mudpiegrl
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2004 4 November :: 12.17pm
:: Mood: distracted
:: Music: dryer ::woosh,woosh, clank::
aw...i love the soothing sounds of the dryer...as sarcastic as that sounds, im being sincere. it used to annoy me and wake me up but now its calming.
i miss home sometimes.
the shows over now. its sad. i miss it, despite how incredibly hectic it was. yay set go up in a week....set come down in a day. i agree with patrice...this show was awesome especially backstage.
i hopped over the running crew, helped fill a rat with his intestines and other bloodiness, crushed on a guy for the first in a long time, havenized with costumes, took notes on the third day of the show, ate candy, ate blood, took in the show for one of my last at vhhs, enjoyed myself, super-stressed (which ultimately cleaned me) and over-all loved the show.
i should be writing my paper now but im really distracted. neil called and left a message with i miss you exactly a month ago (17 minutes since it became the fourth) and played "i miss you" on his guitar. i sent him a sweetest day card that said "if you ever forget that im stuck on you" on the outside and "then here's a reminder" with a magnet that says i love you on the inside. then he sent a card that arrived on our seventeenth month (1 nov) that said a bunch of stuff like "when i cant hug you, wehn i cant share with you, when i cant talk to you..." and beside every one he wrote "kiss you" and on the inside said simply "i miss you". the next day i got a potted miniture rose and they are so pretty and i can keep them alive. i sent him red cupcakes the same day in the shape of a heart with a letter. so right now neil and i are doing fine.
right now is fun because i sort of still have a tad of a crush on zak which is weird. it was more during the show when i saw him a lot because for some reason in the dark his long powerful cape and height and fangs and it was overwhelming. i liked it. i miss it too. (Note to self: add to list) neil needs fangs and a long black flowy cape but an attitude like i have soemthing to do im not trying to show off cuz he would try to show off instead of just be hot about it.
okie i should be done. i need to be cuz the more i think about it, the more i want the picture in my head.
i need to finish this paper.
g'night all
sweet dreams.
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Toki
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2004 3 November :: 10.04pm
Funny times
SneakySeaMonkey (8:25:05 PM): why are some guys so...urgh?
personofthasun00 (8:25:11 PM): well ya see
personofthasun00 (8:25:26 PM): it all started when we 'guys' decided to be complete jerks
personofthasun00 (8:25:31 PM): it was at this convention that we had
personofthasun00 (8:25:34 PM): in jersey
personofthasun00 (8:25:49 PM): and their were delagates from all over the world
SneakySeaMonkey (8:25:55 PM): were u there?
personofthasun00 (8:26:51 PM): and they decided from then on all guys would be ugh
SneakySeaMonkey (8:27:10 PM): well you should have another meeting
personofthasun00 (8:27:12 PM): no it was way before my time
SneakySeaMonkey (8:27:15 PM): tell them theyre wrong
SneakySeaMonkey (8:27:17 PM): oo ok
personofthasun00 (8:28:42 PM): its not up to me
SneakySeaMonkey (8:29:29 PM): :-P
____________
Haha. Thanks to Hul..the world makes sense
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2004 2 November :: 11.50pm
Holy shit...
My stomach is twisting in all sorts of knots.
::Bangs head on the desk::
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 1 November :: 4.59pm
Thanks goes out to Patrice... Missing Trig today was fun :)
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2004 31 October :: 11.19am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Superman(It's Not Easy)
Finding Neverland. November 12. Woo hoo!
That's my exciting news of the day.
This week has been insane, but yesterday was awesome. It was just a full day of theatre stuff with theatre people(most of which just rock my socks off) Very little drama from my side of the smoothie. It feels good. To be doing play stuff but not to have much stress because everything's done and you just do what you've done for three nights. You allow yourself to have fun. Which is a good thing.
I've found out...that alot of times you have to allow yourself to have fun. It's not too hard. Sometimes it can be, but there's always going to be something on your mind. You can't let it effect something that has a chance to be a good thing. I don't know, I don't care as much about the bad stuff as I did last year. I realize that I'm a senior. And that this year will be my last with many people and the last in many of these situations. Why make everything crappy because a few things are going on?
That whole speel will be misinterpretted and someone will be mad that I'm telling people to just forget about their problems. Which I'm not. I'm just saying don't let them decide your life. ::nods:: If that makes sense.
Strike is going to be interesting today. Most of the set has to stay together. And we're just sticking props in a box that says "Box O' Dracula". Haha. Woo slacking off. I can see us not makign it to theatre fest and having to clean it up again, but it'll be much later when I actually might have some motivation. Hm. Patrice with motivation? That is just insanity.
