poetry :-)

i am broken, i am bleeding
lying useless and defeated
losing sight of all thats true
getting over thoughts of you
deprivation, lost in bliss
void of lust, this passionless kiss
i dont like what i am, just wanna let go
do you need me? just let me know
cant keep holding on, im hanging by a thread
these dreams are worthless, lying intoxicated in this bed
your love has showered me, bound me
im drunk on you, wont you bleed me?
torture me when were appart
breaking down this useless heart
drink away this graphic pain
im not in love.. im not insane
melt me down, break me off
breath me in, hear you cough
ive cut my hands.. at redemptions side
these scars are much bigger than these doubts of mine
wont you take me, and set me free
my only wish is to be happy
just breath me out, this burning sensation wont let go
years cant grace me with the love you could show..
dont listen to me.. im on my last breath
maybe ill find it all, in this painless death
deliver me from evil, unveil this pale face
cold and void of life, im leaving this place
i wont be fine, i wont be alright
if you wont love me im leaving tonight
untie this ribbon, expose these eyes
lily white kisses, emblazoned with lies
the scent of you still on my skin
this eroding passion burning within
intoxication envolopes my fears
releasing passion, releasing tears
to feel you in me, to take you in
touching your face, creamy white skin
carressing you, comforting you in everyway
stay inside me, stay today
i would trade all i have to be with you tonight
fading into the darkness, im losing sight
deeper i fall..into its grasps
theres no regrets, theres no turning back
unlocking my heart, with this silver plated key
dont let me fall.. hold onto me
cant keep holding on, im hanging by a thread
these dreams are worthless, lying intoxicated in this bed

just a little inspiration for the day :-) hope ya like it

so im sitting here so cold...and all i can think about is fucking eveyrhitng thats happened to me

with friggin valentines day coming up im so deppressed... this cold and this darkness all the time makes me so angry.. everything around me pisses me off and i cant stand tehg winter anymore. it makes me so deppressed. i just want it to end

even the fucking cold flowing on me makes me angry. everything dies and everything is cold

i cant wait until spring.. when ill be happy...

thats it for now...

the sadness the night brings


intolerable
you are intolerable
i cant take you, undertsna dyou
adn u wont let me fucking in
i dont knwow hat the hell im doing wrong
but i met you and i need you
and iw ant to a;ways hear you
your voice makes me calm and u actually make me happy
and its intolerable
inconceivable
i just cant imagine what pain this could envoake
and i keep bringthing these evils back to haunt me
but you , u seem different
ur what ive come to need
and whast ive come to feed
and what i come to for life
and in u i find my sancuary
my peace
and u in you i find myself
just dont let me go...

and the oscar goes to...

well things havent gotten too much better in teh past couple days

dont think im psycho or anything like that but recently suicide has seemed liek a pretty good idea... these people i am acociated make me feel like shit and i cant stand it any more. ive fucking dealt with it for years and its really building up now to the point that i feel as if i am going to explode with anger and passion and upset and PISSED OFFness argg i just wanna stab a couple ppl >:o every person who makes fun of me or calls me names or whoever makes fun of my poetry or copys my tests or anything to bring me down i hate you./. and u dont deserve to be in my presence. i am a great person and you for your shallow veiws should be the ones put to death.

it is insane to call me crazy.. and expect any1 to believe you. i am a very level headed girl with ambitions and views just as everyone else normal in this world.. but who wants to be normal i want to stick out in a crowd, im teh type of girl with teh attitude who needs to be noticed. im teh type of girl always looking for recognition. constantly looking to see if i fit in. when in reality i dont want to be like everyone else. i just want to be liked. by ppl i like. but i shouldnt waste my time...

ands with guys ah ppl tell me to move on tehres other fish in teh sea. but thats not the way i want it to be with me i am a girl who sticks to my beliefs trying my hardest not to veer towards hipocracy. i knwo im not perfect, and id never claim to be. i am not infallible, and i am not impune. but i just wish to stick out..to be liked.. to be with some1. for some1 to genuwinly care about me...

but i guess those wishes are way out of line. my heart has hopes as welll... and i need to fulfill many things... i guess maybe if i was good looking id have more friends, in this shallow damned world. well, were all going to hell for our sins... every1 who has hurt me, will pay for it...im just not going to stoop to their level.. i wont be as bad as them.. i will control myself becuz i have more respect for myself. and i will not limit myself to selfish games.

well.. all in all... just shut ur mouths if u talk about me. becuz its so stupid...you are ownly making yourself feel better... u as a person are crying inside... so u feel that every1 should feel just as bad as u are.. whenevery1 is only here to help u...

