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Aaron
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2003 21 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: Victorious
:: Music: path
And as for the little voice in my head, well of with it's head because tori does love me!!!
HAHAHA!!! hows that feel you stupid bitch?!?!?!?! huh, HUH??? i win. you lose. i could almost see the lookm on your face as tori out her amrs around me. hehehe, don't give me that bullshit you little fuck, you are my pessimism, and i kicked your ass. tori loves me, so :P!!! yeah, go hide your ass-ugly face and cry. i created you, but she destroyed you without a thought. you suck, and i left you and i'm never coming back!
faith
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Aaron
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2003 21 October :: 10.59am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Rain, i can't remember who wrote it.
Tori's pain
I can't erase what devon or brian or me or anyone else did, and i know we all hurt you in some way or another, but i will hold you till it heals, and the scars begin to fade, it does get better than this. just cry till it's gone, till you can't cry anymore.
"I can't stop the rain from coming down on you again, but i will hold till it goes away" Thats part of the song. i'm not going to pretend to be all mocho and shit and say that i can change the past and erase it. what is is, you can't change what they did, but you will heal, and i know morgan feels the same way as me, but we'll be here to hold you, a shoulder to cry on, until the wounds close up and the scars begin to fade, until you feel like you can face the world again. and even then, we'll be there to back you up, we're not leaving yet, so feel free to cry, to hurt, there is nothing wrong with that. i botttle up to much, pretend it's not there, and then things like the wendsday before last happen and people get hurt. i explode. my bottle overflows. i can't stomach the shit. so don't be like i was, just let it go. i hate to see you hurt, but i hate even more to see the hurt way down in you where it can't get out. it's like an infection, if left alone, it could kill you, and yeah, school in 45, so i got to go now, i'll see you there.
faith
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Aaron
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2003 20 October :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: impailed
well, come on, if i'm some emo kid so fucking be it. I DON'T FUCKING REGRET IT AND CHANCES ARE I'LL GO TO ANOTHER ONE!!! get the fuck over it!!! i don't care!!! i love tori, and so what? it's not like i'm ashamed of it, and if she goes to a fucking dance then i'll fucking go with her!!! and if you want to throw a punch or two over it, i'll throw a few right back, and you know as well as i do, maddy, that i could kick your ass. i don't care what you think, i really don't.
faith
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Aaron
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2003 19 October :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: anxious
so i wait, i look over the facts. she never directly told me she loved me, but she got mad when people told her she didn't. two fridays the friday before last, well, that could be a good day fo acting, but she fit. that's what doesn't make sence. she fit, but she is speaking of being betrayed and and hating someone she said she liked and loved. if it was just love, i would feel better, if it were just like, i would feel worse, but i know deep in my heart that truth hurts most, but lies never heal. i need the truth, who does she hate? who betrayed her? i wasn't begging for her to stay, hell i told her to get to work, but still my pessimistic ways are kicking in and i have no idea what to believe anymore.
9 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 19 October :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: predatory
:: Music: I wish you were here- Pinkfloyd
Off the phone with tori
when she said she was cold, i wiggled. I FUCKING WIGGLED!!! i really wanted to be able to hold her, to at least try to keep her warm (and i know someone will read this and take that like i wanted to fuck her which would not be the case, so yeah, fucker) i wish she was here. all of quins birthday party i wished she could have been there, except the part about when he, and his parents found it, and they thought he had been masterbating, and, oh holy hell that was nasty. ok, the concept was nasty, it is, it's fucking gross, but the way that happened and what happeneed after was, well, alot nastier. so yeah, no way she's ever hearing THAT story. well, i don't know. she's whispering in my ear again. she wants your flesh and blood and bone. she wants to rip your heart out and cut it open and drink it. she wants to take your worlds and make them crumble, and the only thing stopping her is me, and the only thing stopping me from letting her is the strength i see in you guys everyday. so stay strong, it'll cost you more than just your life if you give up. so stay strong and i can too.
23 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 19 October :: 2.04pm
:: Music: black water song, maralyn manson
"woke up today and wished for tomorrow,i don't want to be like anyone else.
woke up today and wished for tomorrow, i don't want to even be myself."
this cuts'll scar, won't they? well, whatever. i'm making tori a necklace, but i probably won't be finished by tomorrow. i found what i'm using for the key peice. it's sort of a preworn brass. i hope she'll like it. i'm really bored. Tori, when you get a chance call, but i'm getting a hair cut (not to short) so i may not be home.
and there is no garuntees that we're doing it today anyway.
