::
2004 24 June :: 7.32 pm
:: Music: bong song
im going on a diet
plan 1-
wake up water - have an 8-12 oz glass of water squeezed with a lemon
am work out -
20 minutes of moderate intensity cardio b4 breakfast
2. have breakfast within 1 hour of finishing your workout
option 1 - 4 0z of a meat
one serving of fruit
4 oz skim or soy milk
1 table spoon of fat 1 (you choose a fatty food)
option 2 - 4 oz meat
one serving of grain
one serving of fruit
one serving of fat1
presnack water -
one 8 oz glass of water w/ lime or lemon
am snack -
eat am snack 1-2 hours after breakfast
approx. 75 calories
one serving of fruit
pre lunch -
1 glass of water with lemon
eat lunch 1-2 hours after am snack approx. 270 calories
salad
- 1 cup salad
w/ 1/4 salad dressing 1 n 1 tbl balsamic vinaigerette
post lunch water-
1 8 oz glass any time after lunch
pm work out-
high intensity 30 minute work out... cardio
presnack water -
1 8oz glass of lemon water
pm snack -
eat pm snack 1-3 hours after lunch
230 calories
(130 cal. whole grain cereal with 8 oz soy/skim milk
or plain yogurt
or 1 grain + 1 fruit
or 3 cups air popped corn+1 cup skim milk)
pre dinner water-
1 8 oz glass of lemon water
dinner
eat dinner 1-2 hours after your pm snack
approx 280 calories
4 oz meat
2 cups leafy green veggie
2 oz mustard
1 fruit
means imma have to cut down on teh marijuana... no munchies
(Eminem)
This thing right here, its letting all the people knowm
What burnouts talk about. You know, The Chronic...
(Verse 1)
Oo that buds look scandolous,
You hit it too hard you can't handle this,
So you smokin' that thing when you pass it to us,
With a look in your eyes so devious,
You inhale with all you got, suck it down hard til' your seeing dots,
And your body's on the ground but your mind is not,
Cause your livin' la vida smoke-ah
(chorus 1)
Now your high as a kite (kite, kite)
Been tokin' all night (night, night)
All night long (all night long)
Let me hit that bong, baby,
That bong bo-bong bong bong
I like to roll a blunt oo,
And smoke it in a pipe too,
but best of all,
is that bong bo-bong bong bong
(verse 2)
You know you love that Canabis,
So pull up a chair and come smoke with us,
They call me Crisqo I can bake so much,
I like to hot box the two of us,
Pu-puff kids, til' its 4/20,
This stuff ain't cheap, I need more money,
Buy when I buy that green I got the best they got,
Cause I'm livin' la vida smoke-ah
(Chorus 2)
Now I'm high as kite (kite, kite)
I been tokin' all night (night, night)
All night long (all night long)
Let me hit that bong, baby,
That bong bo-bong bong bong,
I like to roll a blunt oo,
And smoke it in a pipe too,
but best of all,
is that bong bo-bong bong bong.
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 24 June :: 6.20 pm
yay im finally free from that fagget thing calls grounding.. humm YES well i went out with meggy lizzy and kelsey and walked around n went to the train tracks and did stuff then got soo scared cuz we heard a train coming ran and my sandle fell off and i stepped right into this GROSS mud :( well i was sooo scared and my heart was racing and my hands were shaking lol im such a pussy...