--write back later..

-manda


pick up the knife get up the courage
your stupid.. just get up and do it
why cant i press down this blade
why dont i end my life?
cant take the names they call me
why wont these tears stop pouring our of blackened eyes
they dont stop and i cant atke ti anymore
nothing goes my way
i guess theyd call me selfish
but i dont care
life is mine for the taking
and now i shall take my life
and all this blood shed on me,
soon washed away by tears
my life as fragile as a rose
i hold within my palm
each petal slowly falling
until my day has come
im going someday eventually
why wont they take me now?
ill escape into teh sunset
and leave all my problems
and finally be happy...
just let me be happy...
just let me go...
just let me bleed

-------------------------------------------------------------------

this life is mezmorizing
terrorizing.. oh what beauty
they come to me to help them
cant they see that im bleeding?
the wounded can heal pain in others not themselves
and i am not alone, i hope that i can say
but ignorance just holds me
in its cradle on the brink
i use this artificial love to hold me in your arms
and keep this smile on this crying face
i could cry a river of tears and they couldnt care to notice
i live in this world of fake emotions and fake love
eveyrhting has failed me
i have succeedded to fail myself...
theres no1 to put my faith into
nothing that wont leave me
using this drug as my medicine
it dulls and numbs the pain
ina worlf of fantasy
where all is full of laughter and
u never shed a tear
and i cant wait to get back to this safe haven
which rescues me from home..

will u drain my resivoir?
alright

so here goes...

this is life right? day to day? does everyone always feel like i do? is it normal. cuz i really dont know. i always thought hey i guess every1 goes thru it right? im not teh only ine. well lately eveyrthing ive been going thru seems outrageous. am i the only one who feels this? am i teh only one phased by dishonesty? and rudeness? and everything im so abruptly faced with day to day.i mean i guess its normal to cry right? i mean everyone does right? but i cry alot.. almost every night... all different things im crying over.. but always branching from one thing... the void this life.. so oddly toyed with. my mother.. absence is present.. to be funny with my words. but omitting all jokes, of any sense i am terrified of being alone. im distraught over the fact that people so important to me can get up and vansih just like that... am i not considered? does my heart not beat like every othe rmortal? am i unnoticed?

today.. today.. today...
me.. its days like these that make me feel selfish. and ungrateful for everyhting i have. and make me feel guilty for the tears i cry. its days like these i wish that every wrong could be rectified. and everything bad in tehw orld would somehow vanish. that it would somehoe evenesce away where it would not harm anything i care about. and this, this happens everyday, but i dont take the time to notice everyone elses fears, and troubles. becuz i am too wrapped up in my own self doubt. im just dying to bite at myself. to find some new flaw. soemthing new to hate me for... some reason why i am unwanted almost excusing my absence, mentally... but things like this.. they show me how much life has in store for me..and how materialistic and greedy i am.

today, my friend, who i have just recently met, lost his mother. all i can do is try my hardest to be here for him. i cant make him come to me, although i wish he would. all i can do is offer my support. not my pitty, or my sympathy. becuz thats not what he needs. he need strength he needs the will to get up and keep going. anyone can sit and be sad for themselves and weep in self loathing.. always feelin sorry for themselves..and delving into every1s pitty. that isnt what he needs, he needs to know that he will be able to move on, that it is possible. that i and many other people are going to stand by him to help him. he will not be able to get over this for a long time..but it is worse to sit and wallow in your pain. what he needs to do is get back up, becuz if he doesnt soon, he will be stuck, sitting forever. in pain. the pain that independance allows.

