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2004 10 November :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: fuckin hell
I get the cutter thing now
and I'm as close to crying as I have been in years
sorry
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Twitchy
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2004 9 November :: 7.57pm
huge apology
Lauren, I kinda screwed up big time, I'm an ass, ... I'll try to make it up to you, and I'm really very sorry I messed up ...
Amelia, I'm sorry to you too ... I'm going to try to make it up to you too, I'm not good with gifts or anything ... but I'll try
Michal, tired to call ya the past few days, I'll try again today .. kinda hard when you're not around though
Kalie ... we need to work things out
I just can't do alot of things, I was antisocial until about a year ago, I'm not good with human interaction ... and I'm kinda slow, I don't want to say give me a break becuase I don't deserve it, but I try to juggle a torn family getting worse by the day, a decent sized group of friends, and keep up with shcool ... life's not the easiest thing I've ever done ... I fucked things up and now I feel like shit for it and I need to try to fix them, if you'll let me try
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Twitchy
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2004 8 November :: 12.55am
What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked/loved you
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:
What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Mannerisms:
Family:
Friends:
Decisions:
Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Have Sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:
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Twitchy
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2004 7 November :: 11.10am
:: Mood: ugh
:: Music: something by Green Day
sunday's are the hangovers of the week so give me a bathrobe and lose my razor and call he ready
just thinking a little and cyler's kinda right ... life's changed alot ... I knew if but I didn't like to think of it that much
take a look at you most recent yournal entry and then back at your first and tell me what do you see?
feel free to post on this, tell me what you do see
I see a guy who was really really lost ... a guy no one really cared about, a guy who'd had a hell of a year before that, and who was basically living in a mental breakdown, an agnostic who barely took care of himself, really just living to pass the time, not doing anything but leeching on to something small in life, a mildly intelligent person constantly in pain .... I was miserable ... then there were a few days really that defined my life ... February 14th, thank god for that day, I remember coming up here and thinking it had been a long year and knowing that I was falling apart, and then I got a big flash of realization, before that, January 31st I believe ... hated myself for that, then there was March ... and spring break after that, (alot of these references you don't understand or think sound small, but they worked to wake me up) ... things went on
but in the end I'm still depressed and I still have a guilt complex, I still float around dissassociated sometimes and I still feel alot of anxiety ... but what didn't manage to kill me did make me stronger, I think I'm a batter person for it ... I learneed alot more from alot of exestential exposure, I saw alot ... in life, the better and the worse sides, I found a neiche, basically I think if I could get over that, if we could all get oevr the past few years of life, just makes us better, stronger, or t least that's what happened to me ... life still has downs, and alot of em, but it's got a few ups now ... it feels wrong to admit things are a little better, but I look back at the clique that started this, all spread around ... well ... things are different ...
so tell me ... what's changed for you, look at your first and last entry
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Twitchy
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2004 5 November :: 11.51pm
to Kalie and Lauren (not the one with the journal on here) sorry bout that, I had to jump off the comp quickly and deal with something around the house, I just dissappeared, sorry bout that but something very big beckoned, not the say talking to you wasn't important, but there are some things you gotta do
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Twitchy
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2004 3 November :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Brainiac's Daughter
tonight was uber, it was greatness, not crazy fun, but just one of the best times I've had in a while, and ... happy
it was good
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2004 1 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: oddly at peace with it
well ... I do like halloween, saturday I dressed up as Marylin Manson and walked around Chewelah, Sunday went to a party with paul, had fun, kinda trashed his house ... ya'know how it is
I'm kinda oddly at peace with things ... I donno, it's nice right now, Morgan's good, things are ok with almost everyone
things I could be doing better in life:
raise my math grade a little
get involved in more outside activities
mend fences with Amelia and Cyler
talk more to Kalie, the other Morgan, Mandy and others
be a better person
outside of that, things go well
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2004 30 October :: 9.56pm
interesting day, I felt like doing something so I put on some face paint and greased my hair, put on a trench coat and scared the locals
I was down at the store and a bunch of girls were just lookin at me and talking, they eventually sent one over to ask me to come to their halloween party, kinda sad I had to turn them down, but I had something to do
on to the next part, made my own apple cider today, mo brought out the press and we went up on Nook road to Doug's orchard and got a few barrels of apples, cranked the lever and diced the apples, and pressed them, I accidentally pressed it to hard and broke the press but we got about two gallons of excellent home made cider ... and I still look like a member of Kiss ... so today was interesting, kinda fun
but pointless
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Twitchy
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2004 28 October :: 8.47pm
:: Music: The Mole From The Minestry/ The Dukes of Stratos[here
Imagin that the universe is essentially a ball floating in a huge vaccume, and don't think about proportions. An ant upon that ball can crawl around it over it and through it but it will eventually loop around no matter where it goes. THis is the universe. No change that ball to a proportionally shaped patatoe chip (the shape of the universe) and add the idea that there is not set size. Here we have the idea that the ant is held here by gravity which holds all this together, and thus there is no way for the ant to transcend the areas beyond that universe as there is no way for the ant to jump off the ball being held so solidly.