3 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 18 October :: 6.19pm
I was thinking about the sixth grade when tori pried it out of me who i liked and when i asked her if we were still friends she just said," of course silly." well, i like her picture. very fitting. well, i have to go before i'm killed by my sister.
faith
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Aaron
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2003 18 October :: 4.42pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: more tachno on tori's computer
Shoulder to cry on
I hate this. being a guy sucks so much. who gave us this rap in the first place? who? i'll shoot them, i would. Who was it that decided that guys were supposed to be tough and able to handle themselves enotionaly? they were a moron. we hurt, we feel pain, or is it just me? is it? it is isn't it? either way, i still don't know what to do. the way i see it, the world puts more on my plate than i can stomach, and so i should be able to eat till i'm full and then dump the rest off, but no, i'm supposed to eat it all and puke it all over every one. in other words, take all i can than have someone to just listen to my shit that i can't eat, let it fall with the tears, harmlessly to the ground. but no, i have to eat it and the overflow and do things like 2 weeks ago when i attacked madeline, that's what happens when you spew on people. so girls don't want to hear my shit, guys would just reject me and give me more, adults want nothing more than to shout out their opinions and i just wan't someone to listen, not to give me bake the shit i'm spilling out. that's what i need. a shoulder to cry on, but i guess, because of what i am, there isn't one, is there?
3 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 18 October :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: strange technno on tori's computer
don't give me that shit
i have so much to yap about it's disgusting. ok, so here it is. first we start with updates on my current emotional status. no one cares but me, so i don't know why i do this, but i do, so :P. well, optimistic outlook- she loves me and brian and ian were right.
realistic outlook- she loves me, but brian and ian's coments were less than possible.
pessimistic outlook- it was a sympathy comment and she doesn't at all, and in fact still likes brian or quin or devon. hmph, i wish i knew what to think. i can't figure this out. ok look, she's having "troubles" (fuck my prying and lip reading abilities) and is just a little embarresed and doesn't want to talk to me right now. that makes sence. you can't blame her for that.
/ oh i know what you want to say/ what then? i wan't to say alot of things, most of which i will. no matter, that's for murgzy anyway./ whatever, you know-/ just go, your screwing with my entry. well, yeah, i know that this sounds wierd if i say it in my own words, so i'll quote various people from last night with as much accuracy as possible
first off.
Ian-"paul, dude, are you crying?"
paul-"no man, i'm fine."
Ian-" no really, what the fuck is the matter?
Paul-*glares*
Ian-" oh, i get it, brian, come over here, now, no sam you fuck off, this is serious"
brian-"what it is?"
Ian-" i don't know, something to do with tori."
brian-"do you love her?"
paul-*rolls eyes and says sarcastically* nooo........... what the fuck do you think??"
brian-" does she love you?"
paul-" i- i think so..."
Ian-"then what's the problem"
paul-"I know she has a legitimate not to be talking to me, but i'm a fucking pessimist, OK???"
Ian-"what's wrong with her?"
paul-"No way i'm telling you, but it's not as bad as i know you think it is."
Ian-"How much do you love her?"
paul-" if it were seven years from now, i'd marry her"
ian-"you know, that doesn't seem so impossible"
paul-"what do you meen?"
ian-"she fits."
paul-"huh?"
ian-"you two go together'
paul-"don't give me that"
ian-"what?"
paul-"your shit. you know that's what, 140% longer than i've known her before i could think about that sort of thing"
ian-"whatever, man, whatever, but you know you're wrong, you will marry her, she's fucking perfect"
paul-"would she marry me?"
ian-".........."
five hours later i'm lieing in the dark, watching the matrix reloaded and thinking to myself '90% of who we are is who we believe ourself to be, and the other ten percent is who everyone else believes us to be. that is the system. we are made up of beliefs.' and then i smelt her hair again, and realized the biggest obstical in my way was my own beliefs that i wasn't good enough for tori to ever love me, so i acted like a pessimist, and now that i believe that i'm above that, i can rise and at least believe, if not be, that i am worth something more than a road block, a obstical for her to pass. i won't let go. so don't try and make me. please, accept my apologies for my selfish and negative behavior. i will be stroger than this. i am, that is what i believe. ok then. life is getting better, it might be worth living...