well i think im going to sarahs tomorrow :) yayy i love her and i havent seen her in sooo long shes getting her puppy omg im like not gonna put it down lol
i am very tired and its only 6:27 humm what to do tonight.. call me if you wanna hang out
651 3618
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 23 June :: 5.12 pm
The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back
I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance
I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 22 June :: 11.54 am
i think to be in love it is to feel the best feeling in the world to knwo that someone is always watchign over your shoulder making sure your alright its the balance of security and happiness..love is about taking risks.. its about being willing to lose everything you had for one night of bliss.. for one night where emotions took ccontrol and you could never back down... i think that love is like a roller coaster.. you have to be able to deal with the slight bumps you face along the way in your teenage years with little petty relationships because it is getting you ready for the giant drop off when your older.. its like spinning and spinning and spinning helplessly in a feild of flowers and falling back without having to question that someone is there to catch you. someone more inthralled with making you happy...and you them..someone you think about all day...and all night... i think that love is something that we take all too lightly these days... and men and women toss it around stupidly thinking that love is anywhere related to sex.... love and sex have nothing in common and we have begun to associate love with sex far too often... and people get their hearts broken.. there is a difference between horemones and emotions.. u just have to look beyond what you want into what you really need...i think that love is something you cant search for.. if your searching youll never find it.. love comes as a surprise from where you least expect it to...i think that love does come to those who wait because there are a series of events going on this second on this day in this month planning out how you will meet.. there are reason why we shose certain paths in life.. why we meet certain ppl.. how the web of our life is strung so jaggedly because our life is built up of choices we have made and ppl we have met and through those people we meet new ppl and someday...you meet the right one.. and u shouldnt say oh hes teh right one automatically.. i think u have trials..we learn from our mistakes and never truly understand a person worth until weve lost them...
love is not like a rose as they say love does not wilt and die with time.. fore if your "love" wilts and dies it was never truly love at all... merely infatuation...infatuation and wanting cause us so much greif and extra trials...you must be able to understand the difference between a want and a need and infatuation and love wnating somone by your side is for safety or just for the sake of not being a lone but if you need someone... you cant be away from them and constantly seek their presence... i dont know where im going with this im just rambling on and on... but this is what i feel just thought youd like to hear...
to your question of why people are afraid of love...well i think its because love is so perminent..or so we make it out to be.. and love finds you in the most unlikely of places at the most unlikely of times...
when your willing to risk everything you have for someone...take the chance and dont let them get away...
- manda
you cannot try to keep love...you cannot try to cage it like wild bird unable to be atmed.. if you catch the wild bird and cage it.. it will not sing for you.. it will not be happy.. your love cannot put restrictions on the other person.. you cannot take a lion out of teh savannah and the miles and miles of free range beauty and put them in a cage... you cannot suffocate your lover..smothering their independance.. if you love someone allow them their space.. if it love you need not try... you need not hold them closer because they should already want to stay near you...leave some bird seed in the the window...and it will come back time to time singing the glorious song of nature...and happiness.. it will come back willingly and thats when you know its true.. because you havent chosen them theyve chosen you despite their freedom despite however many people their are...if youve let them go.. and they still come back you its real.. at least thats what i believe
5 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 22 June :: 11.25 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: dip it low - christina milian
death is but a question postponing time...
ok so heres something weird
when meggy and i were a weeeee bit messed up on thursday we had this really deep conversation about how everyone was gonna die and it kinda freaked us out and i wanted to write it down just so id know what i said years from now to see if it really comes true.. soo here goes
me - i think im gonna die from either getting strangeled or getting my throat slit
meg - i think megs gonna have a bad trip on either like shrooms or acid or something and is gonna kill herself
kelsey - i think she is gonna get hit by a car
Lizzy - i think lizzy is gonna be walking in a DARK alley and someone is gonna jump out and shes gonna faint/pass out and theyre gonna rape her and then kill her and throw her in the river..
ryan fogarty - i think that hes gonna die of a drug overdose
joe cice - i think joes gonna get shot crossing the border with weed and other ilegal narcotics lol
i said more.. but now i forget soooo ill update accordingly
soo in other news... i got my eyes checked saturday and i got green contacts and regular ones they should be coming wed. i think i cant wait!!
haha i hadnt been to the eye doctors in 4 YEARS my perscriptin went from -350 to -425
my eyes got sooo baddddddddddd
humm.. im off to go make some ramen and be lazy... fuck being grounded
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 21 June :: 9.08 pm
unveil me and take me into a land of mystery
hold me and show me a land where we can be
i fall into your grasps
and theres no turning back
this is teh way it has to be
i just want for us to be
something in the dreams i see
pray on all teh stars above
that you could be my only love
id give all just to be
in love so perfectly
ill get down on my bended knee
to show you i care...
from teh first kiss i felt from your smooth lips
to the glance when you looked in my heart
when i felt so safe with you
eveyrthing was finally true
i just want for us to be
something in the dreams i see
pray on all teh stars above
that you could be my only love
id give all just to be
in love so perfectly
ill get down on my bended knee
to show you i care...
in teh darkest depths of my heart
you can see into every part
know when i am feeling blue
know that im in love with you
no matter what i say or do
just know that i love you
and teh kisses that flow from my lips
carressing your fingertips
i just want for us to be
something in the dreams i see
pray on all teh stars above
that you could be my only love
id give all just to be
in love so perfectly
ill get down on my bended knee
to show you i care...