I'm glad the play is over. At the same time, I'm not. It was definitly a stressful show. Mucho stressful. At the same time, it was a blast. I'm going to miss it. This is maybe my second or third favorite show. After Les Mis and Joseph. In some kind of order. This show was just fun after all the stress. And there were actually nice actors too. Which is fun. The running crew was awesome. O man. If I get time, I'm writing backstage stories here. Just because I want to remember them. yeah. Just everyone backstage was awesome. Fun times. Let me tell you.
Yeah, the cast party was actually fun last night. Except when the speeches went on hour late and I was home uber uber late. But it doesn't matter that much. Didn't get in trouble.
Oh, and benny boy(if you read this), I meant to tell you... I made sure to kill mucho babies at the party. I think the count was at 17. Hm. Not bad if I say so myself.
I'm allowing my brain to turn to mush for another half hour. When I come back I have a whole outline to bullshit. Woo hoo. I'm hoping it'll take me an hour at the most. ::crosses fingers:: Maybe then I'll convince my sister to trick or treat with me for a little bit. That'd be fun. It'd be really sad if there wsa no way to celebrate halloween tonight. I would cry. I love halloween. It sucks having responsibility. Pooooooooo.
Ok peoples. Time to shower. I smell.
Je T'aime,
Patrice
(I love that. I wish I spoke french.)
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2004 21 October :: 5.40pm
I hate you.
Yeah thats right.
You...and you...with the funny face.
But esspecially you.
~*~
And we always say,
It would be good to go away, someday
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you
I’ll just hang
The same for you
I’ll always hang
Well I always say,
It would be good to go away
But if things don’t work out like we think
And there’s nothing there to ease this ache
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you, I’ll just hang
Hang- Matchbox20
~*~
Tuesday's horoscope
Jackie,
You may be feeling a bit too dry as you long for a deep emotional connection. The problem is that your nervous system has been on high frequency alert. It's like you've been taking an exam with only one question on it -- an unsolvable mathematical equation. Take the pressure off yourself and take an incomplete on the test. This is not a failure; you can come back to it later when you feel refreshed. This frees you up to attend to more important issues.
~*~
Yesterday
Jackie,
You have tools that allow you to go into deeper emotional realms than many of your friends. Now it is time to use whatever tricks you have in your bag as you dig further into the roots of your own needs to control emotions. As you discover the sources of your fears, you'll be able to better loosen up the blockages in your life.
~*~
Today
Jackie,
Tension arises from your own lack of clarity about your feelings. You are still feeling the intensity from yesterday's Venus-Pluto square, but now it's time to find your way back up to the surface. Even if your perspective is a bit clouded by your own fears, move past your uncertainty. Head directly into the mists of your own illusions, for it is there that you will find the blessing of self-forgiveness.
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2004 20 October :: 12.50am
Soooooooo I don't like this week. It started with tears and will most definitly end the same way, just for different reasons.
Tomorrow's going to be interesting.
I'm feeling a little more confident about the play now. It's a good thing. I hope.
I don't know what else.
Good night.
-Patrice
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2004 20 October :: 12.35am
List of things to give up this year for new years:
Quality conversations...the kind where you talk about stuff that is actually important and meaningful.
"Love" or the idea of it
Lonliness
Jealousy
Hate (or strongly disliking...)
Meat or possibly just cheeseburgers and fast food.
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2004 18 October :: 7.59am
The earthy Capricorn Moon helps you feel secure and you want to make the most of it by using the day to add stability into your life. You begin to think more about your long term goals, yet it can be difficult to separate them from your more immediate chores. Don't take on more than you can complete and you will make progress on both fronts.
Haha! I guess progress is dead. Man, am I screwed. :-)
-Patrice
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 October :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: the soothing sounds of the dryer
can i just give up?
Recently, everything's been frustrating to the point where i just want to give up. The easiest would be Chuck E. Cheese. It takes more time than i have and im not planning on going anywhere near food service when im older, hence the pointlessness.
I also want to submit to jen. i hate being swept around but she wont see my side (which is not to spend more time with me than mushroom) and i feel like ive lost her already, which, i guess is good. i t wont be as hard when she leaves for college and i get stuck at CLC.
Neil would be the hardest. It'd be easier to get over rather than a sort of withering away. It seems like hed rather just get on with his life there rather than worry about my critisisims and hesistations. he wouldnt have to hold himself back on anything for me. yet i love him so much. i actually feel like he cares for me as much as i do him, all the while feeling as if he cant wait to get rid of me. i suppose even a tree grows attached to moss that decays it.
