Stroken's Pad yo

6 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 10 August :: 7.40am

She threw a fucking rock at us....

:: 2006 4 August :: 8.57am

I'm home from camping. It was full of experiences, some of which I had never partaken in before.

It was extremely hot. I went swimming. I slept. I ate. I made friends. I fried criss cross potatoes in a wok.

milk....milk was a bad idea.

michelle

:: 2006 31 July :: 7.17pm

Camping with matt and rueben and katie and joe tomorrow.

ah the bliss.

eating mother's stir fry. tastes odd. first home cooked meal in days.

callouses forming on my finger tips. beautiful music to my ears.

Plan B may be available without a prescription.

michelle

:: 2006 28 July :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: depressed

I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my life.
I'm wasting my talent.
I'm wasting.

I'm wasted.

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 26 July :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: worried

I had a picnic with Kae and Aaron today.

Lovely rain.

I would be a toaster, so I could take two slices at once.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
Of the world which I see,
A beautiful scene, magical,
You could never know what I mean.

"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again..."

I listened to Transatlanticism for the first time today. It was beautiful.

4 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 22 July :: 6.46am
:: Mood: listless

I haven't slept in 28 hours, and if I go to bed soon I'm looking at about four hours of sleep before the park picnic and then work until 10 tonight.

I had my CMU orientation yesterday morning. Very informative. I got some of the classes I wanted, the others I dropped and added the correct ones. Twelve credit hours, not bad.

BIO 101 (and lab)
CSP 10something (computers and society, i know...but i had to fill a gen ed requirement)
ENG 235 American Literature
COM10something, intro to speech and communications.

All fun things. No ensembles, no music classes right now. Because I had to change schools so quickly, I can't be in their music program until next year. However, I may still pick up my entry level music classes and an ensemble next semester, until then, studying by myself is the only option I have.

We went to IHOP and played mau. I drank real coffee for the first time in my life, with a lot of cream and sugar mind you. The waiter made us triple strength coffee (three bags of coffee grounds in the pot). That shit really gets you. I believe that is the reason why I am not tired at this time.

Driving home from IHOP I witness the most beautiful sunrise, so, I took out my writing journal and compiled a few thoughts I will share with you here.

July 22 2006 6:30a

The dew soaks thorugh my clothing as I sit here, witness to this event. So few times have I been so aware of this constant change of my home. Something so beautiful would be more cherished if it were rare. We prize the true diamond because it is rare, but would we not just as easily be careless with it if it were common to us? Would we not use it as an adornment fabricated to eventually break to keep the economy going. The slogan would not be "Diamonds are Forever," rather they would be quite common place and often disposed of, losing all significance of importance. Beauty is only acclaimed in the rarest of forms. A perfect sunflower is often only left for the birds to admire.

This magnificent event before me may be prized by another people, another culture, because of its rarity, such as in the north. The sun sets for half the year, and is risen for half the year. Do you think they are not joyous after six months of darkness when the sun rises, illuminating their world? It seems beauty and admiration are only warrented for the rare, but never the equally admirable but common.

-michelle

:: 2006 18 July :: 10.27pm

why do i keep on missing everything?

why do i ruin everything?

why?

:: 2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.

My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.

I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.

To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.

I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.

:: 2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake

I dream of...

glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars

melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies

total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight

sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands

moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight

beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings

Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most

michelle

5 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 26 June :: 7.43pm

I've missed so many things already.

I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.

There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?

:: 2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative

Going camping the best break from here I could have had.

It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.

I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.

I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.

"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."

lushness?

michelle

:: 2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed

It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.

Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.

There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.

What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.

But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.

michelle

2 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 16 June :: 7.52am

Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.

I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.

michelle

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed

The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.

It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.

The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.

Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.

I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.

I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.

I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.

I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).

Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.

Or I could go to school.

Choices, Choices...

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore

-michelle

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.45am

So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused

So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.

I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.

I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.

I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.

I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.

I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.

:: 2006 2 June :: 9.29pm

"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"

It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.

It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.

Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.

A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.49pm

You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.

Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.

It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.

I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.

:: 2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic

School is done.

Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.

It was fun while it lasted, i guess.

Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.

Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.

i miss band.

:: 2006 9 May :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: sad

I miss you. I wish you were here. But you aren't.

whatever.

Band awards dessert tonight. I'm receiving my department award on May 30 at honors convocation.

I got my honors band CD today. It is quite lovely. I like listening to people who can actually play.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

michelle

:: 2006 8 May :: 8.34pm

I'm printing off the pictures for the mr. robuck and mr. green present thing for tomorrow. I'm not sure if i have enough photo paper. oh well.

I didn't do my rough draft for english. I turned my test in late. I bullshitted my way through my presentation. I don't know how I got through the past four years.

Jessie, Josh, and I are going to the mall on wednesday! I'm really excited. I love josh, he's my favorite oboe player ever.

Graduation party is June 3. Everyone is invited. Ask for directions if you need to. We'll have good food and a classic rock band (my dad's band).

mmhmmm.

I got a flower for my flute choir concert because I was a senior. I was extremely excited. You have no idea. My solo went well, the piccolo song, not too much. Oh well, it wasn't my fault he was so sharp.

Band concert went well. Last band concert. I cried on the way home. I know, i'm a band geek. It happens.

Pictures are almost complete. I'm getting very excited.

Good night.

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 2 May :: 4.29pm

I took the ap statistics test today. Three hours of exciting fun with my space shuttle. Woot.

It was absolutely horrific.

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I feel the need to hide under the covers and eat chicken noodle soup. Interesting.

michelle

:: 2006 30 April :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: enraged

I think i lost my fucking bioethics test that I didn't remember I had due tomorrow. Fuck.

I had the bitchiest lady at work today. She actually made me cry. I had to go to the manager's office and sit down for a few minutes because she verbally attacked me. I don't normally get that upset, sure I have people who I want to strangle, but for some reason this lady just made it so fucking personal. I was trying to tell her that she was wrong in the nicest way possible and she was like "don't you shake your head at me like that" and "You people owe me for my time fixing your mistakes" and "don't tell me that I'm wrong, you're wrong, I'm not wrong, I deserve a twenty five dollar gift card, and that's what you need to give to me to make me happy".

And of course my manager gave it to her. It was all because she was "overcharged" on a twenty four pack of water. Well, the upc on her water and the upc on the receipt didn't match, meaning there was no fucking way it was the same product. NO WAY IN HELL can that happen. Well she wanted not only the price that it was marked, but the "sale" price from last week. Okay, I can live with that, it's like fucking five dollars, and she wanted a gift card, okay, a little much, but whatever, and then when I wouldn't give her the michigan scanning award (if a product is marked lower than what it rings up at the register you get the difference back plus ten times the amount UP TO FIVE DOLLARS) because the fucking upc didn't match the upc on the receipt, which it has to to give the award, she wanted to be upgraded from a ten dollar gift card to a fucking twenty five dollar gift card. Which, my manager did of course. There wasn't even a "thank you for your fucking help". Nope. Not at all.

I haven't cried because of a customer since the first day I worked at the service desk.

Whatever.

Fucking bitch, and she wasn't even fucking right.

:: 2006 30 April :: 12.15am
:: Mood: annoyed

Last night was nothing that I expected it to be. Prom was fairly lame, I had a much better time getting ready than at the dance itself. I love Josh so much, he's so much fun. I think he's the male version of Jessie; scary, I know.

So this time it wasn't just about it, it was about being together.

If I could only mix the cola and the grenadine together, I'd have the perfect cherry coke, but no one makes them the way I like them anymore. They use to when I was little. It's just not as good as it use to be, I guess.

I loved my hair last night. I even slept with it in and it stayed, but I took it out in the morning before I went to pick up summer. I had a shit load of bobby pins in my hair. Went to flute choir this morning on four hours of sleep. Took a nap this afternoon, and now I can't go to sleep. I feel like a restless zombie, my whole body is on a fucked up schedule. I have to work tomorrow, and I have a ton of homework just waiting for me to start on it. I don't want to start on it.

I've put in four good years. Time for a break.