Imagin if you will that there was some way of defying this little law and somehow transcending this little problem, you would find yourself in a vast vaccume looking down upon a self contained area, in this vaccume there is no gravity or matter, a void of course, no laws we know would be relevent and thus this transention may be a delusion, but beyond that one saddle shaped universe is another with a seperate set of laws seperated by some vast vaccume that I cannot comprehend, herein lies the flaw as in a self contained universe we are incapable of imagining the spectrums that we are not allowed to grasp.
Returning for a breif respite to where we live, the "universe" is a flase name as we are not all, let us call the space .. the void occupied by the many universes, let us refer to that unattainable place as the omniverse ... maybe the body of god? ... but still within our universe we have our laws. Wormholes are basically burrows in space which shoot us through time and space as they are the variatable exception to time, a bend in the line as it were. Time is like a line, there is no beginning and no ending, just two points of significence which in the meantime change the other three dimensions traveling along it, so time as an altering effect is tangible, and also a burrow through it could allow for some transoprtation to a different plane. We will return here in a moment if you will. On the line of time two points can mark the creation of one phase of matter and as those three dimesnions move along they alter until the end of that phase where the matter breaks and readies for a new phase. Here we find the big bang. We are some sort of multiverse really as we conatin branes which are essentially traveling masses of energy and matter, little self containes three dimensional universes moving along a third universe all converging on the line of time. When two branes meet they form some sort of oscelation in which matter and energy is combined in some sort of huge bang, and then we have the temporary phase of the existance of one of the little universes in the multi-verse that is our universe, and for a time it will last but as the branes move apart and the matter breaks at the end point it all falls apart, moving along the line of time they pass in their seperate ways to move on, waiting for another oscelation to create another big bang. This is the beginning of time, the beginning of our time, the last oscelation we are aware of, creating the laws we move along. A wormhole is the basic burrow that destructs all this but it ends up leading us into another little world in which we cannot exist and so we are destroyed into another bran as it were and in the end that is one of the seperate universes, seperate from the being we call a bran, in which a different path has been taken from one of the alternate paths on the line of time. I suppose that's where it gets confusing and I start to lose it at the coils and at wormholes.
Still, on a lower level, we say there is space between quirks but really there is something making up quarks and between quarks, the string theory that evenrually you get down to something that once looking in upon it becomes yet another self-contained universe with inhabitents unable to transcend the vaccume or become aware. Where is the line really? we don't know where these little strings end in their vibrations, or for sure if my little omniverse is real. We would have to transcend the lose set of rules we call reality to find out. As it is we are bound by four dimensions and will not be able to transcend them. Maybe there is an ultiverse above this omniverse ... an omegaverse above that but we shall never know, it's all a bit like cellular structure, one being helping to make up another and in turn this creates the idea the we and all our cells are merely part of a larger being on the grand scale. Where does it end below quirks we don't know or the omegaverse we don't know, some ultimate being or is it a bit like one of those little russina dolls that never ends.
Bound to this world we'll never know, but this is as much as I comprehend. Through wormholes and through the idea that traveling in one universe the us that is will eventually encounter one set demise whole the us that takes the other road will encounter the other, or sometimes the branch loops back around in time to a same reasult which is common of the minor, here we see that there is some kind of fate, and we can see some future, the future we make for ourselves, we choose the paths of endless forks until we reach a game over, there is a fate but first flip to page 38 to see where you go before that you know, make a decision, you could go one way or another but all possibilities exist under one another. Here we find ourselves, traveling on the line of time confined to our little multiverse of a "universe" there is one small point of our birth our transcendence from our last phase, the assemblance of our matter, to our demise, the next pahse of our being, buddhist theories, but in the end who cares, it's not the point one or the point two that matters it's the ride we take and how we live. The meaning of life is so simple, it's to live and best not to screw it up by ending it or by searching for a meaning you'll never find because you're doing what you need to, just live and do what you think is right and good and have some fun eh?
