiss kiss, later, we go to bustan to shop for shawls. at around this time we had decided we were gonna walk to marina later and check out the rock concert at virgin. but as we leave bustan (which had nothing worth buying) my mother calls and pitches a fit. stay put in fanar. and so we did. we spent some time in claires where i bought a thumb ring and some small hoops for blag. it was funny cuz i found the perfect sized hoops in a set of 9, and i didn't wanna buy the whole fuckin set, so i switched the earrings with a pair of SMALLER hoops that were sold separately. yay i got what i wanted. i also bought myself TWO, not one but TWO sterling silver toe rings and a new wallet. yay! what else? we left claire's, decided fanar was boring, and went to river island while we waited for m7amad to pick us up n take us back to my place. at river island, we tried on a funky dolka pot skirt and a way too cute for words dolka pot dress! we didn't buy anything, but that was fun! (rules of shopping: try on what you'll never buy, buy what you'll never wear). we reach my house and naturally, we decide to watch HONEY! TWICE! first while i had dinner, then while kookee cornrowed mah hurrrrr. "i don't currr, i just want someone to braid mah hurrrrrr!" we laugehd at things i can't remember. talked about our dreams and hopes and fantasies. discussed various topics including andrew, faisal and blag. we bought pom poms! oh i forgot! when we got to my place, isntead of going straight upstairs we went to 101 dalmations, the toystore downstairs, to find some pom poms for fara7! so we shop and there's this freaky assed balck baby doll, only it wasn't like human black, it was literally BLACK. i found some resident evil aciton figures i decided to buy for my cousin for his birthday. yay! and we got some red pom poms for kookee. it was a great day. i didn't realize how much i missed just hanging out with fara7 until today when i realized just how much fun we used to have. it was great. i lerve you girl! we have GOT to do this more often! and then!

i LOVE this song!
ok, so i'm in computer class and THEN! i'm still so pissed at sheriban. shyt, i mean i worked my ass off at this she acts like i didn't do jack. i mean wtf? i spent thursday in school. i was there at 8. and i waited for them to get their asses there so we could work, they get there at 10:45! then they have basketball practice so they leave like 12, and i stayed til 2. as if htat's not enough, we've been staying after school everyday all week until 4, and i missed y appointment to stay afterschool and finish the shyt. and because don't have the BEGINNING MIDDLE END crap WHICH SHE SAID SHE'D MAKE she told the teacher i didn't do anything? wtf?!?! i asked her if she got it and she said " it's ok, don't worry about it, i got it i got it." so why was she expecting me to ahve it this morning?! i'll show her, so IN YOUR FACE if she tells the teacher. i'll tell the teacher i did the synopsis, the product description, and the storyboards not to mention the title on the first poster. we'll see who wins this war, because it IS war, and i don't lose.

so i punched the bathroom door a couple times to make myself feel better which ended up fucking up my fist. i feel better though. but all in all, i think this is a good day. i mean i got an 89 on the english presentation, and i told my mom about my 3.3 GPA and to quote, she sent the following msg: " Very good sweet" i think that's so fuckin cute! sweet! i don't wanna go home, i wanna go home with barney isntead. we see.

i've been listening to this song on repeat all class! ahhhh i feel so good! it's such a feel good song. i love that." i wanna kiss you every hour every minute every dayyyyy!" beautiful! i miss blag :( seriously yesterday all i could think about was how much i missed those soft lips, long fingers, perfect abs. i miss the way he always pushes the perfect spot on my lower back. ugh i miss him! i wonder when they get back...

ok i better start working now. I BELIEVE IN A HTING CALLED LOOOOOOOOVE!

THE TRUTH ABOUT BLAG
you wanted to hear it well here it is. barney may have soem better clue about what i'm talking about because this was her idea to begin with. well this is it:blag is the reminder of everything good that's ever happened to me. he's the best of zach, rakan, faisal, and scottie rolled into one. he treats me like everyday is our anniversary, he makes me like the way i look, i've put on three kilos since we started this little tryst and i haven't dieted yet. that's improvement. he says little things that mean the world to me, things like "comfortable silence". he's a gentlemen at heart, merged beautifully with a true metalhead. it's like a cross between zach and damien. it's nice. there is something very sincere about the way he smiles which lets me think he has the capability to be truly happy. i enjoy spending time around happy people, it makes me, in turn, happy. and you know something else? when we're together, it's serious. i know that at that time, during those moments, if i asked him to marry me, he would. and you know what else? if he asked me to marry him, i would. we're good together. it's like conway was talking about in class: the perfect combination is finding someone who's so perfectly fantastical to talk to and who you have chemistry with on a phsical level. well this is it, and you know what makes it even more perfect? this isn't a relationship, and there are no obligations, no commitments, and no feelings of "must" or "should". this is a matter of pure, rich, luxurious CHOICE. and i intend to keep it that way.

