*

:: 2004 11 August :: 2.41am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "In the Light" - DC Talk

Tonight
Well today was a pretty good day. Kim and I went to GVSU to buy books. I never saw a purpose in it, but since her mother was freakin' because they sent us a discount card, Kim went to get hers, so I figured I'd get some of mine. The three non-text book books for my Michigan History class pretty much tell what the class is about. First we go looking at Lake Superior Copper mines, then to Henry Ford and the second industrial revolution, then to the urban riots in Detroit and Flint in the 60's and 70's. To say, I am throughly disgusted that so many people love to ignore our side of the state. I'm not sure why, they just do. My Latin American Politics class will feature much of the same reading that she gave us for our politics in Developing Countries course. I will be very sick of Skidmore and Smith by the end of the semester. I got some Spanish books too. Not that I really understand what they say.

Then we went to work where Kim asked for her job back. I'm not quite sure how I fell about that. Then we went to lunch and back to my house. We spent a little tome wrasslin' around. Then she started laughing uncontrollably, and wanted to sleep. So we laid down on the floor and fell asleep together. It was so nice. It's so nice to know that someone you care about feels safe enough with you to sleep. While she was sleeping she started dreaming and she tends to have violent dreams, like she's running from something or fighting something. When I felt her heart rate go up I just told her the she was asafe and didn't have to worry and she immeadiately calmed down. It was nice. Then I had to wake her up.

That's where my night really went bad. She had to get up so she could go over to Jeanne's to go with her to Bible study. Well, Jeanne was suppossed to go to church with us Sunday, but she never showed up at work so I could take her. So Kim leaves and I've got like 1.5 hours before I have to be to work. I show up at work like ten minutes before my shift starts, right in the middle of when the Bible study is suppossed to be going on, and they are there. Kim and Jeanne and Matt. I was so mad. Jeanne said she didn't know where the pastor's house was, but she'd been there before. Plus she was in talking to Denise when I went back and she told Denise that she didn't feel like going to Bible study. I've just had enough. I understand there are cetain things that she can't control, but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I want to put her into a headlock and run her face first into a wall!!! And I'm not even a violent person. I've had it with her and the runors she spreads and the selfishness and what she has been doing to Kim lately. I gave up on her, but I can't get Kim to. So I think I'm going to go talk to her when she gets out of work tomorrow. I don't know how it's going to go, but I guarantee you that in two or three days, she will want me to be her friend again, or our enitre conversation will be whittled down to one little insignificant point about something stupid. hear we come brick wall.

Of course I was feeling all of theis during the first part of my shift. Robin did a lot to cheer me up. I stayed with her and helped her finish paperwork. So many new people at work. Now would be the perfect time to get a new job.

2 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 6 August :: 6.34pm

Another day, another dollar
Was today better than yesterday? Yes it was. Did today hurt more than yesterday? Yes it did (but only because I fell down and hit my knee and now I have a giant bruise).

So, I left home at 2:45pm and got home at 5:45 pm. A total of three hours just to spedn five to ten minutes with her. Was it worth it? Hell yeah.

The knock on me last time was that I wasn't romantic. Yes, I remember you saying that, and you know what, it's still a sore spot for me. I actually started thinking that yesterday. But that is what got me out of it. I realized that I hadn't done anything romantic in the entire two months we've been together. So it was time. Drive through rush hour traffic to suprise her with flowers on our two month anniversary during a week that we saw each other a sum total of 7 hours in 7 days. I was sitting there, waiting for her to come out of work and I came up with two options of how it was going to go over: 1. Either it was going to be very sweet, 2. Or very creepy. I guess it just depends on the people.

4 | *

JediBumblebee

:: 2004 6 August :: 6.11pm

I can't WAIT until I have the internet in my house again.

Upchuck

:: 2004 5 August :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: "Bad Company" Bad Company

Contentment; things get in the way when feelings that should be on the surface are not
I feel it again. That dissettling feeling (is that even a word?) that there is something we need to talk about. To be sure there are things that I want to say, but I won't say them. Mostly, not out of fear for losing her, but for fear of myself. The way I feel about those things leads me to be very passionate. I really cannot tell if I'm being paranoid or not. There are little, subtle signs that I'm not sure I'm reading correctly. Little signs, some of them I cannot even interpret correctly. One inparticular plays on an insecurity of mine that has me flying back to the days where I believe that I am not good enough for anyone. Besides, I cannot tell if this is intentional, if it's me being paranoid, or if it's just an unspoken problem that niether of us is willing, or able to talk about.