Please tell me if any of this made no sense or if you'd like to hear more, or if you disagree, more comments, help for my understanding, but at least any feedback is good.
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Twitchy
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2004 24 October :: 9.49pm
nothing like hearing from pat, eating some raw limes, cooking and hearing from morgan to cheer a guy up, things are shaping up I hope
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2004 24 October :: 1.23am
:: Mood: melancholy
sometimes I feel wrong for feeling ok ... like I don't deserve it, like it's not right ...
and sometimes it's draining to just have to focus so hard on keeping what I have
what do I have? I know I have you all and that makes me happy, that's when I usually don't feel drained, but I'm not always around you all ... and it's hard to keep it up sometimes
... my life is of nominal interest ... and I guess my situation is of nominal nature, so why worry ...
I just feel bad, just bad ... for all the stupid things I've said and the stupid things I've done ... I try I really do, but ... the shit happens, and it ends up hurting me the most trust me
so I just want to say that I am really very fucking sorry for all the stupid things I've done and said and thought, not that it absolves anything, not that it'll even help me sleep tonight, just that I think you should all know that I'm deeply and truely sorry
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Twitchy
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2004 22 October :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: happy
Well I guess almost everyone knows so it's no big suprise, so I can out and say I'm going out with Morgan (not tori's friend)
I guess it makes me happy really, I had thought for a time that she didn't want to be around me, but in truth it turned out she was just shy, and it turned out we'd been kinda both hanging around eachother for a long time, tenative flirting I guess you could say
Yeah, I think it all works out. We went to the mall with Amelia, Brooke, Alex, Lauren and Ryan today, that was fun, we mainly sat around and talked, I think it's good that I dragged her down, she was kinda depressed this morning. She's made me feel good for a while, and not that my friends don't do that, but made me feel really good, and kinda made me see that I have a nominally interesting life
things are good thus far
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2004 18 October :: 1.19am
I think .... I think I'm starting to get it ... because I feel something right now, ... and I think I get it, I really do, after all the fucking work, I think I'm getting a vague grasp ... I think I get it
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Twitchy
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2004 17 October :: 2.51am
:: Mood: HAH
:: Music: Normal Like You/Everclear
well, I guess I'll be the first to write about homecoming ...
to start, I guess I look ok in a tux
I also look good eating a sub in a tux, long story but erin, kalie, taylor, brooke, jen, alex, ryan, rachel, kim and some others of us were going to go to Red Robin, but we didn't we ate subs in formal wear before walking up to LC
there I met up with Steph, Sarah, Nathan who does clean up fairly well, and several others including cyler and his kick ass kilt, and matt (still a few hard feelings I guess ... but hey, he's a friend .. I hold nothing against him)
side note, on the way to LC I ran into Kira and Beta, they weren't going but Kira was happy that I was, she was sad that I'm "still single" and offered to be my non-existant date, so that was nice
talked with Steph for a while, then some other stuff, found tori and went inside, met alot of good people, including one who I didn't recognize ... from my orchestra no less.
Danced a little just for fun with the group I came with, and then wandered off and found Paul and Mercades of all people, I haven't seen him in a couple months, and I still miss the hair ... I love that guy like family really ... one of the only people who gave a shit about me before it became some sort of fad, one of the only three or so who really deeply cared at first. I miss him around alot, talked with him a bit, hope I helped a little, all I can wish for
then Steph and her friend pulled me off to the side, Morgan had showed up, and was very shy, long sotry short they got me to slow dance with her
after this I danced with Nathan, and then was wisked off my feet and carried across the room (side note, I almost spanked Joe before this, and had tried to get cyler to dance with me just to scare him and make brooke laugh, he ran a lap to get away)
Well ... hum, walked around with nathan a little, talked with Kalie and steph mainly, she slaped me upside the head until I slow danced with kalie, and then I slow danced with Emma, she felt bad about the last time, and we tired to incorperate olivia, but that was hard
in the end I saw brandon and ellen slow dancing and then fast dancing to rap, I had told her to get him to dance sometime, and so they danced, maybe not my fault, but I wanted to see him dance, funny as hell, as they were dancing she looked at me and gave me the thumbs up
in the end, said my goodbyes, saw christian, and then talked with saiki, ellen and ryan a little, ryan's a nice guy, but taylor never did what she wanted to ... so boo
then I came home to this shit, please take me away
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2004 13 October :: 11.08pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Dumb. Nirvana
an excerpt from my day:
me talking to a violin in my section who misses sectionals alot
her "I'm sorrry but I really can't make it, can we work something else out"
me "any ideas?"