another thing...after writing such a touching entry, it makes me want to shoot myself. but my petty problems keep nagging at me as well.. i am crying over a boy again. what is wrong with me? why do i let msyelf get sooo attatched so easily.. why do i need that void which my mother left open... why do i go after the ones who i know i have no chance of ever being loved by. i guess i just hope that somehow.. that i will someday be good enuff for them... but this pain is too strong this time, i cant handle it. i just want to scream out loud that i love him.. that i want him, in every way. not just physically, its beyond that. my emotions go a wire when i see him. i am crazy with him. my heart beats out of my chest when i look into his eyes. and all i can do is sit and watch, as i am taken under by this lulling under toe...becoming putty in his hands, i have melted, and i feel no need to stand....

this entry is to me, may i not lsoe sight of what is important in my life, may i not pitty, may i not posess greed, may i appreciate, may i fulfill my new years resolution... may i be something i like when i look in the mirror, may i rest in bed, without vein thoughs seeping into my pillows....

this entry... is to a change...

- Amanda Elizabeth Maltz



There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?

No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt

And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Is getting wet

Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening

To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...

And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...

I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train


my saving grace, my expression, my poetry

i feel so alone today
so rude today
so blind today
unless u cannot see me

my heart it feels so blank today
so white today
so cold today
unless it cannot beat

this love it feels so empty today
feels so void
so evensced
unless i choose not to see

my hands they cannot feel today
my fingerprints mean nothing
i taste through touch
unless i cannot feel

my blood it feels so thick today
deceitful
so full of sacrifice
unless i cannot bleed

my tears they feel so dry today
so salty
my eyes red from lifeless hours...
unless i cannot cry...

i feel so emotionless today
my heart it feels so numb
so tragic
unless i cannot live

my life it feels so pointless
so wrong
when things feel right
unless i cannot love...

----------------------------------------

this talking reflection
does it notice me?
can it see me bleeding in pain?
she stares into my eyes,
expecting so much
and taking so little..
such suspense i live in
but im too curious
too much for 6 AM
this reflection does it see me?
can it only see itself
liek the world around me
it begins to unfurl around me
and eveyrhting is happening just out of my reach
i sit here in my room
and watch you as you fall
these thoughts circulating in my brain
i cant make out what im thinking
but im thinking all too much
too much for 6 AM
and that reflection just stares into my eyes
revealing all ive tried to hide...
dressing for another day,
with makeup hiding the pain
why do i continue on this way
when the mascara streaks black tears down my cheeks by night
now the shadows they all watch me
and they knwo me, completely
this woman on the outside of my body
looking in, it doesnt know me
but who does?
i dont know me
this reflection, it continues throughout the morning
and i hear the screaming, and the ringing in my ears
but im crying to hard
all too hard for 6 AM

im happy to be only all that u see...
post new years....

goodbye 2003...another year successfully down the drain. goodbye to the people who have gone with it.. and all the memories not soon to be forgotten...this year.. was my most eventful year... i met joe...and lost him.. along with a peice of my heart, and my innocence. i wont be ignorant and deny teh fact that after joe i was a different person. but i believe i changed for teh best. i left kennedy... and lost emily :-[ my best friend. over teh summer.. i made so many memories at woodtrail..i become very close to meaghan.. and back in april went for my 14th birthday to Las vegas with her...i got closer to holly.. and from there met lizzy... and got closer to yher and robbie and jimmy and cozzy...which i will never regret. in doing this, i decreased my friendship with few ppl.. like meg... and kelsey.. but kels n i stayed strong. for monthes i didnt speak with meaghan..and created new memories with lizzy, and kelsey... and once again i have changed.... maybe its the smoke in my lungs talking... or the vodka staining my soul... but these days although soaked with pain and tears ive cried are also teh happiest of my life.. when i have fun.towards september mom started packing...and left. she was gone. and i a suffereing teenager dove into drugs. numbing the pain i held. losing what i once was....losing the sorrow.. which would soon return...but as a part of me died, a part of me was born. i live through my friends. relishing in lifes bounties. using guys to make me happy.. to fill this emotional void in my life. but all of that is now the past goodbye to the once so amazing happiness...goodbye to 8th grade... goodbye to peices of my heart... goodbye to the people i loved.. goodbye to me.. goodbye to you...

