mudpiegrl
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2005 2 January :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: incubus
finally on!
woo. my computer downstairs isnt working and ive been wanting to write in here but too lazy to come upstairs.
so...finishing portfolio. tmro is loading day and then i leave yay!
new years sucked. just like xmas. neil was drinking....yea la de da cuz im not with him. but i have a feeling he was lying to me when he was at school.
so that sucked.
and i didnt do anything...that sucked too
oh well...
you know those time when you feel like you just need a week away from it all.
i actually get it this time.
yay.
okie...portfolio so i can get into college time.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 26 December :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: sad
we broke up.
4 Pirates |
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toki
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2004 25 December :: 4.43pm
I don't want to work right now.......:-(
I just want to be lazy.
I already worked a 13 hour day this weeeeek.
Why me?
Why christ-a-mas??
:-(
Sad.
I'll tell more about yesterday and today later. Despite impending doom of work, it's been a good two days. ;-)
-Patrice
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mudpiegrl
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2004 25 December :: 12.54pm
So this Christmas eve hasn’t been all that bad. It really was….not so much that I hate it. I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Had I not spent the day with jen, I would have liked to see neil more than I did, you know, as if he were my boyfriend rather than seeing him less than campy. Not that I don’t like campy, just…oh if you don’t get it now don’t worry about it.
I did a lot of thinking today. Im going to talk to neil and tell him how I feel….i hope the response is not “I hate when you get yourself so upset about this.” Or “don’t be mad at me.” I don’t think I could feel any sadder than I am in this situation, and so if the worst should happen in our relationship, then I don’t think I could feel much worse.
I think ill regret it no matter what I do though.
Oh well. Nothing good could be enjoyed if nothing bad was suffered.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 4.36pm
so merry christmas eve.
i hate christmas.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 12.52pm
yay for my dad!
he went theatre college searching and found this funniness.
if you are not involved in the techie half of theatre, i fear you will not understand...
The Tech's Files
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Mannheim Steamroller Christmas Extrodinare
christmas eve eve
i want to go back to writing. i miss it. and drawing.
i saw finding neverland tonight with the sandy kim and trixy. it was really good. i cried.
i love spending time with them. they made the day not crappy, which, had i gone to festivus, it would have been. but instead we went to stunkels and movie and made cookies and opened presents. it was a party! really, it was the bestest "festivus" minus wrestling and confessions ever!
everyone got me zim stuff! yay! i love this show.
two minutes before christmas eve.
and the incubus dvd "alive at red rocks".
apparently, im predictably obsessive.
im going to drop neils present off in his mail box.
then leave a message.
no need to see him apparently.
so much for ice skating.
he's upsetting. i hate how you can have the most wonderful days and then come home and all the bad stuff rushes back to your head as if tomorrow will never come with more time to think about it. you dont get the opportunity to bask in the goodness of one day.
i hate home.
i'm going to re-read this journal some time from now and realise how odd my life went. how much i changed and what went wrong in things.
ill remember what i never wrote because i didnt need to; still having photographic evidence in my brain.
yay for not caring to scrapbook. scrapbooking captures only good times. people always are smiling in the pictures. they make you miss people because you remmeber how funny they are/were. but a journal remembers your emotions toward that person at certain times, and correctly dates (sometimes) the events, therefore organizing them chronologically.
im going to go to bed. goodnight and sweet dreams of a person you know you cant have.
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toki
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2004 23 December :: 9.15am
:: Mood: awake
This break I've been kind of hidden from the world. It's not bad entirely. The only people I've seen are Ryan and Sandy. I was supposed to see Jorie and folk last night, but they asked me to stay until close. They promised me New Year's off if I did, so why not? I wantot have fun on New Years. Yeah. It was a 13 hour shift. ::dies:: But I had fun. We're having a white elephant gift exchange with the people working on Christmas. It's Ryan, Brian, Mark, and Roger. Who are closing I think. And Ken. Celia's leaving at 6. Poo on her. But yeah, Ryan and Brian...I'm excited about working with that. Fun times.