her "we could always do private sectionals at lunch sometime until we work something out"
enter gabe
me "ok, we can do a private sectional sometime tomorrow"
Gabe looks at me, looks at her "WAY TO GO MARK!"
heh, funny times
well, it's been a long day, sectionals, finding Mr.K at lunch, debate after school, and such things, and then trying to find out where practice was, hell of a day
all in all, I'm amused, things could be better, could be worse, they're amusing, they're ok, hanging by a thread
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2004 9 October :: 1.11am
:: Mood: bleh
Tis the weekend, well that was along week
not much to say ... I passed out today
it was odd, I got up and had one of my head rushes and kept walking around with blurred vision, but when I got to the step of the stairs I completely blacked out, and there was purple in my head, and I started getting wobbly, and thinking oh god I'm gonna fall
I don't remember anything but hearing a crack and a thud and then waking up sprawled on the ground, I didn't remember falling or why I was there until I got up again ... it was an odd experience, my head rushes have been getting worse, and now if I'm fainting, maybe somethings wrong, could be the low blood pressure, could be the beta-blockers, don't know, but it's really a problem
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Twitchy
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2004 8 October :: 12.38am
:: Mood: really weird
:: Music: Eye/ The Smashing Pumpkins
here I am again ... and I think it's time to look at my life in some detail
alot's changed in the last year, and I'm waiting for it to settle down, but it won't will it?
Luaren, Gabe, Amelia, Pat, Kira, Saki, Tayla, Morgan Ly., ... a hell of alot of people I won't go on with names, they've all seen fit to grace my life be it in cameos or to stay, and I wonder why people hang around me, I'm fairly negative
Mr. Kenlein has called me, jokingly, "The luckiest guy in the freshman class" ... heh, like all the girls said to him, "he's like a girl"
well ... here we are, I know some more people. I'm not so pessimistic, I've got a set idea of what I think, I think that's an improvment, got longer hair, lankier, I think that's an improvemnt, so in general through backbreaking labor I've been able to better myself
but there are times I look at myself and I look at the world around me and I think I'm just a shell
really, I don't know who I am, I don't know who this person is. I don't know what I want, what I need, what I'm gonna do. And sometimes I feel like all the progress I've made, all I've done, is like water in fragil glass suspended over an emmense fall
what you see is the glass, and then ... I feel like I'm falling sometimes, like sometime I'll just break and I won't be able to do this anymore, to deal with life and keep myself stoic, be happy sometimes
I try so damn hard not to be sad, not to be sad about me, I try so damn hard to get over my pain, but I guess I hurt too, still
I guess I gotta keep it together, failure is not an option, I literally cannot fail in this part of life, can't fall, and if I can't I never will right
so I'll hold onto this thread and keep a grip, be some sort of a rock if you need me or not, because I think that's what drives me, that's what keeps me going, being able to be there for all of you, my friends, I love you all, very much ... and I just want to be able to be there to help you, you're all I need, I just want to be there to help you when you fall, to get you back up, to help you see some light, to cheer you up or to just be that solid, funny guy you go to, that's what keeps me going, being there for all of you
as long as I have you all ... as long as you all hurt, and I can help you in any way, I'll keep myself together, even when it's all better for all of you, you'll never deal with my collapse, I won't let me bring you down, I'll stay together for all of you
much love to all my friends, the new and the old
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2004 30 September :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Roof with a Hole/ Meat Puppets
My eyes are burning like all bloody hell
This week's moved by fast and it's been another of those fl,oating times, going through the motions, spotted by a few little peaks of good and bad, but the calm mellow thing ... I don't know if you can say it's working for me, because now Amelia thinks she's annoyed me. yeah you wanna annoy me, good luck trying, I''m just to ... bland, and ... stoic when it comes down to it, and sometimes so much that I think people begin to think I'm made of stone
things've been weird, met a few enw people, got an offer to be in a band with Gabe and Chris, not much in life
I feel like I'm falling really into this little rut, ever since I found out pat was going, well, things started to go downhill, I started questioning my ability, and I still do
I think I might be stoic to the point of being insensitive, yet I still see the same way I used to, that same way that told me I was me ... well I guess it's the new year, time to find my place once more
off, off again into this brave new world, and we all know how that one ended
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2004 27 September :: 12.23am
:: Mood: mental breakdownish
I have weird mental breakdowns, triggered by the stupidest things
I bottle things up, it's what I do, I store away things and hope they don't come back, of course this always kickes me in the ass
every once and a while something trigges a regression, such as today, my fear of change reached its peak, I'd bottled up everything for the past half year, and it's just ... been very dynamic, everything's been so new, and I've just taken it all, without shock, and even through all this I waited it out
I get home today, and I find a new kitten there (cute thigns like babies, puppies and kittens scare me) and it's new ... I never knew about it, and the old cat's missing, and baolu's hanging around the house
I just stood there and then I blinked, and something popped, so I just walked to my room, sat down on the couch, cruled up and looked at the wall for a while, just sitting there thinking
a worse one happened a half year ago when I flashed back to all the crap people say about me, behind my back and all the bad shit in my life, that one was really ... very bad
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Twitchy
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2004 23 September :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: blech