If I seem whiny, it's because I am. This schedule has taken a real toll on me. I'm going non-stop, practically for a week now. There is nothing that I would like right now than to just forget about the world, ofrget about everything. Screw it all. I can't wait to get back to school. Everything will be better then. I'll feel like I'm actually doing something with my life. I don't know if this is me losing control again. I don't know if this is me hitting my adult mood cycle. I really don't know about anything anymore. All i know is that she came over today, and it didn't cheer me up. It didn't even come close. Not that I want to be dependent on her for that, but I'm too tired, too emotional barren and distracted right now. Plus I have to go to work and start my 4-day 30 hour work experience.

1 | *

crazygirl

:: 2004 4 August :: 8.51pm

i should really start updating more often. everything just seems like such a blur. i feel like i update more than i actually do, does that make sense?

anyways, yes, we took jim to the lake. it was fun, we caught lots of fish, had a fish fry, and made fun of jim. jim's a british guy who has never been fishing, or boating, or on a seadoo, or made a smore, or roasted a marshmallow over an open fire. he was like our little love child the whole weekend. teaching him how to do stuff, and cooking for him and all that. we even lost him at the grocery store, and then dustin and i argued with each other about who was supposed to be watching him... yeah.

in other news, i'm still working a lot at my two jobs. i don't know what i'm going to do. still looking around, but the lack of printer at home has left me procrastinating on my resume. i'm so lazy when i'm not working my ass off.

american idol auditions are coming to my city this weekend. part of me wants to audition, but it doesn't seem worth it. they allow you to line up starting saturday at 6am and you have to be in line by sunday at 8am or you won't be auditioned, and even then you aren't guaranteed an audition. not to mention the show is so completely fixated on how they're going to get ratings that it isn't really even a talent competition. i don't have time and i don't think i'd get far anyways. especially not among the predicted 10,000 people in line.

so that's the news for today. i can't believe it's august already. what am i doing with my life?

JediBumblebee

:: 2004 2 August :: 9.51pm

So I have remotely dropped off the face of the earth....
Turns out I didnt move until last Friday instead, and I still don't have internet at the new house. I also have another kitty, she is cute. More later...

If you might be interested in the current status of my life, 269-272-3906. I'm around.

Upchuck

:: 2004 1 August :: 1.15am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls

Girls
Tonight is just one of those nights. One of those nights where I know exactly why I am crying, but I won�t tell her. I won�t tell any of you directly. You�ll just have to guess, good luck.

It�s been such a hard day. From seeing someone I didn�t want to see. Well, not that I didn�t want to see, but someone who brings back some bad memories that I wished hadn�t happened. And then seeing someone I really wanted to see, only to be disappointed by the entire endeavor. Why is it always females? No, I�m not going on some raving post about how I don�t understand women, nor how much I hate women. It�s just a decent human problem that I seem only to have with females, and today reminded me of that.

Boy do I want to just let it all loose now. This pain, and yes it is real pain, that I am feeling in my chest and the heaviness of my eyes just wants me to let loose. Why won�t I? Is it because I won�t let myself? I am allowed to be weak. I think it�s one of my greatest assets. That I can be weak, that I can show that to people.

First, the person that I did not really want to see again. Mostly I�ll talk about this because it�s what brings up most of my problems that I can think of with girls. Only because it involves three of them, with two conspiring against me to basically ruin my life because of my feelings for the third. Why does it have to be so awkward? So what is the big deal? I had a crush on her. Good for me. The other two blew that for me by 1. Writing a note informing her of that crush, 2. By being a willing delivery person playing games with my life, which you thought was fine. Well, okay. So you didn�t mess up that bad. Except for the fact that she is a nice person who I wouldn�t really mind having a friendship with, but now all that chance that ever existed is gone because of one stupid moment in my senior year of high school, that had, in reality, very little to do with me being stupid. So part one of my sorrow does not really inform parts two or three, but it does tell you that I had a rough day with all the thoughts above coming before noon today.