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2004 16 October :: 12.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: volume one on the tv
oh, how horrible this hallmark holiday!
Today i took mushroom and campy to get sweetest day gifts for their girls. Not only are the two incredibly innovative, they are just plain cute. watching them ponder everything from the simple, generic yet romantic gifts to ironing the creases out of original ideas that would make any girl feel special and still make her laugh.
Hopefully ryan isnt an idiot and remembers the day. patrice deserves so much. Oh damn it! i have chocolate on my shirt...grr!
today really wasnt that great of a day. again, i dont feel that well, but i got through the day. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in the sims and the new downloads from yesterday...and campy and mushroom wanted to do stuff...cuz they were bored. We decided to eat but my gas light went on so i wnet home for the card. not there...i called my dad so that he could meet me at the gas station (halfway between our current locations). got gas; forgot gas cap. went to jewel. no details. jen might read. no present yet. the basic back and forth for money was frustrating. jealously...holy jealousy.
am lucky to get neil to stay on the phone with me for twenty minutes, never mind spend four hours on a project just to make me smile. come to think of it, ive only recieved cards on holidays nad birthdays....stuffed animal on christmas and birthday...poster and book...also holidays. oh and fucking flowers for dances, which after twice i told him to stop: they just die. Why cant anything be just because. im not asking for three hundred dollar stuff here.i dont know. the most creative thing hes done was just recently. he recorded "i miss you" on my voicemail played by his guitar.
odd that someone who misses me would take his video games and football games over his girlfriend on the other end of the phone or in the hotel down the street.
so theres this part of me that says, "break up. whats the point?"
Pro: sweet wehn i actually see him
Con:It's rare. two weeks turned into a month, which will soon be more.
Pro: someone ive built a relationship with who i feel actually cares for me in return.
Con:i wonder if he cares as much as i think...or am i trying to convince myself. what proof do i have?
Pro: there is none to this.
Con:video games, friends, football games more important.
Pro: says "i miss you" and "i love you"
Con:has also said "i cant miss you"
Pro: i wonder, is he also trying to convince himself that its not that bad, distracting himself?
Con:why cant he just show me he cares!?
Pro: cried before he left.
Con:for family, friends? most likely not jsut me.
to breaking up:
Pro: it'd be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. i'd get over him quicker. otherwise he's slowly ripped away...like a bandaid...less painful the faster.
Con:oh my god it makes me cry to think about it.
so my conclusion=none.
i dont know im lost and i wish someone would help me.
but then i just sound like im complaining. and who's going to listen? jen is having too many issues with mushroom to care. patrice is going to be too stressed with dracula by time i get to her and i dont even know hwo to explain it. sandy's good but i always feel bad cuz i get the answer "i wouldnt really know". Q just depresses me when i try to ask him a question like that. jill sort of forgets i asked a question and continues talking/thinking about whatever preceeded the question.
oh i love being lonely.
im just going to go play sims now
after i walk the dogs
they're the coolest people.
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2004 13 October :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: good
Today...was today. Pretty good. Wow did i say that? I used the word good to describe my day...whoa :-).
Lunch was cool...but strange because i had to spend it with people i dont usually talk to. I had to be there for NHS and yeah... the people are nice...but like i said i dont really talk to them...maybe i should start. This years the year to just be friends with like everyone.
I'm eating way too much fast food...i'm going to give it up this new year i think...and get soda back...maybe if i still like it.
Senior pictures are fun...but people can be jerks about them.
"You look really good! I'm impressed! Crap...didnt mean it that way. I'm bad with words..." (that was funny though) then i got this:
"Wow!!! You should look like that everyday!"
Ouch... I told my mom that and she goes:
"See! You really should try to look good each day and wear cute clothes instead of the crap you wear..."
thanks mom -.- damn it. Everyone else found that comment as mean as i did then my mom has to go and back that comment up. Arg. Am i really that ugly?
Man windows media player is playing crappy music right now...its picking all the wrong songs.
I have to babysit soon for a camper and her sister. Yeah money!
I woke up at 6 this morning....maybe thats the key to having a good day...waking up early and taking some time to get ready instead of doing it in 10 minutes...
A ton of people asked me if i got my hair cut...i just had it down because i had time to leave it down. That sounds weird...but i did... i had time to straighten it and crap.
In psychology today we were asked to say who we thought we were. Thats a hard question to answer...let me tell you.
If anyone cares to respond, tell me who you think you are. I want to read it!