-me
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 21 June :: 11.03 am
Vanished 1 2 2 0: dude i went to the hospital saturday night
Qteekate 88: r u serious
Qteekate 88: y
Vanished 1 2 2 0: my ear was all swollen like 3 times teh size it should have been and i had these splotchy red bumps all over me that itched insanely they were on my neck, chin, ear, cheek, legs, arm and my hands
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and i went to the hospital at like 1:30 am
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and they said that i had anb allergic reaction to something
Qteekate 88: omg thats scary
Qteekate 88: is it all better now
Vanished 1 2 2 0: no i have to take pills for 2 weeks
Vanished 1 2 2 0: the doctor was like "this looks liek its going to get worse before it gets better.. you have 2 options to take a steroid shot or take pills"
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and i was like umm pills! i HATE shots
Vanished 1 2 2 0: so i have to take 6 steroid pills a day... to keep the swelling and imflamation down
Qteekate 88: wow
Qteekate 88: thats scary
Qteekate 88: what do u think it was from?
Vanished 1 2 2 0: i think i got a spider bite
Vanished 1 2 2 0: on my ear
Vanished 1 2 2 0: cuz teh swelling is starting to come down and i see a bump where i could have been bitten and i was outside in teh woods on friday..
Vanished 1 2 2 0: i mean thursday*
Qteekate 88: eww
Qteekate 88: thats so grosss
Qteekate 88: wat if it was tick
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and when i was little i got a spider bite and my whole arm swelled up and i went to teh doctors and they thought it was lime disease cuz my arm swelled up soo bad
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 20 June :: 11.17 pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: perfect - the smashing pumpkins
i love this song
I know we’re just like old friends
We just can’t pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can’t help but feel that something has been lost
But please you know you’re just like me
Next time I promise we’ll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind
So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...
Angel, you know it’s not the end
We’ll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on
So please, you always were so free
You’ll see, I promise we’ll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we meet
Perfect
You know this has to be
We always we’re so free
We promised that we’d be
Perfect
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 19 June :: 2.58 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: if it were up to me - rooney
x if it were up to me.. he would be mine x
dear amanda:
i just wanted to tell you how very beautiful and incredibly mature you looked when i saw you last week. Even though your writing had expressed a real maturity, and a pronounced verbal growth, it was not until I actually saw you that the dramatic change became so apparent.
You were taller, your hair was longer, but beyond height and normal physical growth, your eyes bestowed an air of young adulthood that was not present before. I also believe that a lot of growth has been attributed to this past year, and alot of the sadness and loss that you have suffered. I know that I told you how very sorry I was to have hurt you so and that not coming forward was the gravest of errors on my part, but I also hope that you remember how much I told youthat I loved you. How proud I am of your courage during academic trials. How much you have learned and your growing desire to give. Your commitment to friends and those around you. And your courage to work out problems that you are facing. Going back to your friends when they have betrayed you. Returning to the classroom where a low grade may have thwarted you. Taking a new route when teh old path or idea is no longer useful. Just your dedication to return to woodtrail and help young minds to enjoy their summer is a reflection of all that you give; and all that you love.
I know that your very own personality is at work hre; your own heart. But I can't help believe that I may. perhaps, have helped to instill in you a love of animals and children, and to have nourished your heart, long before I broke it.
I know that you will have good times and bad all along in your growing up years; as we all have. But I believe that you now possess the courage and the fortitude to make it back. To pick up your feet and walk the remaining steps up teh stairs of life.
