perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2004 23 August :: 1.19am
:: Mood: indifferent...

Bad Karma...
That's what it is, isn't it...karma, what goes around, comes around...only it was kind of in a different form this time...but still, I guess this is truly what I deserve, for doing what I did to you...I just wish I could go back and change what I did, make things right, how they should have been, how things would have brought happiness to us...but, I screwed up, and that's what I'll have to deal with...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 21 August :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: confused...sad...
:: Music: Coming Down

Well, yesterday was kinda fun, even though it was pretty much a bust...everything I had planned didn't work itself out...well, except for the breakfast, that is...that was fun...got picked up by Carmen and went to the lab at 2-ish...helped out in the lab, got her driver's license, and a couple books (including my college book)...by the time we got done, it was too late to go to Ann Arbor, so we went up to Toledo...I didn't really shop for anything, but Carmen got her pants for working crew, and jeans on sale...had a fun time with that...came home, sat around bored at DQ for a bit, and then went home...went to sleep...

This morning, I stopped by Carmen's for a bit before work, and then went to work...which was rather eventful, considering the alarms went off...some girl pulled an alarm accidentally...after work, went home to help with the water heater, and then over to Carmen's...helped her clean her car out, and got some ice cream...when I got home, I went to Tireman to get my tires rotated, then walked to Smoovies to visit Jax...ran back to get my car, and here I am now, a few hours later, chores done, and leaving for Coomes'...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 20 August :: 1.25pm
:: Mood: hmph

Well, the freshman breakfast was alright...I think most of them had a good time...they did more than we got to do my freshman year...whch was good...had a good, crazy time with Jackie in the car, driving around for about an hour, on little sleep...hilarity ensued...which was good, something I needed...I'm going to go up to Ann Arbor today with Carmen, and it should be a good time...unless me being cranky and tired gets in the way...hmm...I guess that is what one gets for getting very little sleep...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 20 August :: 3.57am

Well, I'm up, awake, and leaving...it should be a good time...I'm waking up kids with Jackie, and we're taking my mother's Rondezvous...unfortunately, Mr. Headley has placed so many lmitations on us this year that we can't really have fun waking them up...the breakfast has food lined up, better than my Freshman year, I can tell you that...anywho, after this breakfast, Carmen and I are going to go up to Ann Arbor, and do some shopping or whatever up there...I'm looking forward to it...I also feel that things are going better between us now...but now, I must get going...

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 19 August :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: ...

If it's not one thing, it's another...
If I'm not freaking out about you smoking tobacco, I'm freaking out about you drinking...if I'm not freaking out about you smoking weed, I'm freaking out about you staying out late...I'm not freaking out about the doubts I'm having, I'm freaking out about losing you when you leave...

It's just one things after another with me...and I'm sorry...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 17 August :: 3.16am

Over and over and over do I shoot myself in the foot...I shouldn't be allowed think...or feel...or react to anything negatively...I shouldn't be allowed to be human...becasue humans aren't this negative...

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 17 August :: 2.48am
:: Mood: angry at myself...depressed...without hope...
:: Music: Meat Puppets

Just FUCKING Great
It is a vicious fucking circle, and all the fuck that I can do is make it astro-fucking-nomically worse...it is all of my fault too, I don't have to speak what is on my mind, I don't have to feel what I feel...I've tried, and I've tried to stray from this, but I cannot...I try so hard, but all is for naught, obviously...all this shit with the other people in my life just builds up, and so it snaps when I get something to happen to me...

This is one hell of a way to help you out when you need it, isn't it? I'm so sorry...I'm being one hell of a friend...

It's one hell of a vicious circle, and all I do is make it worse...

Quote of the day:
"Waking up from my slumber
To misunderstand another
Though they call it terra firma
It dissolves beneath my feet
Looking through a pile of garbage
For some worthless piece of paper
That's been hidden there for me
To give meaning to my day"

2 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 16 August :: 1.06am
:: Mood: hmph
:: Music: Rick Wakeman-Journey to the Centre of the Earth (I wish I could find my Suzanne Vega)

Yesterday was fun...hung out with Josh and Justin...played some SSB:M with Josh, and Worms 3D with Justin...Megan invited me over for cake, but I had already made plans with Justin, although it's nice to see someone still wants my company on that side of the spectrum...

Today, we (McKinney's, Jacoby's, and my parents and I) had a meeting to discuss our upcoming massive block party/rave for our graduations...we accomplished some, but probably not as much as our parents' wanted...hmm, tough for the, I guess, having James and I in the same room...after the meeting, I went over to Carmen's and we watched a bit of Invader Zim...she conked out after about an hour, and I let her sleep until 5...I fiddled on the computer for awhile, while she slept, and when she awoke, we went to get dinner at the Bamboo Garden...well, before that, we visited Doug on his break...he was playing FFT:A, which as I know very well, is very addiciting...so it isn't any surprise that he was playing it...visiting Doug made wonder how many visits I'm going to be getting in these upcoming days...the only person who has visited me recently has tennis, and the other sleeps in {no offense in intended} and helps her mom out at work... also, the animals are gone, so there goes her excuse for coming {excuse for Mrs. East, that is})...after visiting Doug, we went home and ate, and then watched some TV and screwed around on the computer...later, we went to get a smoothie, talked to Jax for awhile, and drove around after seeing that they needed to close...took Carmen home after that...