Originally they put me out in box last night (after I opened box), but then Ken moved me to concessions because Ryan was there alone. Mwahaha. Yeah, Ryan said that he understands why we aren't scheduled in the same place. And other then the talking while we were supposed to be cleaning, it wasn't bad. I don't know. We showed you, Barker. Ha. I accidently called Justin Ryan though. Because they were both standing there and I was thinking "ryan" and looking at ryan, but talking to Justin. Yeah, then Ryan and I went to Mcdonald's and sat in the parking lot until 2ish. Nothing bad happened. We just talked. We were in the middle of a parking lot with people, for christ sake. So yeah, I snuck in at 2:04am and went to sleep.
The rest of my break hasn't been bad, actually. The first couple days almost killed me. But yeah. I finally saw Finding Neverland!!! Oh man. Remind me never to see a sad movie with Sandy. It felt good though, to cry at a movie. I think it feels good. But that's just me. Then we went and got peppermint hot chocolate and a huge ass cookie and ate and talked. Your basic Sandy and Patrice date scenario.
Tuesday with Psuedo-Christmas with Ryan. That was fun. We just hung out. We were planning on eating somewhere niceish, but we went to Portillo's instead. It's funny, the past two days I've had a total of two meals. Both of which were cheeseburgers. Yeah, working 13 hours on an empty stomach, ow. But yeah. I got Ryan a ferrat calender and a farside book. He's a hard boy to shop for. But he was better. He got me a charm bracelet and a Koala bear from build-a-bear with a Kerasotes name tag and a bow tie. Gabbie calls him "Charlie the Kerasotes Koala". Good times.
This past weekend was alot of shit. Have you ever seen a guy cry? Yeah. It's scary. Yeah, I learned I can't trust everyone on everything they say. Things are still rather confusing, I don't know what to say or do. But yeah. Hopefully they'll work out?
Now it's time to go to Caribou. If Jill remembers. If not, then I don't know. No book for me? ::shrugs:: Ryan was talking about maybe getting some food before he works today, so I'll do that instead. Then maybe a movie with Sandy and lots of cookie making. Yes. Yum cookies.
Oh! My mom got that awesome Juice stuff. Yuuum. :-D Makes me happpy.
Christmas is soon. I'm actually getting excited. Which could be bad. Christmas usually disappoints in this house. Not in terms of gifts, but family stuff. You know? Oh well. We shall see. If all else fails, I have my work chicitos to hang out with. Even though they're all guys, I think I can stand a few hours of dirty jokes. Hm. Maybe. ::shrugs::
Call me if you get bored or need to talk or what not. I'm here. Really. Except when I'm working. But I still answer my phone. ^.~ (That's a wink.)
-Patrice
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mudpiegrl
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2004 22 December :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: who cares?
there are so many of those moods that i am. very indifferent to all the presents people are giving me. i love them but then the situation's still the same so its like a momentary high. im frustrated with my mum. i just want to be left alone because its not something anyone understands apparently. they tell me to talk to him but how am i supposed to talk to someone who tells me "dont be mad at me"? so im angry at that and sad cuz he's not being a boyfriend. ive seen him three of the six days he's been home, which hasnt been since thanksgiving. festivus is clearly more important than getting his gift. i promise i wont call him until after christmas, except to say merry christmas to him and his family.
my lips are dry and hurt. my body hurts and im exhausted. i just want to sleep, but the more i think about neil, the more prospective all the above (or below) listed guys sound. i want to persue jeramiah, even if only for a week in january (he lives in rockford). stunkel'd be fun too, but i wouldnt want to leave him at home. it's too tough of a situation. matt smith is by far the hardest to pass up.
today i went to his house and he's so comfortable and gentle, yet playful and not nervous. he leaned over me to look at the cd that i asked him a question about cuz it was on the table, and i just wanted to kiss him. im really having difficulty.
neil didnt even try to get me to the door to say goodbye. i dont think he cares that im being distant. either that or he hasnt noticed.
hm...where'd that come from? i think i drooled on my pants.