:: Music: something on the radio
01. Who are you? What’s our relationship?
02. How and where did we meet?
03. What's my middle name?
04. How long have you known me?
05. Tell me one good thing about myself...
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?
07. My name?
08. Birthday?
09. My Favorite band at the moment?
10. Color of my eyes?
11. Do I have any siblings?
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?
13. What’s one of my favorite things to do?
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?
15. Describe me in 3 words...
16. Name 5 things I love...
17. Do you think I'm good looking?
18. How would you describe me to someone?
19. Would you ever date me?
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did....
21. What do you like most about me?
22. If we could spend the day together, what would we do?
23. Have we ever gotten in a fight?
24. Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?
25. Give me one nickname and explain why you picked it...
26. What do you think my weakness is?
27. Do you think I’ll get married?
28. What makes me happy?
29. What makes me sad?
30. What reminds you of me?
31. If you could give me any thing, what would it be?
32. When's the last time you saw me?
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35. Are you going to put this on your woohu/livejournal/xanga and see what I say about you?
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?
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2004 23 September :: 12.33am
:: Mood: depression
:: Music: something on the radio
I am not a good person
I'm not the best person in any aspect
I'm a distant person
I'm a person who fears commitment
I'm a paranoid person
I'm a cold person
I'm a bad friend
I'm a weird and useless guy
I'm a guy with not much going for him
I'm a lonely person, even if I'm not all alone
I'm a selfish person
I'm a person who should show he cares more
But most of all
I'm a person who doesn't like himself
I'm a negative creep and everyone hates my negativity
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2004 19 September :: 12.05am
:: Mood: actually ... ok
:: Music: Eye/ The Smashing Pumpkins
it's been a good day, went down to get Peter's drivers liscense, and we found out his name is still legally Zhu Feng Pete Leahmann, so say hi to Zhu Feng everyone, well he's going back to Dartmouth on Monday and he'll be fulling four straight semesters, so in the next year and a half I'll see him ... once if he comes back for christmas, he's a good guy, but more on him later
went out to tori's party, things went well, got some good feedback on the story from her mother, thank you that's the kinda stuff I need, I need to make it better, so thank you for your honesty
hanging out with cyler and vivi was good, mandy, haven't really talked to her much lately, and of course tori and anya, taylor and rachel, emma and sophie (on a side note she doesn't seem to hate me, that's new for one of tori's friends who I don't know from elsewhere not to hate me, but a fun feeling) went to see the movie, all was good in the realm of joy, then cylers hat falling down three stories, and the vivi groping, and the rex kwan do fighting and the chicken fights, all very fun, well much joy to tori, had a good time
immediately after we went and got Peter and took him down to Anthony's, the new and expensive reasturant down by the river, and had a good meal, Baolu seemed kinda off ... she talked a little to exastentially for he some old self. But all and all Peter and I had some laughs, things were good.
