.:.tubas keep kids off drugs.:.
i just wanted to update because i had the best time ever today. te amo mi vida :) and i got things for some people, even if it is stupid things, and i am so excited. and i hope they know how much i love them even if i can only get them stupid things. and i got the best hat ever. viagra racing. hells yea ... and i talked to my tampa beautiful boy and he is totally going to be at orbit in may. rock ! beautiful boys are excellent. and hopefully i get to go to dashboard. and hopefully, 420 will be most excellent. i will post a million things that day just because i want it to be all "4-20-2002" ... 420 rocks. haha ... okay, love you guys, bye. *

*~i finished my ice cream and dropped my spoon. i always drop my spoon. i don’t know why i bothered telling you. maybe i was hoping to make the conversation flow to the point where i would think that maybe i had a chance. either way, it did not work, so my purpose is irrelevant. i think i was half crazy to bother raising my hopes high enough to care so much ... i think you do not care about any of this. so why do i keep talking ? i guess it is my way of forcing you to stay and like me. you don't, and i am dumb. but repeat it as i may, you don’t ever contradict me. so i will spend my last 9 minutes making pointless conversation, then erase this from my memory and not bother you again. but can i ask you a favor ? will you put up with me for these last 9 minutes so i can go to sleep and have one last dream about you ?~*

i just started listening to the Pies Descalzos cd that i burned; Shakira's first cd. it is so excellent. and one of the songs has the best lyrics in the world, much better than anything i could ever write, so i am posting them in spanish, then i will attempt to translate and rhyme it so you can get the same effect. or you could run it though an online translator. the the housewife. love susan. bye. *

Para amarte necesito una razón, y es difícil creer que no exista una más que este amor.
Sobra tanto dentro de este corazón que a pesar de que dicen que los años son sabios todavia se siente el dolor.
Porque todo el tiempo que pasé junto a ti dejo tejido su hilo dentro de mi.
Y aprendí a quitarle al tiempo los segundos.
Tú me hiciste ver el cielo aún más profundo.
Junto a ti creo que aumenté más de 3 kilos con tus tantos dulces besos repartidos.
Dessarollaste mi sentido del olfato y fué por ti que
aprendí a querer los gatos.
Despegaste del cemento mis zapatos para escapar los dos volando un rato.
Pero olvidaste una final instruccion porque aún no sé como vivir sin tu amor.
Y descubrí lo que significa una rosa.
Me enseñaste decir mentiras piadosas para poder verte a horas no adecuadas,
y a reemplazar palabras por miradas.
Y fué por ti que escribí más de 100 canciones, y hasta perdoné tus equivocaciones.
Y conocí más de mil formas de besar, y fué por ti que descubrí lo que es amor.

it is better in english without my stretching to rhyme and failing.

*~To love you I need a reason.
And it’s hard to believe that there’s no other one but this love.
There is so much left over in this heart that even though they say that the years make you wise, I still feel all this pain.
Because all the time I spent with you left your threads woven in me.
I learned to take the seconds out of hours.
You made me see the sky as more profound.
I gained at least 3 pounds with you around me, with your many charming kisses on my body.
You unraveled my intuition.
And it was for you that I learned to love cats.
You released my shoes from being stuck on tile, so we could escape and fly away for awhile.
But you forgot one last instruction.
Because I don’t know how to live without your love.
I discovered the real meaning of a rose.
You taught me to tell lies that are somewhat moral, so I could go see you at indecent times, and to replace words with glances and sighs.
It was for you that I wrote 100 songs and I even learned to forgive all your wrongs.
I learned more than 1000 ways to kiss, and for you I learned what love is.~*

like it, love it, want more of it. hahaha bye. *

*~i am missing everything about you. i wish there was something i could do to get you back … even if we were never really together. maybe all i need is closure. something to let me know that, even if you stopped caring, you did at one point. that i wasn’t some cheap infatuation to you, like to anybody else who has ever looked twice at me. more often than not, however, those looks are filled with disdain … resembling yours now. the scornful looks you send my way, thinking i did not notice, burn holes in my heart. was what i did so wrong ? i thought we talked, and it was okay. i don’t know whether i would rather have you continue to live your life, taking cautious steps to avoid me, or confront you about what is going on and have whatever words you have to say to me set my heart aflame and rid me of all that I have left. at this point it is not much, but i have learned to subsist on very little from others ... and nothing at all from you. but i don’t want to live my life this way. not when i know how much better you could make it. does that matter to you ? i know you’ll never read these words ... maybe that is why i can write them so freely. the last effort i made at writing something for you did not turn out as planned ... in fact, it drove you further and caused more heartbreak for the both of us. but just so you know, you were not the only one with a broken heart. not everything is always as it seems. maybe sometimes though, it is better that you remain oblivious to my emotions ... they would not bother you in the least, but to know that they do not affect you would affect me tremendously. so i will shut up, paste a smile on my face, and nobody will ever know the difference.~*

i am pretty, guys ! ....