I really want to help...I don't like seeing you this way...I know you're unhappy, but I wan't to make you happy...I try hard, maybe too hard, and if that's so, then I'm sorry...and I'm sorry when I get angry...I can't seem to help it...it is a million things that are causing me to act this way...it is caused by the realization that what I'm doing isn't doing anything but making you more upset, doubts, insecurities, etc...but I am here, and I will not give up, ever...you once told me that I make things not suck when Chris was busy, and well, that is what I intend to do...

Quote of the day:
"Burial ground of ancient man, his life no more is seen,
A journey through his time unknown, I wonder where he's been"

2 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 15 August :: 2.03am

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

But come you back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'tis I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

1 heartless bastard | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 14 August :: 10.06pm

Sometimes i get mad at people for good reasons, sometimes i get mad at people for the wrong reasons, sometimes i just get mad for no reason.

I am glad that God intervenes when I get mad for whatever reason.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 14 August :: 8.39pm

I wonder what quality of mine it is that allows everybody to feel they can walk all over me...I'm pretty sure that I do not deserve it, you know, the whole eye for an eye thing...I don't think I walk over other people, or take advantage of them, or treat them horribly...maybe it is just how I am to be, the whipping boy for everybody...and since I'm so forgiving, it doesn't really matter, does it?

5 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 13 August :: 1.08pm

Hmm...well, I am car-less right now...had to take it up to Saturn due to the fact that the power keeps cutting out on me...other than that, my life has been pretty boring...I've been trying to teach Loudan the tuba...he is making some progress...it is a challenge, however, because I'm not to sure how to go about teaching this instrument...

speaking of instruments, I should call Michael, about many things, bassoon lessons for the most part...

I've been in a bad mood recently...I'm not sure exactly what it is that is causing it, although it may be my extreme lack of sleep...or me being fed up with my life...something like that, I guess...

I actually did something productive yesterday, I got my parking pass and student I.D. taken care of...so,yeah...nobody can say I don't do anything...

I'm lazy...too lazy to find a quote, and tell you guys information you want to know, or care about...

3 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 12 August :: 3.43pm

*sigh*
I hate my life...

2 heartless bastards | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 11 August :: 10.45pm

There are moments in our lives that do not follow rules, do not follow guidelines, and more often than not break what little restrictions are set. Why does breaking boundaries come with such consequence? Why does living become such a daily struggle with ones self? Why do we run away from problems when the problem will simply catch us in the end?

I long to run.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 11 August :: 4.24am
:: Mood: not good
:: Music: Dragonforce

*Yawn*
Longest day ever...and apparently it isn't over yet...I worked today from 9:30 until 8:30...I got home, was rather cranky and tired, so I just kinda bummed around...played a lot of ToS, and watched the Big Lebowski, which is hilarious...unfortunately, the gods were against us, and I couldn't talk with Carmen tonight...not much we could do about it...

I went to bed around 2:00, fell asleep for about fifteen minutes, until Ishmael tried to escape, and woke me up...he started to bite me, and then I realized that he was lacking food and water (which would be why he though my hand was food, and why he so desperately wanted to escape)...

A new year is coming up...I keep talking about it, maybe it is exciting me to how much new there will be in my life...last year brought so much new into my life; new friends, new experiences, new views, new interests...so hopefully more new to come...

seeing as it is quarter of 5, and I have band 9-4 tomorrow, I should get some rest...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 10 August :: 11.56pm

Wow, so school will be starting soon. And...and....that is all there is to say.

Because if i say anything else it will not be pretty.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 9 August :: 11.15pm
:: Music: Dragonforce

Here it is again folks, the list of what Doug needs to buy (if he had the money, and could get off uilt free):

Books:
Time Travellers wife
Abhorsen Trilogy
His Dark Materials trilogy
Everything by Neil Gaimen
Catcher in the Rye
Ernest Hemingway collection

Games:
Boktai (GBA)
Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (GCN)
Either of the new Pokemon games (GBA)
Shining Force: Dark Dragon Rising (GBA)
Megaman Collection (GCN)

CDs (oh boy):
Blut Aus Nord: The Work Which Transforms God
In Flames: Lunar Strain (The)
Falconer: Enter a Glade Forlorn
Samael: Passage, Blood Ritual, and Worship Him
Cryptopsy: None So Vile, Blasphemy Made Flesh
Death: Human (but all eventually)
Anaal Nathrak: The Codex Necro, "When Fire Rains Down From the Sky, Mankind Will Reap as it Has Sown" (two titles)
Tiamat: Wildhoney
Edge of Sanity: Crimson 2
Ayreon: Enter the Magic Castle

Non-metal:
Led Zeppelin: #2, In Through the Out Door, Presence
Genesis: The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, Selling England for a Pound
(so many more)

Movies:
LOTR: Return of the King (Extended)
Evil Dead Trilogy
Indiana Jones Trilogy
Sealab 2021 DVD
Space Ghost DVD
ATHF DVD
Rest of Excel Saga
Rest of Yokaze No Yojimbo
(more, but too lazy)

2 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 9 August :: 1.05am
:: Mood: weird...lonely...