Second was actually born out of one and three but I�ll make it second anyway. Where the hell did you all come from? Where the hell were you when I was lonely? Where were you when I was afraid that I had no hope with the female persuasion? Where were you when I had no confidence in myself? Please tell me where. Now that I have a girlfriend, all of you are like, �I had a crush on you� or �I love you� (no offense to the two of you whom I am actually quoting, I like the sentiment, just resent the timing, besides, you are not the only ones). After that date I had at the end of my freshman year of college, I did not notice it for what it was. I was too wrapped up in her feeling for me to really look deeper and realize that I may be desirable to females. That all that time I spent in high school waiting for girls to grow up and get a clue, that it�s not about image, that that time had come. I missed it I guess. Or I�m living in it now.

Third, and the biggest reason of them all, is her. And none of it matters because I love her. And I really cannot say anything about this because it hurts so much. It�s just when it happens it leads to so much disappointment. I know it really shouldn�t but it does. It�s not my life, it�s hers. And it�s hers to do what she wants with it. I just feel like she�s trying to run away. That�s what happened the first time. She tried to run because she didn�t want to face it. Now I�m afraid that�s what she�s doing again. Setting herself up to run. It hurts so much to say that there is nothing I can do for her but when it comes down to it, I really can�t. There�s times where the feelings I get are just so out there and off the wall that I can�t understand the things coming out of my head. I can�t make her change. I can�t even attempt to make her change, not that I would if I could. It was just such a big disappointment. I don�t want her to know that. That�s why after she told me I wouldn�t let her look into my eyes. No matter what she says about not being able to communicate through each other�s eyes, it was so apparent in mine tonight. I know she could see that and that�s why she tried what she could. But it didn�t work. It�s not working now. So many things I want to say. So many things I want to scream, but I never will. I�ll just linger here in silence. Alone, waiting for the next disappointment to fall. That�s what she says, and maybe she�s right. Why should I expect anything? Life just leads to disappointment.

1 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 28 July :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: "One Week" Bare Naked Ladies

Today has been so strange
Well I talked to some chick on the phone today. Her name was Amanda. It was really weird because she was telemarketer. And she asked for me by name. Not by my usual given name that most telemarketers ask for me by, but by Charlie. So it was kind of weird. She sounded nice so I decided to placate her for awhile. She was very obviously reading from a script and was kind of rushing through it. So I let her give her speil, then I just told her the truth. "You must be misinformed, I don't have a mortgage," I said.
"I think you just invented a new way of saying your not interested," she responded. "You know, alot of people just say that to get rid of us."
"I'm telling you the truth. I'm 20 years old and I still live with my parents," I explained.
"So it's your parents I should be talking to," she said, obviously puzzled by having the wrong information.
"No, they have their mortgage paid off."
"So do you want a mortgage so you can get out of there?"
"No, no thank you."
--- CLICK ---

4 | *

danibean

:: 2004 28 July :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: blah

WARNING: PINE BOARDER FARMS GIVES YOU CORN NIGHTMARES.

work sucks i know....oh well, i get tan, and money...but still. staring at corn for 7 hours is not my idea of FUN!! ahhhhhhhh.......... if patsy dones't know how to play the game, we'll play it for her!! ow ow...zing...cabbage!!! haha corn!

infinite

:: 2004 28 July :: 1.31pm

whatever happened to GOOD music?

5 | *

danibean

:: 2004 25 July :: 8.23pm

*sigh*...i'm now a married woman and wolverine band camp was the best it has ever been.

1 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 25 July :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: "Ironic" Alainis Morrisette

Something and something more
When I first got home tonight I wanted to do one of those "what is this world coming to" updates but I decided against it. It's cool outside. No wind whatsoever and all the stars are covered by the clouds. It does allow me to see the glow of the now mighty town known as Cedar Springs.

I don't know where my many paths are taking me. Right now I don't feel they are all taking me toward one inevitable end, but niether are they traversing each other and getting so far away as such that I cannot keep a foot in them all. I really wonder where music is taking me now. Something that seemed so dead for so long has suddenly burst to life again. I have so many ideas and such a creative feeling that I don't want it to end. I feel I can lend so much to Ashley as a song writer and the band as a whole.

Other things are going smoothly too. After beating myself up two weeks ago I have really learned to accept this feeling that I have. And while much of it doesn't matter, there are still unresolved issues that I have in my own mind. Mostly because so much of my previous romance was spent IN love. I don't know why I draw such a distinction hear but I do. Perhaps it's an after effect of growing older. You don't feel IN love but you still love and are capable of loving. It's all very confusing to me this late at night.