I think that you are an incredible writer and that is why I have asked your teacher to consider letting you remain in Honors English next year. I know that Dad will meet with her. If not, next year you can maintain an A- grade for the first term and then be moved automatically back to the Honors.
So I hope that your finals went well and that you are thinking about the summer and rest to come. Remember, I would love to have you fly here and stay for a few weeks, with or without a friend. My heart and my door are always open.
I will always love you...
<3 Mom
-------------------
her letters never fail to make me cry..
6 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 18 June :: 7.20 pm
i live my life in a blur, like a picture that you take too soon. im going to fast... caught up in the blinding flash.
the pictures always lie. the smile on my face is fake, a mask upon paper. written like a spell to fool all the truth.
i am unhappy and lonely.
they dont understand. they dont see. mayb they dont wish to. mayb i dont matter.
i want them to be happy. i dont care if im happy.
i want to look in the mirror and to have hallow eyes stare past me. i want my tears to run down my cheek and evaporate into great nothing, much like my self worth.
people brush past me in this endless crowd. a sea of nameless people. lives crossing paths for mayb only this moment, but then they are forgotten, lost in their own lives.
more important than anothers.
am i not important?
i stare at you, hoping i will see a glimps into your soul. get a hint at what your mind speaks that your mouth holds back.
i get nothing.
why?
let me kno whta you are thinking. i beg of you.
--jus4fun06
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 16 June :: 10.22 pm
i dont care about me if you dont care about me and i cant care about you when you gone on your won i cant look into your eyes when your looking away and i cant love you again.. i wont stop begging you to stay i wont care about me and you dotn care abotu me i will leave this place without somebody who cares i wont be anything if theres no1 to be something for and i wont love anyone.. your teh only one i love for...
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 14 June :: 7.52 pm
i close my eyes and i think of all the things that you mean to me, all of the things you say to me all of the emotions you shoot into my body when you hold me.. when you kiss me when you send your toxic venom into my paper thin veins. into my open heart. we splash together in this murky pond. mist raising off of chilled water. translusant beads reflecting on your skin, i touch you and i am cast into stillness. a painting of beauty and emotions. projecting lillies of whites and pinks atop lilly pands. a warm sun peeking over the horizon slowly drinting below the surface castig a dark shadow over the earth. the vacant body of all that is natural all that is pure all that is being destructed like the lining of this paper heart you so brutally beat every night. i could stare into your eyes forever looking blankly at the glowing blue shade that looks so warm to me, so deep so unable to describe. and they melt into me, oozing into every inch of me and consuming me totally. i could tell you i dont need you while i kiss your lips while my life lines run to you, like telephone wires stretched along vast feilds barrem and unpioneered. i look into your soul like uncharted maps, like unread pages of a dusty book, like a hidden treasure which so eagarly catches my attention. your venom begins wearing off now, and i see what you are.. what you say is no longer poetry and prose, regular english pours into my deaf ears, and although no longer intoxicated i linger off into a realm of undiscovered beauty once again. and i see you... and i see your soul...i could tell you all i could ever write, but you still would never know.. this language cannot express all that i feel.. never will i fear for unlived life... fore' i have lived because i love infinitely
my mind flickers back and forth like a broken television projecting pictures of unrealiztic perfections i see the world through blacks and whites a version so unkept and untrue.. you see me everywhere your like a fly upon amy wall 50 seconds into my reality. spinning helplessly around me i can see you falling down but all i can do is hope for the best
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 13 June :: 9.59 pm
Why is it everything's all loneliness with me? I guess sometimes I try
to hard, and sometimes you cause it, but it always carries on and on. "What
did you ever become?" you asked. I said, "I was told to be smiles and bright
eyed happiness, but sometimes I can't find anything to laugh at." "I don't
want to be here." you said. It seems like I almost always have that effect
on everyone. I say to myself, "You aren't the first one to think like me."
And I just want to be like everyone else. Why can't I be everything to
everyone else, or maybe just to you? Just once I would like to be something.
And I wouldn't mind if you'd like to be with me.
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 6 June :: 7.35 pm
life doesnt have to be so hard...
we only succeed if we believe we can..
and we only lose what we dont think we ever had...