goodnight. im going to work tmro. i sort of like not having a life. relationships dont change in your head if you dont keep up with them.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 21 December :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: was Nightmare b4 xmas
im bored. shonsky's fixing the vcr-reciever-tv-cd connection. not for me to do. yay...cheerleaders...
its a video from two years ago. a senior video.
so last night i sort of flipped out and stunkel, mushroom, and campy were there. i feel bad but my mum was being super bitch again. she wouldnt believe that i was at the mall. she thought i meant that i had been there from ten in the morning until eleven at night. had she looked at the book that i gave her of all the things i have planned, she would have known that. also, had she just asked, she would have understood. i originally got mad cuz i have never done anything to give her a reason not to trust me. i dont drink, smoke or drugs, i dont steal, i havent gotten a speeding ticket, im doing better with my grades.
so now it's 1:26am on 22 december. im no longer at work. im even more exhasted now. i went to allstate, and then worked....and worked, oh and guess what? worked while other people were partying where i work. this is the second time im typing this cuz i hit something and it all went away.
i spent the day with stunkel on monday. he is so fun, he makes you feel good. he makes you laugh so much you forget everything else in your life. now that i think about it, thats why i want to go back to allstate. i am so busy, within three straight days, i thought about my family and shitiness for a whole ten minutes. thats 10/2160 minutes. matt smith makes me feel good about myself. he knows the right thing to say and he's not afraid to be close. jeremiah is at allstate. he's sooo cool. i almost wish i didnt have neil just so i could flirt and joke and not feel bad about it. i actually dont that much anymore. angela and laura killed the ultra flirtiness; now its just fun. all these guys are smart and can figure out that girls dont want to be ditched for certain stuff, other things of which they could be taken to and be included. or even be ignored.
btw, i think neils ignoring me. granted, he's sick. but when im sick, (and everyone i know), i want to be around someone special, just to be held. but he told me not to come. and he didnt come to my show. and he wont come to the other. he wont come to stunkels because he's going to festivas. so ive seen my boyfriend 2/5 of the days he's been home, when i havent seen him since thanksgiving.
jens sort of getting the point, but i know she still has more interesting things to think of. i should have been telling her all my frustrations last night, but shes never there for me anymore...not that she was ever easy to talk to.
my horoscope today said basically that because ive been "doggedly persueing my future", a get-together would "make [me] realise how much [i] really mean to people."
it makes sense. i still feel sad though. i dont want to be like YKW.
i want to go ice skating. i wanted to go with neil, but i dont know if that'll happen. i dont want to finish his xmas present because i got him and i matching rings. i want to get frames for our homecoming and prom pictures. maybe ill just get an xbox controller (used) and be done.
im exhausted. g'night. sweet dreams of "the one hiding under your stairs with fingers like snakes and spiders in [his] hair!"
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mudpiegrl
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2004 20 December :: 1.00am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: nightmare before xmas
allstate...again...
so today was not all that bad...a few things went wrong on the show but eh, what can you do? hopefully downstate, stage left will know whats going on...
People Who Were Supposed to Come:
Mum
Dad
Elaine
Steve
Dorthea
Bernard
Jen
Mushroom
Neil
Natalia
Campy
Who ACTUALLY Came
Jen
Mushroom
Mum
Dad
i was really upset
neil didnt come. jen didnt comment on much
neil most likely wont go to the performance in champaign
i figured jen'd forget, but im proud of her for not
but i have to say that im sad she didnt even critisize, almost as if she fell asleep.
it's something thats really important to me. like normal shows are important, but i would hope that my closest friends and neighbours and such would care enough to come. oh well though.
one good thing came out of it.
my dad said that we have to talk about this school thing next year. he said "you cant go to CLC and actually go somewhere. you arent going to be focused on theatre, you're going to be too involved in other things. you know how you are."
I'm sort of happy about that.
i dont know.
the ISU kids were sorta mean about my portfolio. i have to redo pretty much everything, and the things that took the most work and i was most proud of just went ::woosh:: while they fell off the page.
neils sick
elaines sick
dorthea threw out her back
dogs still in pain from her "removal"
and jeramiah is perfect; a secret obsession, i guess.
if you care to ask, ill let you know...
or if im in the mood, ill tell you anyway...
sleep now...work tmro.....and the next day.
this break sucks so far and we're three days in.