1 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 17 October :: 9.47am
oh sure i trust her, i know i can't be that bad, it's tori after all. but when your head gets stuck on that, your listening to maralyn manson scream"rebel rebel, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party, sex sex sex and don't forget the violence" and are going insane because your cut off, you can't help but right, and if the thing on your mind is what the hell was in that backpack, your going to right about what the hell is in that backback, and it wasn't so much not talking, it was the knowledge that i couldn't that got to me.so i wrote a list, and it came out, weirded out. so what? does that mean i wouldn't put it past her to have most of those things? well i would, but there are a few closer people i wouldn't, though, frighteningly enough, i'm beginning to be able to see her with those ones....NO! MOTHERFUCKINGNO!!!! itrustheritrustheritrustheritruustherITRUSTHER!!!!! ok, all better now. i know she got that email, i know she did, and she doesn't answer to those. if she wanted to fucking say no then go ahaead, say fucking no!!! that'd be twice as good as not saying anything. i can handle more than you obviously think. i forget most things by the next day anyway. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!! hmmmm, i think it's time for another burning session. this should be fun........... now do i do it with them, or them, or them, or all by myself?well either way, i'll put it out of my mind. i have jazz band in fourtyfive minutes and really should go...... but tori, about your last entry, i know why you said that. i'm sorry. farwell chilins...................................
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faith
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 8.08pm
oh, joy, quin called and we are going to the dance on his birthday, i guess that means i lose the bet, no, waut, it was just for the eith grade formal, i don't owe sandy squat. and we'll only be there for a minute, and tori will be there, so it won't be that bad. so yeah, the dance, whatever. i guess i'm glad i have my ASB card, but whatever, i need to go but it's so addicting.........
5 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: impaled
:: Music: maralyn mansin
that entry was for me. i know you hurt, but i don't hurt as much as i protray, or maybe more, and just show the wrong reasons. either way, i'm lieing to myself and my friends. i know i should put what ever the hell is in your backpack out of my mind, but it keeps coming back. i need to get off before my mom catches me, but i'll write a list of what it could be and give it to you tomorrow. it's nothing personal, just my mind going wild, and i think if you look at it from that perspective, you'll find it to be most, amusing.........*smiles sinisterly* mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha...............well, love you all, see you later (except cory, cory's an ass, a flaming ass at that, but i know, that sounded preppy) well, maddy was right. who gives a fuck? only me for it to matter. no more worrying if that's "preppy" or not. i am who i am, no one's changing that, ever, so i don't care what i am, just who i am.
8 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 1.16am
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: brown eyed girl, sex pistols
ok, no more acting out this dramatic crap. we're in love, and all is happy. so will you go to a movie with me?
4 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 12.02am
:: Music: crawling in the dark, hoobastank
"systimatic decline"
I, i can't take it, i think i'm gunna pop. this is all too much. "oh hi paul, hows it going? what's up? come hang out with us. come here, i need to talk to you." or how about when they stand in the way, intentionally, like they want me to go away. that's probably what she wants, but i want them to go away, so we're even. i want the whole world to go away, so i can just be here, with her, and the only people that matter, and watch the rest burn in systimatic decline, my systimatic decline, because i would make them all go away, if i could.............
12 have a little |
faith
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Aaron
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2003 14 October :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: iris, googoodolls
What the hell have i done this time?
i know she's not, i know she doesn't, but non the less i feel like she has a bubble around her that i shouldn't penatrate, like she's holding something back. friday, friday was so perfect, and now i don't know what to think. i know i'm being selfish, but what can i say? i'm sick of not getting answers, so i think that i'll do what the bleeding room told me to do to ensure a 100% chance of that destiny, though ten years of pain is a long time, in the end, i find her don't i? well, i had a dream, a dream that i was stranded on an island with a ton of scientist and we found these indian people who were like,"go away!" and we were like,"No!" and then they're all,"OK then, we will go whine to the carrot god from the top of this hill!" and we was all,"whatthefuck???!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and then, mother fucking big carrots and a boulder or two came out of nowhere and rolled down the hill and killed a few of us, so we summoned the lighting god (however the fuck we did that) and we could use two types of lightning on this one indian dude that was obviously someone of importance, and we could use either purple or green lightning, and when we did, we could move him to a special spot, because it made a box around him, but i liked purple better cause it reminded me of tori's journal when i first saw it, so that's what i used, and then i went to have other dreams, possibly more twisted than that, and tori, i'm calling so :P!!!
faith
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