3 dimensions of reality
pictures inked in black and white
a frozen bit of heaven
on which we will look back on forever
will i make it to your memories
look back on me from time to time?
will my smile stay sewn into your soul
and stay with you forever?
will this bond burn on eternally
did you mean everything you once said
dont regret, rethink, or edit your past
becauyse theres a reason for each tear
each smile, each kiss
theres a reason for each fight
each friend
and each foe
your life doesnt come with whiteout
you cant erase the choices once made
you only live once
love once, and grow once
take chances
never hold grudges
live, and learn
and forgive but never forget...
2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 6 June :: 5.02 pm
this may never start
we could fall apart
and not be your memory
lost your sense of fear
feelings insincere
can now be your memory
so get back back
back to where we lasted
just like i imagine
i could never feel this way
so get back back
back to the disaster
my heart's beating faster
holding on to feel the same
this may never start
i'll tear us apart
could now be your enemy
losing half our years
waiting for you here
i'd be your anything
so get back back
back to where we lasted
just like i imagine
i could never feel this way
so get back back
back to the disaster
my heart's beating faster
holding on to feel the same
this could never start
tearing out my heart
and id be your memory
lost your sense of fear
feelings disappear
can not be your memory
so get back back
back to where we lasted
just like i imagine
i could never feel this way
so get back back
back to the disaster
my heart's beating faster
holding on to feel the same
this could never start
we could fall apart
and id be your memory
lost your sense of fear
feelings insincere
can not be your memory
can not be your memory
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 1 June :: 10.26 pm
through teh wind i whisper your name
into teh snow i call your name
and ill wait for teh day that you love me
hang up teh fone, just want you to call right back
how can i get enough of this
i dont know what has come over me
something i just cant explain
far across across teh empty sky
i will ride these endless clouds of white
and there all the imperfect will become perfect
just teh way they are
but how can these stars they shine liek theyve never
been shining before
i see them brand new and calling
i see you alone and wanting
and my heart returns its call
wont you hold me in teh darkness
wont you love me dont know where ur heart is
just wish that someday youll find a way
whisper into these empty skies
my last call for sanity
tell me all i have to give
maybe ill get you to love me?
tell me what it is when u say all teh right words
tell me why u know just what to say
with just one look into your blue eyes
i lose myself that way
no matter all that i sing
or anything that i could ever say
it could never tell you how much you mean to me
you might say i dont understand
dont knwo what its like to have you by my side
you might tell me that i dont know all about love
maybe your right, but i know what i feel everynight
and it just happens that i love the way you make me smile
tranquil kisses, soft embraces
the love is all around
its in teh air and its in your heart
beauty so profound
what is it that keeps me wanting
what is this diseas thats come over me
am i binded and tainted
and bleeding for all to see
these stars hold no comfort tonight
if your arms arent wrapped around me
and these hands are so empty
when not entwined with mine u see
so tangle me with words
tell me all that it is you heard
just wrap me up inside your sheets tonight
tell me, tell me, tell me what it is you see
and love me, oh love me tonight
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 1 June :: 6.47 pm
hello journal my name is amanda and i am on the fone with mr sean hays and i am happy :)
got into a figth with meg teh other day i dont see why she has to lie to me, mayeb im doing something wrong?
3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 31 May :: 8.35 pm
its remarkable how you capture me
how you feed my soul like its never
been fed
and in you i see myslef
reflecting in your bottomless
blue eyes
images of what i wish we
could be
but were lost in the dark
upon a distant star
starring far off into the distance
continue to capture me
continue to love me
just hold me i dont care what
they say
taint me wiht kisses
and lure me inot oblivion
where noting can b wrong
we cant b wrong
for if were wrong i fear for what i feel
taste, see, know
it may all b wrong
wrong
wrong
my heart it may all b wrong
and i wouldn't know how to
let you go....
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 29 May :: 2.29 pm
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderline bipolar
Forever biting on your nuts
I was never grateful
That's why I spend my days alone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home (Broken home)
Black-eyed
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home (Broken home)
Black-eyed
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
|