I said "I am me. I like to think i think deeper than people think i do. I like being with people, not alone. And i hate being home because then i become lazy and I am on the internet for ever...worst form of communication...well other than text messaging i guess. I'm organized through disorganization. " After that i was kind of lost. Its really hard to figure out who you are. I constantly have moments where i ask myself "Who the hell am i?" Ever have that? Where you feel like you are just a complete stranger to yourself? Its really strange.
Well thats it. I have to get ready to go.
Bye!
Have a nice night.
~Jackie
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mudpiegrl
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2004 11 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: accomplished
i smell clean.
after a weekend of hell-like painting (or painting like hell),i can finally relax
oh and another good thing is that this is never read so i dont have to put it private.
and sweetest day is the sixteenth.
im gonna go buy neil a card.
i hope jen continued exercising while i was gone. i couldnt wake her up; i could hardly get up.
i miss neil...
good news: incubus is in november and i get to go down to see him!
bad news: that's over a month away. and he's not coming to see dracula. :(
my face itches...im gonna go find lotion and buy a card and hopefully get ahold of jen. i wrote her a letter and i want to know what she thinks. ill post it in here.
later
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2004 11 October :: 7.52pm
Kinda goes with the last entryish
"BACK 2 GOOD"
It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so
Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good
This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do
And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good
Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good
Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, guess it's over now
There's no getting back to good
~Matchbox20
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2004 11 October :: 5.41pm
Wow.....everyone in Curry's Class...read chapters 90 and 91....they are nuts... whoa.....
So i had really weird dreams last night... there was something about going to another planet and when we got out of our spaceship (patrice and i) we were greeted by giant bunnys and one of them saw the giant sword i had and freaked out and was like "Kill them they have weapons!" So i took the sword and hid it behind my back and was like "No we don't" And the bunny was like "Ok Nevermind" Thats all i remember from that part of the dream though...darn.
The other part, I was wearing a band sweatshirt and had a trumpet in my hand. Stunkel and i decided to try and sneak in to the game with the band because they had good seats. The football feild was being redone so it was in a giant hole and the bleachers were really high up and confusing. Well Sutnkel and i walked in with the band, Sundell was standing right next to Stunkel who was holding a trombone. Then he walked past Stunkel and he saw me so all i did was smile hoping he wouldnt kick me out...but he did. So i had to try and find a new seat. I wanted a front seat but the only way to get down there was if you had a wheel chair. It had a weird wheel chair lift and my grandma (Who died last year) went past me, waved, and went down it. So i headed back to the band room and decided to join best buddies with Corey. So i joined that and it was fun and i liked helping everyone. So then at the next game we walked over to the feild but the whole group got ahead of me. So when i got there, they were down at the front...and i couldnt figure out how to get down there...so i left. Yeah it was weird...and i wont say who was in best buddies cuz that was weird too...
Then i had a part where Patrice and i went and recreated memories i guess...the ones we werent at...like vermonster...so we recreated that and i took pictures of it all.
The night before that I had another memory dream only this time i was doing a commentary on my memories to someone else... Yeah and i just kept saying what i was thinking at each moment with that person but they never said anything back. That was odd.
The other night, at 1 in the morning, i took every single stuffed animal out of my room and threw it into the den. It was really strange and i wasnt in the best mood...definitely not. They are all on the floor next to me right now...
I still dont understand why i did it...and why it made me feel even worse. I mean i guess i understand why it made me feel worse...ive always had stuffed animals in my room...and to have all of them gone all of sudden...all of them mean something...all of them have been given to me by some one. And the ones i have on my bed...theres 5 of them, a duck that sits in the corner then 4 more, 2 on either side of me. Its just weird because stuffed animals are like a comfort thing...you have them there and you cry to them about anything-stupid guys or your stupid family or your stupid friends... they know about any event your life and they dont say a word...they are just there and they can actually make you feel better sometimes.
I told a total of 2 people what happened that night...i don't know why, i don't feel like i should have... it was a horrible night and ive never felt more alone i guess...so maybe i decided to make that worse and throw all of my stuffed animals out of the room? I dont know. I didnt have a phone either...it was taken away...but even if i did...who the hell would i call? I mean come on! I realized that too during that night though... so i felt even more alone. Blah.
I want to be little again.
I want to be in grade school making stupid little art projects. I
I want to play with beanie babies and pokemon cards lol
And obsess over Spice Girls and Hanson...(I dont obsess over Hanson anymore...shut up lol)
I hate college
I hate family problems
I hate failing friendships
I hate feeling alone...
I hate crying
Help.
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