hello 2004...

the first poem of the year...

life is holding pain above my head,
and dropping its fears on my shoulders...
but i keep going..
im an emotionless soldier...

a new day beginning,
forget my past.
allow my heart
to beat at last.

a barren valley in which you lay
the beauty hidden in side
beneath the soil, a seed is set
why give it reason to hide

as the frost dissapears from sight
and the snow melts away into the ground
soon things will get better
i wait for your smile, i wait for the sound

the seed must now blossom
beauty before now unseen
let the rain pour down
my blood must run clean

i will tear out my heart,
and plant it beneath this soil
to grow with love
the beauty of the spoil

as i walk through the rain
as the sun rises ahead
i love being here...
though days i wish i was dead

but as this new day
turns this chapters end
a clean get away
lies just around the bend

and i can start over..
everything i wanted to be
i could have a chance at happiness
i could have a chance to see...

everything ive wanted...
everything off which i feed
to grow my heart
to blossom this seed

and in the shadows,
my soul may grow
without the love to nourish it
it potential, we shall never know...

leaving behind all that i am
each look in these eyes
change is inevitable...
this is forever... this is goodbye...

- amanda maltz

o4'

-----------------------------------------

one more....

the sun is setting
my time has come..
with pain in your eyes
i see your the one

the one in my dreams
when i kiss my hero
brign me back down
here down to zero

your the one i wish to hold my hands
to hold my heart..
i wish for you to hold me
and never think to part

i cannot fathom all that u are capable of
you could break my heart and casue me pain
steal my pride
and drive me insane

but you, you cant,
you feel for me
maybe care for me,
dont lie, i see

past the act you play,
teh character in your part
the skit of a life
youve hidden your heart

a steel cage around its walls
not even a lock and key
just look me in the yes
and tell me you dont need me

when i cry for you,
do u care?
are u sorry for me
is anyone there?

the line falls dead
when im on teh phone
and when i come
you say theres nobody home

yuouve left me nothin just an empty heart
with expectations, and feelings for you
but you couldnt care less
and thats the truth

if thats how it goes then why even bother
why do u stick around with me?
why dont you turn me away
you smile and i see

when u say those things your friends utter to you
it pains you, that look in your eyes
i feel for you, but if your going to hurt me
lets skip this and get to goodbyes

ive held up my gaurd througout recent storms
my heart has broken and ive been jaded
dont let me down again...im searching for you
but always hated...


---------------------------------------

2 for the road...

this is the one aching in my heart, the pain that keeps me up all night.. to the one who i call a friend.. to the one who seeps into my veins... to the one who i have begun to love... to the one...

i thought i should tell you exactly how i feel
before this got out of hand
its unimaginable the emotions circulating
i see you and i go numb
i quiver and my heart skips a beat
im kidding myself, to think i'd ever be good enough for you
your beautiful.. and perfect...
everything id ever love
like the sun glistening over the snow
i see you in me
only amplified
electrified
personified.. is you
manifested behavior everything is you
this churning in my stomache
the aching in my heart
when i see you my heart stops beating
and i quit thinking
i cant speak
and i fear saying the wrong things
with you, i must be perfect..
with you, it must be different
with you...
all i want, is to be with you...

happy new years...

hello

well im here with _lizzy, and i love her :-)

tomorrow is new years :-) i have looked forward to this day for all year... well maybe i liked last year, my best year.. most eventful year.. 2003, 3 being my lucky number. i looked forward to it all of 2002 in 8th grade awaiting highschool.. well... i guess i made as much of it as i could.. i guess you cant have aperfect year.. but hey.. i made new friends, and lost the expendable ones...well, im sure i have plenty of resolutions for this new year... hopefully ill actually fulfill them unlike last year...

im not sure whats goign on for tomorrow.. i think people are coming to my house.. not quite sure who yet, its undecided......

i went to the meet tonite.. for like 10 minutes cuz we were soo late :-p well... im not sure what else there is to write aside from..

XoXo Happy New Year XoXo

..to a new life... much different from last year.. a new me... and a new everything...

i guess a little change can be good..