3 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 19 July :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Will I ever understand
It's that time again. The time when I have been talking to people, thinking about things. I'd like to think it's thinking globally, but it's not. It's so much more than that. Last night I could not get it off my mind. The way things fit together, the way the entire world fits together. It's just so big that my head can't fit it all. It's just a great drive in me to try to figure it out. To not give up the ghost of understanding. So many questions and not enough answers. So much faith, so much love, but so much heartbreak too. Why? I don't know but I can feel that there is a definite purpose. It's just the way I feel and I've expressed this before. I feel it in other people. There are other special things that all of us are meant to do. Why do I feel I'm here to do somehting great? Why do I feel that others are too? But some of you never think about that. You have different dreams, different ambitions. Now, I have to figure out how it all fits. Like I'm ever going to be able to do that.

Last night was hard for the simple reason that I tried to explain this all to her. It just didn't sink in. Whether it's because she thinks that this part of me is the weirdest part of my entire psyche or what, but it just doesn't resonate with her. Is she one of those people? Does it matter? I don't know the answer to many of those questions. BUt it's the simple fact that her response to my questions were to ask God when I get to Heaven. I can't wait that long. I don't have the patience. Much of it is that I already know God's answers to many of the things I have questions about, it's just that I cannot rectify them with what I see happening in the world. I just hope that I never find peace in this life.

Talking to Keith I did come to the realization that it's people. Everything is people. The political science courses I took studied the tendencies of different institutions. The media, International Organizations, governments, they are all made up of people. People are the basis. People can be dealt with. People have compassion. People have an ability to care for one another. Somewhere we lost that. Somewhere, at work, or where ever we lost the ability to think outside of that. We made things easier by being able just live our lives. To not think about the way the world is, or to focus on one particular area of how the world works without looking at the big picture. Do other people think like I do? And if they do, when did they start and when did they stop? When did the world stop caring for itself? When did we stop caring aobut other people?

"We must love one another or die" - Morrie Schwartz Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 14 July :: 10.03am

It's the end of the line. Time to shut down the computer.

I move tomorrow morning.

crazygirl

:: 2004 11 July :: 10.22pm

so, i suppose a lot has happened since my last entry. i've just been so damn tired and stressed out, i couldn't even write about it.

well, i managed to squeeze enough time out of my week to see brett for three whole hours spread out over two days. sad, but atleast i got to see him. i'm looking for an opportunity to go visit him in cali soon.. though i'm not quite sure how that is going to work out.. i just need a break.

last week saturday (the 3rd?) a very irate coworker yelled at me or as the members of authority put it "bullied me" and threatened to kick my ass over something that she thought i did. the funny thing is, not only did i not do it, SHE did it. i was doing my job, and she was attempting to steal credit, which probably would not have been caught had she not accused me of stealing her credit. so i reported it because after a long week of work on a saturday morning, you don't want to deal with a large bitch yelling at you for no reason inbetween the angry phone calls coming in. so tuesday i had to go and talk to this person.. then that person.. then another person with this person.. and then those people.. and blah blah blah. then wednesday i had to go talk to another person with other people and give a statement. so the large bitch has been fired because basically, her story didn't hold up against mine and the statements given by my two witnesses. needless to say, nobody misses her. i felt a little bad about it, because i didn't want to get her fired, i just wanted her taken off of my shifts that she recently picked up. but then i decided, i don't give a shit. she acted ridiculous and it's nobody's fault but hers.

in other work-related news, i got a raise, but my night differential was taken away. so my hourly rate was raised 29 cents, but i'm not getting my extra 10% like i was before. also, my health insurance nearly tripled. yep. i was paying $96 a month and starting this month, i'm paying $263. i don't go to the doctor enough to make that worth it. and i still haven't heard about this other job i've been wanting. i called and they said they wouldn't be making their decision for about another week or so. i'm looking for other options. i'm exhausted of both places, the paper especially though. it's all the same bull shit over and over again, and my checks are getting smaller and smaller. i can't use any of my vacation or personal days because kathy won't replace julie to help cover the evening shift, so she can't afford to not have me there, i feel like i'll never get switched to day side like she promised me twice and let me down twice, my bonus plan is shit compared to dayside and is mostly based on extra work that i haven't been able to do since julie quit, and i'm just absolutely fed up with it all. my boss is a moron. period. there's more shit to be said about her antics, but this journal entry is long enough.

on the plus side, i have friday and saturday off. my boss at oberweis cares about me and scheduled those off for me without me even asking, so i think we're going to take jim to the lake. i have a feeling this week is going to be much better than last week.