april fools ! hahaha. that was lame, yo. but at least now i will be able to write in my journal again. hells yea ! bye. *

p.s. making out is fun. everybody should do it at least twice a week. *

guys, i feel SO pretty today. i will let you know monday night if i am still pretty. love you, bye. *

*~the first time i looked in your eyes since everything happened, the cold stare that met my eyes was that of a stranger. now i can’t look anymore. every time i pass you i have to look away; to try and hide the sadness in my eyes. i want to try again. to make an attempt to revive all that was lost between us. does any of this matter to you ? i have tried various times, and it has brought me nothing but sleepless nights and endless tears. every time you reject my advances, it kills me just a little more. but maybe that is what you are going for, because it would not matter to you, just make everything a little more convenient. it’s not right. How can you just throw out everything we had ? i forewarned you and apologized anyway ... i need you in my life. you said it wouldn’t change anything. so how come nothing’s the same ?~*

*~the realization hit me today … my life is truly beautiful. flowers on my nightstand reminding me that i am loved, and no, it does not always have to be about a boy. the sweet scent lingering in my room brings me comfort; comfort only a best friend can bring. it was a gracious and beautiful effort, and it rid me of the jealousy and anger than had afflicted me. the long wait brought sweet rewards and provoked thought. maybe everything was for the best. maybe i needed to experience what i did to realize that i should not be so quick to give away my heart and rush into relationships. give them time to blossom and grow, if you will, rather than forcing it. it was a lesson well taught and well learned and through the pain i experienced these past few days, i learned to better appreciate all that i have. now i have my enemies down to one. and tracy no longer hates me. so i am back to being great, and it is very excellent. love you guys. i do not know if that was poetry, prose, or just a mix ... but i gave it my best shot. i am out of touch, as i have not updated poetry in awhile. and yes, marc, the middle part is about my ice pops.~*

..:..Finally..:..
somebody i talk to online asked if i write stories, and i replied that i have never attempted to. seeing as how you have all read my poetry and realized it sucks, i will now post my first story, so you can realize it sucks. i would have just ignored his comment and posted another lame poem, but right now i do not know if i want the whole world reading what i am writing, as people read my journal even if i tell them not to. here goes.

*~As she ran her fingers over the scars, she remembered. Memories in pieces floated through her mind. The screaming, the tears, the frantic dialing of the telephone. After that, all was black, until the next day, when she had to face her family members and explain her actions to psychiatrist after psychiatrist. Several bottles of pills lay hidden and untouched in her bottom dresser drawer; pills she had saved to sell to classmates and refused to take. Alone in her room for the first time since that dark day almost one year ago, she cried. She hated the façade. Hated having to wear long sleeves to continue the perpetual lie. Hated making up reasons for her visit to the hospital that day and her weekly visits to her psychiatrists. Maybe one day..., she thought. Maybe one day they will all understand. Understand that she can not stand the pity and that is why she always keeps a smile on her lips. Maybe one day somebody will look at her eyes and realize that they do not sparkle the way they used to so long ago. Realize that they will never sparkle again. As she sat there, thoughts whirling in her head and tears streaming down her cheeks, with nobody to call and slowly becoming aware of the fact that nobody cared enough to call her once in awhile, she considered the possibility. The solution to end all the problems that had plagued her for so long. The option that had never really left her mind, though she had so frequently said that it had. With the path already paved for her, all it would take was a second, and she would never again have to smile. Not that she ever had any reason to ... her mind made up, she glanced around her room at pictures of friends that she had barely said five words to in the past week and the boyfriends who had never cared for her. With their encouraging eyes upon her, she took a blade to her wrist and traced over the lines. Rivers of blood caressed her skin like silk, comforting her and acting as a cataract to evoke the first real smile in over two years and the realization that she would finally be at peace.~*