Now that I think about it, and Peter was thinking about this mainly and sharing it with us now that he's in Hannover, Spokane isn't such a bad town. I actually think I'm kinda fond of the south hill, it's got nice buildings, and such things, the kinda dense foresty look is nice, the landscaping and the better neighborhoods, brick roads here and there and the parks, it's nice and quaint, and very lovely, it's a nice place to live. And then there's the river, and the main roads, I've actually had some good times. The Deatour, The Big Easy, alot of good places, Manito, Riverside ... there are actually moe things to do. I think it's a nice place in truth, but it'll be good to get away ..... I'm refelecting on Spokane, damn you Peter, damn you for putting the thoughts in my mind!
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2004 18 September :: 10.53am
:: Mood: ugh
:: Music: something on the radio
how Mark got his groove on
That was a fairly good night, and yes I was actually forced to dance ... three times. Emma, Taylor and Katie would swoop out of the crowd like hawks and pull me away by the arms and just start throwing me around .... really odd.
Saiki was messing with me fo most of the night about Stephanie, so htat was kinda annoying, but I think all the commotion might have created a somewhat good night for her, better than just sitting against the wall. (sarcastically) she got to talk to me
and such and such things, saw a few people I hadn't seen this year, ran into those really weird upper class girls again, and the three od us almost started a mosh pit but we were to late.
I wish I could have done more to make some people happy and to make the night better, but I guess I was just a little caught up in what I was doing ... and they never want me to help unless they ask ... reasonable
well, tori's party today, I'm not sure about all of the people going, I think maybe 20 of us? I know it's me and taylor, but who else? Well, twill be a good day I hope
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2004 17 September :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: a little sad
:: Music: When I Come Around/ Green Day
I heard it all before
So don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
to try and slag me down because I know you're right
things have been intersting, and I guess alot's gone on since the second day of school
now we're on what, the ninth day? well alot's new ... a few people having a good time, some together, some with prospects, met some new people like Tayla and Morgan L. and all the others like what's her real name ... well I call her saki, that one person in science, I guess I should be meeting new people like I am, but I'm not really trying so I'm kinda confused about how this all happens
had some good times and had some bad times, to be expected, but overall things have gon fairly well, and there's just this kind of free air, like I'm floating around, I think I'm just getting more distant
well, alll the first two weeks lead to this little entry, all the hellos and the intros are over, we'll be going into a mundane story of life now ... how sad ... but the mixer's tonight, I'll go, alot of people are and it might be good, it at least fills up the weekend, and ...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TORI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to go get your gift
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Twitchy
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2004 11 September :: 1.13am
:: Mood: depressed and wrong
:: Music: landslide/ The Smashing Pumpkins
Just Wrong
I just feel wrong
I've been feeling ok lately, but kind of uninvolved, like I'm trying to escape me
I do this somethimes, I wander outside my body, and I put on a happy face, and I do my thing, but I never face myself
I don't even like looking in mirrors, I fear myself, ... I don't like to look at me or think about me, me is not a nice topic
rotten, but I'm a nice guy, just not right, I'm a good person I guess, just not right, as far as I can tell I try to be kind, and I like alot of people, just not right being me, if that makes any sense
I have never looked at myself really, I know everything that's wrong with me, to anyone who I've looked at, to anyone whose "Mind I've Looked Into" I've done it to myself, and I can't fix me
I know what's wrong, I just don't fix me, and it huts to say it
I try to be as nice and normal as I can be, but I'm not right, I know what's wrong, so why not fix it, not right
sometimes I look at me, and then I look away, what I can neveer figure out, why do I hate me so much, why do I alienate me form myself, why do I simply care about others instead of myself? I live in my friends I guess, I've got nothing else
I'm making no sense
And this is how it gets when I try to fix myself, but I never can, I'm just wrong and I don't think anyone can help, so while I'm here, I'm here to do what good I can for the world in this ... wandering and useless existance, to make something up to the world and to my friends for putting up with me ... I'm wrong, and I don't know how to be right, and I know what you all have to say to that, but it's true, I'm wrong
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Twitchy
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2004 8 September :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: some mix CD I found around, I think Zappa and Satriani
second day of school, because the first is overdone
so it's the second day, that's over, that's good. It was kinda boring, but good.
I'll skip talking about all the first day stuff, but here's what happened today.
1st period, kick ass science class, Benett is a good teacher and alot of good people are in there, Cameron, Jordan, Cyler, Brooke, Laurl and people like that. Didn't do much, but it's still a good class.