-manda


You are the naughty but nice bra! You are a flirt,
but in a cute and innocent way. You love being
with friends, and your always on the look-out
for cute guys!


What Bra Are You?(Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

post christmas...

well the past 3 days when i hadnt written have been interesting i guess

i went to teh mall with some dusty friends...((not literally...)) i was there with meg kelsey and katie and met up with emmy for a little..then i went to ryans house with meg. it was so odd to be there with her.. but hey weed brings everyone together..

then last night i was happy... :-x ahhhh... well thats all i really have to say...

tomorrow is my moms birthday.. she can go fuck herself up the ass for all i give a shit.

i think ima bout to go to lizzys.. i need to get dressed tho.. and rap teh boys gifts in case we run into them....

just a little poem...

the golden horizion around me
binding me
saving me
as the sun is setting
my heart is full,
this beauty overwhelms me
and these salty tears fall down my face...
this love not even time can erase
the pain in this beauty, the heartless sting
not even time changes everything..
each silver lined kiss
each whisper, when i felt bliss
they fall blankly now, on my pale cold skin
im waiting for you.. this fire burns within
wont you stay here my heart is here to take
dont tell me you love me if its pseudo, i cant stand whats fake
dont stop and look theres not sight to see
its only me.. left empty
but as this saphire sky encompasses the pain
just when im on the brink of the insane
each stars reflection, shed light on my fears
dries up this river of tears
What the Inside shows the outside hides
teh soul of a child may i please decide?
and up in the sky the angels are heard as kisses in my ears
and i shall love you throughout the coming years

ill write back later

- manda

what a fuckin merry christmas

its offically christmas.. and i am officially most likely the saddest person on earth at this moment in time

i want so bad to see my mom.. but i have to be dumb and push her out of my life when that is whats making me so deppressed.... ive tried to be strong and show her i dont need her but the truth is that i love her so much and i hate her becuz i miss her but i cant tell her that now, its too late.. she wouldnt care anyways

i feel so alone and its christmas, no1 deserves to feel alone.. my dads asleep and i cant find anything to do with myself. i just sit and think and teh only thing i can think about is my mom and i start to cry.

and my moms out with my sister prolly having a great time..

i promised myself i wouldnt cry tonight, and here i am drowning in my tears....

if only she knew everything i feel. i just want to wrap my arms aiound her and have her tll me everything will be ok.. i just need to know that im gonna be ok, becuz i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. its eating away at me. i cant handle it.

each present i may receive today will never quench my thirst for happiness..

becuz no superficial materialistic pile of crap could ever bring my mom back, and that kills....

im sorry i sound self centered tonite, as if no1 else has problems. im sorry. but to me this is as bad as it gets, i dont know pain greater than this so forgive me for these tears...


superficial superstition
terror wheels and gloves and mittens
slowing falling down upon my cheeks
melting icicles, snow knee deep

the scent of pine needles filling my lungs
there are no stockings to be hung
this empty home deploys its fears
locked up memories broken tears

one soul is missing, one soul feels pain
one soul is indifferent, another insane
the holidays, what superficial shit
just give me my love back give it...

cant take the pain as is rolls down my cheeks
i see your face and fall to my feet
this ribbon which veils my eyes
cant see your evil scheme, your demise

i cant just back down now, ive gotta be strong
but i cant live this way my whole life long
i cant sit here and watch these seasons pass
flying too swifty why wont they last

theres no snow on the ground this year
the soils soft now, cobered with tears
fertile heart awaiting its seeds
give what it needs, give what it feeds...

dry these eyes which shoot out my fears
drain my heart drowned in tears
evacuate each and everyone of my senses
i want you back no matter what the expense is

i wish most of all for one thing i dare not speak
it may sound stupid, shallow and weak
i cannot express the terror inside
i just need some1 in which i may confide

take back the presents they dont mean shit now
superficial empathy, it dont make it better anyhow
they cant make me happy, only put a fake smile on my face
theres a gap in my heart, no toy could replace

i would rather feel true emotions than smile with a lie
although it brings sorrow, and tears to my eyes
on this christmas eve, i ask for one thing
the love that i need, i wish for the angels to sing

for good to beat evil, for love to beat hate
for these kisses not to come second rate
for the truth in your eyes when you look at my face
for you to come back home..and fill this empty space..