:: 2006 18 April :: 8.08pm

It occured to me yesterday that everyone I know is painfully normal. There is nothing special about any of us. There are one hundred other people out there with the exact same talents and skills as any one of us. What makes us think we are anything to be proud of? The only thing that sets us apart are our experiences, but hell, who cares about experiences if you can't fit them into a concise paragraph along with your hopes and dreams and plan of the future?

I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted into the Grand Valley State University School of Music to study for a degree in Music (performance) or Music Education.

It appears I have everything figured out. It would be wonderful if I really did.

Today was a horrible day. I don't know exactly why. It was just the feeling I had about it. Everything seemed so real, so acute, so harsh. It's hard to explain. It seems like the good days float by with a cloud of superficiality, nothing really grabs hold so much as just grazes by. It's like a bullet being shot that whizzes about your head. You realized it would hurt if you were struck, it might even be fatal, but because it didn't strike, it's almost not real. You are left with no physical reminder of it's presence. It can be soon forgotten, there was no true impact on your life.

Being struck with that bullet is a different story. You must live with the pain and reminder of it every day. It digs into your body, as much as into your soul. It's there, it's real.

That's what today seemed like. Real.

:: 2006 26 March :: 6.26pm

get off of it bitch.
you need to stop going after what will never be yours.

:: 2006 26 March :: 6.22pm

i feel like i need to escape, or i need an escape.

whatever.
so much bullshit. of course my happy little world will come crashing down, what more could be expected?

i'm going to prom with josh.

:: 2006 23 March :: 6.51pm

Saturday is state, i'm pretty nervous. I have my GVSU music auditions next saturday, so I'll get everything out of the way so I can enjoy my spring break. At this point I don't really care how I do at state, just so I can get it over with.

During the meaps today my english class was combined with a modern lit class. There was this kid who was bugging the shit out of me because he was suppose to be writing a paper, but didn't know how to do it. So I turned around (because of course I wasn't going to do any of the work I was suppose to be doing) and I helped him write his paper. The kid was a junior and didn't even know you could incorporate a quotation from a book into your own sentence. So, I helped him write a couple of paragraphs. He just didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. I bet when he gets his paper back it's better than a C he'll be surprised. It made me wonder just how some people can get so far in our education system and fail so badly. I really did like working with him, however, and it kept me busy for an hour.

Syrinx is going good, and I'm excited for the end of my senior year. The future is getting less scary the farther I travel. That's a good thing, a very good thing.

michelle

4 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2006 26 February :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Handel - Messiah

It's quite cold in my house right now. Maybe I'm just the one that's cold.
Finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a very interesting novel. It reminds me of a quote that I heard on a show a little while back that didn't even make it a full season:

"Men are romantics pretending to be realists and women are realists who pretend to be romantics."

I remember hearing that and it struck me. I'm not quite sure I know exactly HOW it struck me, it just did. I believe it's very true. Very realistic. It must have been thought of by a woman......

I'm very scared about the next few months. I'm so busy. But sometimes that really works out because I use that little time that i have a lot more wisely. I don't sit down and watch tv for a few hours, I get my homework done because I know that when I get that done it will be time to go to sleep, then time to wake up and go to school or work and do the same thing all over again. I like how it keeps me busy. I just get tired sometimes. I get scared that I won't be able to get what needs to be done done. I need to memorize my scales very badly. I have exactlly 29 days before S and E and limited time before my auditions for the school of music. I wish I had memorized them when I was in middle school, it's so hard now. I hate our education system. They keep the fine arts, but only enough to the point where students know where they need to get after all of it to make things happen, but they don't have the training they need to make it, and they know it. I know it. I met so many talented people at honors band. They knew so much. I felt like I was in sixth grade again. I think I was more naturally inclined than most, but they had training, and that's all that matters. They've had tons of music theory, expensive private lessons, and opportunities to perform and support from their school that I can't even imagine. I get told by people every day that I just need to settle for how horrible some people in our music program are, and I know how good people can be, how "good" i am, but compared to everyone else out there, how far behind I am and how much more ahead I could be if only I had those few opportunities, and now here I am, almost at the end of the line, getting ready to jump off the airplane and I don't even know how to work my parachute. It might as well be a suicide jump.
But I can't settle, because I know that when I get there it'll all be worthwhile, but can I get there? How? That's my question.