fredubine, barney, this may come as a shock to you, but i don't feel for him, and i don't WANT to feel for him. the beauty of our relationship is the lack therof. i will not ruin that. the decision is this: i'll talk to him when he gets back about loosening up, acting more like buddies and less like a couple, and things will remain the same. i'm happy this way, and it's good for me, emotionally AND physically. mentally i might be a wreck, but you know what, who cares? i've always been two screws loose. so that's that. end of story. if you're disappointed i'm sorry, if you're pleased then yay. but the least you can do now is leave me in that set of mind. don't bug me about it anymore, because it's that very bugging (BARNEY!) that got me into this mess to begin with! so if you have any questions post them, i hope i've covered everything, all i wanna say is ENOUGH.

the TRUTH ABOUT BLAG has been brought to you by, the various identities of ToTo/fajeh/concubine/jo/kewkie.

drown drown drown myself
i just wrote an entire journal that got deleted. that's just gay. i'm gonna try to recreate it.

i got home from the hospital a couple minutes ago, tired as all hell. good news, i get my braces on by april. bad news my right kidney died. moment of silence.... and then! they've been putting me on this drip thing twice a week for the past month or so, which made me moody and irritable and tired. it was supposed to strengthen my kidney, but since it finally died they're not gonna make me do it anymore! yay! and then, i don't have a lot of homework because i did most of it last night when i figured out i would be going to the hospital this morning. that's a good thing. i memorized my ED lines! yay! and i memorized my KING lines! again yay! i feel so on task. oh! and i finally but not leastly promised a post on *drumroll* THE TRUTH ABOUT BLAG! i know you want it...

and then
ok so here's the deal. in a nutshell, fredubine wants me to get out of the courtship i'm in with balg before one or both of us falls for the other and it gets serious. i wanna stick around cuz i'm having fun but i'm worried it's already gotten too serious. and then, andy came up with this stroke of genius, that if we just agreed it would be ok to see other people (since my "suggestion" that he stop seeing kat was such a big part of this, bigger than andy's and fredubine's) all would be well! SO i'm thinking of the best way to say that to him so that i don't feel like i'm cheating and he can go screw around with kat again. i spent the past three hours or so telling myself that he likes me better than kat, that tho she may be pretty and have bigger boobs i am better than her, and that even though she gives head and lets him go as far as he wants with her he likes me best, and that altho she may be better for a loose physical relationship, he chose me not her. i still don't believe it and i'm not half convinced it's enough because i'm so fuckin posessive and if another girl violates my territory (him) i'll still want to claw her eyes out. but it's for the best like this. so i'll talk to him when he gets back. and then, onto happier subjects. i'm ED in the emac kindergarten cinderella thing! yay! i seriously can't wiat. and i'm beginning to believe i'd make a kick ass shelby! my GPA was a 3.31 so that's decent yea? better than i expected, i still ahve a fuckin D+ in physics i hate that class so bad. but i got my phone back! i got back Lou-Jane! isn't that the most beautiful name in the world BY the by? it's kuwaiti, it means "liquid gold". i love it! i wanna name my kid that! and i FINALLY get my braces fitted tomorrow, which kicks ass. it's about damn time, i've been on the list since july 5th 2000 (they told us) and it's good to finally get a move on things. i hope it doens't take long. inshalla i'll ahve em on by summer tho. i'd hate to go to school with them. but i could so use the braces, i hate my teeth i consider them my downfall. braces now, nosejob when i'm 18, i'm that much closer the perfcection *toots own horn* yay! and then...

anniversary of an uninteresting event
i woke up this morning and all i could think abomut was "six monthssss ago today, i died." it's funny, i never used to talk about scottie, not since the fight with boozie. i was so angry she couldn't remember him, so angry she couldn't remember anything about the most perfect guy she ever met, that was what got me so much. and i couldn't let myself talk about it anymore. i never even told fara7 about him, at all, and that's why i couldn't bring myself to be as close to her as i used to be. i had a secret frm her that she would have never kept from me. guilt, grief, lack of trust, whatever, we just lost what used to make us sisters when i broke the code and fell in love and never even told her.

just cuz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there...
that's radiohead's best line without a doubt. and then, i got the gay assed TB shots today, which sucked because the woman was so freakin rude, she literally, LITERALLY stabbed me with the needle, and when she pulled it out i started bleeding all over and the medicine or whatever that was in the shot started leaking out. so she grabs a wad of tissues, and proceeds to sqeeze them over the wound as they are. hahaha BITCH. and then, i'm back in computer class, NOT doibng my physics homework and NOT doing the computer project. i'm so inefficient... ah well. i have history after this which i'm so not in the mood for (big balls lang) i swear his balls are fucking GIGANTUOUS! no really! it's not even like you have to notice these things, they're just THERE and impossible to miss! even the guys noticed! it's impossible to concentrate in class, i'm always wondering "are they watching me? are they recording my every move?" it's horrid... my familia threw me a party yesterday! yay! my father got me a cake and they all sang for me n my uncle (we have the exact same birthday!) and they got me presents (necklace and a picture frame for my puzzle). it was real cool. i think i'm staying after school today for the talent show rehearsal. don't know. oh! blag's birthday tomorrow,, can't forget. and then...