fill this gap which brings rain to my heart
the miles and shit just tear us appart
i lie when i tell you i dont need you
i hate, what i need, becuz u dont need me, i do love you...

awww
bahahahah soo sad yet sooo cute

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php

Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star
But
What if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizons darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope

Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see
I know my heart should guide me but
There's a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish is then for a chance to see
Now all I need
Is my star to come...

i miss the way things were
No more lonely nights
Baby thats just what you told me
But you're no where to be found.
Something just aint right
Cuz I cant get you to hold me
Even when youre around.

Baby you promised me
That you'd always be there for me
Tell me Whats on your mind?

[Chorus]
What happened to the I love you's?
The hugs and kisses and the rendevous?
What happened to me and you?
You said you'd never change.
What happened baby talk to me
You used to be sugar sweet just like candy
Now your breakin my heart
With all your broken promises.

Open up your eyes
Baby thats what people tell me (thats what they say)
But its hard to let you go.
I cant take your lies
If your spending time with somebody else
Then you gotta let me know.

You promised me that you'd never run a game on me
Tell me whats on your mind.

[Chorus]

You say your gonna do this
You say your gonna do that
But you never come through.
And so its different lately
Cuz you dont call me baby
I just dont know what to do...



everything is different.. this life cant possibly get harder than this... ::knocks on wood:: eveyrhitng around me has swiftly changed.. although some may have been needed it still makes me sad to think of all of teh memories...

liek with meg, i do miss the times we spent toegther we were like inseprable i mean we went tp firggin las vegas together.. its torture to knwo that things will never be the same again...

with joe... it paisn me so much to know that he doesnt even think of me liek i do him. its not fair this immense pain kills me.. its almost 12*20 and i bet he wont even come up here to see kels em and chris n i its so horrible, he doesnt call me anymore doesnt ask me to visit anymore i cant understand why things have to change liek this.

with emily.. why does a school have to make a difference like that... its not fair why does it have to take her away from me.. all teh summer nights that we went to the mall and scoped out hot guys.. life was sooo free from pain nothing could vere us off our track. there were no drugs.. no alcohol to make us have a good time.. we did it on our own.. now its the weed that brings us together and it makes me so sad to think that beczu i love emily shes always going to be one of my best friends

i mean some change is good, i mean if i staye din my little cacoon of friends forever i wouldnt have met liz or holly and i would never have become who i am today.. and i love who i am not bette rthan the little scared girl i was before...

i miss katie and me and kels n meg always going to dug pond i mean my world revolved around you guys.. its not fair how time can rip people appart it makes me sick to think of hown fdifferent me all are now, even after vowing never to change.. the force of nature has ripped us appart.. but i still love you..

i miss chris.. i miss the nights at the mall with joe and hoim and kelsey and wed just wander around aimlessly while joe would spit on opppl haha and going in teh back hallways and being with joe alone.. and getting our pictures taken and him coming over my house and singing i wasnna knwo to me its soooo horrible

this hurt wont ever go away
these scars cant ever be erased
the tears that stream down my face
are an odd sort of lace
around me they hold me i wish it was you
the things that you told me were they the truth
undo this ribbon from my eyes
cnat you see that i love you its no surprise
yes i still think of you your always on my mind
cant put you out of my brain cant leave you ebhind
cuz love like ours, so juvenile , but true
each kiss that youd give me there was no1 better than you
my first for alot of things you gave me ur heart
poured your tears on my shoulders dont let us drift appart
cant see you anymore, theres so many miles
i miss the sound of your voice, miss the sound of your smiles
the candycane loving, on these winter nights
your warmth made my candle, my love light burn bright
i cant see you crying, do you pain like i do?
would u want to see me, do u miss me, is it the truth?
cant take the pain thats forced in my soul
dont want any presents, give me coal
the warmth of teh fire cant warmmy heart
cuz ill pain for always, as long as were appart....

i love you always and forever joseph michael russell...

- amanda...

http://expage.com/joesephmichealrussell