2nd peiod, math class, kinda long and boring, Rydholm is kinda spacy and ... odd, but still, Taylor and Kalie are good, it's a good class to sit around and talk in if we had something to talk about, work goes fast
3rd orchestra, alot of people dropped out, but tori and gabe, isall good, good good good, but he stabbed tori, bad thing, and then I taked to Lauren, only a little, and I forgot to give her the story, so I did it later, so that works
Lunch was boring went around with Chelsea for a while but did nothing else but sit around, I need to find some people o a good place
4th period, cool period, I enjoy Kenline and such things, plus Michal and Tori are in it, and Matia and whoever it is who's next to me, good good
5th period, bad period, kinda boring and ... slow
6th period, kinda tuned it out, Jen and I talked a bit, and CHelsea and Tirney or however it's spelled, but they're fun to talk to, and it seems easy enough
I feel like I'm not being challenged, but there's the rest of the year, no?
well, how was your day?
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Twitchy
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2004 3 September :: 9.09pm
:: Mood: very odd
It's been wierd, and I hhaven't updated in a while
Things have kinda sucked now that Pat's gone, and I want to hear from him soon, miss him much.
I've finished one of my stories a few weeks ago, and now I'm thinking about what to write, I've got a few ideas, but can't decide, need an outline.
Not much has been going on otherwise, orientation
That was weird, I know alot of people and it really bugged Michal and Laurel, I've got to introduce some of them to you all
helped someone open their locker, got followed for the rest of the morning, that was weird, I just opened a locker and met someone new
Saw alot of people, got alot of weird looks and Cyler can vouch that I think I got the last laugh with Benett in first, aloth of good classes, sounds like a good year to come
I don't want to rant to much, but ... yeah
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Twitchy
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2004 23 August :: 10.07am
:: Mood: sad, annoyed, just ...
I know no one reads this journal
if you do, well that's nice
all this stuff with cyler and "the group" and tori and the older, guys, all this it's starting to piss me off
live and let live, that phrase ring a bell?
lay off all of this, it's creating a rift between close friends, and even not so close friends, but just hearing bad rumors or getting/giving wrong information, that's no reason to create a rift, you know the guy who's writing this, can you imagin how much shit I get, how many people really do hate me, how much shit I get on a daily basis. People don't like me and chances are I've always got one or more friends pissed off every day. But who the fuck cares, it doesn't bother me that much. Once it gets to he said she said I tune it out, who cares what someone thought another person said. By the sound of all this there's a hell of alot of misunderstanding going on, can't people just forget crap that might not be true and focus on solid truths, if you need to just find out from the source. You all say it's not so easy as I make it sound, well it's how I live life. I get shit for that too, but that's what seems right, if something is seriously causing trouble then find out straight from the source what's going on. I'm just trying to give a somewhat logical idea of what's to be done here, and I don't care if I have to do it for someone, send me out. I have confidence that people tell me at least half the truth. Just calm down and listen to eachother for once. I'll help if you want, just tell me how, no one will. But I'm here and I'm sick and tired of seeing my friends get torn apart by rumors, slanders, misunderstandings, and different ideas. So either figure this out or stop fighting and move on, I don't know the truth for sure of everything, it's like a divorce, if you string it out longer with more misunderstanding and fighting it's only worse for everyone, and more draining.
I'm sorry really for being so annoyed by all this, but I know half of you won't read this. I try not to get emotional, but I can't help it sometimes. Cyler's worried about Tori getting hurt, and Tori doesn't want anyone to ruin her new, happy as far as I've heard so I'll believe it, and good friendship with older, and from what people say, more mature guys. I've got no problem with either side, but you're not protecting eachother from being hurt here, you're not preserving anything weith eachother, you're hurting eachother, causing pain and suffering, even if that comes in the form of anger, rage can hurt to.
And one other thing, when's the last time one of you called me. I know I move around alot, and I'm not here alot, but I try calling you all, long distance even, just to say hi. Not often, but I try, and sometimes I get through, most of the time I get a she's not here, try this number, busy tone.
If you want I'll get out of this issue, but tearing apart friendships and slandering eachother just makes no sense to me for the mere misunderstandings and opposing ideas. Makes no sense to me, it does to you, I try to see the three sides of an argument, maybe I'm not seeing it, beut from above it seems a bad thing to be arguing so badly about. That's all I have to say, listen to this or don't that's your choice, just don't tell me I'm full of shit.
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chocolatemilk
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2004 23 August :: 2.28am
Era MI buñuelo de la fresa.
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Chocolatemilk
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2004 18 August :: 12.22am
When do you wake up in the morning?
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