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toki
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2004 19 December :: 12.30pm
Patrice is feeling better today. A litte bit. Issues that have been driving her insane have now worked themselves out. She does not quite understand why she isn't more relieved, but it's ok. She can breath easier now. Which is always cool.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 17 December :: 8.38am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: ::type, type, type:: of patrices computer
Friday morning in the library
In a much better mood today. Patrice made me laugh. Shes good at that. The kid sitting in front of me has a duck on his shirt¡Kthat¡¦s weird for a boy. I suppose it depends what it says though. He¡¦s looking at cars online. And typing something. Then there¡¦s people who are writing papers and this is one of the few times I can stretch out and say ¡§ahh¡Kno papers to do.¡¨ It¡¦s freeing really. You should try it.
Today is the last school day for a while. I have to leave early for allstate. It scared me this morning when Christine came to my door and rung the doorbell.
I don¡¦t want to leave. Im going to miss frouny. And I kinda like school. ƒ¼
Oh well I guess. Preview of summer I suppose.
Neils coming tonight too. Which I should be excited about, but oddly enough, im not. In fact, im only scared and extremely nervous. Look my arms shaking¡Koh¡Knevermind¡Kthat would be the fact that it hurts from typing.
Patrice is typing in an orange box.
Last night I called neil, which I know I shouldn¡¦t do. I think ill take his name off my phonebook just so that I don¡¦t. I know it by heart though¡Kits okie I can second guess myself if I don¡¦t just press four.
I did my best not to complain. He told me I wont have a life if I work all the time but I told him its okie cuz id just be bored otherwise. I don¡¦t think he knows what its like to be idling in between friendships and stages of life. He¡¦s a boy who doesn¡¦t do too much paying attention. I feel like a car¡Kidling.
Yay¡Kone minute.
Happy holidays to the school¡K
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toki
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2004 17 December :: 8.25am
We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal.
-Tennessee Williams
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 December :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: the furnace
frustation
I'm in latin. i want to write this to jen, but i9 know it is something so futile to her that she won't care. She is enveloped in herself and mushroomness.
Today, at lunch, we had a "family meeting". We discussed my needing to clean, tyler's unspecified grocery list, mum's patience, and the family's drinking habits. We were pretty objective through the most of it; it was a meeting to tell mum we are worried about her drinking. I began by saing how i dilike drinking so much and how it's embarressing that even my friends dont respect her through all her drunkenness. She says shell cut down. Who believes her but herself? Tyler proposed extracting all alcohol from the house. Dad offered an appointement with this counsler with whom he had to sort out his D.U.I. She denied it all and said she'd figure it out on her own. She said she needs a month to sx weeks. By 16 Januar, we will be rid of alcohol, if all goes accordingly. It wont through. But i think im the only on who kmnows that.
Th other uncoverd issue of my pathetic exhistence is my fear of neil breaking up with me. i think he's sick of dealing with me...
then again, in the bathroom i was just thinking how jen had me to care for her and now that something new has come in, she forgot about what i might need in return from her. and then thinking neil doesnt want me.
its odd, because both my brother and my pasts were very independent, at least mine anyway. we dont know what its like to have soemone genuinely care about us and the things we do. So the slightest bit of not paying attention lands me in exactly the same spot i hate people when they're in.
i've been talking to patrice which is good...i dont have to depend on neil, the kid who would rather talk to his floormates and play video games, or hope to talk to jen in the next week. not that patrice is a last resort. i try to leave people alone as much as i can. patrice hates being left out too and so id rather hang out with her than someone who is included and doesnt care to talk about depressing subjects, or rather, listen to me at all.
i figure ill be in trouble for this one, too. but then i figure i'd rather than not say antyhign. i think ill just write in this from now on because its a hell of a lot easier than trying to incorporate emotion into a conversation.
jen is no fair and i dont l,ike it. some best friend i guess...
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