The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople.

:: 2002 24 November :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: brand new - last chance to lose your keys

The red, yellow, and green pepper never looked so radiant in the glare of the yellow lights, or so blurry from my reddened, tear-filled eyes. As I keep walking, I turn my face down and unravel my hair from the messy bun so it tumbles over my cheeks and covers my eyes, defending myself from the curious stars the father with his two young sons is shooting me. He turns the little shopping car so that his two (maybe two and a half) year old faces the milk, unconsciously, or maybe consciously, shielding him from the dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship he was witnessing. With a �Watch my purse� that�s harsher than any supermarket lighting, she retreats to the cucumbers (pick long, thin cukes with a healthy, dark green skin) as I hear a husband asking his wife if they need any tomatoes for the salad tomorrow. I don�t even like peppers, but I pick one up and go pay for it (taking the purse with me so it doesn�t get stolen) so I can have it in my room and remember this next time we�re on the up side of this recurring cycle. By the time I return, yellow defense mechanism clutched in one hand, black purse in the other, she�s looking for me, and I return the purse, from which she counts the money in her wallet. None is missing. None ever is. I don�t know why I keep convincing myself that it�s worth the arguments to keep a good relationship when we can never keep it long enough. When we reach the checkout lane, and she recounts to me, ever unresponding, how her appointment with the lawyer went, I know why. I know why we fight and I know why she half-swallows her pride and talks to me, choking on the mix of words and dignity. What I�ll never understand is the pleasure she derives from seeing me lend a helping hand only to step on it and watch the tears fall. Lately it seems that�s the only way to calm her, so that�s what it comes down to. Watching my wall of apathy crumble before her eyes to reveal that I�m about as strong as she is.

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2002 21 November :: 8.07pm

so yeah. the right decision? i don't know anymore...

i hate not being in control of my emotions... its so superficial.. as much as i try to hide my broken heart it seems to leak out in the most unlikely places... i'm just afraid of hurting more people...

i just want it to stop...

4 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2002 21 November :: 6.56pm

[Current Clothes] ummm my orange billabong hoodie yo! haha and ummm orange shorts
[ Current Mood] eh... but then again does that really surprise anyone?
[ Current Music]The Juliana Theory
[ Current Taste] pickles lol
[ Current Make-up ] ehhh very smudged blue eyeliner and uhh yeah.
[ Current Hair ] down & tangled
[ Current Annoyance ] boys. boys annoy me a lot.
[ Current Smell ] pickles.
[ Current Thing ] thing?
[ Current Desktop Picture ] i don't remember
[ Current Favorite Artists] ummm TJT, TBS, STD, soo many others
[ Current Favorite Group ] any of the above i'm very emo-y lately
[ Current Book you're reading] The Bell Jar
[ Current CD in CD Player] Saves The Day
[ Current DVD in player] A walk to remember
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] chipping metallic red :0P
[ Current Refreshment ] ginger ale
[ Current Worry ] fuck worrying.

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ] Matt[ You Talked to ] Alex K.
[ You Hugged ] Matt[ You Instant messaged ] Alex
[ You Yelled At ] Matt
[ You Kissed ] Matt

FAVORITE...
[ Food ] i'm a sucker 4 Latino food ;0P
[ Drink ] DrPepper or Cherry Coke
[ Color ] pink/orange/purple/red/yellow its all good :0P
[ Album ] Taking Back Sunday - Tell all your friends
[ Shoes ] my tie dyed orange converses!
[ Candy ] raisinets, twizzlers, gummi bears
[ Animal ] giraffe
[ TV Show ] tricky... i'm a sucker for Gilmore Girls lol
[ Movie ] I like a lot of movies...
[ Dance ] me, dance??? haha Skank it baby!
[ Song ] TJT - Don't push love away, pictures, stars, and dreams, Duane Joseph
TBS - Great Romances, You know how I do, Head club
STD - At your funeral, Nightingale, Through being cool
Dash - A plain morning
SP - Beautiful
[ Vegetable ] um.. i like carrots and potatoes
[ Fruit ] pears, apples.. its all good ohh oranges :0)[ Cartoon ] Sabrina the animated series[ Store ] no preferance really.
[ Kiss ]sweet ones but then passionate ones too
[ Hangout ] the beach & MY life guard tower :0P
[ Vacation ] Greece & Italy!!!! and Hawaii w/band