*~sometimes all i can do is sit back, let the tears slide down my cheeks, and wonder why it is that i don’t seem to deserve anything beautiful. i was fine without you before i knew what i was missing … but you came and showed me your rays of splendor, then took the sparkle out of my eyes to add to them, leaving my eyes dull and me heart-broken. i thought i was strong, but every time somebody so much as looks as me i break down. i don’t want to talk about it because i hate the pity. but it just hurts. i feel so betrayed that i let my guard down wrongfully. i instilled faith in something that i shouldn’t have, and i gave away my heart to somebody who cared not for it. i know you are never coming back for me, so i will slowly begin rebuilding my heart for the next person that i will give it to, who will probably throw it away like you did. shard by shard, i will pick up my shattered heart and glue it together with the memories of times long gone. and every time a car pulls into my driveway, i will close my eyes and say a silent prayer that it is yours, coming to take me away to the paradise we used to dream of together.~*

*~you did it. you removed all doubt. are you happy now ? because i’m not. the only way you could possibly hurt me any more is by falling in love with my best friend … which, to be honest, would not surprise me, because everybody does. not that i’m blaming anybody. if i met a boy that beautiful, i would fall in love with him too. and you know what ? i did. but of course i got my heart broken. i am not beautiful enough to avoid that. it just completely blows me away that i could think i meant so much to you when really, i meant nothing at all. why me ? out of everybody … i do all i can to avoid hurting people, and in the end, it did me no good. so what’s the point in trying to make something work when all signs point to NO ? the best day of my life was completely ruined by the worst night of my life. 3-15-02, if i may quote The Starting Line. this is just such complete bullshit. and i hate cursing in my journal, because poetry is supposed to be powerful, and if you can’t be powerful without cursing, then you are a terrible writer. but you know what ? fuck this. i don’t deserve this. and i hold myself in such low regard that i take a lot of crap. but not this. this is the worst kind of pain. i don’t want it. just take it back. and you know what the worst part is ? that even though you hurt me so much, i did love you. i probably still do. but i can't think about that now. not when i can barely read what i am writing because my vision is blurred with tears. i did not get to say it earlier, so here. good bye.~*

*~love isn’t something that can be bought. and though everybody makes mistakes, no amount of money or gifts can win back the love and respect that went out the door when you did so long ago. right now i really needed that favor from you, but i will not ask it if it means that you will then expect things from me in return. no matter what you do or say, things will not be the same, ever. but just stop. stop with all the nonchalant comments that you want me to reply to with an “i love you” because it will never happen again. and yea, it would be great if you could do me this one little favor. but if it means giving up my pride along with it … forget it. for the caramel popcorn, yes. but not for you. never again.~*

*~excitement at seeing you soon overrides my doubts. have i finally found a solution to my most persistent problem ? with this solved, i no longer have obstacles blocking my path to true and utter happiness. would you like to take this walk with me ? i can not make it there without you … only you know the way, and i am begging you to lead me. caminaremos hasta que estemos casi muertos, pero no nos importara, porque estariamos juntos por siempre. tu me das la fuerza que necesito cada día, y con tí junto a mí, puedo hacer lo que sea. solo pienso en ti, y me tienes casi loca con amor. ya estoy que no sé nada más que tu nombre en mi mente, pero parece que eso es lo que me hace mas feliz, entonces pa qué me trato de quitarlo ? no necesito nada más que tu - todo lo otro es tratando de pasar el tiempo hasta que te pueda ver otra vez. y cada vez que te veo es major que la última, porque tu sabes lo que decirme para calmarme y mantenerme contenta hasta que te pueda ver en una semana. pero esperaré, sabiendo que lo que me espera es sufficiento esquisito que esperaria toda mi vida por el.~*

*~translation : we will walk until we are almost dead, but it will not matter, because we will be together always. you give me the strength i need each day, and with you near me, i can do anything. i only think about you, and you have me nearly crazy with love. i am at the point that i do not know anything more than your name on my mind, but it seems that that is what keeps my happy, so why should i try to change it ? i do not need anything more than you - everything else is an attempt to pass the time until i can see you again. and each time i see you is better than the last, because you know what to say to calm me and keep me content until i can see you again in a week. but i will wait, knowing that what waits for me is exquisite enough that i would wait my whole life for it.~*

Note : It is a lot better in Spanish. haha. but i guess that is just an excuse for my lamer than lame writing. bye. *

*~i can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be on your side of things. i seem to be so full of insecurities, questions, and flaws, that i can’t imagine having to deal with somebody like me. am i a burden to you ? is the load even worth carrying anymore ? you say all the right words and do all the right things, but even that’s not enough to calm my fears and hinder my tears … tears that may or may not be necessary. when you held me, looked me in the eyes, and told me i was wrong to doubt, nothing could have been better. but i need that so frequently and it is not fair to ask that of you. when you write, are you thinking of me ? or are all your songs for others you have loved before or others you love now ? compliments are so easy to come by that they do nothing to soothe my worries. are the constant compliments honest opinions ? i wish i could know for sure.~*