ROLLOUT!
Well...it is a new week...school is coming up, and so is band camp...I'm going to be a squad leader...gonna corrupt freshmen (just kidding)...it should be a lot of un though...it is my last year, so I really need to start going after colleges and stuff, but I sure do need to take my time in my senior year...make new friends, strengthen old ones, and just have a blast...last years seniors are going to be gone, which, for the most part, doesn't bother me one bit...however, there are the special few who I will miss...Carmen, Doug, Esther, just to name a few...sure is going to be different...but now it is my turn to befriend a younger person, and help them through their life (just as Carmen did with me, be it unintentional, or intentional...) I'm going to need to find something to do before band every Friday...no more Carmen and Doug to go get dinner with, or have fun adventures with in Dollar General, and the Demon Panda Love-Child...no more Rollouts...

Once band camp starts up, it is going to be really hectic for me...I'm going to have to work at 9, until noon, and then go to band from 1 until 4, and then again at 7...my psych class will start up the 23rd, which will give me even more stress, but it should be a blast none the less...I'm looking forward to it, especially because I'll be a senior tuba this year...with many devious plans in mind...and I have Joe along to help me carry them out...mwuhahahahaha...

My life has been rather stressful lately...I've really been worrying about my friendships with Carmen and Amanda...luckily, my mom and I are on good terms once again, so no worries there...and it looks like the good times will be with Carmen and I now...however, I'm not too sure with Amanda...today is the first day that we've hung out since...well...a long time...we went to Friendly's, and then I took her home...she was in a bad mood (not my fault, this time) and so I can't really count today in the whole attitude-finding-out-of...yeah...

Been hanging out with Josh recently, which is great fun...I can't believe that I haven't been hanging out with him...but I will hang out with him some more, which is good...

Actually talked to Emily the other day online...she was gonna call me Tuesday night while she was at the fair, but she didn't get a chance to or didn't go, I can't remember...I'm not sure what I was looking for when I talked to her online...

I can't really hang around with Lauren, because it makes Eric feel a bit insecure...so I'll keep away from Lauren, and let her come talk to me if anything...

and for more randomness, I hope that I will be selected to be in All-State band...I know I'll make District Honor's band, so that will be cool...need to have stuff to tell the audition people...when I do audition, that is...

Tonight, I went to see Miami's presentation at the Holiday Inn in Perrysburg...it was boring, I didn't pay attention...the only thing that made it worth my while (not really, though) was when I asked the one student about the music program (the one who went through it), and learnded that it wasn't bad at all, and it may now be one of my choices...yeah...

I bought Tales of Symphonia on Friday, and have ben playing it pretty much non-stop since then...it is such a great game...I like Tales of Phantasia better, though...it was, well, more likable, for some reason...but ToS is still a ver great game...it has even taken me away from GunBound! *gasp*!

Currently, I am listening to Carmen talk about the Blind Date episode she is watching...too bad I can't be there with her...I'd love to be...I miss her, but at least I can talk to her...

Tomorrow, I have a dentist appointment...blech...

Quote of the day:
"Rollout!"

4 heartless bastards | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 6 August :: 9.29pm

i'm 18, but it doesn't feel like it. Maybe it will take awhile for it kick in.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 5 August :: 12.04am
:: Mood: depressed...
:: Music: Edge of Sanity-Crimson

Carmen is slipping away from me...I hate it, and it is my fault...I've been trying to reinstate the bond that was between us, but with everything else in my life falling away, how am I supposed to? I can't help but feeling that every day I manage to push Carmen even further away...at one point in time, we had no trouble finding what to do together...now it seems like a chore, a burden, and it just incurs arguements...

I really don't know what to do or to think anymore...I really need to find out how to cheer Carmen up, because I'm worried about her...it seems often that she is irritable only with me, though, even though I'm trying to help...maybe I should just give up, stop trying to make her happy, stop trying to get things back to the way they were...accept the fact that this is how it is, and give up, which is something I do not want to do...I don't want to throw the towel in...

I have no clue how things are between me and Amanda...whenever I bring up the subject, we somehow get turned around in it, and we're talking about something completely different...our friendship is no longer as concrete as it used to be...I don't have it to rely on anymore...I haven't even spent time with her since before I left for Wooster...

Things aren't good between my mother and I...she just waits until she can't take it anymore, and goes off on me without forwarning...my dad has to come warn me when things are upsetting my mother, so I can come try to work on it...it hasn't been working at all...

1 heartless bastard | crush me