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ] I'd like to think I am but I know i'm not... Well I guess I pretend to be a lot
[ Open-minded ] Very[ Arrogant ] I think so
[ Insecure ] more then i'm willing to admit
[ Interesting ] lol probably not
[ Random ] all the time.
[ Hungry ] only when i have nothing to do.
[ Friendly ] lol i'd like to think so but i'm sure others think differently
[ Smart ] i'm the stupidest IB person i know :0)
[ Moody ] lol ask Matt & Shane.. They got a LOT of my many mood swings this past week ::sigh:: i'm working on it :0(
[ Childish ] definately... i'm 8 after all right? heh ( more like the size of an 8 yr old :0P)
[ Independent ] sometimes..
[ Hard working ] when i want to be
[ Organized ] lol wheres my homework again? :0P
[ Healthy ] i'm convinced i have a brain tumor.
[ Emotionally Stable ] i'm really beginning to think that i'm really really not.
[ Shy ] sometimes.. around new people.. ehh new cute boys lol i'm really loud & outgoing w/the people i know though[ Difficult ] probably more then anybody.. maybe not Matt lol
[ Attractive ] lol how bout a big NO!
[ Bored Easily ] with guys? lol j/k
[ Thirsty ] all the time
[ Responsible ] apparently not.
[ Obsessed ] getting over it.
[ Angry ] more then i'd like to be.
[ Sad ] all the time... I wish I could just be happy... its like a drug.. i can get a temporary high sometimes but for the most part i'm crying inside
[ Happy ] inbetween lapses of sadness & depressino and crap.
[ Hyper ] heh meee hyper??? NOOOOO :0P
[ Trusting ]i try to be but i always find myself disappointed in the end.
[ Talkative ] lol now try to get me to shut up :0)

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ]ehh... lets not go there.
[ Slap ] too many people... ignorant mostly
[ Get Real Wasted With] don't drink.
[ Get High With ] don't smoke
[ Look Like ] I don't know...
[ Talk To Offline ] ::sigh:: someone who I more then likely will never talk to ever again...
[ Talk To Online ] i think that would be the same person..
[ Date ] lol boys are tooo much trouble :0P Dating gets me in trouble... dykedom here i come!
[ Fuck ] o god.

... i hope that (you're) reading this... i hope (you) still care... hope.. is there a such thing?

:: 2002 20 November :: 11.05pm

So yeah. Decision was finally made... for real this time.

Matt and I are going to try at it again. Why not... after two years of waiting for me its the least i could do :0P heh j/k... seriously though... its funny how we started out freshman year... Jenn liked Matt soo I never really looked at him (cuz thats what bestfriends r 4 :0P) and I was sooo into Paul (Matt's bestfriend lol) well... Fresh year Matt & I were just all flirty but never really thought that he liked me like that... the sophomore year... we spent exactly a month not talking to eachother (i really can't remember why lol) and it was just kinda terrible for awhile but then things got better and he eventually came out w/it & told me how he'd liked me since freshman year and was just scared to tell me and shit. We went out for exactly 2 weeks then I dumped him (i'm not exactly sure why but i think it was because of committment and stuff like that) and yeah... after all my shit I guess he must really like me :0D

Tomorrow is a half day! That makes me mucho happy heh Matt, Paul, Stephy and I are guna go do stuff & proly come back to my house to watch movies and such.

As happy as Matt makes me and all I still feel terrible about how I made Shane and Chris feel. Chris really isn't talking to me much and Shane... hes really sucking it up and trying to be a good sport which I appreciate more then anything in the world.

This time next week I'll have my Kevy Wevy back!!!!!!!!

7 days!!!!!!!!

3 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2002 18 November :: 11.03pm
:: Music: Wagner - Elsa's Procession to the Cathedral

Which TiNkErBeLL are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

melo-drama! bleh & a half. Chris got really mad at me. Apparently he saw Shane and I kissing on Fri night after the game (why it would still matter to him i have NO idea but yeah.) he was NOT happy w/me at all today. All day people seemed 2 act weird around me & i really had no idea why.... apparently rumor has it that Shane & Sam? ( ehh.. trumpet Sam.. Sam Q.) People were like asking me if i was okay and such all day and i had NO clue what was going on. Ash told me on the way home. O well... I hung out w/Dom 4 a while. Besides him being a jerk it was fun. I started my bassoon sonata today w/my piano teacher. It's coming along very nicely soo thats good. Ohhh Ash & I put the top down on the way home & got lots of kisses and waves & his heh its fun just talking to random people on the road (cept 4 the creepy Wackenhut guy that was following us lol) So yeah. Ash is all for Shane so her, Alex, Shane & I can double date :0P I don't know... it does but doesn't bother me bout the whole Sam thing... Shane & I are in the process of talking about it soooo yeah. Matt got me a bday/xmas present & won't tell me what it is :0( I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!

I think i've listened 2 Elsa's literally 5 times in a row lol

Goodnight world <3

~*Catch a star for me tonight, make a wish, make things alright...*~

:: 2002 17 November :: 7.49pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: taking back sunday - your own disaster



one day

        i�ll pass you

in	the	hallway

and i�ll grab your hand and pull you

        into a deserted 

        room

close off the world

never taking my eyes off of yours

and l�ll defy you :

	one day

that you haven�t remembered 

 	[ strawberry  �  cherry ] 

    laying entwined 

on [our mutual inhibitions letting us free]

    the bedraggled couch worn away

.	.	.	.	.	.



and then what ?

what will i say when you 



d

e

n

y

m

e



and my illusions fall away from me ?



you�ll walk out and leave me alone

  with everything said 

        [nothing accomplished]

  except those words i can�t say

because i mean them too much

2 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2002 17 November :: 4.04am

4:02 am. Matt just left...

geez. i hope i know what i'm doing :0/

tonight was fun.. went 2 c Harry Potter w/Jess & Dom. Then 2 Dennys w/Dom & Chris = mucho fun.

around 2:00am Matt convinced me 2 let him come over. It was nice.. we just laid (sp?) there in eachothers arms for a long time and talked... and well yeah. He still wants me to go out with Shane... muy confundido :0(

bleh.

2 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2002 15 November :: 11.39pm

:: 2002 15 November :: 11.30pm

ATL vs. Cooper City = 27-7!! soo yeah we're 11-0 and advancing on to the quarter finals!

So yeah. My love life is soooo freaking confusing :0( As of now its teh Shane vs. Matt question... Shane told me to go out w/Matt and Matt told me to go out with Shane.. bleh lol ummmmm. I don't know and it drives me NUTS! School was decent. Afterwards I went w/Matt 2 his house 2 pick up his stuff and we got a chance to talk... amazing i think considering most of the time we're yelling at eachother but yeah. He told me that he didn't really mean what he said in the email he sent me but that he wanted me to go out with Shane cuz after we'd break up then it wouldn't be an issue anymore. I'm not sure if i agree with that but ehh i duno... We then went 2 Drewish's house for Frugby. It was mucho funness & Ben G. got me a SAVES THE DAY shirt!!! I love it sooooo much. thank you Ben <3 Yeah. I missed STD last night :0( that really fucking blew... ummm Shane thought i was mad at him but i wasn't. After the game I told him that we were going back to Boca and he gave me the cutest but saddest look in the world :0/ After a kiss or two or three.. lol we were off! Us bums.. (me, Stephy & Jenn) ended up at Checkers on Atlantic Ave. where we bumped into AJ & Brock & supposedly Vanessa went through the drive thru but we didnt' see her. We talked bout guys and shit & Stephy made it known that she wants Paul lol then again Paul = total sexiness sooo who WOULDN'T want him heh

A wonderful day indeed <3

4 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2002 15 November :: 10.32am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mr. bjorkland - mantenga su cabeza firme.

noth
i
ngness
and as she wa
i
ts, she paces, her m
i
nd wanders. she knows
he won't return, yet she rema
i
ns, her outward appearance one of conf
i
dence wh
i
le she falters
i
ns
i
de, her lungs, trembl
i
ng, her organs t
i
ght unt
i
l she collapses and
nobody knows why but
maybe they should have
looked at her eyes
i
nstead of her body.

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2002 15 November :: 10.27am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mr. bjorkland - mantenga su cabeza firme.

i drink in your liquid insults (.01.02.03.04) one by one, taking them in fast (.09.10.11.12) so they won't burn as much. day by day, i come closer (.14.15.16) and closer (.17.18.19) to the degrading grave you're digging me. and as i sink deeper, i remember how you said that one (.20) little (.21) shot (.22) wouldn't hurt, but i'm way past one (.23.24.25), and i collapse(.26.27.28), smelling of concealer and visine so nobody notices (.29) my eyes are red and dull in this drowning death (.30) you've finally driven me to.

:: 2002 14 November :: 11.23pm

Today was excellent!

1st period was sooo fun... I spent the whole time drawing pictures on Sara B's leg... I drew an AMAZING pic of Keith on her left leg w/ Keith = Sexy next to it heh

3rd period I stole Drew's(ehh. Rosensweig not Drewish) Spiderman Sweater and swapped it with my Orange Billabong one. It was funny... my sweater is a small so it came really short on him.. he looked pretty damn sexy though :0P Band was okay.. I counted the 5/8 & 3/4 sections for Ms.Stoneman due to lack of better things heh

Lunch - Saw Shane, he looked REALLY good in his sweater & the EMO glasses lol Matt and Paul were skipping and invited me to leave with them to which i resisted... for a while anyways lol Ummmmmm... o yeah.. the drummers were all fucking around and Tucker stuck Shane in the face & he was bleeding and shit.. it was NOT pretty :0(

I ended up giving in (I know.. its SOOO bad!) Paul and I got into Matt's trunk (i'm an amazing contortionist haha) and Matt had a pink pass to leave school. Paul and I were really nervous bout leaving and the consequences if we were to get caught... It was soo scary when Matt was at the gate talking 2 Ben (the gate guard)... We heard voices and something bout Bellan (AP!) I got soo scared.. i started tearing up & Paul was just like "oh shit" I think I coulda died when Matt opened the trunk.. I swear I heard Ben or Bellan say something bout opening Matt's trunk... bleh but we got away... We ended up at Ben Garb's house for 3hrs watching billion episodes of a Makeover Story and Jenny Jones & Marching Festival tapes. That was fun cept Ben's devil 28lbs cat clawed me to death :0( Ehh we then dropped off Paul and I went back to Matts where I stayed for dinner.

After Matt's me, mommy & Vinh went 2 Town Center where Vinh got me an early X-mas present!heh I now own the pimpest orange tie-died converses! YES!!!!

An excellent mood most definately <3

:: 2002 14 November :: 6.39am

the beginning of a new day.

past = let go.

future = here i come

:0)
.. my first smile in about a week <3

2 lovers | i love susan.